The Ghosts of Summer 2010

There’s something different in the air this summer. I can’t seem to pinpoint it, but it feels strangely too calm, as if there’s a rising uproar in the distance. I want to know what it is, but I have this weird feeling that is so similar to what I’ve felt five years ago. It’s strangely familiar yet it feels different.

The people I’ve met five years ago are slowly creeping in. Old friendships are re-kindling, friends who were turned away are once again looking forward to a second chance. Old, forgotten habits are slowly re-surfacing. Could old romances be repeated once again? Maybe not. That’s too impossible. That’s been locked and buried 1000 ft. below sea level.

Pretty soon I’m turning 25. Maybe summer’s going to be different this year. Whether the ghost of the past comes back or not, all I want is to finally have a chance to sip my sangrias without wasting this summer without a nice (fake) tan 😉

Maybe the young Kat will finally re-surface once again. Maybe this time, she’s more mature yet wilder.

Loner

I’m so used to being a loner for quite some time now that I despise being in a crowd for more than an hour.

I’m so used to being a loner that when I have problems, instead of sharing it with a friend, I seclude myself in my own retreat or spill it out through WordPress.

I’m so used to being a loner that I don’t care if I lose a friend, gain a friend, lose a friend, gain a friend, etc.

I’m so used to being a loner that I became distrustful of people and their ulterior motives.

I’m so used to being a loner that I’ve closed my real self from the face of the world and only show it to those who truly know me.

I’m so used to being a loner that I appreciate my own solitude and despise people prying on my personal business.

I’m so used to being a loner that it has to be in the perfect mood and the perfect timing for me to go out.

Every one of us craves to be noticed or to be applauded. We were all raised to be competitive and to make something out of ourselves. We all grew up believing that being admired for achievements or for physical attributes made us feel really good about ourselves. We all want to be a SOMEBODY, someone who everybody could look up to, someone who everybody wants to be and someone who gets to have that “prized poney.”

Who doesn’t want to be admired?

No one.

I recently started my Registered Nurse (RN) Program and I will say that it’s been very tough. It’s very hard to concentrate and it’s so hard to be on top of things because professors throw readings and homework assigns left and right. They pressure us to get into groups and establish a connection with our peers because they all believe that down the road, we will all become “bestest friends.”

Yeah right.

For the past two weeks, I have noticed that a lot of students are trying too hard to stand out. They all want to be that student who gets the “A.” They like to suck up to the teacher, despite how horrible the teacher’s jokes are. I mean… how can I establish connections with people who strive too hard to be someone?

To be honest, I think it’s just me being very insecure. I feel inadequate, as if I’m not trying hard enough to be that motivated student I see in each class. I mean, I do my homework, but I barely read.  I do pay attention in class to the point that I will try so hard to arrive in class 30 minutes early (which doesn’t always happen), just to get in front of the class. If I don’t get the seat in front, I GO MENTALLY BALISTIC inside.

Also, it doesn’t help that I have a “baby face.” I look like I’m 19 and people in my class (almost all of them are 25+) do not take me seriously. I know the answer but half the time, they don’t listen to me- they have to re-check and look at the book. UGH.

I tell all these frustrations I have to Ricky. He told me that I shouldn’t be insecure and that I should always be pacing myself. Who cares if I don’t get to be the teacher’s pet? Or if I didn’t get an A in the class? As long as I’m in my own pace, doing what I need to do, then I’ll be okay. I look at Ricky and he does make sense. He went through his own MLT program concentrating on his own thing and didn’t care what other people do or think. He focused in his own stuff and now he’s working in a lab at a hospital and pursuing his Biology major in the university. What a role model huh? He left his own mark and he’s someone I look up to.

So, in conclusion to my ranting, I should focus on my thing and let the others do whatever they want. After all, we all want to be somebody, but it doesn’t mean that we all have to be the same.

Day 35: The same crap

I want to scream because I feel this ’emptiness’ inside me grow bigger that it starts to hurt. I feel so lonely and isolated. After all, isn’t this what I’ve asked for? People would leave me alone and let me be. But it seemed as though they’ve tossed me aside- like some side dish to their main course.  But really, I feel like I want to scream and cry, but I cannot bring myself to do any of that.

