Don’t let him get you.

She dreamt of him last night again. This time, her dream was more vivid and longer than she ever had of him. She confronted him and poured all her stored anger on him. She felt her heart beat fast, making it difficult for her to breathe. She felt her blood burning in her veins, racing towards her cheeks and drowning her in heat. He approached her with his new girlfriend, Stella.

Her anger was rising, she couldn’t keep it anymore. She finally confronted him:

“Why did you leave? Why can’t you just leave me alone? After five years, after leaving me, look at me, I’m still crying over you. I can’t get you out of my mind. I still love you.”

He cried and said, “I know piccola. I miss you too. I want you back.”

The dream was so real, she didn’t want to leave. As soon as she told herself that she didn’t want to wake up because she knew it was only a dream, reality finally woke her up. She felt her heart racing and hoping that He was still in front of her, asking her to come back.

It was 2:30 am and she tried to doze off, but he was still in her mind. She tried to remember what her friend, Mandy, told her,

“Don’t let him get you. Every time you let him into your mind, your obsession of what he looks like or how he treated you, will forever trap you in that idealistic limbo. I know you’re hoping he’ll come back, but let’s face it honey, it’s been five years. Plus, you’re married. You’re married to Richard. You don’t want to be an obsessed b*tch.”

She looked away from the ceiling and saw Richard, sleeping peacefully next to her. She removed the sheets that separated him from her. She moved closer to him and found a spot on his warm chest. Richard unconsciously opened his arms to let her head rest on his chest. She watched him take several breaths and wondered what he could be dreaming. Cece felt a pang of guilt and tried her hardest to brush it all off by closing her eyes, but despite her effort, she hoped to dream of Him again.

She’s Changed

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She looked at the mirror and saw herself as a changed woman.

Through the years, her body, which used to be a size 4, now a size 6, has grown in places where she felt quite proud and yet insecure. Her breasts grew one size larger, her hips are wider, her legs are plump and she’s got a small belly. Nevertheless, she’s proud of her curves, an attribute she has been known for.

She’s definitely changed. She looks young as always, but there is something about her poise that makes her quite different from when she first met him. Ever since he left her, the air she breathes no longer moved her, her heart no longer feels the rush of blood from her veins into her body, she barely remembers why she fell for him so much. For five whole years, she strived to forget him, but the mere thought of him always finds her in her most vulnerable state. She longed to see him again, but she knew she changed. He changed. Time expanded the distance between them. Can it be true that he no longer loves her, but how does she know? She knows she can’t see him… not like this. She’s too empty . She has nothing to prove and with no aces to win his game. It will take another five years to have the courage to see him, or perhaps that’s a bad idea. After all, time changes space, it changes people and it changes even the strongest hearts.

A Response to a Letter I Wrote to Myself, Four Years Ago!

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To my dearest 24- year old self,

Nice to meet you! I’ve never met you before and I don’t know how you are like. All I can do is to assume what you are like. I am your 20-year- old version and I am currently still in college. I do hope that you and I are reading this somewhere in 2014. Somewhere… pleasant and I hope with someone that we are both currently happy with.

24: Hello 20! I am your 24- year-old self writing this to you on New Year’s Eve of 2014. I got married with someone last September 24th. You’d be surprised to who: Ricky! I know! That was totally unexpected! 

20: You will look back at this point in time when I was writing this to you: bored out of my mind, tired and exhausted from work, but thrilled of the unknown. I want to assume what you are like, instead of telling you a recap of what happened to us. I expect that your memory is still sharp, so reminiscing from the years I remember wouldn’t be necessary. I just need to know the future that is ahead of me.

Here goes my list of questions and hopefully, you will still remember this blog post (and this blog) and you will answer to my questions through a form of a letter.

24: Despite our busy schedule, I’ve managed to drop in here once in awhile to share my thoughts and to keep this blog alive. After all, this is how I found this letter and I am so glad I remembered it! 

1. How’s life treating you?

Life has been interesting and full of unexpected twists and turns. We learn to adapt from changes that we initially thought was the biggest letdown.

2. Did you decide to change your major or did you pursue Nursing? Do you like it so far?

There was a moment a few years back when we decided to leave nursing for good and concentrate on Hotel Management. That thought didn’t last long because of a sudden change of heart. I decided to get a certificate as a Nursing Assistant and after that, our passion for nursing sparked. Currently, I do like nursing and I am waiting to get my feet to work. Additionally, I am in my last semester of nursing and I hope I make it to graduation this coming May!

