4: Spring Cleaning

It’s a beautiful April morning, when one will notice that the trees are either transitioning to Fall or Spring. The leaves are blooming with all sorts of colors, reminiscent of Autumn, but the cool Spring showers are nurturing them to bloom. The morning sky at 6:00 am is a cross between night and morning. It’s still dark in some parts, but the morning light is coming through the darkness. It almost looks as if it’s the afternoon transitioning into the night, but in reality, the morning sun will soon bring in its splendor. The beginning and end is always hard, but really,  life is a big continuum of pauses, replay, forward and go. There’s no stopping, only going.

There’s something new, something big and something unknown that’s about to come into Cece’s life. She doesn’t know what it is exactly, but she thinks it’s because she’s ending a chapter of her life: she’s finally going to be a Registered Nurse. Is it really the ending? Or is it only a moment to recount what she accomplished?  It looks like she’s finally starting a new slate, as if she’s had the chance to fix her mistakes from her past, but in reality, she’s going through changes that are going to have a big impact in her future. Her past has always been with Dante, always striking and always spontaneous. It always finds a way to remind her of what could have been. It was all too beautiful to let go, so she kept him close by, within reach when she’s feeling unappreciated. Then there’s her future with Richard, the perfect best friend- turned-husband, who has been her moral support ever since they were 12-years-old. She knows that in Richard’s arms, she’s safe, she’s stable and she trusts him with her heart that he will never hurt her the way Dante did. Richard is too nice, a quality she almost feels guilty of abusing, whenever Dante lingers in her mind.

One night, Cece and Richard had a petty fight in postponing their long-awaited trip to Europe. They have been planning it for three years, but since both of them are still in medical school, they didn’t have enough money. Cece was mostly the one who demanded to open another credit account to achieve what she thinks was “a once-in-a-lifetime- trip” that they will never have once they commit to their jobs.” Richard hesitated and decided to go to bed early, but Cece was in front of her computer, looking through her friends’ pictures in Facebook. She felt alone, unappreciated and jealous of her friends’ journey to different places. She felt trapped. She wishes she could travel.  “Travel where?” She asked herself. Travel to Italy. Then it struck her: she might see Dante. However, a part of her mind wants to forget Dante so she can be happy. He’s the reason why she keeps expecting a lot from Richard. It’s been nearly five years since she has seen Dante. She thought, it’s about time she let him go, the same way he let her go so easily on that dreary, cloudy October afternoon.

While she was busy looking through her friend, Evalyn’s pictures, Cece wondered, how the hell did she afford to go to Madrid, San Paulo, Bangkok and Sydney? As she was going through Evalyn’s pictures, stalking pages and pages of photos like a vulture, a message from Dante popped up at 12:20 am EST, a delayed response after she sent him a New Year’s message, four months ago:

“Ciao Cecilia, 

Come stai? I’m doing good, thank you for asking. I’m in holiday right now and I would like to share to you that I’m between New Zealand and Queensland. I don’t think we should forget the past, I think it is part of our lives and I will always be happy to remember you and the time we shared. How are things going with Richard? How is everything else? How’s your nursing courses? Aren’t you almost done?”

Cece re-read the message for the 20th time and was finally satisfied with what his letter meant. Actually, she felt offended, downright angry at him:

Is he mocking me? So, he’s in New Zealand and Australia now? Awesome. Guess where I am? I’m in Virginia, the same place where he eft me, stuck with books and school obligations. Past? Does he know how much I long to forget him? Why am I friends with him anyways? I am sooo sick of sounding like an obsessed b*tch while he’s out there enjoying his sweet time with Stella. Why should I keep him as my priority? He wants to be friends? I am DONE.

Cece’s emotions were mixed with anger, despair, neediness and hatred towards Dante. She knew she wants everything to end. She was ready to put her past with Dante away for good. She finally began typing what seemed to be a long, honest letter that she hopes Dante will read, not in the next months, but the next day:

Dear Dante, 

I think I need to enlighten you about a secret that I’ve been keeping for so many years. Don’t take this offensively, but I believe it’s time I pour every truth about you and I. No sugar coating this time. I need to go straight to the point. I have an issue for quite some time now, actually it has been happening for years and I tried telling it to you before, but I have been stopping myself for 5 whole years.

