4: Spring Cleaning

It’s a beautiful April morning, when one will notice that the trees are either transitioning to Fall or Spring. The leaves are blooming with all sorts of colors, reminiscent of Autumn, but the cool Spring showers are nurturing them to bloom. The morning sky at 6:00 am is a cross between night and morning. It’s still dark in some parts, but the morning light is coming through the darkness. It almost looks as if it’s the afternoon transitioning into the night, but in reality, the morning sun will soon bring in its splendor. The beginning and end is always hard, but really,  life is a big continuum of pauses, replay, forward and go. There’s no stopping, only going.

There’s something new, something big and something unknown that’s about to come into Cece’s life. She doesn’t know what it is exactly, but she thinks it’s because she’s ending a chapter of her life: she’s finally going to be a Registered Nurse. Is it really the ending? Or is it only a moment to recount what she accomplished?  It looks like she’s finally starting a new slate, as if she’s had the chance to fix her mistakes from her past, but in reality, she’s going through changes that are going to have a big impact in her future. Her past has always been with Dante, always striking and always spontaneous. It always finds a way to remind her of what could have been. It was all too beautiful to let go, so she kept him close by, within reach when she’s feeling unappreciated. Then there’s her future with Richard, the perfect best friend- turned-husband, who has been her moral support ever since they were 12-years-old. She knows that in Richard’s arms, she’s safe, she’s stable and she trusts him with her heart that he will never hurt her the way Dante did. Richard is too nice, a quality she almost feels guilty of abusing, whenever Dante lingers in her mind.

One night, Cece and Richard had a petty fight in postponing their long-awaited trip to Europe. They have been planning it for three years, but since both of them are still in medical school, they didn’t have enough money. Cece was mostly the one who demanded to open another credit account to achieve what she thinks was “a once-in-a-lifetime- trip” that they will never have once they commit to their jobs.” Richard hesitated and decided to go to bed early, but Cece was in front of her computer, looking through her friends’ pictures in Facebook. She felt alone, unappreciated and jealous of her friends’ journey to different places. She felt trapped. She wishes she could travel.  “Travel where?” She asked herself. Travel to Italy. Then it struck her: she might see Dante. However, a part of her mind wants to forget Dante so she can be happy. He’s the reason why she keeps expecting a lot from Richard. It’s been nearly five years since she has seen Dante. She thought, it’s about time she let him go, the same way he let her go so easily on that dreary, cloudy October afternoon.

While she was busy looking through her friend, Evalyn’s pictures, Cece wondered, how the hell did she afford to go to Madrid, San Paulo, Bangkok and Sydney? As she was going through Evalyn’s pictures, stalking pages and pages of photos like a vulture, a message from Dante popped up at 12:20 am EST, a delayed response after she sent him a New Year’s message, four months ago:

“Ciao Cecilia, 

Come stai? I’m doing good, thank you for asking. I’m in holiday right now and I would like to share to you that I’m between New Zealand and Queensland. I don’t think we should forget the past, I think it is part of our lives and I will always be happy to remember you and the time we shared. How are things going with Richard? How is everything else? How’s your nursing courses? Aren’t you almost done?”

Cece re-read the message for the 20th time and was finally satisfied with what his letter meant. Actually, she felt offended, downright angry at him:

Is he mocking me? So, he’s in New Zealand and Australia now? Awesome. Guess where I am? I’m in Virginia, the same place where he eft me, stuck with books and school obligations. Past? Does he know how much I long to forget him? Why am I friends with him anyways? I am sooo sick of sounding like an obsessed b*tch while he’s out there enjoying his sweet time with Stella. Why should I keep him as my priority? He wants to be friends? I am DONE.

Cece’s emotions were mixed with anger, despair, neediness and hatred towards Dante. She knew she wants everything to end. She was ready to put her past with Dante away for good. She finally began typing what seemed to be a long, honest letter that she hopes Dante will read, not in the next months, but the next day:

Dear Dante, 

I think I need to enlighten you about a secret that I’ve been keeping for so many years. Don’t take this offensively, but I believe it’s time I pour every truth about you and I. No sugar coating this time. I need to go straight to the point. I have an issue for quite some time now, actually it has been happening for years and I tried telling it to you before, but I have been stopping myself for 5 whole years.