The idea of “being happy by yourself,” and without depending on other people for happiness was initially suggested by Ricky. He believes that I shouldn’t rely on people to make me happy or for the sake of having company. [But aren’t human beings social by nature?] He thinks that I shouldn’t chase after people and let them come to me… blaahh blahh blahh.

What he doesn’t understand is that we’re different. He’s introvert and prefers spending his quiet nights playing his guitar, watching YouTube videos, getting amused aroused by the pictures in Chive and jerking off on some blonde b*t*ch in pornland. I, in the other hand, would prefer either spending the night by crafting alone [when I have no one to hang out with]  or to hang out with people [who doesn’t heavily chug alcohol like it’s water] and by people- I mean, friends who I can be myself and be spontaneous with!

I think Ricky has it easier with everything else. He’s got friends from high school whom he can call whenever. I can’t do that because I didn’t have friendships in high school that survived this long. I know of some people whom I used to hang out with, but it’s been years and if it’s anything, we’ve only hung out because of a project we had to do.

The main root of my friendship disappointments stretches back to when I first came here in America. We moved a lot before we settled in Virginia and it has been tough trying to make friends because I knew those friendships won’t last. Then when we finally settled into Virginia, I dated my first boyfriend, Dave, when I was 16 and I was utterly naive. I wouldn’t spend time with any school mates because I knew I was comfortable with him and having friends didn’t seem like it was necessary at that time. After three years of dating Dave, I felt utterly alone because he was the only friend I’ve got. Eventually, I found friends, then ditched them for a new boyfriend, we broke up, then I try to find friends then have a new guy… etc. It has been a cycle.

In all honesty, I’ve got more experience in dating instead of handling friendships. I am very skeptical of people’s motives; therefore, I don’t usually keep them close. The only ones who  pursued in getting my trust were men who were willing to date me. Other than that, I haven’t met anyone at this point, who wanted me to trust them. Maybe I do, but I’m just being too stubborn and too picky.

Hopefully, this feeling gets better eventually…

Day 34: Meet my new friend

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The question I’ve been asking myself lately:

Why do I waste my time for people who don’t value my effort to get in touch with them?

Why should I pursue them to fill the ‘void’ of emptiness inside me?

Do I really need friends?”

Indeed, “No man is an island.” However, it is possible that you can be your own man in your own island. Besides, at the end of the day, who can solve all your problems? Sure, you look for guidance in God or for what religion you believe in, but who fixes it all in the end? You, not your parents, not your friends, no one else, but you.

You are your own hero. Do we have to wait for someone to motivate us to change? Do we need to find someone to fill that void we feel inside? Do we have to be around people to make us happy? Of course not! Change should start within us. Hope should blossom in ourselves. We should find happiness in ourselves because it’s permanent and it’s stable.

All of this that I have mentioned, came to me in one, quick blow while I was showering this morning. It felt like it was a revelation initiated by an invisible baseball bat that made me break from what I previously believed in: I need friends because they make me happy. In that moment, in the shower, I felt like I was indeed all on my own:

I am my own best friend,

I am my own hero,

It’s me against the world.

Although, you might think I’m skeptical and distrustful of people, you’re wrong. I know there is good in people, but I can’t rely on anyone to be in their good side all the time. I can’t rely on anyone to be by my side when the tides of darkness suddenly comes hurling in my life. I need to stand – fully armed and head strong – when things get rough. If someone is next to me, then I’ll be happy, but I won’t require an army of ‘nobody’ to stand there with me, because it only takes one person to finish it. It’s my problem, it’s my life and it’s all mine.

Before I end this post, I want to make an oath to myself:

I, Khristine, promises myself that I am perfectly happy with or without any friends. I am fully accepting that I cannot convince everybody to be my friend. I am no longer seeking for people to fill the empty void inside me. I take full responsibility in providing love, security, happiness and hope for myself. Finally, I am going to accept my imperfections for being an insufficient friend to some and start establishing friendship with myself even if it takes a thousand million tries.

This is the beginning of a new friendship with me 😀

Day 27: I want to have fun with drama!

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My life is pretty boring right now.

I’m turning 23 soon and I’m looking back to the time when I was (younger) partying (hard-er) and socializing with people who were willing to have a great time. I was a sad drunk who made everyone chase after me before I get to my car, a drama queen who grieves over her ex boyfriends and according to Ricky, I had this energy that attracts people to me (aka center of attention?).