Honestly, I struggled to move on ever since you left that October afternoon for New York, then eventually to Italy. I have never forgotten that moment. To this day, I carry that close to my heart. You might have thought I moved on so quickly from you: I went straight into dating other guys, a month after you left. I tried every effort to erase you in my memory and in my heart because ending things with you was too painful to bear. I dated guys just to forget you but I couldn’t. It’s hard to forget you.

That night you came back to the States, to meet me at the Lebanese Tavern, I was excited to see you. I was on the way actually, I was a street away, but I turned my car around when I found out you were with Stella, your new girlfriend that I didn’t know about. I loved you still that I decided to let you go because I know you were already happy with her. I was hurt that you’ve found her, but I had to let you go. Since then, to this day I have been regretting that moment that I didn’t see you. It might actually be the last moment I finally get to see you. But I shouldn’t regret it. I like that part when you left for New York and I was your girl. I’d rather remember that as the last time I ever saw you.

Listen, I know it’s easier for you to say that we shouldn’t forget things between us, that everything in the past happened for a reason because it has brought us here- today at this moment. It’s been hard for me to remember you and to try and have that same summer again. I still miss you. I still love you. It’s been 5 years and I feel that I’m the only one still holding on to us. You see, we never had a closure for us. I wish we did so that I can move on too. I don’t ask that you leave Stella, no, that’s not my intention. I think that the best thing we can both do, so that you can help me move on, is to cut all communication between us. I love you so much that I want you to be happy with Stella. I don’t want to destroy what you two have and I want to let you go. I think it’s time for me to move on and grow up from that past. I want to stop hoping that you and I will have another chance. That summer was beautiful when you came into my life, I was just moving on from a break up and you saved me. 

Now that there’s a new summer that’s about to start and that I’m about to begin a new chapter in my life, I want things differently, which does not include anything between us anymore. I know I sound rude and that you might hate me, but I think this is the best option for you and I.

Let’s end it all here. Please understand…

Thank you for the past, for that summer that made me grow up and become a stronger person that I am today.

Thank you.

Arrivederci, 

Cece. 

Her spring cleaning has begun.

Cece Dominguez unfriended Dante de Bella.

change starts with you

I think one great tip is that you should always love yourself. If you don’t love yourself, take care of yourself, cater to yourself and that little inner voice, you will really not be very worthy of being with someone else, because you won’t be the best version of you.

– Kimora Lee Simmons

I want to change so bad. I hate feeling depress, insecure and soulless.

I want to be the best Khristine that I can be.

It’s been a long time since I’ve paid much attention to me. I have been worrying about my school requirements, my future career path, friends I wish I have, and my relationship with Ricky. It’s been awhile since I’ve pampered myself. It’s been ages since I’ve painted my nails, put on make-up and worked- out.

I’ve had a long-term battle with loving myself. Some days I hate myself, some days I truly adore being me.

But I really want to establish a long-term relationship with me without feeling like I am my own enemy.

The biggest change I want to accomplish is to stop being so insecure and for doubting myself.

I believe in myself. 

I believe that I am beautiful in my own way.

I accept that I’m not a 10/ 10 who’s meant to be a superstar or a model. I am a 10/10 because that’s the rating I give to myself.

I accept my imperfections and I am human. However, that doesn’t mean I can’t be different and that I can’t be the best that I can be. I’m going to be a new-me, only I’ll be the better version. I’m going to fill the next pages of my blog with so much light, so much laughter and so much love! 

Changes

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Five days ago, WordPress has notified me that my blog turned three. My blog is a toddler and I haven’t been blogging as much as I used to (or ever!). I almost forgot that this blog existed and if it weren’t for my blog- bff, Fawn, I would have probably never logged in anymore.

I’m kidding! Of course I would never forget this blog despite the fact that I’ve made two other blogs. I’m such a traitor! Hah~

I haven’t been active in the blog-o-sphere recently because BIGGER and BETTER things has occupied my time- not that I’m implying that my blog is no longer of any interest to me. It’s just that, somehow, I’ve been occupied with such great news.

