The Ghosts of Summer 2010

There’s something different in the air this summer. I can’t seem to pinpoint it, but it feels strangely too calm, as if there’s a rising uproar in the distance. I want to know what it is, but I have this weird feeling that is so similar to what I’ve felt five years ago. It’s strangely familiar yet it feels different.

The people I’ve met five years ago are slowly creeping in. Old friendships are re-kindling, friends who were turned away are once again looking forward to a second chance. Old, forgotten habits are slowly re-surfacing. Could old romances be repeated once again? Maybe not. That’s too impossible. That’s been locked and buried 1000 ft. below sea level.

Pretty soon I’m turning 25. Maybe summer’s going to be different this year. Whether the ghost of the past comes back or not, all I want is to finally have a chance to sip my sangrias without wasting this summer without a nice (fake) tan 😉

Maybe the young Kat will finally re-surface once again. Maybe this time, she’s more mature yet wilder.

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A Response to a Letter I Wrote to Myself, Four Years Ago!

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To my dearest 24- year old self,

Nice to meet you! I’ve never met you before and I don’t know how you are like. All I can do is to assume what you are like. I am your 20-year- old version and I am currently still in college. I do hope that you and I are reading this somewhere in 2014. Somewhere… pleasant and I hope with someone that we are both currently happy with.

24: Hello 20! I am your 24- year-old self writing this to you on New Year’s Eve of 2014. I got married with someone last September 24th. You’d be surprised to who: Ricky! I know! That was totally unexpected! 

20: You will look back at this point in time when I was writing this to you: bored out of my mind, tired and exhausted from work, but thrilled of the unknown. I want to assume what you are like, instead of telling you a recap of what happened to us. I expect that your memory is still sharp, so reminiscing from the years I remember wouldn’t be necessary. I just need to know the future that is ahead of me.

Here goes my list of questions and hopefully, you will still remember this blog post (and this blog) and you will answer to my questions through a form of a letter.

24: Despite our busy schedule, I’ve managed to drop in here once in awhile to share my thoughts and to keep this blog alive. After all, this is how I found this letter and I am so glad I remembered it! 

1. How’s life treating you?

Life has been interesting and full of unexpected twists and turns. We learn to adapt from changes that we initially thought was the biggest letdown.

2. Did you decide to change your major or did you pursue Nursing? Do you like it so far?

There was a moment a few years back when we decided to leave nursing for good and concentrate on Hotel Management. That thought didn’t last long because of a sudden change of heart. I decided to get a certificate as a Nursing Assistant and after that, our passion for nursing sparked. Currently, I do like nursing and I am waiting to get my feet to work. Additionally, I am in my last semester of nursing and I hope I make it to graduation this coming May!

3. Are you on our lovely couch, in our own home reading this post? What’s our place like?

No, I am currently still living at our parent’s house. It’s not bad because I’m saving a lot of money while I’m trying to finish our degree in nursing. 

4. How’s mom and dad? How’s the rest of the family?

Mom and dad have changed so much, in a good way. Remember when they used to be strict and they imposed strict curfews? Well, they don’t really care that much, except that they would much appreciate it if I tell them my whereabouts. They have been a lot lenient. Probably because of the fact that I’ve grown up and I’ve been a lot more responsible.

Little brother has matured a lot. He had a lot of drawbacks, but he managed to go through them. He is a lot more responsible, he respects mom and dad. He can still be a little stubborn, but he has definitely grown so much. 

As for our sister Lorraine, she’s married to ate Jhei now and she can finally work! She works at the Post Office and she’s finally moved out.

5. The World Cup is on this year! Last July, I watched Spain beat Netherlands with Beppe and Alberto. Didn’t you say you were going to Brazil to watch it live?

Ahhh… the World Cup this year has brought so many nostalgias to the point that I decided to reunite the Gang again. It was a pathetic reunion, but it still worked. Unfortunately, I didn’t go to Brazil to watch the game. By the way, Germany beat Argentina (1-0). Maybe I’ll go watch the games in Russia in 2018. . . or not! hahaha ! 

