The Ghosts of Summer 2010

There’s something different in the air this summer. I can’t seem to pinpoint it, but it feels strangely too calm, as if there’s a rising uproar in the distance. I want to know what it is, but I have this weird feeling that is so similar to what I’ve felt five years ago. It’s strangely familiar yet it feels different.

The people I’ve met five years ago are slowly creeping in. Old friendships are re-kindling, friends who were turned away are once again looking forward to a second chance. Old, forgotten habits are slowly re-surfacing. Could old romances be repeated once again? Maybe not. That’s too impossible. That’s been locked and buried 1000 ft. below sea level.

Pretty soon I’m turning 25. Maybe summer’s going to be different this year. Whether the ghost of the past comes back or not, all I want is to finally have a chance to sip my sangrias without wasting this summer without a nice (fake) tan 😉

Maybe the young Kat will finally re-surface once again. Maybe this time, she’s more mature yet wilder.

Loner

I’m so used to being a loner for quite some time now that I despise being in a crowd for more than an hour.

I’m so used to being a loner that when I have problems, instead of sharing it with a friend, I seclude myself in my own retreat or spill it out through WordPress.

I’m so used to being a loner that I don’t care if I lose a friend, gain a friend, lose a friend, gain a friend, etc.

I’m so used to being a loner that I became distrustful of people and their ulterior motives.

I’m so used to being a loner that I’ve closed my real self from the face of the world and only show it to those who truly know me.

I’m so used to being a loner that I appreciate my own solitude and despise people prying on my personal business.

I’m so used to being a loner that it has to be in the perfect mood and the perfect timing for me to go out.

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Every one of us craves to be noticed or to be applauded. We were all raised to be competitive and to make something out of ourselves. We all grew up believing that being admired for achievements or for physical attributes made us feel really good about ourselves. We all want to be a SOMEBODY, someone who everybody could look up to, someone who everybody wants to be and someone who gets to have that “prized poney.”

Who doesn’t want to be admired?

No one.

I recently started my Registered Nurse (RN) Program and I will say that it’s been very tough. It’s very hard to concentrate and it’s so hard to be on top of things because professors throw readings and homework assigns left and right. They pressure us to get into groups and establish a connection with our peers because they all believe that down the road, we will all become “bestest friends.”

Yeah right.

For the past two weeks, I have noticed that a lot of students are trying too hard to stand out. They all want to be that student who gets the “A.” They like to suck up to the teacher, despite how horrible the teacher’s jokes are. I mean… how can I establish connections with people who strive too hard to be someone?

somebody

To be honest, I think it’s just me being very insecure. I feel inadequate, as if I’m not trying hard enough to be that motivated student I see in each class. I mean, I do my homework, but I barely read.  I do pay attention in class to the point that I will try so hard to arrive in class 30 minutes early (which doesn’t always happen), just to get in front of the class. If I don’t get the seat in front, I GO MENTALLY BALISTIC inside.

Also, it doesn’t help that I have a “baby face.” I look like I’m 19 and people in my class (almost all of them are 25+) do not take me seriously. I know the answer but half the time, they don’t listen to me- they have to re-check and look at the book. UGH.

I tell all these frustrations I have to Ricky. He told me that I shouldn’t be insecure and that I should always be pacing myself. Who cares if I don’t get to be the teacher’s pet? Or if I didn’t get an A in the class? As long as I’m in my own pace, doing what I need to do, then I’ll be okay. I look at Ricky and he does make sense. He went through his own MLT program concentrating on his own thing and didn’t care what other people do or think. He focused in his own stuff and now he’s working in a lab at a hospital and pursuing his Biology major in the university. What a role model huh? He left his own mark and he’s someone I look up to.

So, in conclusion to my ranting, I should focus on my thing and let the others do whatever they want. After all, we all want to be somebody, but it doesn’t mean that we all have to be the same.

Day 35: The same crap

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I want to scream because I feel this ’emptiness’ inside me grow bigger that it starts to hurt. I feel so lonely and isolated. After all, isn’t this what I’ve asked for? People would leave me alone and let me be. But it seemed as though they’ve tossed me aside- like some side dish to their main course.  But really, I feel like I want to scream and cry, but I cannot bring myself to do any of that.

The idea of “being happy by yourself,” and without depending on other people for happiness was initially suggested by Ricky. He believes that I shouldn’t rely on people to make me happy or for the sake of having company. [But aren’t human beings social by nature?] He thinks that I shouldn’t chase after people and let them come to me… blaahh blahh blahh.

What he doesn’t understand is that we’re different. He’s introvert and prefers spending his quiet nights playing his guitar, watching YouTube videos, getting amused aroused by the pictures in Chive and jerking off on some blonde b*t*ch in pornland. I, in the other hand, would prefer either spending the night by crafting alone [when I have no one to hang out with]  or to hang out with people [who doesn’t heavily chug alcohol like it’s water] and by people- I mean, friends who I can be myself and be spontaneous with!

