2: Don’t let him get you.

She dreamt of him last night again. This time, her dream was more vivid and longer than she ever had of him. She confronted him and poured all her stored anger on him. She felt her heart beat fast, making it difficult for her to breathe. She felt her blood burning in her veins, racing towards her cheeks and drowning her in heat. He approached her with his new girlfriend, Stella.

Her anger was rising, she couldn’t keep it anymore. She finally confronted him:

“Why did you leave? Why can’t you just leave me alone? After five years, after leaving me, look at me, I’m still crying over you. I can’t get you out of my mind. I still love you.”

He cried and said, “I know piccola. I miss you too. I want you back.”

The dream was so real, she didn’t want to leave. As soon as she told herself that she didn’t want to wake up because she knew it was only a dream, reality finally woke her up. She felt her heart racing and hoping that He was still in front of her, asking her to come back.

It was 2:30 am and she tried to doze off, but he was still in her mind. She tried to remember what her friend, Mandy, told her,

“Don’t let him get you. Every time you let him into your mind, your obsession of what he looks like or how he treated you, will forever trap you in that idealistic limbo. I know you’re hoping he’ll come back, but let’s face it honey, it’s been five years. Plus, you’re married. You’re married to Richard. You don’t want to be an obsessed b*tch.”

She looked away from the ceiling and saw Richard, sleeping peacefully next to her. She removed the sheets that separated him from her. She moved closer to him and found a spot on his warm chest. Richard unconsciously opened his arms to let her head rest on his chest. She watched him take several breaths and wondered what he could be dreaming. Cece felt a pang of guilt and tried her hardest to brush it all off by closing her eyes, but despite her effort, she hoped to dream of Him again.

A Response to a Letter I Wrote to Myself, Four Years Ago!

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To my dearest 24- year old self,

Nice to meet you! I’ve never met you before and I don’t know how you are like. All I can do is to assume what you are like. I am your 20-year- old version and I am currently still in college. I do hope that you and I are reading this somewhere in 2014. Somewhere… pleasant and I hope with someone that we are both currently happy with.

24: Hello 20! I am your 24- year-old self writing this to you on New Year’s Eve of 2014. I got married with someone last September 24th. You’d be surprised to who: Ricky! I know! That was totally unexpected! 

20: You will look back at this point in time when I was writing this to you: bored out of my mind, tired and exhausted from work, but thrilled of the unknown. I want to assume what you are like, instead of telling you a recap of what happened to us. I expect that your memory is still sharp, so reminiscing from the years I remember wouldn’t be necessary. I just need to know the future that is ahead of me.

Here goes my list of questions and hopefully, you will still remember this blog post (and this blog) and you will answer to my questions through a form of a letter.

24: Despite our busy schedule, I’ve managed to drop in here once in awhile to share my thoughts and to keep this blog alive. After all, this is how I found this letter and I am so glad I remembered it! 

1. How’s life treating you?

Life has been interesting and full of unexpected twists and turns. We learn to adapt from changes that we initially thought was the biggest letdown.

2. Did you decide to change your major or did you pursue Nursing? Do you like it so far?

There was a moment a few years back when we decided to leave nursing for good and concentrate on Hotel Management. That thought didn’t last long because of a sudden change of heart. I decided to get a certificate as a Nursing Assistant and after that, our passion for nursing sparked. Currently, I do like nursing and I am waiting to get my feet to work. Additionally, I am in my last semester of nursing and I hope I make it to graduation this coming May!

3. Are you on our lovely couch, in our own home reading this post? What’s our place like?

No, I am currently still living at our parent’s house. It’s not bad because I’m saving a lot of money while I’m trying to finish our degree in nursing. 

4. How’s mom and dad? How’s the rest of the family?

Mom and dad have changed so much, in a good way. Remember when they used to be strict and they imposed strict curfews? Well, they don’t really care that much, except that they would much appreciate it if I tell them my whereabouts. They have been a lot lenient. Probably because of the fact that I’ve grown up and I’ve been a lot more responsible.

Little brother has matured a lot. He had a lot of drawbacks, but he managed to go through them. He is a lot more responsible, he respects mom and dad. He can still be a little stubborn, but he has definitely grown so much. 