Honestly, I struggled to move on ever since you left that October afternoon for New York, then eventually to Italy. I have never forgotten that moment. To this day, I carry that close to my heart. You might have thought I moved on so quickly from you: I went straight into dating other guys, a month after you left. I tried every effort to erase you in my memory and in my heart because ending things with you was too painful to bear. I dated guys just to forget you but I couldn’t. It’s hard to forget you.

That night you came back to the States, to meet me at the Lebanese Tavern, I was excited to see you. I was on the way actually, I was a street away, but I turned my car around when I found out you were with Stella, your new girlfriend that I didn’t know about. I loved you still that I decided to let you go because I know you were already happy with her. I was hurt that you’ve found her, but I had to let you go. Since then, to this day I have been regretting that moment that I didn’t see you. It might actually be the last moment I finally get to see you. But I shouldn’t regret it. I like that part when you left for New York and I was your girl. I’d rather remember that as the last time I ever saw you.

Listen, I know it’s easier for you to say that we shouldn’t forget things between us, that everything in the past happened for a reason because it has brought us here- today at this moment. It’s been hard for me to remember you and to try and have that same summer again. I still miss you. I still love you. It’s been 5 years and I feel that I’m the only one still holding on to us. You see, we never had a closure for us. I wish we did so that I can move on too. I don’t ask that you leave Stella, no, that’s not my intention. I think that the best thing we can both do, so that you can help me move on, is to cut all communication between us. I love you so much that I want you to be happy with Stella. I don’t want to destroy what you two have and I want to let you go. I think it’s time for me to move on and grow up from that past. I want to stop hoping that you and I will have another chance. That summer was beautiful when you came into my life, I was just moving on from a break up and you saved me. 

Now that there’s a new summer that’s about to start and that I’m about to begin a new chapter in my life, I want things differently, which does not include anything between us anymore. I know I sound rude and that you might hate me, but I think this is the best option for you and I.

Let’s end it all here. Please understand…

Thank you for the past, for that summer that made me grow up and become a stronger person that I am today.

Thank you.

Arrivederci, 

Cece. 

Her spring cleaning has begun.

Cece Dominguez unfriended Dante de Bella.

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3: “He”

He, Dante, the so-called, Italian heartthrob was the pompous new boy in the block. He was desirable, down-to-earth and the most admired, cool guy in class. He had a charm that was so effortless, so macho, it seemed like he was born with it. Everyone enjoyed his company, including guys who wanted to be his friend because he was so cool, funny and loyal. Every girl in class competed eagerly for his attention and to get a glimpse of his suave smile. He knew how to talk to girls. He was a proud Italian-born, risk-taker who ventured into the United States to experience how it was like to be in college with people who are in his age. At least that’s how he saw it.

The real story was, his father, Mariano de Bella, sent him to the States to pursue a medical degree. Mariano wanted his son, Dante, to follow his footsteps in becoming a doctor. He believed that Dante will one day inherit his practice and he won’t worry about another outsider ruling over the family business. He believed that Dante was capable of becoming a doctor and will one day make him proud. Mariano didn’t know that Dante was eager to come to the United States, not to fulfill his father’s wishes, but to have the freedom of finally take full control of his life. What Dante didn’t know is that the choices he’ll make in his life, from the day he boarded that plane to Washington D.C., will someday not only affect him, but those people he has yet to meet.

On a Saturday night in the last days of December, Mariano accompanied Dante in Bologna Guglielmo Marconi [International] Airport, to bid him goodbye.

Mariano: I hope that you become the man I expect you to be. My son, you’ll realize that I am pushing you to become successful because I want the best for you. You may not realize it now, but someday you will. You are my only son, the fruit of all my joy and hard work. Ti amo mio figlio.

Dante: Papà, I understand. Thank you for giving me this opportunity and for trusting me. I will not disappoint you.

Mariano: If your mamma was here with us, I’m sure she’s very proud to see you become a man who takes responsibility of his future.

Clara de Bella, Dante’s mother, disappeared in a plane crash on the way to London when he was only 7- years- old. Clara was a famous Italian violinist, who was going to perform with the London Philharmonic Orchestra in the Royal Festival Hall for a Spring performance.  On the day when Clara was about to board the plane for London, Dante remembered her emerald silk scarf, that hung so beautifully on her slim, long neck. She stood out among the crowd in the airport because of her radiant smile that reflected on her scarf. Dante vividly remembered his mother lending him the silk scarf that she was wearing. She said, “I’ll lend you this scarf and I hope it’ll keep you warm and happy while I’m gone.” Little did they know, that was the last day that they ever saw each other again.

