2: Don’t let him get you.

She dreamt of him last night again. This time, her dream was more vivid and longer than she ever had of him. She confronted him and poured all her stored anger on him. She felt her heart beat fast, making it difficult for her to breathe. She felt her blood burning in her veins, racing towards her cheeks and drowning her in heat. He approached her with his new girlfriend, Stella.

Her anger was rising, she couldn’t keep it anymore. She finally confronted him:

“Why did you leave? Why can’t you just leave me alone? After five years, after leaving me, look at me, I’m still crying over you. I can’t get you out of my mind. I still love you.”

He cried and said, “I know piccola. I miss you too. I want you back.”

The dream was so real, she didn’t want to leave. As soon as she told herself that she didn’t want to wake up because she knew it was only a dream, reality finally woke her up. She felt her heart racing and hoping that He was still in front of her, asking her to come back.

It was 2:30 am and she tried to doze off, but he was still in her mind. She tried to remember what her friend, Mandy, told her,

“Don’t let him get you. Every time you let him into your mind, your obsession of what he looks like or how he treated you, will forever trap you in that idealistic limbo. I know you’re hoping he’ll come back, but let’s face it honey, it’s been five years. Plus, you’re married. You’re married to Richard. You don’t want to be an obsessed b*tch.”

She looked away from the ceiling and saw Richard, sleeping peacefully next to her. She removed the sheets that separated him from her. She moved closer to him and found a spot on his warm chest. Richard unconsciously opened his arms to let her head rest on his chest. She watched him take several breaths and wondered what he could be dreaming. Cece felt a pang of guilt and tried her hardest to brush it all off by closing her eyes, but despite her effort, she hoped to dream of Him again.

Day 5: For once, my heart speaks.

When Ricky and I fight or when we’re not in good terms, a part of me feels scared.

I feel very scared and I feel like I’m back in this position:

It’s like finding myself at a standstill. It feels like I’m back in a disposition where I’ve recently come out of a break-up and being in a point where I swore to myself not to stoop so low for love and not to even DARE fall in love. It’s those moments when I feel that my inner self wants to close its doors and try to mend itself. It seems that, that’s how my heart function nowadays: after enduring so many heartaches, it started to adapt. Instead of forgiving, I slowly start becoming harder like stone.

And yet, some part of me, strangely, still waits for my Prince Charming. I know I’ve committed to myself and in this blog not to discuss Beppe, but in times of sadness or when I feel very down, I go back to the times I’ve spent with him. Maybe a part of me is still drawn to him because he helped me release this vibrant, beautiful, and fierce persona that I’ve molded out of my insecurities and the foundation of who I am today. I felt stunning. Maybe that’s why I am still drawn to him, because he reminded me of those times when I was stronger, free-spirited, desirable; I simply felt like a goddess in his arms. He treated me like a prima donna and he made me believe in myself. For once, a guy molded me not to destroy myself with insecurities, but with a strong conviction that I am different: that I am beautiful. He made me one of his top priorities when I was dating him. There was never a day that he turned me down because he always wanted to work it all out  even if it was only 2 hours of seeing him in Panera, even if he were to dine there at lunchtime and see a glimpse of my smile. He worked 12 hours in 6 days a week, how did he do it? I don’t know. My memories with him, no matter how much angry he’ll make me, will always remain close to my heart, no matter what.

Oh God, why am I remembering him now? 

But when it comes to Ricky, it’s different. Sure, Ricky’s been my best bud and he knows me better, but why…

Why do I feel insecure, vulnerable, and a bit worthless when I’m dating him? I don’t know why I feel that way around Ricky, but recently, I’ve become more weak, emotional and I feel that my old self has awaken from its temporary abyss: I’m almost the insecure, depressed, and restrained Khristine.

Sometimes, I am struggling with Ricky because he’s my best friend and yet, he’s my boyfriend. It often crossed my mind if we were both better off as friends, that we never went down this road. But it’s hard to think of it that way now, since heightened feelings and deeper emotions have directed our friendship into where we are now.

Maybe the ultimate thing that scared me when losing Ricky is that besides his love, he’ll also take away his friendship from me. It scares me more to think that I will lose my best friend, the only one who listened to my rants patiently and who has handled my craziest breakdowns. When I think of that, it makes me wish that Ricky and I never went into a relationship. For that moment, I miss being bestest friends with no kissing, no, none of that.

I think, I’m honestly just having an emotional breakdown right now because Ricky screamed at me in the phone. He asks me to suggest things and that he’s frustrated because he doesn’t know what I want. But to be honest, I really don’t know what I want, sadly.

I don’t want to be alone,

but maybe in being alone,

I’ll find the love that I truly deserve and find what I really want.

And maybe,” to be alone” meant to start a journey.

To learn to love being alone-

To be truly satisfied with myself- alone.

I’m sorry.

Dearest Dimitry,

I’m sorry, but I can no longer hold on.

We have to break up because I can’t seem to have my head and heart agree to one thing.

My mind wants to stay with you but my heart is somewhere else. My mind tells me that you can take care of me, but my heart tells me that you can’t own it.

My mind wants me to be with you but my heart won’t beat for you.

I’m very sorry.

I know you love me and I know that you’ve tried your hardest.

But no matter what I do or no matter how my mind wants me to think of you,

My heart is always somewhere else.

I might regret breaking up with you down the road,

But I have to free myself for now…

Because I need to find out something.

I don’t know what it is, but I just need to breakaway from you.

I’m very very sorry…

For all the heartaches I’ve given you.

For the drama that I have started with you.

For all the misery I have inflicted upon you.

Please forgive me.

 

“You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love.”

— Nicholas Sparks