3. Are you on our lovely couch, in our own home reading this post? What’s our place like?

No, I am currently still living at our parent’s house. It’s not bad because I’m saving a lot of money while I’m trying to finish our degree in nursing. 

4. How’s mom and dad? How’s the rest of the family?

Mom and dad have changed so much, in a good way. Remember when they used to be strict and they imposed strict curfews? Well, they don’t really care that much, except that they would much appreciate it if I tell them my whereabouts. They have been a lot lenient. Probably because of the fact that I’ve grown up and I’ve been a lot more responsible.

Little brother has matured a lot. He had a lot of drawbacks, but he managed to go through them. He is a lot more responsible, he respects mom and dad. He can still be a little stubborn, but he has definitely grown so much. 

As for our sister Lorraine, she’s married to ate Jhei now and she can finally work! She works at the Post Office and she’s finally moved out.

5. The World Cup is on this year! Last July, I watched Spain beat Netherlands with Beppe and Alberto. Didn’t you say you were going to Brazil to watch it live?

Ahhh… the World Cup this year has brought so many nostalgias to the point that I decided to reunite the Gang again. It was a pathetic reunion, but it still worked. Unfortunately, I didn’t go to Brazil to watch the game. By the way, Germany beat Argentina (1-0). Maybe I’ll go watch the games in Russia in 2018. . . or not! hahaha ! 

6. Speaking of Beppe, are you still talking to him? Did you end up visiting him in Italy? Tell me the entire story.

I know that you must have been excited to hear this story. There’s so much to tell, but I don’t know where to begin! I think it’s been complicated in terms of maintaining my friendship with him. Even after four years have passed, I struggled to get Beppe out of my mind. It made it worse when the World Cup came around. The games reminded me a lot about Beppe. It wasn’t until recently that I started to slowly wake up from his spell. I think it started when Ricky and I got married. I knew right there and then that I had to change. So, in the hopes of letting myself go from Beppe, I deleted him in Facebook, in Instagram, I even changed my name in there so that he can’t find me. I’m happy that I’m no longer waiting for him.

I never got the chance to visit him in Italy. Now, he is working in Sydney with his Italian girlfriend, Sara, who is also a chef. Beppe came back in the US two years ago with Sara. One night, he and I were going to meet at a restaurant with his former boss and his boss’ date. At that time, I didn’t know that Sara was his girlfriend. So when I was on the way to the restaurant to see him, he texted me that he was with his girlfriend, Sara. I turned my car around and I gave him a BS excuse. Obviously, I didn’t want to interrupt a double date, so I never showed up. I know I ruined the chances of meeting or having a closure with Beppe, but I’m glad I never saw him again. I would rather have that ending back in October of ’10 when he finally walked away, gave me one last kiss and he said, “We are not going to say addio, instead let’s just say a presto.” Things didn’t end up the way we wished, but glad it happened. 

7. What are you like at 24? Did you finally have the courage to cut your hair short?

As much as I would like to brag that being in my 24th year has given me such immense beauty and that I am at the pinnacle of my prime, you, my 20-year-old-self looked so much better! I never had the courage to cut my hair short even though it was the trend this fall. I think I’m growing it out healthily and I have been religiously seeing my (mediocre) hair stylist to cut my hair to the length of one- inches with long layers, every two months. So far, my hair has been longer and healthier, but I need a haircut soon! I feel some split ends have reached the top of my head :(

8. Did you lose weight or did you gain weight?

Like I said, you, my 20-year-old-self looked so much better than me now. I have gained about 15 pounds from nursing school and I have been trying to lose weight, but those darn McDonald’s french fries are irresistible! What do they put in it anyways? Crack?

9. Is the world still spinning? We both know that we are afraid of zombies… so has the world been dominated by zombies yet?

Hahah, child, so far the world is still spinning with the lively, ruthless, greedy capitalists expanding their empires and with no existence of the undead. I actually just finished knocking on wood, in hopes that such an invasion will not happen.

10. Are you addicted to smoking? I started smoking a few days ago and I’ve grown quite addicted to it. Did we quit?

The smoking thing was just a fad! It was just a phase that you went through because you liked a guy who was also smoking. I’m glad we never got addicted to it! It’s sooo bad for you! Also, CVS no longer sells cigarettes!