6. Speaking of Beppe, are you still talking to him? Did you end up visiting him in Italy? Tell me the entire story.

I know that you must have been excited to hear this story. There’s so much to tell, but I don’t know where to begin! I think it’s been complicated in terms of maintaining my friendship with him. Even after four years have passed, I struggled to get Beppe out of my mind. It made it worse when the World Cup came around. The games reminded me a lot about Beppe. It wasn’t until recently that I started to slowly wake up from his spell. I think it started when Ricky and I got married. I knew right there and then that I had to change. So, in the hopes of letting myself go from Beppe, I deleted him in Facebook, in Instagram, I even changed my name in there so that he can’t find me. I’m happy that I’m no longer waiting for him.

I never got the chance to visit him in Italy. Now, he is working in Sydney with his Italian girlfriend, Sara, who is also a chef. Beppe came back in the US two years ago with Sara. One night, he and I were going to meet at a restaurant with his former boss and his boss’ date. At that time, I didn’t know that Sara was his girlfriend. So when I was on the way to the restaurant to see him, he texted me that he was with his girlfriend, Sara. I turned my car around and I gave him a BS excuse. Obviously, I didn’t want to interrupt a double date, so I never showed up. I know I ruined the chances of meeting or having a closure with Beppe, but I’m glad I never saw him again. I would rather have that ending back in October of ’10 when he finally walked away, gave me one last kiss and he said, “We are not going to say addio, instead let’s just say a presto.” Things didn’t end up the way we wished, but glad it happened. 

7. What are you like at 24? Did you finally have the courage to cut your hair short?

As much as I would like to brag that being in my 24th year has given me such immense beauty and that I am at the pinnacle of my prime, you, my 20-year-old-self looked so much better! I never had the courage to cut my hair short even though it was the trend this fall. I think I’m growing it out healthily and I have been religiously seeing my (mediocre) hair stylist to cut my hair to the length of one- inches with long layers, every two months. So far, my hair has been longer and healthier, but I need a haircut soon! I feel some split ends have reached the top of my head 😦

8. Did you lose weight or did you gain weight?

Like I said, you, my 20-year-old-self looked so much better than me now. I have gained about 15 pounds from nursing school and I have been trying to lose weight, but those darn McDonald’s french fries are irresistible! What do they put in it anyways? Crack?

9. Is the world still spinning? We both know that we are afraid of zombies… so has the world been dominated by zombies yet?

Hahah, child, so far the world is still spinning with the lively, ruthless, greedy capitalists expanding their empires and with no existence of the undead. I actually just finished knocking on wood, in hopes that such an invasion will not happen.

10. Are you addicted to smoking? I started smoking a few days ago and I’ve grown quite addicted to it. Did we quit?

The smoking thing was just a fad! It was just a phase that you went through because you liked a guy who was also smoking. I’m glad we never got addicted to it! It’s sooo bad for you! Also, CVS no longer sells cigarettes!

11. Tell me anything that I do not know. Write me at least two pages!

I’m stuck with this question! It sounds as if I should have gained a lot of knowledge within the span of four years, but it feels like I haven’t changed much. Maybe I did change a lot, but I don’t see it. I do know that there were a lot of things that happened and I don’t regret anything at all. I’ve done a lot of growing up and I’m still in progress. There were times when I wanted to go back to 2010, when I didn’t care much, and I’ve tried to replicate that year with each passing year, but I never did. I’m am still hoping that I could be a better version of my free spirited, 20-year-old self. 

20: I’m thrilled to meet 21 soon. I can’t wait to meet you when I turn 24 🙂

24: I’m about to meet 25 and my oh my, I’m already facing a premature arthritis on my thumb. I’m gettin old!!!! I don’t think I’m ready to meet 25 at all!!!

Don’t forget about this letter!   I never did. 

Love always,

Your not-so perfect-self :

Khristine.

I’m so tempted to take you all back.