I love to socialize with people no matter how silly, miserable or fake they all seemed. I didn’t care. I wanted to have fun and I wanted to be around the people who were full of energy because in my head, they were all in my sick- imaginative- reality drama series. I was the mastermind and they were my puppets.

I was a slimy girl who plotted on drama that would infuse the night more interestingly. I would go to parties where my enemies had no idea that I was going to. I enjoyed my time and I ignored their presence. Once, I even invited a friends-with-benefits guy in one of my birthdays where my ex-boyfriend was at the same time. The night didn’t end well since a friend of his and my ex-bf started fighting. I thought that was interesting. There were also a couple of nights when I literally made myself drunk to the point where I’ve stopped everyone from drinking and gave drunk speeches and got carried to the car because I passed out-drunk. Then there was a night when I pulled out a knife to someone (jokingly) because I thought she was flirting with an ex boyfriend. I know, I was wild and crazy! However, I don’t regret any of those because I see them as fun (sick) memories. They are memories who defined who I am today:

A mature young lady, who no longer cries over her ex boyfriends, no longer gives drunk speeches and no longer passes out drunk without having a fit with someone.

Although it seems like it’s all a great ending to a post-teenage coming of age story, it isn’t.

I miss those days. Why?

It’s because, lately, I’ve been stuck doing these:

I hate boring hang outs where you’re only sitting in front of a table playing ‘Kings,’ just because it’s the only thing that could spark amusement and that would make the night easier to drink away the boredom. Swear, most of my nights are like that now… it’s either I get stuck with guys chatting about girls or sports or with people who rely on Kings just to have fun. I’m honestly bored with that.

I’m craving for a bit of drama, something crazy and wild to talk about. It seems that lately, I’ve been in my nice lady shoes and not so much in my crazy, wild stilettos. I’ve restrained myself from hanging out with people who has so much drama. When in fact, I’ve previously complained about getting sick of people with their drama and their BS and now I want them back in my life. ISN’T THAT CRAZY?

I erased people in my life and now I want them back to leech the living hell out of me. I don’t know about you, but I like drama in my life right now. I miss having some kind of climax or some kind of socializing with different people other than the ones who I’m usually hanging out with. I don’t know if I miss having to deal with drama but I think what I really miss is hanging out with different people.

So now, I was thinking of hitting up some old friends (whom I’ve deleted in Facebook) and some old ones that were just laying around. I want some company and it’s going to be warm pretty soon so I’m hoping for backyard and house parties more often, since it’s really that time of the year to get out there and socialize.

I wish that I won’t regret this in the end, but you know what they always say, “Be careful what you wish for because you might not like it.”

We’ll see.

Day 5: For once, my heart speaks.

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When Ricky and I fight or when we’re not in good terms, a part of me feels scared.

I feel very scared and I feel like I’m back in this position:

It’s like finding myself at a standstill. It feels like I’m back in a disposition where I’ve recently come out of a break-up and being in a point where I swore to myself not to stoop so low for love and not to even DARE fall in love. It’s those moments when I feel that my inner self wants to close its doors and try to mend itself. It seems that, that’s how my heart function nowadays: after enduring so many heartaches, it started to adapt. Instead of forgiving, I slowly start becoming harder like stone.

And yet, some part of me, strangely, still waits for my Prince Charming. I know I’ve committed to myself and in this blog not to discuss Beppe, but in times of sadness or when I feel very down, I go back to the times I’ve spent with him. Maybe a part of me is still drawn to him because he helped me release this vibrant, beautiful, and fierce persona that I’ve molded out of my insecurities and the foundation of who I am today. I felt stunning. Maybe that’s why I am still drawn to him, because he reminded me of those times when I was stronger, free-spirited, desirable; I simply felt like a goddess in his arms. He treated me like a prima donna and he made me believe in myself. For once, a guy molded me not to destroy myself with insecurities, but with a strong conviction that I am different: that I am beautiful. He made me one of his top priorities when I was dating him. There was never a day that he turned me down because he always wanted to work it all out  even if it was only 2 hours of seeing him in Panera, even if he were to dine there at lunchtime and see a glimpse of my smile. He worked 12 hours in 6 days a week, how did he do it? I don’t know. My memories with him, no matter how much angry he’ll make me, will always remain close to my heart, no matter what.