I think Ricky has it easier with everything else. He’s got friends from high school whom he can call whenever. I can’t do that because I didn’t have friendships in high school that survived this long. I know of some people whom I used to hang out with, but it’s been years and if it’s anything, we’ve only hung out because of a project we had to do.

The main root of my friendship disappointments stretches back to when I first came here in America. We moved a lot before we settled in Virginia and it has been tough trying to make friends because I knew those friendships won’t last. Then when we finally settled into Virginia, I dated my first boyfriend, Dave, when I was 16 and I was utterly naive. I wouldn’t spend time with any school mates because I knew I was comfortable with him and having friends didn’t seem like it was necessary at that time. After three years of dating Dave, I felt utterly alone because he was the only friend I’ve got. Eventually, I found friends, then ditched them for a new boyfriend, we broke up, then I try to find friends then have a new guy… etc. It has been a cycle.

In all honesty, I’ve got more experience in dating instead of handling friendships. I am very skeptical of people’s motives; therefore, I don’t usually keep them close. The only ones who  pursued in getting my trust were men who were willing to date me. Other than that, I haven’t met anyone at this point, who wanted me to trust them. Maybe I do, but I’m just being too stubborn and too picky.

Hopefully, this feeling gets better eventually…

Day 34: Meet my new friend

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[Image taken]

The question I’ve been asking myself lately:

Why do I waste my time for people who don’t value my effort to get in touch with them?

Why should I pursue them to fill the ‘void’ of emptiness inside me?

Do I really need friends?”

Indeed, “No man is an island.” However, it is possible that you can be your own man in your own island. Besides, at the end of the day, who can solve all your problems? Sure, you look for guidance in God or for what religion you believe in, but who fixes it all in the end? You, not your parents, not your friends, no one else, but you.

You are your own hero. Do we have to wait for someone to motivate us to change? Do we need to find someone to fill that void we feel inside? Do we have to be around people to make us happy? Of course not! Change should start within us. Hope should blossom in ourselves. We should find happiness in ourselves because it’s permanent and it’s stable.

All of this that I have mentioned, came to me in one, quick blow while I was showering this morning. It felt like it was a revelation initiated by an invisible baseball bat that made me break from what I previously believed in: I need friends because they make me happy. In that moment, in the shower, I felt like I was indeed all on my own:

I am my own best friend,

I am my own hero,

It’s me against the world.

Although, you might think I’m skeptical and distrustful of people, you’re wrong. I know there is good in people, but I can’t rely on anyone to be in their good side all the time. I can’t rely on anyone to be by my side when the tides of darkness suddenly comes hurling in my life. I need to stand – fully armed and head strong – when things get rough. If someone is next to me, then I’ll be happy, but I won’t require an army of ‘nobody’ to stand there with me, because it only takes one person to finish it. It’s my problem, it’s my life and it’s all mine.

Before I end this post, I want to make an oath to myself:

I, Khristine, promises myself that I am perfectly happy with or without any friends. I am fully accepting that I cannot convince everybody to be my friend. I am no longer seeking for people to fill the empty void inside me. I take full responsibility in providing love, security, happiness and hope for myself. Finally, I am going to accept my imperfections for being an insufficient friend to some and start establishing friendship with myself even if it takes a thousand million tries.

This is the beginning of a new friendship with me 😀

Day 27: I want to have fun with drama!

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[Image taken]

My life is pretty boring right now.

I’m turning 23 soon and I’m looking back to the time when I was (younger) partying (hard-er) and socializing with people who were willing to have a great time. I was a sad drunk who made everyone chase after me before I get to my car, a drama queen who grieves over her ex boyfriends and according to Ricky, I had this energy that attracts people to me (aka center of attention?).

I love to socialize with people no matter how silly, miserable or fake they all seemed. I didn’t care. I wanted to have fun and I wanted to be around the people who were full of energy because in my head, they were all in my sick- imaginative- reality drama series. I was the mastermind and they were my puppets.

I was a slimy girl who plotted on drama that would infuse the night more interestingly. I would go to parties where my enemies had no idea that I was going to. I enjoyed my time and I ignored their presence. Once, I even invited a friends-with-benefits guy in one of my birthdays where my ex-boyfriend was at the same time. The night didn’t end well since a friend of his and my ex-bf started fighting. I thought that was interesting. There were also a couple of nights when I literally made myself drunk to the point where I’ve stopped everyone from drinking and gave drunk speeches and got carried to the car because I passed out-drunk. Then there was a night when I pulled out a knife to someone (jokingly) because I thought she was flirting with an ex boyfriend. I know, I was wild and crazy! However, I don’t regret any of those because I see them as fun (sick) memories. They are memories who defined who I am today:

A mature young lady, who no longer cries over her ex boyfriends, no longer gives drunk speeches and no longer passes out drunk without having a fit with someone.