 

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I hate making rash decisions every time I’m PMSing. Usually around that time, I am very lonely, depressed and jealous of the world. My self-esteem is very low and I desperately need some kind of company. I don’t know what led to the event of calling someone from my past and giving that person another shot in my life, but to this day, I deeply regretted it. 

 

Wait the minute… If you’re assuming that I hooked up with someone from my past- NO. It feels like I did, but it’s not even close. 

 

There’s this guy (it usually starts off like that doesn’t it?) named Jason, who is the best friend of Mr. Nit Picky and Beppe’s ultimate enemy. Jason and I bonded together after Beppe left me in the Fall of 2010 and I ended up meeting Mr. Nit Picky through him. Over the years, we’ve gone out-of-touch, partly because he kept pushing me to date (or hookup) with Mr. Nit Picky in numerous times when in fact, I was unstable to do such a thing after breaking up with Beppe. I didn’t like that Jason and Mr. Nit Picky played games with me, as if I was some trophy to win over. So, on the night of my 21st birthday party, I confronted Jason and Mr. Nit Picky, with a couple of shots under my belt, and that they were a bunch of immature f*cks who need to grow up. In that moment, I finally decided to take them both  out of my life.

Apparently, through the years, Jason tried getting my number from friends and he tried adding me in Facebook. Unfortunately, I never responded nor anyone ever wanted to give my number. He finally got my number after Mr. Nit Picky talked to me after so many years. Ever since then, Jason has been bugging me to call him, which is a habit of him that I distinctly remember that I hated so much. No matter how much “busy” you tell him over text messaging, you’ll hear him ring your phone again and again and again… till you succumb into calling him, which I did out of boredom. Over a very short phone call, I confronted him again about the reason why I decided to cut things off between me and the two of them. However, for some weird reason, I felt desperate to get the old times back when I was the center of attention, therefore I decided to give Jason another shot. To be honest, after two or three phone calls with him, it didn’t sound like he changed even though he clearly told me that he did. He was the same Jason- foul-mouthed, short-tempered and he irrationally jumps into conclusion…. which are qualities that I despise from him.  

There are a lot of reasons why I never wanted to take him or Mr. Nit Picky back. First and foremost, I am done with the flirting stage and getting impressed by “bad boys” who likes cars. To be honest, after four years of not hanging out with them, I strongly feel that I’ve grown apart from them and anyone I’ve stopped talking to in 2010. I like spending my Saturdays at home instead of wearing skimpy clothes just to get Mr. Nit Picky’s attention. I like drowning myself in books instead of wasting my time trying to find an outfit to impress the Sterling boys (Mr. Nit Picky and Jason’s group of boys). I like to spend time with my family even if it involves watching lame Filipino TV shows, instead of going out to the bar with them and discussing about girls and how to score one. I love wearing “plain clothes” instead of putting so much effort to get anyone’s attention. I’m done with all that! 

But… then there’s a part of me wondering if they’ve changed and there’s a part of me that wants to “prove” to them that I’m not the silly, naive and meek Khristine that they used to know. But then again, Ricky asked me:

“Why do you have to prove yourself to others when you can just prove all that to yourself?”

 

Exactly… why should I waste my time in trying to impress anyone when they don’t deserve to see any of that in the first place? (Isn’t that what he said?)

 

But anyways, Jason’s planning on moving back here from Florida for good. He wants to “treat me to dinner” and that he “misses talking” to me. Quite frankly, that’s very weird. It sounds like a date? EWW.

 

I feel like blocking him in Facebook and my cellphone. But then I don’t want to suffer with the what-ifs.

WAIT… what is the what-ifs anyways? Why should I even think of one? 

Gross.

 

So… what should I do?

First Week: A Bunch of Alpha-Female Teachers. *B&tch Stares.*

Another first week of the nursing semester has begun, which means, new classes, tons of homework, new faces and new teachers.

So far, the stress of completing readings (11 chapters to read by the first day!), stressing on whether I passed or failed the dosage math exam (taken on the first day, if failed for the second time, I will be terminated from the program) and completing assignments (due by Saturday THIS WEEK) has led me out-of-my-normal sync and it has put all of my scheduled running goals on hold. I haven’t ran since Monday! *gasps*

“The first week is always the hardest.” -Ricky.