Oh God, why am I remembering him now? 

But when it comes to Ricky, it’s different. Sure, Ricky’s been my best bud and he knows me better, but why…

Why do I feel insecure, vulnerable, and a bit worthless when I’m dating him? I don’t know why I feel that way around Ricky, but recently, I’ve become more weak, emotional and I feel that my old self has awaken from its temporary abyss: I’m almost the insecure, depressed, and restrained Khristine.

Sometimes, I am struggling with Ricky because he’s my best friend and yet, he’s my boyfriend. It often crossed my mind if we were both better off as friends, that we never went down this road. But it’s hard to think of it that way now, since heightened feelings and deeper emotions have directed our friendship into where we are now.

Maybe the ultimate thing that scared me when losing Ricky is that besides his love, he’ll also take away his friendship from me. It scares me more to think that I will lose my best friend, the only one who listened to my rants patiently and who has handled my craziest breakdowns. When I think of that, it makes me wish that Ricky and I never went into a relationship. For that moment, I miss being bestest friends with no kissing, no, none of that.

I think, I’m honestly just having an emotional breakdown right now because Ricky screamed at me in the phone. He asks me to suggest things and that he’s frustrated because he doesn’t know what I want. But to be honest, I really don’t know what I want, sadly.

I don’t want to be alone,

but maybe in being alone,

I’ll find the love that I truly deserve and find what I really want.

And maybe,” to be alone” meant to start a journey.

To learn to love being alone-

To be truly satisfied with myself- alone.

Day 3: NEVER EVER be friends with your EX. EVER.

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I vowed to myself never to blog anything about my exes again – most especially Beppe, my ex Italian boyfriend. I clearly declared on a post about a few weeks ago, that I have some kind of closure with him. I mean, to me it was a closure considering how he was no longer lingering in my mind until he managed to yet again bombard me with text messages:

(Obviously, since he’s been back in Italy for the last two years and had no contact with English speakers but me, his English has been too hard to understand.)

“Hei Khristine! Do not delete the [this] message before you have read it please… I can see that you are very angry on me,and honestly I would really like, and I think also deserve, to know why you are so mad on me. What do I did you? because our friendship after our relation was and still is really and very important for me!!! may try to guess that it is about Sarah, but you are with Rodrigo so what is the problem??? I really hope that for the time we shared together and all the great things we did together you will give me an answer because like I said before I do want to keep my friendship and contact with you!!! ciao and say hi to the gang…”

WHAT?

Did he just accuse me of being a jealous, obsessed and desperate ex-girlfriend? For his own information, the reason why I haven’t been in touch with him since that night, it’s because I have so much on my plate: I have finals and a very important board exam to study. I have my life too you know! On top of that, I have been melodramatic with Ricky because of my monthly PMSing drama about some things we need to work on as a couple. I even made a note explaining to Beppe that I am not bothered with him dating Sarah since I, myself, am happy with Ricky, but he clearly ignored it! I ranted on how Beppe and I promised to tell each other if we legit started dating other people seriously. I even told him about Ricky and he knew about it. However, when Beppe invited me to dinner that night when he was in town, he never told me he was dating someone until I was at two lights away from the restaurant. What was he trying to do?! EMBARRASS ME IN FRONT OF HIS EX-BOSS AND HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND? WHAT KIND OF FRIEND IS HE? He didn’t even respect the fact that he has a new girlfriend and he’s bringing his ex-girlfriend to dinner as well? Does he not respect what we promised before? He never said anything about Sarah until that night. I felt betrayed because I was close to being humiliated. Thank God I was clever enough to figure it all out and stood him up for a dinner date set up for four people plus one random ex-girlfriend  (ME).

So, maybe I do have some pent-up anger, but I’m not being obsessed. He was being selfish to think that everything revolved around his freakin’ Italian ass.

He didn’t stop there. He gave me this pity text message this morning about how he’s not going to text me again and yada…yada…..

“This will be my last text message to you, after that you will have finally no more buttering (bothering, I think) from me, I hope at least this will make you happie!! I do apologize for everything bad I did to you even if I will neber know it because of your no telling me. But is your decision and is fine this way! I’ll miss you but I’ll forever remember the time we shared together, be safe and do not lose your amazing smile! ciao Beppe!!!”