As for our sister Lorraine, she’s married to ate Jhei now and she can finally work! She works at the Post Office and she’s finally moved out.

5. The World Cup is on this year! Last July, I watched Spain beat Netherlands with Beppe and Alberto. Didn’t you say you were going to Brazil to watch it live?

Ahhh… the World Cup this year has brought so many nostalgias to the point that I decided to reunite the Gang again. It was a pathetic reunion, but it still worked. Unfortunately, I didn’t go to Brazil to watch the game. By the way, Germany beat Argentina (1-0). Maybe I’ll go watch the games in Russia in 2018. . . or not! hahaha ! 

6. Speaking of Beppe, are you still talking to him? Did you end up visiting him in Italy? Tell me the entire story.

I know that you must have been excited to hear this story. There’s so much to tell, but I don’t know where to begin! I think it’s been complicated in terms of maintaining my friendship with him. Even after four years have passed, I struggled to get Beppe out of my mind. It made it worse when the World Cup came around. The games reminded me a lot about Beppe. It wasn’t until recently that I started to slowly wake up from his spell. I think it started when Ricky and I got married. I knew right there and then that I had to change. So, in the hopes of letting myself go from Beppe, I deleted him in Facebook, in Instagram, I even changed my name in there so that he can’t find me. I’m happy that I’m no longer waiting for him.

I never got the chance to visit him in Italy. Now, he is working in Sydney with his Italian girlfriend, Sara, who is also a chef. Beppe came back in the US two years ago with Sara. One night, he and I were going to meet at a restaurant with his former boss and his boss’ date. At that time, I didn’t know that Sara was his girlfriend. So when I was on the way to the restaurant to see him, he texted me that he was with his girlfriend, Sara. I turned my car around and I gave him a BS excuse. Obviously, I didn’t want to interrupt a double date, so I never showed up. I know I ruined the chances of meeting or having a closure with Beppe, but I’m glad I never saw him again. I would rather have that ending back in October of ’10 when he finally walked away, gave me one last kiss and he said, “We are not going to say addio, instead let’s just say a presto.” Things didn’t end up the way we wished, but glad it happened. 

7. What are you like at 24? Did you finally have the courage to cut your hair short?

As much as I would like to brag that being in my 24th year has given me such immense beauty and that I am at the pinnacle of my prime, you, my 20-year-old-self looked so much better! I never had the courage to cut my hair short even though it was the trend this fall. I think I’m growing it out healthily and I have been religiously seeing my (mediocre) hair stylist to cut my hair to the length of one- inches with long layers, every two months. So far, my hair has been longer and healthier, but I need a haircut soon! I feel some split ends have reached the top of my head 😦

8. Did you lose weight or did you gain weight?

Like I said, you, my 20-year-old-self looked so much better than me now. I have gained about 15 pounds from nursing school and I have been trying to lose weight, but those darn McDonald’s french fries are irresistible! What do they put in it anyways? Crack?

9. Is the world still spinning? We both know that we are afraid of zombies… so has the world been dominated by zombies yet?

Hahah, child, so far the world is still spinning with the lively, ruthless, greedy capitalists expanding their empires and with no existence of the undead. I actually just finished knocking on wood, in hopes that such an invasion will not happen.

10. Are you addicted to smoking? I started smoking a few days ago and I’ve grown quite addicted to it. Did we quit?

The smoking thing was just a fad! It was just a phase that you went through because you liked a guy who was also smoking. I’m glad we never got addicted to it! It’s sooo bad for you! Also, CVS no longer sells cigarettes!

11. Tell me anything that I do not know. Write me at least two pages!

I’m stuck with this question! It sounds as if I should have gained a lot of knowledge within the span of four years, but it feels like I haven’t changed much. Maybe I did change a lot, but I don’t see it. I do know that there were a lot of things that happened and I don’t regret anything at all. I’ve done a lot of growing up and I’m still in progress. There were times when I wanted to go back to 2010, when I didn’t care much, and I’ve tried to replicate that year with each passing year, but I never did. I’m am still hoping that I could be a better version of my free spirited, 20-year-old self. 