Although it seems like it’s all a great ending to a post-teenage coming of age story, it isn’t.

I miss those days. Why?

It’s because, lately, I’ve been stuck doing these:

I hate boring hang outs where you’re only sitting in front of a table playing ‘Kings,’ just because it’s the only thing that could spark amusement and that would make the night easier to drink away the boredom. Swear, most of my nights are like that now… it’s either I get stuck with guys chatting about girls or sports or with people who rely on Kings just to have fun. I’m honestly bored with that.

I’m craving for a bit of drama, something crazy and wild to talk about. It seems that lately, I’ve been in my nice lady shoes and not so much in my crazy, wild stilettos. I’ve restrained myself from hanging out with people who has so much drama. When in fact, I’ve previously complained about getting sick of people with their drama and their BS and now I want them back in my life. ISN’T THAT CRAZY?

I erased people in my life and now I want them back to leech the living hell out of me. I don’t know about you, but I like drama in my life right now. I miss having some kind of climax or some kind of socializing with different people other than the ones who I’m usually hanging out with. I don’t know if I miss having to deal with drama but I think what I really miss is hanging out with different people.

So now, I was thinking of hitting up some old friends (whom I’ve deleted in Facebook) and some old ones that were just laying around. I want some company and it’s going to be warm pretty soon so I’m hoping for backyard and house parties more often, since it’s really that time of the year to get out there and socialize.

I wish that I won’t regret this in the end, but you know what they always say, “Be careful what you wish for because you might not like it.”

We’ll see.

Day 5: For once, my heart speaks.

When Ricky and I fight or when we’re not in good terms, a part of me feels scared.

I feel very scared and I feel like I’m back in this position:

It’s like finding myself at a standstill. It feels like I’m back in a disposition where I’ve recently come out of a break-up and being in a point where I swore to myself not to stoop so low for love and not to even DARE fall in love. It’s those moments when I feel that my inner self wants to close its doors and try to mend itself. It seems that, that’s how my heart function nowadays: after enduring so many heartaches, it started to adapt. Instead of forgiving, I slowly start becoming harder like stone.

And yet, some part of me, strangely, still waits for my Prince Charming. I know I’ve committed to myself and in this blog not to discuss Beppe, but in times of sadness or when I feel very down, I go back to the times I’ve spent with him. Maybe a part of me is still drawn to him because he helped me release this vibrant, beautiful, and fierce persona that I’ve molded out of my insecurities and the foundation of who I am today. I felt stunning. Maybe that’s why I am still drawn to him, because he reminded me of those times when I was stronger, free-spirited, desirable; I simply felt like a goddess in his arms. He treated me like a prima donna and he made me believe in myself. For once, a guy molded me not to destroy myself with insecurities, but with a strong conviction that I am different: that I am beautiful. He made me one of his top priorities when I was dating him. There was never a day that he turned me down because he always wanted to work it all out  even if it was only 2 hours of seeing him in Panera, even if he were to dine there at lunchtime and see a glimpse of my smile. He worked 12 hours in 6 days a week, how did he do it? I don’t know. My memories with him, no matter how much angry he’ll make me, will always remain close to my heart, no matter what.

Oh God, why am I remembering him now? 

But when it comes to Ricky, it’s different. Sure, Ricky’s been my best bud and he knows me better, but why…

Why do I feel insecure, vulnerable, and a bit worthless when I’m dating him? I don’t know why I feel that way around Ricky, but recently, I’ve become more weak, emotional and I feel that my old self has awaken from its temporary abyss: I’m almost the insecure, depressed, and restrained Khristine.

Sometimes, I am struggling with Ricky because he’s my best friend and yet, he’s my boyfriend. It often crossed my mind if we were both better off as friends, that we never went down this road. But it’s hard to think of it that way now, since heightened feelings and deeper emotions have directed our friendship into where we are now.

Maybe the ultimate thing that scared me when losing Ricky is that besides his love, he’ll also take away his friendship from me. It scares me more to think that I will lose my best friend, the only one who listened to my rants patiently and who has handled my craziest breakdowns. When I think of that, it makes me wish that Ricky and I never went into a relationship. For that moment, I miss being bestest friends with no kissing, no, none of that.

I think, I’m honestly just having an emotional breakdown right now because Ricky screamed at me in the phone. He asks me to suggest things and that he’s frustrated because he doesn’t know what I want. But to be honest, I really don’t know what I want, sadly.

I don’t want to be alone,

but maybe in being alone,

I’ll find the love that I truly deserve and find what I really want.

And maybe,” to be alone” meant to start a journey.

To learn to love being alone-

To be truly satisfied with myself- alone.