Loner

I’m so used to being a loner for quite some time now that I despise being in a crowd for more than an hour.

I’m so used to being a loner that when I have problems, instead of sharing it with a friend, I seclude myself in my own retreat or spill it out through WordPress.

I’m so used to being a loner that I don’t care if I lose a friend, gain a friend, lose a friend, gain a friend, etc.

I’m so used to being a loner that I became distrustful of people and their ulterior motives.

I’m so used to being a loner that I’ve closed my real self from the face of the world and only show it to those who truly know me.

I’m so used to being a loner that I appreciate my own solitude and despise people prying on my personal business.

I’m so used to being a loner that it has to be in the perfect mood and the perfect timing for me to go out.

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“FINE. WE’RE DONE.”

[Image taken]

After posting a wonderful entry about indulging on the imaginations of planning a wedding or the beauty of being in a relationship that could lead me there, somehow I think it backfired and cursed me. How can I say this. . .  Until now, I’m in utter disbelief but somehow it makes sense:

It was a Friday night, Ricky and his friends and I were drinking at a local bar. I was a bit frustrated with Ricky because he hasn’t been giving me the attention I wanted from the previous night. I have been compromising with his busy schedule but it seems that he couldn’t really compromise with his, even just for a bit.

Ricky: “Why is that you want to hang out with me when I’m busy? There’s the weekend, why can’t you just hang out with me there?”

ME: “I know you were busy. I only wanted to sleep with you that night and possibly wake up at 8am instead of 7am when your class starts at 11.”

Ricky: “I need to study. I need to wake up that early. You know I have two tests!”

ME: “I know you need to study, but why can’t you at least give me an hour of your time? I have been compromising with your schedule and you can’t even give just a little bit of effort?”

Ricky: “Well, I don’t have time compared to you who have all the time in her hands.”  Ouch.

ME: “You know what, I don’t think you have time for a girlfriend.”

Ricky: “Fine, we’re done then!”

ME: “FINE.”

Ricky: “FINE.”

Then he walks out and literally broke my heart right there on the spot. Mind you, we were both tipsy. So the next day, I had to clarify it. He wasn’t texting me and so I thought I’ll just get it all clear because at that moment, I was in denial.

ME: “So let’s be clear. Did we break up last night or we just ended the conversation?

Ricky: “Uhh it seemed like we broke up.”

ME: “You’re the one who said we are done. I’m just trying to get it straight here.”

Ricky: “I was tipsy but I still remember you saying something like “you don’t have enough time to have a girlfriend” and I took that as you wanting to break up. So I said “Fine we’re done then.” Right?

ME: “I was tipsy I can’t remember entirely that’s why I’m asking you.”

Ricky: “Well can I just come see you now so we can talk it over sober?”

ME: “I’m at the mall.”

Ricky: “Well, sh*t. You gonna be there for awhile?”

ME: “I’m with my mom and I’m driving to Clydes.”

Ricky: “Okay, well I’m about to go hang out with Zach. How about later tonight or tomorrow?

ME: “Where are you guys going?”

Ricky: “We’re gonna chill at his place for a bit first then go out somewhere. I just wanted to go out.”

ME: “Okay, have fun. I guess you don’t want to meet tonight?”

He didn’t reply.

ME: Guess not.”

Ricky: “Oh damn, I’m sorry I didn’t see that last message. Umm umm well we could meet after I get back if it’s not too late?”

ME: “I don’t think you find this as a priority to discuss. You’ll be drinking later and you will see me? Then what’s the point of discussing things? I’ve always wanted time from you and you can’t give it to me.”

Ricky: “Well I’m already here at his place, I don’t want to ditch him. I can step out and call you.”

ME: “Do you not want to see me?”

Ricky: “I would prefer that so let’s just do it tomorrow.”

Tomorrow… tomorrow. Why?! Is it because he thinks there’s always tomorrow for us? Oh, Khristine has all the time in the world to discuss things tomorrow. Oh, she’ll be available after I get drunk with my friends at 2 am. Oh, she’ll stick around. Oh, yeah, that’s Khristine because I know she’ll get back with me and won’t let me go even if I say, it’s over.

Yeah… that’s me. It’s unfortunate that Ricky had been my closest best friend. After hearing all my previous break ups, I thought he could have learned any lesson from them to handle a relationship with me. I thought… maybe he’s different, maybe he won’t break my heart because he knows me. I guess he didn’t get it and I overestimated him. And now, I’ve let all my guard down, let him in my heart only to find out, he has set it into a million pieces.

I only wanted him to make me feel like I’m one of his priorities like I’m highly valued. I want him to call me when he knows I’m upset or comes over and comforts me. I wanted him to tell Zach, “Hey dude, I know we’re suppose to hang out, but I need to talk to Khristine.” I wanted him to think that if he loses this chance of talking to me, he’ll lose me forever. I wanted him to think that… In life, things just passes you by. Time passes you by. If you don’t beat time and life, if you don’t grasp those “little” moments that could make it all better and possibly be the biggest solution, then you miss it all.