20: I’m thrilled to meet 21 soon. I can’t wait to meet you when I turn 24 🙂

24: I’m about to meet 25 and my oh my, I’m already facing a premature arthritis on my thumb. I’m gettin old!!!! I don’t think I’m ready to meet 25 at all!!!

Don’t forget about this letter!   I never did. 

Love always,

Your not-so perfect-self :

Khristine.

A Red Bra and a Pair of Daisy Dukes.

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I am a sentimental soul, who hoards letters, notes and even gift tags, given to me by several people, who has graciously left me their small mementoes to remember them. I usually have several boxes: a pink BCBG box for Ricky’s letters, a huge brown box for everyone else: exes, family, friends, relatives, etc, and a box, which I forgot what it looks like, designated to Beppe’s gifts. I never mix them all, with the exception of one letter that I accidentally stumbled upon a few nights ago.

It all started when I was looking for my former boss’ address. I wanted to send her and her husband a Christmas greeting card because I wanted to return the favor of sending them a joyous greeting, the same way they do on every holiday. As I was going through a pile of letters in the brown box, I stumbled upon Beppe’s last farewell letter to me before he went to Italy. I honestly did not want to open it, but I did. I momentarily opened it and saw that there were two CDs inserted in the envelope. I did not read the letter, instead, I returned the letter in the envelope then I tossed it back to the box and went on with my business in sending the greeting card.

It wasn’t until last night when my curiosity was heightened. I decided to look for the letter, not read it, but explore what’s inside the CDs. As I opened the CD’s contents in my computer, pictures and videos were lined up in the folder for me to see. I saw the young me, the young Ricky (which was my favorite to see; he has changed so much! A lot more handsome than before!), and the immature side of the Gang. The pictures gave me a terrible nostalgia: I hated how I acted in the videos: a mental drunkie and a drama queen. I wasn’t proud of seeing my 20-year-old self prancing around with nothing on, but a red bra and a pair of daisy dukes. I was craaaazy. Tanned, hot, but crazy. The worse part of all, was seeing Beppe and I in our most intimate moments. I cringed and I felt my stomach sick as I saw myself making out with Beppe. Ricky was suppose to be in those pictures! I used to cry about those moments of Beppe and I, then I wished that they would happen again. Now, I honestly despise all those memories. I hated how Beppe sounded, he was too hairy, he always snapped at me when I was drunk (I couldn’t blame anyone, but Ricky never screamed at me even when I was in my craziest state), but there was something about Beppe that I didn’t notice before, maybe it’s the fact that he is part of me that I thought was unforgettable, but I failed to see that our relationship was simply a summer fling, temporary and it has no future. I hated my immature side and I felt sick of seeing him. It made me miss Ricky and it made me proud of how much I have changed and how much I’ve grown.

The best part of reminiscing 2010 was how Ricky and I started from nothing more than being good friends to husband and wife! 😀

Also, it was a wake up call! It’s time to lose the 15 pounds I’ve gained in nursing school and maybe slip into that red bra and daisy dukes once in a blue moon. What’s the harm of bringing out the Wild Khristine?!!

Karma is a B*tch

I will never forget that day when an ex, who cheated on me, told me, “No one will ever want you. Just look at you. No guy will ever want to be with you.”

Fast forward a few years later, I’m married with someone and my ex is still single, desperate for someone to love him in return.

Karma is a bitch.

Limerence

It’s been four years since we called it quits. It’s been four years since I saw you and my mind still lingers to what could have been…

But I’m getting married on Wednesday and I can’t keep dwelling on you anymore. I am in love with the idea of being with you, but to devote my entire lifetime in hopes of loving you is delusional.

I’ve had enough of you Giuseppe Iemma. I’ve held onto you longer than I’ve wanted to. So today, this moment at 10:21pm, I’m deleting you forever. Hopefully, this will give me the closure and peace that I deserve. This will give us a chance to finally go through our paths separately, forever. I am scattering our dreams into the infinite abyss of “what could have been’s” and locking it there with no hope of ever pulling it out again. It was nice, but it was never meant to be.

I’m erasing you from my memory not because I want to, but because I choose to.

It’s been nice… to recount all our beautiful memories spent together, but with every beginning, there is an ending.

Thank you for the memories.

