1: She’s Changed

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She looked at the mirror and saw herself as a changed woman.

Through the years, her body, which used to be a size 4, now a size 6, has grown in places where she felt quite proud and yet insecure. Her breasts grew one size larger, her hips are wider, her legs are plump and she’s got a small belly. Nevertheless, she’s proud of her curves, an attribute she has been known for.

She’s definitely changed. She looks young as always, but there is something about her poise that makes her quite different from when she first met him. Ever since he left her, the air she breathes no longer moved her, her heart no longer feels the rush of blood from her veins into her body, she barely remembers why she fell for him so much. For five whole years, she strived to forget him, but the mere thought of him always finds her in her most vulnerable state. She longed to see him again, but she knew she changed. He changed. Time expanded the distance between them. Can it be true that he no longer loves her, but how does she know? She knows she can’t see him… not like this. She’s too empty . She has nothing to prove and with no aces to win his game. It will take another five years to have the courage to see him, or perhaps that’s a bad idea. After all, time changes space, it changes people and it changes even the strongest hearts.

My best friend who became my boyfriend and eventually who became my EX.

 

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I have been cheated twice in my life. 

 

You see, I thought best friends turned -boyfriends were harmless. I fell for the idea that friendship is the best foundation to any relationship. Sadly, it didn’t work out with me and Ricky. 

 

I regret bragging to everyone that he’s the “one.” I’m even embarrassed to post my “single” status in Facebook and I’m humiliated by the fact that my parents and my siblings trusted Ricky so much that they treated him like a family. He did not only break my heart, but he broke the hearts of the people who cared so much about me. 

 

Everyone thought he loved me so much that he would never ever let me get hurt. My dad even thought he was the “real deal” only to find out that he was just like my first boyfriend: a selfish cheater.

 

Shame on me for letting this happen twice in a lifetime. 

 

I wish Ricky told me what was going on his mind though. I think it would have changed everything. 

 

I’m very exhausted. I haven’t slept in 24 hours, haven’t eaten anything and I haven’t studied for my two tests tomorrow.

 

I want to remember all these pain I’m going through:

My best friend broke my heart and left me with no one to talk to. 

The image of him having sex with someone while he’s naked in front of a live web cam with a girl has been glued in my mind.

The person whom I thought was my knight -in-shining armor turned out to be another, “frog.”

I poured my heart you see? I’ve dropped all my guy friends just to stay loyal with him.

He won’t speak what’s in his mind and I never knew what he felt about everything until I force him to tell me. 

He was willing to let me go so easily just to let me do whatever I want and all along, he was doing whatever he pleases him that’s why he probably thought it was okay for me to hang out with guys so that it’ll be fair with his live webcam obsession.

 

I wanted time from him… he gave me a credit card for shopping instead. I wanted him to record the song he made for me in our anniversary, but he always said he’s too busy, recording the music will take a lot of work and that he can’t just ditch his priorities for things like that. He was up until 3 am every single night, doing live sex chat with women. I don’t know how he could be THAT busy, until I figured out that he was in fact, THAT busy trying to please himself and some women via private webcam. He was paying women to please him! All I needed was time, but like what he did to those women, he “paid” me by giving gifts because he can’t give me his TIME.

 

So, today… I decided to cut myself out from his life. I’ve always attempted to and this time, I’m setting my foot on the floor and sticking to this. I’m giving him his TIME back. ALL OF IT. He can spend it with his family, his friends, his studies and his live chat women. There won’t be naggy Khristine, no more crazy b*tch of a girlfriend and no more spending money to satisfy her.

 

He broke my trust. I trusted him. He knew better not to hurt me this way since I’ve been cheated before. I told him my experience more than once. 

In fact, he didn’t think live sex chat was cheating at all:

All he said was, “I didn’t know that you would actually get hurt. I didn’t know that it was cheating.” 

He didn’t because he didn’t care enough about what I feel about it. Clearly, all those times that he was intimately interacting with women, he NEVER, NOT ONCE did he ever admit everything to me.

I know it’s all virtual, but he was interacting with REAL WOMEN. If you could only put yourself in my shoes, I think you’d throw your laptop away because he meant everything he said:

“I want to f*ck you baby. I love your smile. I love your nice butt. Oh damn… yes, I want to pound you.”

 

The most painful thing is, after we make love and when I left, he’d go straight to the computer and have sex with other women in there. What really bothered me while I’m processing all this is, as we’re doing it, am I turning him on or he’s turned on with a different woman in his mind? 

I only have sex with him once every week now and he’d go have sex with any woman more than he’d do me. I compromised with his busy schedule and never nagged him to give it to me, only to find out that he’s been getting it from somewhere else.

