Ricky asked me a question one day:
“Is it alright to meet your ex or anyone you’ve seen over a cup of coffee to catch up?”
ME: “Of course not! Why would you agree to that in the first place?”
RICKY: “You know, just to catch up, to see how things turned out for the other person.”
ME: “Well, I don’t know.”
RICKY: “I mean wouldn’t you do that? I think you’ve done that before.”
ME: “I can’t remember that I did, but I don’t think I’m not okay with coffee because it seemed like it’s a bit too ‘intimate.’
RICKY: “How is that intimate?”
ME: “Because it’s one on one. If it’s a group, where you and her are talking with the other people then I’ll be fine with it.”
RICKY: “Won’t you trust your partner not to do anything with his ex?”
ME: “Yeah… but it’s still…not good.”
From our past conversation, I sound very apprehensive about that horrid idea of Ricky catching up to his first girlfriend, Alexa or any other girl he has formerly been attracted to. I was scared that he’d find her a lot more interesting than me. But what if, that question was actually really meant for me? What if I did had the urge of catching up with one of the guys I’ve dated over a cup of coffee? Wouldn’t that make me a HUGE hypocrite? Yep, pretty much.
Mr. Nit-Picky, whom I’ve seen for a month in October ’10, wanted to “hang out” yesterday. Since we had a reunion a few months ago, which didn’t turn out great considering how it almost went down with a fight between Ricky and him, I figured I’ll pick a much safer place (without involving the use of alcohol) by choosing to meet at a coffee shop.
I felt a bit hesitant because initially, I’ll sound like a huge hypocrite to Ricky because I believed meeting up with an ex is unacceptable even over a cup of coffee. Secondly, I felt guilty meeting up with Mr. Nit-Picky when I clearly told Ricky that I’ll never want to see him again. I ended up eating all the words I’ve said to him. Those words didn’t taste good at all.
Before I met up with Mr. Nit-Picky, I’ve informed Ricky about my decision to catch up with him. I know that he didn’t like it, but he believes that he trust me well enough not to do anything outrageous. I had a strong feeling that I shouldn’t go- as the weather didn’t approved of it that day: strong winds and heavy rain made me feel reluctant to show up.
My routine earlier that day was a bit too much. It felt like I was getting ready for a first-date, which I felt quite guilty. All that time, I was thinking,
“Ugh… I’m too dressy, I don’t want to look like I’ve put too much effort, he might think I’m interested,
Why am I taking forever?! Why am I putting extra make up on? Wait, that’s good, because then he won’t like me as much.
Okay, I have to make sure that I have enough time to get there
Oh, I should wear this long V-neck shirt, because it makes me look chill, low key and effortless. Then again, I want to be more feminine. I’ll opt for a black slender dress.
OMG. I have got to stop this! I’ll be late for class!”
And what do you know, I was late for class. I hate being late for class because of dressing up. Why do I need to dress up for Mr. Nit-Picky anyways? I felt like I was cheating on Ricky. Then again, it’s not really cheating, it’s just that I wanted to be as fake to him as possible. I don’t want to reveal my true self. Only the special people get to see the real Khristine.
When the short hand pointed to 5 pm, I texted him and wondered if he’ll come since we originally planned to meet at 4:30. As it turned out, he had a huge assignment to do with his group. Originally, my excuse not to show up was somewhere along his lines. UGH… he beat me to it! I got stood up. Fudge. Well, I deserved it.
So, for real. I felt bad because I’ve put so much effort just to see a worthless person who probably preferred meeting at a bar than a coffee shop. Clearly, he wasn’t after my friendship but rather someone to fuck with. Why do I keep giving Mr. Nit-Picky a chance that we could still be only friends and not have anything else beyond that? Well… obviously, I got the answer. WE CAN NEVER BE FRIENDS!!!
Now, I’ve put myself in Ricky’s shoes which was originally mine, he may not admit it, but he probably felt apprehensive and a bit jealous that I decided to see Mr. Nit-Picky. I am ashamed that I disrespected Ricky. All I wanted was to feed my curiosity of how much Mr. Nit-Picky changed. From my experience, I don’t think he has.
Despite my disappointment, I am able to appreciate Ricky’s trust with me and he’s openness to anything I do. With that being said, I respect Ricky more than anyone else I know and I love him for that.