11. Tell me anything that I do not know. Write me at least two pages!

I’m stuck with this question! It sounds as if I should have gained a lot of knowledge within the span of four years, but it feels like I haven’t changed much. Maybe I did change a lot, but I don’t see it. I do know that there were a lot of things that happened and I don’t regret anything at all. I’ve done a lot of growing up and I’m still in progress. There were times when I wanted to go back to 2010, when I didn’t care much, and I’ve tried to replicate that year with each passing year, but I never did. I’m am still hoping that I could be a better version of my free spirited, 20-year-old self. 

20: I’m thrilled to meet 21 soon. I can’t wait to meet you when I turn 24 :)

24: I’m about to meet 25 and my oh my, I’m already facing a premature arthritis on my thumb. I’m gettin old!!!! I don’t think I’m ready to meet 25 at all!!!

Don’t forget about this letter!   I never did. 

Love always,

Your not-so perfect-self :

Khristine.

A Red Bra and a Pair of Daisy Dukes.

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I am a sentimental soul, who hoards letters, notes and even gift tags, given to me by several people, who has graciously left me their small mementoes to remember them. I usually have several boxes: a pink BCBG box for Ricky’s letters, a huge brown box for everyone else: exes, family, friends, relatives, etc, and a box, which I forgot what it looks like, designated to Beppe’s gifts. I never mix them all, with the exception of one letter that I accidentally stumbled upon a few nights ago.

It all started when I was looking for my former boss’ address. I wanted to send her and her husband a Christmas greeting card because I wanted to return the favor of sending them a joyous greeting, the same way they do on every holiday. As I was going through a pile of letters in the brown box, I stumbled upon Beppe’s last farewell letter to me before he went to Italy. I honestly did not want to open it, but I did. I momentarily opened it and saw that there were two CDs inserted in the envelope. I did not read the letter, instead, I returned the letter in the envelope then I tossed it back to the box and went on with my business in sending the greeting card.

It wasn’t until last night when my curiosity was heightened. I decided to look for the letter, not read it, but explore what’s inside the CDs. As I opened the CD’s contents in my computer, pictures and videos were lined up in the folder for me to see. I saw the young me, the young Ricky (which was my favorite to see; he has changed so much! A lot more handsome than before!), and the immature side of the Gang. The pictures gave me a terrible nostalgia: I hated how I acted in the videos: a mental drunkie and a drama queen. I wasn’t proud of seeing my 20-year-old self prancing around with nothing on, but a red bra and a pair of daisy dukes. I was craaaazy. Tanned, hot, but crazy. The worse part of all, was seeing Beppe and I in our most intimate moments. I cringed and I felt my stomach sick as I saw myself making out with Beppe. Ricky was suppose to be in those pictures! I used to cry about those moments of Beppe and I, then I wished that they would happen again. Now, I honestly despise all those memories. I hated how Beppe sounded, he was too hairy, he always snapped at me when I was drunk (I couldn’t blame anyone, but Ricky never screamed at me even when I was in my craziest state), but there was something about Beppe that I didn’t notice before, maybe it’s the fact that he is part of me that I thought was unforgettable, but I failed to see that our relationship was simply a summer fling, temporary and it has no future. I hated my immature side and I felt sick of seeing him. It made me miss Ricky and it made me proud of how much I have changed and how much I’ve grown.

The best part of reminiscing 2010 was how Ricky and I started from nothing more than being good friends to husband and wife! :D

Also, it was a wake up call! It’s time to lose the 15 pounds I’ve gained in nursing school and maybe slip into that red bra and daisy dukes once in a blue moon. What’s the harm of bringing out the Wild Khristine?!!

Down the memory lane we go again!

I’ve been losing my mind in memory lane lately. I think I know why…

The most fun I’ve had in a long time was about 3-4 years ago when I was a thousand miles away from my nursing books and not knowing what I wanted to become in my life. I threw all my inhibitions out the window, enjoyed meeting guys left and right, got drunk until dawn, passed out on someone else’s couch or bed, caused terrible drama on who gets attention and what not, and I had no ounce of concern about others feelings, but myself.

Today, I am buried in my books, all I can think about are upcoming tests every two weeks, trying to catch up on reading and what the hell do I wear for school the next day? Actually,  I don’t even care what I wear. Sometimes I secretly repeat what I wore the day before yesterday. I am basically too busy to care for myself! Also, I re-gained the weight I’ve lost over the summer. Great. My pants will never fit me. EVER. Here’s sticking to tights for another semester or two…

I miss my carefree side. No nursing, no books, no school and absolutely no inhibitions.