The 12- hour trip from Bologna, Italy to Washington D.C. was very uneasy to Dante. He didn’t know if he was going to have the same fate as his mother: dying from a plane crash. He couldn’t sleep because he was afraid that the plane was going to crash any moment. A slight turbulence disrupted him and almost always, brought him to the edge of his seat. In the last 4 hours of his flight, his body grew tired and he finally let his inhibitions go. He fell asleep so peacefully as if he was floating among the clouds, far far away from Mariano’s reach and far away from the comfort of his home.

When the pilot’s voice broke the slumbering silence of the passengers in the plane, the sun was slowly peaking through the wintery dark sky and shining light to the welcoming sight of the Washington Monument. The pilot announced joyfully, “Our arrival to Washington D.C. is on time. The time is now 6:00 am Eastern Standard Time. The temperature is 40 degrees fahrenheit, high 47 today. In behalf of Lufthansa Airlines, welcome to the United States of America and welcome back to those who are finally home.” Dante arose from his sleep, feeling refreshed, and ready to brave his unknown journey to a whole new world.

2: Don’t let him get you.

She dreamt of him last night again. This time, her dream was more vivid and longer than she ever had of him. She confronted him and poured all her stored anger on him. She felt her heart beat fast, making it difficult for her to breathe. She felt her blood burning in her veins, racing towards her cheeks and drowning her in heat. He approached her with his new girlfriend, Stella.

Her anger was rising, she couldn’t keep it anymore. She finally confronted him:

“Why did you leave? Why can’t you just leave me alone? After five years, after leaving me, look at me, I’m still crying over you. I can’t get you out of my mind. I still love you.”

He cried and said, “I know piccola. I miss you too. I want you back.”

The dream was so real, she didn’t want to leave. As soon as she told herself that she didn’t want to wake up because she knew it was only a dream, reality finally woke her up. She felt her heart racing and hoping that He was still in front of her, asking her to come back.

It was 2:30 am and she tried to doze off, but he was still in her mind. She tried to remember what her friend, Mandy, told her,

“Don’t let him get you. Every time you let him into your mind, your obsession of what he looks like or how he treated you, will forever trap you in that idealistic limbo. I know you’re hoping he’ll come back, but let’s face it honey, it’s been five years. Plus, you’re married. You’re married to Richard. You don’t want to be an obsessed b*tch.”

She looked away from the ceiling and saw Richard, sleeping peacefully next to her. She removed the sheets that separated him from her. She moved closer to him and found a spot on his warm chest. Richard unconsciously opened his arms to let her head rest on his chest. She watched him take several breaths and wondered what he could be dreaming. Cece felt a pang of guilt and tried her hardest to brush it all off by closing her eyes, but despite her effort, she hoped to dream of Him again.

Trust cannot be healed overnight.

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One thing I’ve learned from dating and from being in relationships where there’s constant breakup and makeup is:

People don’t change overnight, particularly someone who has cheated. If you give someone a chance instantly with no amount of handwork to earn that one, last opportunity, chances are, he or she will cheat AGAIN. Why? Because that someone has grown accustomed to how you work things. They’re like bacteria that gets immune to antibiotics. If you keep on forgiving so EASILY, then you’ll let them predict you, know your flaws and how to get around you every time they screwed up.

I’ve noticed that with Ricky. I’ve told him things that bugged me and things that we needed to work on. I’ve gone to the point where I’ve threatened to leave him because he wasn’t changing. At first, he truly took things seriously and put the effort and remained constant, but eventually, he thought that I’ll always leave him because I say things that I don’t mean, so he always said “Okay” when I told him I’d break up with him. And he knew, the next day, I’d change my mind or he would go and put an effort in leaving me notes and romantic stuff, until he goes back to being the same: completely comfortable in his own shell.

People don’t change overnight.

When I got out of class today, I found a packet that was sitting on my windshield. Ricky drove all the way to my school and placed it there. In it was a two-page letter telling me how much he wants me back and he even made me a song and recorded it in a CD. He sang about how he screwed up and he asks me to give him a chance to “pick up the broken pieces.”

Aww, how sweet, but I’m NOT convinced.

You CANNOT earn someone’s trust overnight and you most definitely CANNOT CHANGE overnight. You may have the intention to change overnight, but to prove that you’ve changed will take time, meaning months and even years. I truly don’t care if Ricky has to wait that long for me to forgive and trust him again. If he can’t, well he’s not for me. If he claims that he wants to be that guy who deserves me, then he better prove it because I’m not changing my mind any time soon.