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UGH. My blood is boiling hot with how he thinks he’s the victim here. Also, I hate how the blame is pointed at me. I DID SEND HIM A NOTE VIA TEXT MESSAGE AND E-MAIL. What does he expect me to do? Reactivate my Facebook account? EFF NO. I’m tired of relying on Facebook for social interaction with friends. Why can’t we all go back to e-mailing, texting or better yet… CALLING. DAMN IT. COMMUNICATION WOULD HAVE BEEN A LOT EASIER YOU KNOW!

Also, what’s really the point in saying those “I miss you,” “I’ll never forget you,” “I cherish your friendship, “We should be friends” That’s complete UTTER BS.

Here’s the bottom line folks, YOU CAN NEVER BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EXES. Some might disagree on my claim, but in my situation, I cannot be friends with Beppe. Why are we still friends? It’s not like he knows or cares a damn thing about my life. If he cared as a friend, he wouldn’t say, goodbye… rather he would understand that I, too, have a life and that I’m probably too busy to explain everything over a text message and that he would call me because he cares that much about his made-up excuse of having me as a friend. A friendship that he thinks could have a slight chance of being more than just friends that maybe… JUST MAYBE. UGH.

It took me a year to get over Beppe and when I finally said to myself to stop crying and move on, that’s when I literally stop wishing for “maybes.” I clearly gave up and stopped chasing empty pavements of hoping Beppe and I can get back with each other.

It was all just a SUMMER FLING!

Seriously, I’ve seen this ex move before: they see you all happy with someone and they try so HARD to get you to like them back.

UGH. I’m not that naive, COME ON BEPPE. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.

Day 31: iLoveMe

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This week has been very crazy!!! It was probably one of the most challenging obstacles that Ricky and I faced so far. Somehow, I’m very glad that we’re still together and happily compromising with certain issues. I can’t say that everything will flow smoothly from now on and I can’t say that we will not have any big fights to the point of breaking up in the future, but I can say that at this very moment, we are both happy. I am very happy that I have realized how much I love Ricky more than an ex. There are so many things that I’ve learned since May and it seems appropriate to start over again, this time, with only Ricky and I without an ex threatening to break our relationship, cherishing friends that matter and lastly, giving focus on my own needs too.

I realized that exes cannot be friends unless you’ve ultimately lost every inch of affection and interest with them. Beppe was a friend to Ricky and I but more so with me as we’ve been intimately attached before. I thought keeping a friendship with him would ease things out between us, but I’ve realized that we’ve put ourselves in that category because of the slight hope that maybe in the future, we’ll be together. Two years have gone by since we ended our relationship and we have moved on with new relationships. Things worked out differently for the best.

Also, I realized that over the past few months, I’ve seen friends that come and friends that go. I’ve reconnected with old friends from high school and friends that I’ve been out of touch with, but are still there despite our busy schedules. I’ve also cut ties with friends that were insignificant, met a few that are still being ‘tested’ and some that are on the sidelines.  I think that at this point in time, I don’t really care whoever stays or who don’t stay. From now on, I’ll let things be because somehow, things happen the way they are suppose to, when we don’t put emphasis on changing things.

I think one of the biggest issues that started to affect my relationship with Ricky is the fact that I’ve lost touch with my own individuality. I’ve been so focused on Ricky and to our relationship that I haven’t done things to please myself. I used to craft accessories, a hobby that I have been very passionate with, but was unable to continue because I became rather lazy. I haven’t been focusing on my studies as much because I’ve always wanted to go out to places with Ricky or to procrastinate as much as I can. I started feeling insecure, unsatisfied, unhappy and harder to please. I haven’t been keeping up with my own needs and it’s quite frightening, because I could lose myself in a relationship and if I let that happen, I do not only destroy myself with my insecurities, but also the relationship I share with Ricky that has so much potential. So I figured, maybe my own blog can help me. Maybe from now on, I do not only blog about my own thoughts but also the things that I am more passionate about: crafting accessories, writing poems, reading books and taking pictures- you know, the things that I enjoy and the things that makes me love my own self. After all, isn’t this blog about starting and keeping a personal relationship with myself?

So, for the next chapter(s), I’d like to really focus on the real essence of this blog: iLoveMe.

Day 17: Coffee date with an ex?