 

 

I love him so much that I would do anything to work everything out. But he didn’t see me after all this. He didn’t tell me the live sex chat.

 

Ricky LIED to me. He WASN’T honest. He didn’t listen to what I needed: Time. 

 

If I didn’t find out all that live web cam BS, when will he stop? Will he do it when we’re having bigger troubles along the way? 

 

 

Sure, he didn’t have sex with an ACTUAL WOMAN physically, but he was interacting in a private room, naked, with a REAL WOMAN. I don’t care if it’s virtual, that sh*t is real! Until when was he going to keep me in the dark? 

 

 

It was all a waste. I loved him so much. I trusted him so much. My family loved him so much. He blew it all away because he was “too horny.” I know I have my flaws, but I NEVER stoop so low to cheat on him. I told him EVERYTHING even if hearing the truth was painful.

 

I’m hurt. I’m really really hurt. 

 

 

 

I don’t know if i’ll ever find the strength to forgive him. Eventually maybe, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget what he did. 

 

Today, for a second there, I saw Dave’s face on his. It was that SCARY. 

 

 

“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”

-The Mourning Bride by William Congreve
 

 

 

 

To my reader,

I’m really sorry if you’re reading this and it’s all mismatched and unedited. I had to pour out everything I feel or else I’d go crazy. 

 

Day 28: To message ALL 170 FRIENDS

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Hello Insomnia, we meet again.

It’s 2: 36 am and I have been awake- stalking people in Facebook, desperately trying to message old friends who have rotted in my “To Talk” list. Six hours ago, I had a mental breakdown inside Ricky’s car because I was crying for new friends, new routine, new places to eat, new things to do, basically… something different and “new.” I got pissed off over a small thing like a sandwich that Ricky thought was “bad” (as in spoiled) because it had been sitting in the car for 6 hours… I mean come on, there are so many people who can’t eat and he was going to throw that away? It really was a waste.

I don’t know why I was so pent up with so much emotions. I don’t know if it was the fullness of the moon since I seem to always turn into a moody b*tch (a friend called me a werewolf!) or that I was so emotionally stressed out that I had to basically breakdown in tears. Running in the gym didn’t help since I started looking at the people as if they were hamsters running in elliptical machines.

It was a really crazy day.

And now, I find myself unable to sleep when I need to wake up early so I can start my day right.

Not long ago, I was apologizing to old friends for being MIA and thanking them for their existence in Facebook (I’m losing it). My goal was to message all 170 friends, but you know, as I looked through my friend’s list, I started telling myself,

“Oh God, I’m not talking to her, she’s a c*nt.”

“Hell to the no that I’m hitting him up! He’ll think I’m interested in him.”

“Why am I friends with these people? I don’t even like them.”

As much as I dreaded the idea of messaging all 170 friends, I gave up and chose the ones that matter. The ones who deserve an apology from me, like my sister in Singapore whom I haven’t seen or talked to in awhile because I was too busy being a selfish teenager – “back in the day.”

Anyways, I really don’t know what I’m talking about in this post. I feel like my logical balance has gone astray, an aura is overwhelmingly making me moody and I feel more confused over the littlest things. Just in case you are wondering, it’s not PMS-ing. I just had my monthly dues! So yeah… I think my body’s a bit in tuned with nature lately: if it’s cloudy, expect me to be in a really bad and lazy mood and if it’s sunny, expect me to be so happy and with so much energy. I must be mother nature’s manifestation. (#BULL_CRAP)

Okay… I think I need to hit the bed.

Night. I meant, morning.

Day 5: For once, my heart speaks.

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When Ricky and I fight or when we’re not in good terms, a part of me feels scared.

I feel very scared and I feel like I’m back in this position:

It’s like finding myself at a standstill. It feels like I’m back in a disposition where I’ve recently come out of a break-up and being in a point where I swore to myself not to stoop so low for love and not to even DARE fall in love. It’s those moments when I feel that my inner self wants to close its doors and try to mend itself. It seems that, that’s how my heart function nowadays: after enduring so many heartaches, it started to adapt. Instead of forgiving, I slowly start becoming harder like stone.