Everything he did to me: lied to me behind my back, lied in front of my face twice, and had the guts to have sex with women WILL NOT DISSIPATE OVERNIGHT. As a matter of fact, I cannot forget the image of him getting naked in front of the cam and telling a woman:

“I want to f*ck you so bad, my cam is open… you like doggystyle baby? 

“You’re incredible… maybe we can Skype sometime? 

“I think what everybody here looks for [is a] good looking girl and [a] good conversation….”

And in the letter he sent to me today, he said, “I assure you again that I never did it [live webchat] because I was unhappy with you in any way.” Oh yeah?! Then why was he in those chat rooms looking for “good looking girl[s] and good conversation?” Isn’t he better off finding girls to bang? Furthermore, he says, “It was just a perverted and wrongful way to pleasure myself.” REALLY?! I have no problem with him being perverted and watching the good ol’ porn, but why didn’t he let out all of his pervertion and his libido out on me? Because we’re both busy? I absolutely don’t think that’s a good reason. He lives 10 minutes away from me, according to him, that was one of the reasons why I should date him in the first place. I’m not going to let all of this pass so easily.

What hurts more is I love him so much and miss being in his arms, but a side of my brain automatically turns on my emotional -defense mechanism. My mind constantly reminds me the awful sex chat I’ve read with apparently, one of the woman he constantly had sexual interactions with:

Woman: hi my sexy man

Woman: miss you

Woman: mmmm you so hot always

Ricky: hey there

Ricky: it’s been awhile

Ricky: love to see your sexy self again

Woman: mmmm

Woman: you make me horny

Woman: want you

Ricky: i can’t do pvt (private message) tonight

Ricky: is tip okay?

Woman: oki love

Woman: maybe Skype?

Woman: come to me my hot man

Woman: you make my nipples hard

Woman: want see?

Ricky: maybe I can see you naked here in public

Ricky: hell yes!

Woman: I will do it for boobs

Ricky: That’s perfect!

Ricky: I want you so bad

Woman: I want you

Ricky: Your smile drives me crazy

Woman: mmmmmmmmmm you make me crazy too

Ricky: wish you could ride me

Ricky: i’m so hard for you

Woman: mmmmmmmm i like when you are hard for me

My desire to love and trust has vanished. I cannot trust Ricky and his motives. I will always assume that he has other accounts that I don’t know about, just like that Skype account he created in part of the live sex chat account. It makes me angry that he could do all this so easily and expect me to forgive him just because he recorded me a song.

The biggest mistake that anyone could ever have, is to break someone else’s heart, who’s been through a lot from dating A*holes and has put all their effort to take a leap of faith, no matter how scary it was to get into a relationship.

I slept so soundly last night. My mind, body and soul had to rest and I wish I could go back to bed. But each day is another day.

Day 3: NEVER EVER be friends with your EX. EVER.

I vowed to myself never to blog anything about my exes again – most especially Beppe, my ex Italian boyfriend. I clearly declared on a post about a few weeks ago, that I have some kind of closure with him. I mean, to me it was a closure considering how he was no longer lingering in my mind until he managed to yet again bombard me with text messages:

(Obviously, since he’s been back in Italy for the last two years and had no contact with English speakers but me, his English has been too hard to understand.)

“Hei Khristine! Do not delete the [this] message before you have read it please… I can see that you are very angry on me,and honestly I would really like, and I think also deserve, to know why you are so mad on me. What do I did you? because our friendship after our relation was and still is really and very important for me!!! may try to guess that it is about Sarah, but you are with Rodrigo so what is the problem??? I really hope that for the time we shared together and all the great things we did together you will give me an answer because like I said before I do want to keep my friendship and contact with you!!! ciao and say hi to the gang…”

WHAT?