Firstly, I have been accepted to one of the most competitive nursing schools in my region. I couldn’t believe that I’ve made it into the RN program where so many have tried and dreamed so hard to get into. They have only accepted 34 students in my program, including me, and I feel very very honored!

Despite the fact that I’ve been accepted, I had to complete the other important requirements that are due by the 12th of August. So, as you can tell, I have been really busy in completing my immunizations, liability insurance, attending orientations and so forth. It has gotten so stressful that I almost missed my period for an entire month. I thought I was pregnant from all that monkey-business with Ricky and I’s one-week vacation in Cali and Vegas. Luckily, last Wednesday, the last day of July and dad’s birthday (ironically), my period came and I’m NOT pregnant!

In the flip side…

So many things has happened for the last months when I haven’t been blogging. I’ve stopped running and I’ve gained a few pounds where I’m currently standing at 140 lbs (BMI: Overweight). My insecurity has doubled and I’ve completely ditched my [immature] friends – leaving me with Ricky (it’s not my fault that I matured faster than any of them). Lastly, I have been putting my free time into socializing in a “metaworld” where I’m interacting with avatars. I have been inactive in my real life socially and I am planning on changing that as soon as I start school.

I have huge expectations in going back to school. I hope that I would gain as many friends as I could, but when I’ve attended my orientations, most of the people in my program are… well, older. Some have kids, married, in their middle-age and some are even as old as my mom (she’s 56!). I don’t think I’ll be able to make friends, because I couldn’t relate to any of them. This is probably why it’s hard for me to find girl-friends because it’s either I’m too young or that my mindset is too mature. I’ll just try to join the honor society or some school club if I have enough time. Maybe I’ll ditch the idea of working part-time. Oh whatever. I’m excited!

Finally, I’ve been wanting to start a new blog which is solely for fitness and working out. I want to go back into running again and actually aim to be really fit and toned. I want to start another blog, but it seems that I am tired of making new ones. Maybe, this blog should house all that fitness updates. After all, it’s already three-years-old and this blog could use a change. Maybe I’ll stick with adding fitness updates and still stick into adding my other musings about my personal life.

Oh well… we’ll see.

Day 38: What are you doing?

“What are you doing?” 

That’s the question I’ve been asking myself lately. What am I doing?! Why am I being all depressed when this blog is entitled  “iLoveMe.” Obviously, it shouldn’t be about how depressing my life is or how I’m going downhill. It should be about… well trying to discover ways that I could fall in love with myself or make myself happy!

OMG.

So for the past few days, I’ve realized that reading my blog is treacherous and mood-killing. Even I hate reading my latest posts.

 

SO… I’ve decided to turn things around and hopefully, I stick to this plan.

 

I have a love-hate relationship with working out and I figured that I think it would be better if I post my progress here. That way, I would be more motivated to actually work-out and lose 15 lbs since I’m 135 lbs with a height of 5’2: THAT WEIGHT IS BAD.

 

Wish me luck and hopefully, you’ll stay tuned! 😀  

Day 37: Take it as it is.

When life gives you lemons, squeeze it.

That’s what I did today.

I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel sorry for myself, I felt that life has given me another chance and I took it.

Today, I had a great time with a new friend, Isabelle, whom I’ve met through my parent’s get-together parties with their friends every Saturday. We had lunch and although, she’s only 18 and I’m 23, we had a pretty good discussion about life. Honestly, she’s the only friend I’d consider right now and I’m hoping that we’ll get along pretty well. I know the age thing is a bit off, but I think she’s what I need right now.

I’m hoping that we’ll hang out again.

Day 34: Meet my new friend

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The question I’ve been asking myself lately:

Why do I waste my time for people who don’t value my effort to get in touch with them?

Why should I pursue them to fill the ‘void’ of emptiness inside me?

Do I really need friends?”

Indeed, “No man is an island.” However, it is possible that you can be your own man in your own island. Besides, at the end of the day, who can solve all your problems? Sure, you look for guidance in God or for what religion you believe in, but who fixes it all in the end? You, not your parents, not your friends, no one else, but you.

You are your own hero. Do we have to wait for someone to motivate us to change? Do we need to find someone to fill that void we feel inside? Do we have to be around people to make us happy? Of course not! Change should start within us. Hope should blossom in ourselves. We should find happiness in ourselves because it’s permanent and it’s stable.