And yet, some part of me, strangely, still waits for my Prince Charming. I know I’ve committed to myself and in this blog not to discuss Beppe, but in times of sadness or when I feel very down, I go back to the times I’ve spent with him. Maybe a part of me is still drawn to him because he helped me release this vibrant, beautiful, and fierce persona that I’ve molded out of my insecurities and the foundation of who I am today. I felt stunning. Maybe that’s why I am still drawn to him, because he reminded me of those times when I was stronger, free-spirited, desirable; I simply felt like a goddess in his arms. He treated me like a prima donna and he made me believe in myself. For once, a guy molded me not to destroy myself with insecurities, but with a strong conviction that I am different: that I am beautiful. He made me one of his top priorities when I was dating him. There was never a day that he turned me down because he always wanted to work it all out  even if it was only 2 hours of seeing him in Panera, even if he were to dine there at lunchtime and see a glimpse of my smile. He worked 12 hours in 6 days a week, how did he do it? I don’t know. My memories with him, no matter how much angry he’ll make me, will always remain close to my heart, no matter what.

Oh God, why am I remembering him now? 

But when it comes to Ricky, it’s different. Sure, Ricky’s been my best bud and he knows me better, but why…

Why do I feel insecure, vulnerable, and a bit worthless when I’m dating him? I don’t know why I feel that way around Ricky, but recently, I’ve become more weak, emotional and I feel that my old self has awaken from its temporary abyss: I’m almost the insecure, depressed, and restrained Khristine.

Sometimes, I am struggling with Ricky because he’s my best friend and yet, he’s my boyfriend. It often crossed my mind if we were both better off as friends, that we never went down this road. But it’s hard to think of it that way now, since heightened feelings and deeper emotions have directed our friendship into where we are now.

Maybe the ultimate thing that scared me when losing Ricky is that besides his love, he’ll also take away his friendship from me. It scares me more to think that I will lose my best friend, the only one who listened to my rants patiently and who has handled my craziest breakdowns. When I think of that, it makes me wish that Ricky and I never went into a relationship. For that moment, I miss being bestest friends with no kissing, no, none of that.

I think, I’m honestly just having an emotional breakdown right now because Ricky screamed at me in the phone. He asks me to suggest things and that he’s frustrated because he doesn’t know what I want. But to be honest, I really don’t know what I want, sadly.

I don’t want to be alone,

but maybe in being alone,

I’ll find the love that I truly deserve and find what I really want.

And maybe,” to be alone” meant to start a journey.

To learn to love being alone-

To be truly satisfied with myself- alone.

Day 25: Love Lessons 101

[Posted originally from my Facebook-notes!]

I’m in one of those “random” moods wherein I post notes about my thoughts, hoping that I could inspire other people who are going through a few “bumps” in regards to relationships. I AM NOT bragging that I’m knowledgeable or that I want to preach, but that I simply want to encourage and uplift people’s self-esteem off the roof! I think one of the reasons why I’m doing this, it’s because I’ve heard quite a few stories about unbearable break-ups and unrequited love affairs. I’m just a happy person who would like to give back to the world- hoping that I could at least make someone just as happy or close to what I’m feeling right now.

So far, I’ve classified those different problems into different categories:

The Seeker, the Blind, the Giver, the Dreamer, and the Remainder.

1. For the Seeker who kept on dating but found no love after a few tries.

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My best friend, Faith, has told me once, “I think it’s best that you stay single for awhile. Give yourself a break from dating. I know you don’t like the idea of being single, but I think you need to learn how to LOVE being alone.” I’m not proud to share that I’ve dated quite a few. A few of those guys were half-way decent, nowhere near-Brad Pitt looks and totally NOT in my league. Thinking back, how could I have dated those guys? What was I thinking? I would have never thought of asking those questions until I started giving myself a break: a break from seeing guys, a break from jumping into relationships that I wasn’t really up for in the first place, and a break to really sort out what I want in a person who I want to be with. It took a lot of thinking and a lot of spending quality time with myself that I loved being single. My goals in life were falling in the right places and unexpectedly, romance was waiting for it to happen and I wasn’t even expecting it. Love just happened to drop by when I’ve completely let myself go from looking for it. Bottom line, start taking a break and pay more attention to yourself, because your relationship with you is the one that will make you thrive in the harshest challenges you’ll go through in life.  Stop seeking Mr. Right and start chasing You.

2. For the Blind who loved ever so dearly, but was cheated on and has the hardest time to let go.

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Two words for you: Wake Up. I remember those days when I cried my eye balls out for a boy who ripped my heart in pieces when I found him naked with a supposedly nice neighborhood-friend. My family was very supportive of me, until one-day, my dad finally couldn’t take it and he snapped, “Stop crying. That’s what happens to you when you don’t know what you’re jumping in.” At that moment, a part of me just felt awful and I knew that I have to stop mourning. Life moves on. Of course, we don’t know what we’re jumping into most of the time, but we all have to take responsibility of our actions. I couldn’t just let myself cry over a boy and call it the end of the world for me. NO. I looked at my dad and a part of me woke up, “My life starts now. Second chances begin now. Try again NOW. Let go Now. Move on or you’ll get stuck.” Lesson learned: Let go and start moving on. There are, in fact, TONS of fishes out there, I’ve proven that myself. I’m still living happily after that horrible break-up, so you can too. You’ve been disrespected and you need to let yourself recuperate. I don’t care what type of person you’ve been with, but damage has already been done. They say, forgive and forget, but can you really forget?