Did he just accuse me of being a jealous, obsessed and desperate ex-girlfriend? For his own information, the reason why I haven’t been in touch with him since that night, it’s because I have so much on my plate: I have finals and a very important board exam to study. I have my life too you know! On top of that, I have been melodramatic with Ricky because of my monthly PMSing drama about some things we need to work on as a couple. I even made a note explaining to Beppe that I am not bothered with him dating Sarah since I, myself, am happy with Ricky, but he clearly ignored it! I ranted on how Beppe and I promised to tell each other if we legit started dating other people seriously. I even told him about Ricky and he knew about it. However, when Beppe invited me to dinner that night when he was in town, he never told me he was dating someone until I was at two lights away from the restaurant. What was he trying to do?! EMBARRASS ME IN FRONT OF HIS EX-BOSS AND HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND? WHAT KIND OF FRIEND IS HE? He didn’t even respect the fact that he has a new girlfriend and he’s bringing his ex-girlfriend to dinner as well? Does he not respect what we promised before? He never said anything about Sarah until that night. I felt betrayed because I was close to being humiliated. Thank God I was clever enough to figure it all out and stood him up for a dinner date set up for four people plus one random ex-girlfriend  (ME).

So, maybe I do have some pent-up anger, but I’m not being obsessed. He was being selfish to think that everything revolved around his freakin’ Italian ass.

He didn’t stop there. He gave me this pity text message this morning about how he’s not going to text me again and yada…yada…..

“This will be my last text message to you, after that you will have finally no more buttering (bothering, I think) from me, I hope at least this will make you happie!! I do apologize for everything bad I did to you even if I will neber know it because of your no telling me. But is your decision and is fine this way! I’ll miss you but I’ll forever remember the time we shared together, be safe and do not lose your amazing smile! ciao Beppe!!!”

UGH. My blood is boiling hot with how he thinks he’s the victim here. Also, I hate how the blame is pointed at me. I DID SEND HIM A NOTE VIA TEXT MESSAGE AND E-MAIL. What does he expect me to do? Reactivate my Facebook account? EFF NO. I’m tired of relying on Facebook for social interaction with friends. Why can’t we all go back to e-mailing, texting or better yet… CALLING. DAMN IT. COMMUNICATION WOULD HAVE BEEN A LOT EASIER YOU KNOW!

Also, what’s really the point in saying those “I miss you,” “I’ll never forget you,” “I cherish your friendship, “We should be friends” That’s complete UTTER BS.

Here’s the bottom line folks, YOU CAN NEVER BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EXES. Some might disagree on my claim, but in my situation, I cannot be friends with Beppe. Why are we still friends? It’s not like he knows or cares a damn thing about my life. If he cared as a friend, he wouldn’t say, goodbye… rather he would understand that I, too, have a life and that I’m probably too busy to explain everything over a text message and that he would call me because he cares that much about his made-up excuse of having me as a friend. A friendship that he thinks could have a slight chance of being more than just friends that maybe… JUST MAYBE. UGH.

It took me a year to get over Beppe and when I finally said to myself to stop crying and move on, that’s when I literally stop wishing for “maybes.” I clearly gave up and stopped chasing empty pavements of hoping Beppe and I can get back with each other.

It was all just a SUMMER FLING!

Seriously, I’ve seen this ex move before: they see you all happy with someone and they try so HARD to get you to like them back.

UGH. I’m not that naive, COME ON BEPPE. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.

Let’s start over.

And to think Ricky and I were done, we’re not. Okay, I didn’t say that in a bad way!!! But… I think I need to repair the damages I created… such as telling everyone in my Facebook, my friends and my family that he and I broke up. Oh boy, I wish I could have just kept it all into myself, but I’m a girl. I let it out by opening my mouth! Anyways, you’re probably wondering, what happened? What changed it all when it seemed like there’s no hope?

Well… let’s just say, my heart was giving off signs and that a friend blogger, Fawn, was the final topping to finally giving Ricky a chance to hear his side.

Yesterday, I was set to move on. I was set to study alone and I was going to put myself into the single zone. But it didn’t feel right somehow. I started reminiscing the fun times Ricky and I enjoyed. I remember the reason why I fell for him and why I took all my walls down for him: it’s because I love the fact that I can be myself around him. I can be goofy and stupid together with him and it was just funny and perfect. We made each other laugh over the littlest things. I love the fact that I could listen to oldies jazz with him and listen to live performances without having to think “Oh my gosh, he might not like it… blah blah blah.” I love that I could tell him my frustrations about people’s stupidity because I know he shares the same thing. I love that I could tell him nerdy things I’ve learned in class because my degree and his correlates with one another. I love that he’s nice, gentle, sensitive and most of all, I love that he’ll do anything to cheer me up.

In addition to reminiscing, I started seeing things that reminded me of him. I saw shirts and bumper stickers from the previous university he attended. It felt like everywhere I go, everything reminded me of him. And then, I was sitting on my laptop, looking through my favorite reads and there it is… Fawn’s blog.

