2: Don’t let him get you.

She dreamt of him last night again. This time, her dream was more vivid and longer than she ever had of him. She confronted him and poured all her stored anger on him. She felt her heart beat fast, making it difficult for her to breathe. She felt her blood burning in her veins, racing towards her cheeks and drowning her in heat. He approached her with his new girlfriend, Stella.

Her anger was rising, she couldn’t keep it anymore. She finally confronted him:

“Why did you leave? Why can’t you just leave me alone? After five years, after leaving me, look at me, I’m still crying over you. I can’t get you out of my mind. I still love you.”

He cried and said, “I know piccola. I miss you too. I want you back.”

The dream was so real, she didn’t want to leave. As soon as she told herself that she didn’t want to wake up because she knew it was only a dream, reality finally woke her up. She felt her heart racing and hoping that He was still in front of her, asking her to come back.

It was 2:30 am and she tried to doze off, but he was still in her mind. She tried to remember what her friend, Mandy, told her,

“Don’t let him get you. Every time you let him into your mind, your obsession of what he looks like or how he treated you, will forever trap you in that idealistic limbo. I know you’re hoping he’ll come back, but let’s face it honey, it’s been five years. Plus, you’re married. You’re married to Richard. You don’t want to be an obsessed b*tch.”

She looked away from the ceiling and saw Richard, sleeping peacefully next to her. She removed the sheets that separated him from her. She moved closer to him and found a spot on his warm chest. Richard unconsciously opened his arms to let her head rest on his chest. She watched him take several breaths and wondered what he could be dreaming. Cece felt a pang of guilt and tried her hardest to brush it all off by closing her eyes, but despite her effort, she hoped to dream of Him again.

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Day 26: A Big question!

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I don’t typically imagine getting myself in a wedding gown. I don’t day dream that much about it unlike some girls I’ve seen who have planned everything down to a T- even when there’s no ring and groom to make it all possible yet. I only imagined being in a marriage and doing what married couples do… but to plan a wedding? I mean, every girl thinks it’s the ribbon to the perfect happily ever after love story, but it hasn’t occurred to me that much until recently.

A former classmate of mine who dropped out of nursing class, Marta, is pregnant. It was a surprise to me because a gal like her, who only dreamed of getting married with a rich man and who didn’t seem committed, is pregnant with her new beau. Apparently, they are head over heels to each other and I’m very surprised, yet happy to know that everything’s turning out great for her.

ME: “So, when’s the baby shower?”

Marta: “The baby shower is far away. I am only 4 weeks. The wedding in a few months- before the baby is born.”

ME: “Congrats! How’s you and your man?”

Marta: “Oh we are gooooood! Each day gets better, he is ecstatic. He is all about the baby and its so cute how he talks to the doctors and is concerned haha.”

Then, she went on and asked me this big question:

“How about your wedding?”

My wedding? She wasn’t the first person who’ve asked me that question, as a matter of fact, it has been asked and sometimes in a different way. I’ve managed to suppress it and found it quite flattering, but when I think about it… there’s a few people who’ve asked me or Ricky that question before.

Like… Ricky’s professor when we attended his graduation- recognition ceremony. They asked if I was his wife, to their disappointment, I wasn’t, then they asked excitingly, “So… when’s the wedding?!”

In another situation, Ricky and I have been going to the same Pho (Vietnamanese) Restaurant for the past few months and sitting on the same table by the window, when a waitress who managed to give me hair advice asked if we were a married couple.

It doesn’t bother me that people ask that question, but it’s mind boggling that I look that old to be married or to be at least ready to wed. I’ve always thought:

I’m only 22. I’m too young to get married! Why are people thinking I’m married or that I’m in the age where I’m ready to walk down the aisle? Am I starting to have wrinkles? Do I look old?! For goodness sakes, I haven’t even moved out of my parent’s house! Let alone, have a job or even have my own place. Marriage? Hah! That’s crazy.

I plan to marry when I’m 26 or so. I know I’m not stable financially and emotionally to get married, not now, maybe later. I mean… I’m not saying that I’m not ready to marry Ricky. It’s just that… it’s too early for us and I’m sure he feels the same way. We’ve only been dating for 9 months and I think it’ll do justice to wait for 2  more years until we get married so we can have an idea for what we truly feel for each other.

But… I can’t say I haven’t been having small dreamy imaginations of my wedding with Ricky or with whoever I marry.

I was looking for a song to enliven my day. I came across this song and found a comment that said,

This will be the first dance at my wedding somedaypearlkindofgirl

I played it and I started imagining …

Oh it’s crazy. I might not even get married, you know?

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Day 18: Dream a little dream of Ricky

I am missing Ricky so much.

It doesn’t hurt to miss him, in fact, it makes me think of better and bigger things other than butterflies and fairy tale romances with him…

How do I say it without ever jinxing it? Oh… well, I’ve said it so many times. We have said it several times, actually. It wouldn’t hurt to dream. I just hope that our dreams would come true:

I want to marry Ricky someday.

I don’t care about how our wedding is going to be like-

if it’s less perfect or not.

All I want is to wake up right next to Ricky every morning- in our own bed.

I want to have his kids.

I want a boy running around our house and he’s got Ricky’s chocolate eyes-

with his curious look that always wants to know everything.

I want to have a baby girl to be our little star who brightens up our home.

I want to continue a journey with Ricky, longer than the ones I’ve taken before.

I want to go through the pain, happiness and our successes together.

I want to fill our relationship with so much laughter even if life throws us out of balance.

I want to make him happy and be there when he needed me the most.

I want our love to teach our children a lesson: I want them to believe in the joys of cherishing a relationship based on selfless love, an open communication, an unyielding patience, accepting each other wholeheartedly, and in respecting and keeping each other’s own identity.

I want to wake up one morning and see the man I’ve chosen to spend my life with:

Withered in his own skin, yet still handsome as I remember him to be.

I want to be with Ricky beyond the physical attraction,

beyond the short-lived infatuation,

beyond what life throws at us.

I love Ricky so much that it feels like it’s getting harder every day to imagine a life without him or even losing him. As we become more closer and as we grow more fonder of each other intimately, it is becoming difficult to break away. It’s not a bad thing, but I like that it doesn’t scare me, but it makes me want to fall so hard with him, because I know and I trust that he and I have something special, something different and something to look forward to.

Life may not give us what we hope for,

but it’s this moment that made me cherish-

more of what Ricky has made me feel and of what he tried so very hard to share with me:

his selfless love.