3. For the Giver who poured everything into the relationship, but was left unrequited.

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I think love is either a two way or a one-way street. To be in a two-way relationship, you’re lucky because that’s pretty rare to find. Carrie Bradshaw, the fictional character in Sex and the City, compared relationships and investing. She thought that dating or being in a relationship is almost like investing. Let’s just say the worth of your rent is the same worth as the money you’re giving away for profit. So, if you’re giving 100% for profit and you only get 50% back for income, you don’t get a month’s worth of salary. In fact, you’re pretty short in paying the next rent, that’s of course regardless of having previous savings and having cheap rent. Now let’s apply that into a relationship scenario:  It’s almost like staying up for someone who promised to call you back so many times, but they were too busy, so you lose sleep when they, themselves get enough rest. Or you could be in a scenario when you drive someone for a 2- hour distance but doesn’t have the courtesy to chip in for your gas. Isn’t that unfair? You’re a giver and you’re very generous but you happen to be with the wrong person: the taker. There’s nothing wrong in giving, but there is only so much you can take. So start looking for your other pair: the giver. As Nat King Cole has classically sang it in history, “the greatest thing, you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” Well said!

4. For the Dreamer who imagined a white picket-fenced house with a well-to-do prince charming, but found herself still sleeping.

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You’re not sleeping beauty. I find humor in other women who are waiting for a Ryan Gosling look-alike. It’s like, they’re dreaming of their celebrity crush to marry them. If they don’t have a celebrity crush, they have a very detailed list: handsome, has money, has a decent job, has perfect teeth, very nice, sensitive, romantic and the list goes on and on. There’s nothing wrong in dreaming but that’s quite unrealistic. After dating a few guys, I don’t think I’ve met a well-rounded, perfect guy from head to feet. Then again, we all have our own definition of perfection. If we pushed our expectations aside and let ourselves go, we might just be able to find our own prince charming. As the Frog Prince story teaches us, “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your handsome prince.”

5. For the Remainder who decides to wait and stay in an ambiguous relationship with boundless hope that the relationship will someday pick itself up from where it left off, but found doubt and confusion rather than closure.

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It’s hard to get separated from the person you want to spend forever with, especially when they are half-way across the world or across the country. I’ve fallen madly in love with someone who was the epitome of what I define, prince charming. However, our relationship didn’t last because he had to go back to Italy or else he’ll get deported. I was the remainder in the relationship, being that I wanted to wait. I saw a future with him and I hoped every day for the next 12 months that we’re going to be together. With all the loving memories I had with him, it destroyed me because I couldn’t let go. It was impossible. I was completely devastated, lost and I looked for him in every guy to fill that loss. However, I realized that while he is in Italy, pursuing cooking and falling madly in love with traveling, I looked at myself not progressing but mourning with the memories he left behind. I thought it was unfair. I didn’t want to be the “remainder” of the relationship and so I started letting go, slowly until I recuperated. I know it’s hard to not wait for someone and sometimes it’s really based on your own choice, but you have to realize that you, yourself have your own needs too. Maybe right now, your paths aren’t meant to be and that you are meant for someone else better or that down the road, you’ll meet again. What really matters is, you’re happy. If you’re no longer happy in waiting, pull the plug and let go. If you’re happy in waiting, then stay for another extra mile. “When people walk away from you, let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you and it doesn’t mean that they are bad people. It just means that their part in your story is over” –Unknown.

I’m not a relationship expert but I’ve based most of these from my past and from other people’s experiences. We all make mistakes and we all fall down even when we think we’re invincible. We’re all built to get hurt and learn. We shouldn’t get stuck.

I hope that you find this inspirational or interesting. I don’t want to cause a fuss, but I think it’s nice to pass what I’ve learned about dating. I guess part of the reason why I decided to do this, it’s because it’s another year for me and time has definitely taught me a plethora of lessons and I’m very lucky that I made it through every challenge and learned from them.

P.S.

To the boys who made me cry and taught me lessons, thank you so much. To the friends who have been with me through it all, I love you! To my family who never stopped loving me, you have my heart! To the people who shared their stories and problems to me, I am very honored. To my Ricky, you are my light!

-Khristine XOXO

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