I loved you once and I still love you. It hurts to say that and I feel guilty, but I’d rather let it all out now then let it all linger.

Day 5: For once, my heart speaks.

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When Ricky and I fight or when we’re not in good terms, a part of me feels scared.

I feel very scared and I feel like I’m back in this position:

It’s like finding myself at a standstill. It feels like I’m back in a disposition where I’ve recently come out of a break-up and being in a point where I swore to myself not to stoop so low for love and not to even DARE fall in love. It’s those moments when I feel that my inner self wants to close its doors and try to mend itself. It seems that, that’s how my heart function nowadays: after enduring so many heartaches, it started to adapt. Instead of forgiving, I slowly start becoming harder like stone.

And yet, some part of me, strangely, still waits for my Prince Charming. I know I’ve committed to myself and in this blog not to discuss Beppe, but in times of sadness or when I feel very down, I go back to the times I’ve spent with him. Maybe a part of me is still drawn to him because he helped me release this vibrant, beautiful, and fierce persona that I’ve molded out of my insecurities and the foundation of who I am today. I felt stunning. Maybe that’s why I am still drawn to him, because he reminded me of those times when I was stronger, free-spirited, desirable; I simply felt like a goddess in his arms. He treated me like a prima donna and he made me believe in myself. For once, a guy molded me not to destroy myself with insecurities, but with a strong conviction that I am different: that I am beautiful. He made me one of his top priorities when I was dating him. There was never a day that he turned me down because he always wanted to work it all out  even if it was only 2 hours of seeing him in Panera, even if he were to dine there at lunchtime and see a glimpse of my smile. He worked 12 hours in 6 days a week, how did he do it? I don’t know. My memories with him, no matter how much angry he’ll make me, will always remain close to my heart, no matter what.

Oh God, why am I remembering him now? 

But when it comes to Ricky, it’s different. Sure, Ricky’s been my best bud and he knows me better, but why…

Why do I feel insecure, vulnerable, and a bit worthless when I’m dating him? I don’t know why I feel that way around Ricky, but recently, I’ve become more weak, emotional and I feel that my old self has awaken from its temporary abyss: I’m almost the insecure, depressed, and restrained Khristine.

Sometimes, I am struggling with Ricky because he’s my best friend and yet, he’s my boyfriend. It often crossed my mind if we were both better off as friends, that we never went down this road. But it’s hard to think of it that way now, since heightened feelings and deeper emotions have directed our friendship into where we are now.

Maybe the ultimate thing that scared me when losing Ricky is that besides his love, he’ll also take away his friendship from me. It scares me more to think that I will lose my best friend, the only one who listened to my rants patiently and who has handled my craziest breakdowns. When I think of that, it makes me wish that Ricky and I never went into a relationship. For that moment, I miss being bestest friends with no kissing, no, none of that.

I think, I’m honestly just having an emotional breakdown right now because Ricky screamed at me in the phone. He asks me to suggest things and that he’s frustrated because he doesn’t know what I want. But to be honest, I really don’t know what I want, sadly.

I don’t want to be alone,

but maybe in being alone,

I’ll find the love that I truly deserve and find what I really want.

And maybe,” to be alone” meant to start a journey.

To learn to love being alone-

To be truly satisfied with myself- alone.

Day 3: NEVER EVER be friends with your EX. EVER.

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I vowed to myself never to blog anything about my exes again – most especially Beppe, my ex Italian boyfriend. I clearly declared on a post about a few weeks ago, that I have some kind of closure with him. I mean, to me it was a closure considering how he was no longer lingering in my mind until he managed to yet again bombard me with text messages:

(Obviously, since he’s been back in Italy for the last two years and had no contact with English speakers but me, his English has been too hard to understand.)

“Hei Khristine! Do not delete the [this] message before you have read it please… I can see that you are very angry on me,and honestly I would really like, and I think also deserve, to know why you are so mad on me. What do I did you? because our friendship after our relation was and still is really and very important for me!!! may try to guess that it is about Sarah, but you are with Rodrigo so what is the problem??? I really hope that for the time we shared together and all the great things we did together you will give me an answer because like I said before I do want to keep my friendship and contact with you!!! ciao and say hi to the gang…”

WHAT?