Ricky asked me a question one day:

“Is it alright to meet your ex or anyone you’ve seen over a cup of coffee to catch up?”

ME: “Of course not! Why would you agree to that in the first place?”

RICKY: “You know, just to catch up, to see how things turned out for the other person.”

ME: “Well, I don’t know.”

RICKY: “I mean wouldn’t you do that? I think you’ve done that before.”

ME: “I can’t remember that I did, but I don’t think I’m not okay with coffee because it seemed like it’s a bit too ‘intimate.’

RICKY: “How is that intimate?”

ME: “Because it’s one on one. If it’s a group, where you and her are talking with the other people then I’ll be fine with it.”

RICKY: “Won’t you trust your partner not to do anything with his ex?”

ME: “Yeah… but it’s still…not good.”

From our past conversation, I sound very apprehensive about that horrid idea of Ricky catching up to his first girlfriend, Alexa or any other girl he has formerly been attracted to. I was scared that he’d find her a lot more interesting than me.  But what if, that question was actually really meant for me? What if I did had the urge of catching up with one of the guys I’ve dated over a cup of coffee? Wouldn’t that make me a HUGE hypocrite? Yep, pretty much.

Mr. Nit-Picky, whom I’ve seen for a month in October ’10, wanted to “hang out” yesterday. Since we had a reunion a few months ago, which didn’t turn out great considering how it almost went down with a fight between Ricky and him, I figured I’ll pick a much safer place (without involving the use of alcohol) by choosing to meet at a coffee shop.

I felt a bit hesitant because initially, I’ll sound like a huge hypocrite to Ricky because I believed meeting up with an ex is unacceptable even over a cup of coffee. Secondly, I felt guilty meeting up with Mr. Nit-Picky when I clearly told Ricky that I’ll never want to see him again. I ended up eating all the words I’ve said to him. Those words didn’t taste good at all.

Before I met up with Mr. Nit-Picky, I’ve informed Ricky about my decision to catch up with him. I know that he didn’t like it, but he believes that he trust me well enough not to do anything outrageous. I had a strong feeling that I shouldn’t go- as the weather didn’t approved of it that day: strong winds and heavy rain made me feel reluctant to show up.

My routine earlier that day was a bit too much. It felt like I was getting ready for a first-date, which I felt quite guilty. All that time, I was thinking,

“Ugh… I’m too dressy, I don’t want to look like I’ve put too much effort, he might think I’m interested,

Why am I taking forever?! Why am I putting extra make up on? Wait, that’s good, because then he won’t like me as much.

Okay, I have to make sure that I have enough time to get there

Oh, I should wear this long V-neck shirt, because it makes me look chill, low key and effortless. Then again, I want to be more feminine. I’ll opt for a black slender dress.

OMG. I have got to stop this! I’ll be late for class!”

And what do you know, I was late for class. I hate being late for class because of dressing up. Why do I need to dress up for Mr. Nit-Picky anyways? I felt like I was cheating on Ricky. Then again, it’s not really cheating, it’s just that I wanted to be as fake to him as possible. I don’t want to reveal my true self. Only the special people get to see the real Khristine.

When the short hand pointed to 5 pm, I texted him and wondered if he’ll come since we originally planned to meet at 4:30. As it turned out, he had a huge assignment to do with his group. Originally, my excuse not to show up was somewhere along his lines. UGH… he beat me to it! I got stood up. Fudge. Well, I deserved it.

So, for real. I felt bad because I’ve put so much effort just to see a worthless person who probably preferred meeting at a bar than a coffee shop. Clearly, he wasn’t after my friendship but rather someone to fuck with. Why do I keep giving Mr. Nit-Picky a chance that we could still be only friends and not have anything else beyond that?  Well… obviously, I got the answer. WE CAN NEVER BE FRIENDS!!!

Now, I’ve put myself in Ricky’s shoes which was originally mine, he may not admit it, but he probably felt apprehensive and a bit jealous that I decided to see Mr. Nit-Picky. I am ashamed that I disrespected Ricky. All I wanted was to feed my curiosity of how much Mr. Nit-Picky changed. From my experience, I don’t think he has.

Despite my disappointment, I am able to appreciate Ricky’s trust with me and he’s openness to anything I do. With that being said, I respect Ricky more than anyone else I know and I love him for that.