All of this that I have mentioned, came to me in one, quick blow while I was showering this morning. It felt like it was a revelation initiated by an invisible baseball bat that made me break from what I previously believed in: I need friends because they make me happy. In that moment, in the shower, I felt like I was indeed all on my own:

I am my own best friend,

I am my own hero,

It’s me against the world.

Although, you might think I’m skeptical and distrustful of people, you’re wrong. I know there is good in people, but I can’t rely on anyone to be in their good side all the time. I can’t rely on anyone to be by my side when the tides of darkness suddenly comes hurling in my life. I need to stand – fully armed and head strong – when things get rough. If someone is next to me, then I’ll be happy, but I won’t require an army of ‘nobody’ to stand there with me, because it only takes one person to finish it. It’s my problem, it’s my life and it’s all mine.

Before I end this post, I want to make an oath to myself:

I, Khristine, promises myself that I am perfectly happy with or without any friends. I am fully accepting that I cannot convince everybody to be my friend. I am no longer seeking for people to fill the empty void inside me. I take full responsibility in providing love, security, happiness and hope for myself. Finally, I am going to accept my imperfections for being an insufficient friend to some and start establishing friendship with myself even if it takes a thousand million tries.

This is the beginning of a new friendship with me 😀

Day 32: Green light.

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Earlier this evening, Ricky and I had another argument again.

I blamed him for being boring and for being too busy. I blamed him for not being spontaneous  enough and for being too predictable. I blamed him for being too boring because he’s studying a lot, so that he can finish school and have a future. I blamed his predictability for his hectic career. I blamed him for not having enough time for me. I blamed him for making me rely on Rover, a guy friend, to fill the “boy friend time” that I should be spending with Ricky. I blamed him for making me feel bored in our relationship.

Earlier, when I was clouded in my own misery, I didn’t realize that Ricky doesn’t feel bored in our relationship. He feels uneasy, inadequate but not bored (not that I know of). In my realization, his life, despite hectic and busy, is a lot more challenging and filled with more important things to do. His life is the complete opposite of what I have. I don’t have a hectic schedule and I don’t have deadlines to stress about. I’m a so-called bum, waiting for my “go-signal” to come. I’m the one who’s bored and I’m the one who’s boring. I hate that I blame my boredom to Ricky when it’s me who has the problem.

Lately, I’ve tried to make myself happy. My self-esteem has gotten better. I feel beautiful, yet I feel sad. My depression has gotten worse. I can’t sleep at night. I think a lot. I literally have to wait for the clock to strike to 5 am in order to sleep or I succumb to Nyquil to help me. I don’t know what’s making me more depressed: my life or being surrounded by problematic people. Recently, I’ve been hanging out with people who are having problems with their love life and it’s taking a toll on me. I over think their problems and I try to see their perspective beyond what they can see. I try so hard to help them by listening but I’ve only made things worse for me: I become their “shock-absorber.”

Truly, I am a wallflower and I am slowly getting sucked into my own endless thoughts and it’s eating me alive. Running doesn’t help much. I like to think that I run and sweat, but I don’t know if I’m really losing weight. I could care less if I lose weight since I know my physical health is okay. However, my mental health has been a little unhealthy. I’ve been depressed, I see shadows moving bigger- as if they are closing in on me. I’ve thought about hanging myself and ending it all and yet, I’m scared to do it, because I still believe that I have a “half full” cup of hope. Also, I am very fake. I put this facade that I’m very happy, but deep down inside, I’m hanging on a single thread and I’m about to fall down into a pit of dark, melancholic abyss. No one knows how miserable I am, except Ricky.

Florence Welch’s “Over the Love” made me stronger.

I feel miserable, but somehow, there is still a small torch of hope- flickering inside me. A “green light” as F. Scott Fitzgerald defined it in his novel, The Great Gatsby: “a single green light, minute and faraway.” These are the moments when I need to keep that torch burning brighter and stronger. I have to sustain my own hope inside me because it’s what keeps me going. I know that I’m in a complete turmoil right now, but I know that all things will work out fine. I truly know this.