This quote from Bob Marley that she posted, totally hit me.

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I started tearing up when I read this. My heart was beating so fast, I could no longer sit on the chair at Panera. I had to leave… I had to patch things up with Ricky even if I initiate it. I have to hear his side on this. I have to hear Ricky before we lose each other completely. I have to take back the person who makes me laugh and the person who makes me strong.

I searched for my phone frantically and I was starting to get pissed off because when I need something, it doesn’t show up. Is this another sign? Not to talk to him? But I had to… I really did.

We went to a place… somewhere where we could talk. I saw the Ricky I know… he was calm yet nervous. He teared up when I repeated Bob Marley’s quote. I think in that moment, I realized, Ricky isn’t perfect. He doesn’t have all the time in the world, but he makes the most of it – with me. He strives hard because “I want a great future for us, Khristine.” Ricky isn’t perfect, but he sure is right for me and that’s all I need to know and to remember.

Ricky is perfect for me, the right guy who truly makes me happy and who truly makes me laugh.

Maybe that break up we had is what we needed. We needed to realize our mistakes, what we needed to work on, why we are together and most of all, we realized how significant we are for each other. When we were apart, we really couldn’t break away. We just can’t. I guess it’s what you call… love. Love that endures.

P.S. Thanks Fawn for posting stuff that speaks the truth and that hits a person’s heart right on the spot!  Keep posting more 🙂 You’re a great inspiration 🙂

Day 26: A Big question!

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I don’t typically imagine getting myself in a wedding gown. I don’t day dream that much about it unlike some girls I’ve seen who have planned everything down to a T- even when there’s no ring and groom to make it all possible yet. I only imagined being in a marriage and doing what married couples do… but to plan a wedding? I mean, every girl thinks it’s the ribbon to the perfect happily ever after love story, but it hasn’t occurred to me that much until recently.

A former classmate of mine who dropped out of nursing class, Marta, is pregnant. It was a surprise to me because a gal like her, who only dreamed of getting married with a rich man and who didn’t seem committed, is pregnant with her new beau. Apparently, they are head over heels to each other and I’m very surprised, yet happy to know that everything’s turning out great for her.

ME: “So, when’s the baby shower?”

Marta: “The baby shower is far away. I am only 4 weeks. The wedding in a few months- before the baby is born.”

ME: “Congrats! How’s you and your man?”

Marta: “Oh we are gooooood! Each day gets better, he is ecstatic. He is all about the baby and its so cute how he talks to the doctors and is concerned haha.”

Then, she went on and asked me this big question:

“How about your wedding?”

My wedding? She wasn’t the first person who’ve asked me that question, as a matter of fact, it has been asked and sometimes in a different way. I’ve managed to suppress it and found it quite flattering, but when I think about it… there’s a few people who’ve asked me or Ricky that question before.

Like… Ricky’s professor when we attended his graduation- recognition ceremony. They asked if I was his wife, to their disappointment, I wasn’t, then they asked excitingly, “So… when’s the wedding?!”

In another situation, Ricky and I have been going to the same Pho (Vietnamanese) Restaurant for the past few months and sitting on the same table by the window, when a waitress who managed to give me hair advice asked if we were a married couple.

It doesn’t bother me that people ask that question, but it’s mind boggling that I look that old to be married or to be at least ready to wed. I’ve always thought:

I’m only 22. I’m too young to get married! Why are people thinking I’m married or that I’m in the age where I’m ready to walk down the aisle? Am I starting to have wrinkles? Do I look old?! For goodness sakes, I haven’t even moved out of my parent’s house! Let alone, have a job or even have my own place. Marriage? Hah! That’s crazy.

I plan to marry when I’m 26 or so. I know I’m not stable financially and emotionally to get married, not now, maybe later. I mean… I’m not saying that I’m not ready to marry Ricky. It’s just that… it’s too early for us and I’m sure he feels the same way. We’ve only been dating for 9 months and I think it’ll do justice to wait for 2  more years until we get married so we can have an idea for what we truly feel for each other.

But… I can’t say I haven’t been having small dreamy imaginations of my wedding with Ricky or with whoever I marry.

I was looking for a song to enliven my day. I came across this song and found a comment that said,

This will be the first dance at my wedding somedaypearlkindofgirl

I played it and I started imagining …

Oh it’s crazy. I might not even get married, you know?

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