Last night, the best time to patch things up was right there – he’d give me his time. He obviously picked his own time with his own friends over me. He made me think that he’s a guy who could just think irrationally when he’s tipsy or drunk and make huge decisions like breaking up a relationship of 9 months. Nine beautiful months. That night, when I said, “I don’t think you have any time for a girlfriend,” I wanted him to say something like … “I know it seemed like I don’t, but haven’t I been with you all this time? I know we’re frustrated right now, but it doesn’t help that we have alcohol in our system so it’s best that we sleep it off and we talk about this tomorrow morning.” I wanted him to say that instead of walking out on me and breaking my heart. For once, I wanted him to chase after me and fight for us. But he didn’t. He just gave up.

So, in my disappointment, I’m not valued. It sucks because… because almost all my break ups were like this. I fall in love thinking that the guy is so important to me that I could shower all my love for him. But you know, even with a simple 30 minute cuddle or an extra hour of sleep of being with him that he can’t do, it makes me feel like it has been a one way street between us. He can pay me my food, buy me presents and give me sorry cards to make up for the time he can’t provide, but honestly, in the end… what do I do with a box of chocolates and a piece of letter when I can’t have him. I don’t need his money or his presents or whatever he offers, I only need his priceless time and his assurance that I’m not alone in this relationship.

I’ve had relationships before and I cannot afford to be belittled like this. I’ve compromised as best as I can and understood what’s going on. However, truthfully, it makes me very heart broken and sad that our relationship – almost so perfect since we bonded so well it seems like we’re a perfect couple. All our friends think we look great together and hope that we’re going to walk that aisle together someday. But when they found out that we’re done, it was as if they, too, were in denial. Some even thought I was joking, but hell… I’m far from all that.

So is there a chance for Ricky and I?

I think it’s all clear that Ricky doesn’t really have time for me or even for a girl friend and if he did, he would have said something. I don’t really know how to feel but I felt like he’s happy that I’m heart broken like this. I really thought we could have made it past 9 months. I thought he knew me not to break my heart. I hope he’s happy, because it’ll all help him in the end:

There’s no more Khristine who kept saying, “Oh my goodness, you’re studying again? I don’t feel like doing that… let’s do something else.”  He’ll have more time to study very carefully, no distractions.

There’s no more Khristine who kept on putting holes on his pocket, “Oh, I’m sorry babe, I’m so broke that I couldn’t even pay for our dinner. I’m sorry that you always have to pay for me… I feel really really bad.” He’ll finally save money to pay his own “Keytar.”

There’s no more Khristine who kept on asking for cuddle times when he’s busy, “Why?! WHY can’t you just give me 30 minutes of your time? I only wanted to cuddle!!! WHY CAN’T YOU?!”

There’s no more Khristine who will ask him to Skype even when he’s already tired from a full day of work and school, “Can we please have our Skype date tonight?! PLEASEEE” He’ll finally get some more sleep because he’ll need it to study and work the next day.

There’s no more Khristine who will take his time away from his family, “Oh gee… I bet you’re family hates that I always take your time away from them. I’m sorry…” He’ll finally get to see them every weekend and enjoy breakfast with them without thinking, oh I have to see Khristine.

There’s no more Khristine who gets frustrated with sex because he can’t do it again, “Can you at least give it to me maybe like two times? I know you’re tired, but please….” He’ll finally have enough rest to catch up on Biostatistics and ace his Chemistry tests.

There’s no more me. No distractions, no pricey girlfriend and most importantly, no one to ever bother his top priorities.

Pretty soon,

He’ll finish his bachelor’s in two years, have more time with his family, have a better way of saving up money because a girl friend wouldn’t be in his way any longer.

I hope he’s happy. He chose for his happiness and as his best friend, I hope he really… becomes very happy.

[Image taken]

Anyone please hand me a tissue? Possibly… a hug?

Nonesense.

I will not hear these:

“I cannot do it because…”

“Because I’m stupid …”

“Because I’m fat…”

“Because I’m ugly…”

“Because I’m lazy…”

“Because I don’t feel like it…”

 

“Everything repeats itself…”

“One heartache ruins everything so why try again?”

“I don’t believe in love because you’ll only get hurt.”

 

“I give up on…”

“On myself…”

“On love…”

“On hope…”

“And on trying to forget you, us, we…”

 

“I’m sick of life because…”

“Because… I’m tired of dealing with the same bullshit again and again…”

“Because no one loves me…”

“Because I don’t feel special…”

“Because I’m not  beautiful…”

 
NONESENSE!

ALL YOU SAID, THOUGHT AND EVEN FELT ARE NONESENSE!

Life is way too short for you to spare it on grieving, crying and regretting.

Start believing in yourself and change.

MOVE ON!