On top of the workload, I have the b*tchiest instructors who were sticklers for every single pet-peeve that they’ve obtained from previous students, who made them who they are today. It seems that for every semester, they acquire a nuisance and they add it to their long and tedious syllabus that they coined “the contract between the students and the teachers.” I do admit that reading those syllabus has amplified my strong fear for strict, alpha-female teachers, but not entirely. The fear I acquire from them motivates me to excel and not settle for anything less. I had a very strict teacher once and she molded me to be an A – B range nursing student, something that I didn’t expect years ago- when I failed my first Biology class when I first started college.

So yes, the perks of having strict teachers involve pushing students to strive harder and to pursue perfection in their best capabilities. Also, it encourages students to live up to their teacher’s expectations, wherein the students mold themselves as close as they can to be the professor’s “ideal nursing student.” Some of the students try hard to kiss ass, they are snotty, aggressive and bossy to their peers and they like to get the attention of the instructor. I find myself rolling my eyes and shaking my head when they argue with the teacher about a fact or when a fellow student blurts out the answer to them,  No! That’s not what the book says… or How did you know that- that is the answer?! My response: B*tch, please! I read the book, so I know. Of course, I didn’t say that out loud, but I wish I did!

I always like to tell myself, “Welcome back to nursing school! These are the type of people you’ll be working with.” Great.

Anyways, tomorrow’s my first clinical for the RN program. I have to wake up at 5 am and report at 7am. I gotta sleep NOW OR I WILL REGRET SLEEPING LATE!

Hopefully, tomorrow’s interesting which means, I’m open for more b*tchy instructors and bossy classmates. Can’t wait for drama.

Yay.

First rants of 2014

I am not looking forward to next week’s first day of Spring 2014 semester. I am not excited in meeting new student nurses who are at first, a bunch of know-it-alls, but turns out to be nonetheless a couple know-nothings about nursing-related stuff. I’m not excited about Maternity, re-learning about pregnancy (not that I have anything against it), re-learning about the phases of labor and delivery and all that complicated stuff. I am really not into maternity and pediatrics! I do love kids and pregnant women, but … the process of everything is so overwhelming. 

On top of my Maternity lectures, I am not looking forward to another lab where I’ll get tested by intimidating instructors every week and I am definitely not excited about my 12- hour clinicals. I heard we don’t get to touch the fun stuff… WHAT?! But that’s the fun of it all!! Ugh. I have a bad feeling about this semester… 

Outside my nursing drama, I will be applying to a university where I need to get started with my prerequisites for my Bachelor’s of Science in Nursing (BSN). I hope I get in.

 

Ugh… I am so not excited. 

 

 

Day 28: To message ALL 170 FRIENDS

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Hello Insomnia, we meet again.

It’s 2: 36 am and I have been awake- stalking people in Facebook, desperately trying to message old friends who have rotted in my “To Talk” list. Six hours ago, I had a mental breakdown inside Ricky’s car because I was crying for new friends, new routine, new places to eat, new things to do, basically… something different and “new.” I got pissed off over a small thing like a sandwich that Ricky thought was “bad” (as in spoiled) because it had been sitting in the car for 6 hours… I mean come on, there are so many people who can’t eat and he was going to throw that away? It really was a waste.

I don’t know why I was so pent up with so much emotions. I don’t know if it was the fullness of the moon since I seem to always turn into a moody b*tch (a friend called me a werewolf!) or that I was so emotionally stressed out that I had to basically breakdown in tears. Running in the gym didn’t help since I started looking at the people as if they were hamsters running in elliptical machines.

It was a really crazy day.

And now, I find myself unable to sleep when I need to wake up early so I can start my day right.

Not long ago, I was apologizing to old friends for being MIA and thanking them for their existence in Facebook (I’m losing it). My goal was to message all 170 friends, but you know, as I looked through my friend’s list, I started telling myself,

“Oh God, I’m not talking to her, she’s a c*nt.”