Did he just accuse me of being a jealous, obsessed and desperate ex-girlfriend? For his own information, the reason why I haven’t been in touch with him since that night, it’s because I have so much on my plate: I have finals and a very important board exam to study. I have my life too you know! On top of that, I have been melodramatic with Ricky because of my monthly PMSing drama about some things we need to work on as a couple. I even made a note explaining to Beppe that I am not bothered with him dating Sarah since I, myself, am happy with Ricky, but he clearly ignored it! I ranted on how Beppe and I promised to tell each other if we legit started dating other people seriously. I even told him about Ricky and he knew about it. However, when Beppe invited me to dinner that night when he was in town, he never told me he was dating someone until I was at two lights away from the restaurant. What was he trying to do?! EMBARRASS ME IN FRONT OF HIS EX-BOSS AND HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND? WHAT KIND OF FRIEND IS HE? He didn’t even respect the fact that he has a new girlfriend and he’s bringing his ex-girlfriend to dinner as well? Does he not respect what we promised before? He never said anything about Sarah until that night. I felt betrayed because I was close to being humiliated. Thank God I was clever enough to figure it all out and stood him up for a dinner date set up for four people plus one random ex-girlfriend  (ME).

So, maybe I do have some pent-up anger, but I’m not being obsessed. He was being selfish to think that everything revolved around his freakin’ Italian ass.

He didn’t stop there. He gave me this pity text message this morning about how he’s not going to text me again and yada…yada…..

“This will be my last text message to you, after that you will have finally no more buttering (bothering, I think) from me, I hope at least this will make you happie!! I do apologize for everything bad I did to you even if I will neber know it because of your no telling me. But is your decision and is fine this way! I’ll miss you but I’ll forever remember the time we shared together, be safe and do not lose your amazing smile! ciao Beppe!!!”

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UGH. My blood is boiling hot with how he thinks he’s the victim here. Also, I hate how the blame is pointed at me. I DID SEND HIM A NOTE VIA TEXT MESSAGE AND E-MAIL. What does he expect me to do? Reactivate my Facebook account? EFF NO. I’m tired of relying on Facebook for social interaction with friends. Why can’t we all go back to e-mailing, texting or better yet… CALLING. DAMN IT. COMMUNICATION WOULD HAVE BEEN A LOT EASIER YOU KNOW!

Also, what’s really the point in saying those “I miss you,” “I’ll never forget you,” “I cherish your friendship, “We should be friends” That’s complete UTTER BS.

Here’s the bottom line folks, YOU CAN NEVER BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EXES. Some might disagree on my claim, but in my situation, I cannot be friends with Beppe. Why are we still friends? It’s not like he knows or cares a damn thing about my life. If he cared as a friend, he wouldn’t say, goodbye… rather he would understand that I, too, have a life and that I’m probably too busy to explain everything over a text message and that he would call me because he cares that much about his made-up excuse of having me as a friend. A friendship that he thinks could have a slight chance of being more than just friends that maybe… JUST MAYBE. UGH.

It took me a year to get over Beppe and when I finally said to myself to stop crying and move on, that’s when I literally stop wishing for “maybes.” I clearly gave up and stopped chasing empty pavements of hoping Beppe and I can get back with each other.

It was all just a SUMMER FLING!

Seriously, I’ve seen this ex move before: they see you all happy with someone and they try so HARD to get you to like them back.

UGH. I’m not that naive, COME ON BEPPE. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.

Day 3: A Rant.

I want to be single. Almost all of my relationships lasted for a maximum of 3 months and I felt as if I had a new boyfriend or boy-toy every season. It has become harder for me to restrain myself from indulging to the idea that meeting other guys is not bad. And to still get in touch with ex-boyfriends, just as long as there is no physical contact, will not harm me at all. However,

I personally don’t like it when an ex boyfriend randomly sends me a message because he’s feeling lonely.

I’m fine the way you left me, so please, leave me be.

I’m not dumb. Just because I’m quiet about your posts in Facebook doesn’t mean I don’t know anything.

Two weeks ago, you were adoring one girl from Hawaii and now you want my number and you want to see me?

Honestly…

I’m not a substitute and I’ve had it with you. I’ve given you more than two chances already.

I’m sooo done!