I have been depressed for the past few days and I think yesterday’s post revealed that I was in my lowest point. Miraculously, somehow, I woke up today with a bit more optimistic look in my life and it seemed as if I literally woke up from a nightmare.
Last night, my dream revealed my deepest fear -something I have been hiding for quite some time now. I thought I’ve locked it somewhere safe, but apparently, it managed to sneak out. My deepest fear- which I think is utterly ugly- is the thought that Ricky might cheat on me. I dreamt of him as someone who resembled my first ex-boyfriend, Dave. It was as if Ricky and Dave was battling to be someone in my dream: Ricky’s calm persona switching to the douche-know-it-all Dave, all at the same time. Although, I knew that I was talking to Ricky because I remember asking who he was talking to and I immediately speculated that he was lying based on his nervous response “It’s nothing. It’s just… Zach, I…um I gotta take this outside.” Immediately, I saw a copy of his phone (I was dreaming!) blinking next to me because a text message arrived. I saw the contacts in his phone- each with an alias name- something that he has done to all his contacts in real life: He calls me “Crazy Bitch” instead of Khristine and “Big Poppa” instead of Zach. Well, in my dream, I saw different names and pet names of people. I wanted to open all his messages so bad, but his phone immediately locked itself. I began to wonder, “He never locked his phone and now he does.” This thought motivated me to speculate on Ricky. I tried opening his phone with my own code, but it didn’t open. I decided to catch Ricky’s act of cheating by waiting for another text message to arrive, so that the phone will unlock itself again, thereby allowing me to read everything. Unfortunately, in my dismay, I woke up- very nervous.
However, there was a small pause, almost like a porthole to reality that led me to believe that I was dreaming. I felt like I was in heaven, among the clouds and I was about to enter reality when it happened- I was repeating what I said from my previous blog post: ““I feel so ugly” and “I hate myself… why do I have to be like this.” Somehow, in that moment, (which I would coin as lucid dreaming) I wanted to make myself realize how my insecurities are starting to take a toll in my life. My insecurity of feeling worthless has led me to question my trust with Ricky. I recognize the same insecurities I had when I was dating Dave. Dave cheated on me with a girl whom he thinks was better than me, because I was insecure with myself, which he found undesirable. Subconsciously, my mind was trying to open my eyes by leading me into a nightmare- it was making me feel that same heart-wrenching poison of finding out that I’ve been cheated on. Despite the crazy dream, I realized that if I continue being insecure and being depressed, my insecurities might repeat history.
And so… I woke up and I was further slapped by an interview I’ve watched in Access Hollywood with Carol Burnett. She quoted her deceased daughter who died of cancer:
“One day, the nurse asked her [Burnett’s daughter], ‘Why are you so happy all the time despite all that has happened to you?”
“Every time I wake up, I decided to love myself,” responded Burnett’s daughter.
It was right there and then that hit me in the face. That girl died of cancer, yet she loved every bit of herself. She had so much optimism, despite the drugs and all that she has done in the past. I looked at myself and I felt ashamed for letting myself down too much.
She was dying of cancer and I bet the chemo was turning her physically different, but she still loved every bit of herself. That’s true love right there.
I believe that insecurity is the ugliest thing that can make a girl undesirable. Forget not wearing make-up. Real beauty is found in the inside and if a girl does not realize her own worth and her own unique beauty, then a man will never hold on to her. He would rather be with a girl who doesn’t wear make-up but she is content in her own skin and she is happy with her life whether it’s shitty or not. I want to respect myself and forgive myself for all the things I lack. I’m not perfect and I accept that. I want to be contented with what I have and make the most out of it. I believe that my life is beautiful and that I am truly blessed to have a chance to live and try again. I didn’t know how my mind saved me, but it triggered me to do something with my life. I know I’ll be depressed again, but hopefully I can go back to this moment and come out even stronger.