“Hell to the no that I’m hitting him up! He’ll think I’m interested in him.”

“Why am I friends with these people? I don’t even like them.”

As much as I dreaded the idea of messaging all 170 friends, I gave up and chose the ones that matter. The ones who deserve an apology from me, like my sister in Singapore whom I haven’t seen or talked to in awhile because I was too busy being a selfish teenager – “back in the day.”

Anyways, I really don’t know what I’m talking about in this post. I feel like my logical balance has gone astray, an aura is overwhelmingly making me moody and I feel more confused over the littlest things. Just in case you are wondering, it’s not PMS-ing. I just had my monthly dues! So yeah… I think my body’s a bit in tuned with nature lately: if it’s cloudy, expect me to be in a really bad and lazy mood and if it’s sunny, expect me to be so happy and with so much energy. I must be mother nature’s manifestation. (#BULL_CRAP)

Okay… I think I need to hit the bed.

Night. I meant, morning.

Day 27: I want to have fun with drama!

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My life is pretty boring right now.

I’m turning 23 soon and I’m looking back to the time when I was (younger) partying (hard-er) and socializing with people who were willing to have a great time. I was a sad drunk who made everyone chase after me before I get to my car, a drama queen who grieves over her ex boyfriends and according to Ricky, I had this energy that attracts people to me (aka center of attention?).

I love to socialize with people no matter how silly, miserable or fake they all seemed. I didn’t care. I wanted to have fun and I wanted to be around the people who were full of energy because in my head, they were all in my sick- imaginative- reality drama series. I was the mastermind and they were my puppets.

I was a slimy girl who plotted on drama that would infuse the night more interestingly. I would go to parties where my enemies had no idea that I was going to. I enjoyed my time and I ignored their presence. Once, I even invited a friends-with-benefits guy in one of my birthdays where my ex-boyfriend was at the same time. The night didn’t end well since a friend of his and my ex-bf started fighting. I thought that was interesting. There were also a couple of nights when I literally made myself drunk to the point where I’ve stopped everyone from drinking and gave drunk speeches and got carried to the car because I passed out-drunk. Then there was a night when I pulled out a knife to someone (jokingly) because I thought she was flirting with an ex boyfriend. I know, I was wild and crazy! However, I don’t regret any of those because I see them as fun (sick) memories. They are memories who defined who I am today:

A mature young lady, who no longer cries over her ex boyfriends, no longer gives drunk speeches and no longer passes out drunk without having a fit with someone.

Although it seems like it’s all a great ending to a post-teenage coming of age story, it isn’t.

I miss those days. Why?

It’s because, lately, I’ve been stuck doing these:

I hate boring hang outs where you’re only sitting in front of a table playing ‘Kings,’ just because it’s the only thing that could spark amusement and that would make the night easier to drink away the boredom. Swear, most of my nights are like that now… it’s either I get stuck with guys chatting about girls or sports or with people who rely on Kings just to have fun. I’m honestly bored with that.

I’m craving for a bit of drama, something crazy and wild to talk about. It seems that lately, I’ve been in my nice lady shoes and not so much in my crazy, wild stilettos. I’ve restrained myself from hanging out with people who has so much drama. When in fact, I’ve previously complained about getting sick of people with their drama and their BS and now I want them back in my life. ISN’T THAT CRAZY?

I erased people in my life and now I want them back to leech the living hell out of me. I don’t know about you, but I like drama in my life right now. I miss having some kind of climax or some kind of socializing with different people other than the ones who I’m usually hanging out with. I don’t know if I miss having to deal with drama but I think what I really miss is hanging out with different people.

So now, I was thinking of hitting up some old friends (whom I’ve deleted in Facebook) and some old ones that were just laying around. I want some company and it’s going to be warm pretty soon so I’m hoping for backyard and house parties more often, since it’s really that time of the year to get out there and socialize.

I wish that I won’t regret this in the end, but you know what they always say, “Be careful what you wish for because you might not like it.”

We’ll see.