The Ghosts of Summer 2010

There’s something different in the air this summer. I can’t seem to pinpoint it, but it feels strangely too calm, as if there’s a rising uproar in the distance. I want to know what it is, but I have this weird feeling that is so similar to what I’ve felt five years ago. It’s strangely familiar yet it feels different.

The people I’ve met five years ago are slowly creeping in. Old friendships are re-kindling, friends who were turned away are once again looking forward to a second chance. Old, forgotten habits are slowly re-surfacing. Could old romances be repeated once again? Maybe not. That’s too impossible. That’s been locked and buried 1000 ft. below sea level.

Pretty soon I’m turning 25. Maybe summer’s going to be different this year. Whether the ghost of the past comes back or not, all I want is to finally have a chance to sip my sangrias without wasting this summer without a nice (fake) tan 😉

Maybe the young Kat will finally re-surface once again. Maybe this time, she’s more mature yet wilder.

A Response to a Letter I Wrote to Myself, Four Years Ago!

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To my dearest 24- year old self,

Nice to meet you! I’ve never met you before and I don’t know how you are like. All I can do is to assume what you are like. I am your 20-year- old version and I am currently still in college. I do hope that you and I are reading this somewhere in 2014. Somewhere… pleasant and I hope with someone that we are both currently happy with.

24: Hello 20! I am your 24- year-old self writing this to you on New Year’s Eve of 2014. I got married with someone last September 24th. You’d be surprised to who: Ricky! I know! That was totally unexpected! 

20: You will look back at this point in time when I was writing this to you: bored out of my mind, tired and exhausted from work, but thrilled of the unknown. I want to assume what you are like, instead of telling you a recap of what happened to us. I expect that your memory is still sharp, so reminiscing from the years I remember wouldn’t be necessary. I just need to know the future that is ahead of me.

Here goes my list of questions and hopefully, you will still remember this blog post (and this blog) and you will answer to my questions through a form of a letter.

24: Despite our busy schedule, I’ve managed to drop in here once in awhile to share my thoughts and to keep this blog alive. After all, this is how I found this letter and I am so glad I remembered it! 

1. How’s life treating you?

Life has been interesting and full of unexpected twists and turns. We learn to adapt from changes that we initially thought was the biggest letdown.

2. Did you decide to change your major or did you pursue Nursing? Do you like it so far?

There was a moment a few years back when we decided to leave nursing for good and concentrate on Hotel Management. That thought didn’t last long because of a sudden change of heart. I decided to get a certificate as a Nursing Assistant and after that, our passion for nursing sparked. Currently, I do like nursing and I am waiting to get my feet to work. Additionally, I am in my last semester of nursing and I hope I make it to graduation this coming May!

3. Are you on our lovely couch, in our own home reading this post? What’s our place like?

No, I am currently still living at our parent’s house. It’s not bad because I’m saving a lot of money while I’m trying to finish our degree in nursing. 

4. How’s mom and dad? How’s the rest of the family?

Mom and dad have changed so much, in a good way. Remember when they used to be strict and they imposed strict curfews? Well, they don’t really care that much, except that they would much appreciate it if I tell them my whereabouts. They have been a lot lenient. Probably because of the fact that I’ve grown up and I’ve been a lot more responsible.

Little brother has matured a lot. He had a lot of drawbacks, but he managed to go through them. He is a lot more responsible, he respects mom and dad. He can still be a little stubborn, but he has definitely grown so much. 

As for our sister Lorraine, she’s married to ate Jhei now and she can finally work! She works at the Post Office and she’s finally moved out.

5. The World Cup is on this year! Last July, I watched Spain beat Netherlands with Beppe and Alberto. Didn’t you say you were going to Brazil to watch it live?

Ahhh… the World Cup this year has brought so many nostalgias to the point that I decided to reunite the Gang again. It was a pathetic reunion, but it still worked. Unfortunately, I didn’t go to Brazil to watch the game. By the way, Germany beat Argentina (1-0). Maybe I’ll go watch the games in Russia in 2018. . . or not! hahaha ! 

6. Speaking of Beppe, are you still talking to him? Did you end up visiting him in Italy? Tell me the entire story.

I know that you must have been excited to hear this story. There’s so much to tell, but I don’t know where to begin! I think it’s been complicated in terms of maintaining my friendship with him. Even after four years have passed, I struggled to get Beppe out of my mind. It made it worse when the World Cup came around. The games reminded me a lot about Beppe. It wasn’t until recently that I started to slowly wake up from his spell. I think it started when Ricky and I got married. I knew right there and then that I had to change. So, in the hopes of letting myself go from Beppe, I deleted him in Facebook, in Instagram, I even changed my name in there so that he can’t find me. I’m happy that I’m no longer waiting for him.

I never got the chance to visit him in Italy. Now, he is working in Sydney with his Italian girlfriend, Sara, who is also a chef. Beppe came back in the US two years ago with Sara. One night, he and I were going to meet at a restaurant with his former boss and his boss’ date. At that time, I didn’t know that Sara was his girlfriend. So when I was on the way to the restaurant to see him, he texted me that he was with his girlfriend, Sara. I turned my car around and I gave him a BS excuse. Obviously, I didn’t want to interrupt a double date, so I never showed up. I know I ruined the chances of meeting or having a closure with Beppe, but I’m glad I never saw him again. I would rather have that ending back in October of ’10 when he finally walked away, gave me one last kiss and he said, “We are not going to say addio, instead let’s just say a presto.” Things didn’t end up the way we wished, but glad it happened. 

7. What are you like at 24? Did you finally have the courage to cut your hair short?

As much as I would like to brag that being in my 24th year has given me such immense beauty and that I am at the pinnacle of my prime, you, my 20-year-old-self looked so much better! I never had the courage to cut my hair short even though it was the trend this fall. I think I’m growing it out healthily and I have been religiously seeing my (mediocre) hair stylist to cut my hair to the length of one- inches with long layers, every two months. So far, my hair has been longer and healthier, but I need a haircut soon! I feel some split ends have reached the top of my head 😦

8. Did you lose weight or did you gain weight?

Like I said, you, my 20-year-old-self looked so much better than me now. I have gained about 15 pounds from nursing school and I have been trying to lose weight, but those darn McDonald’s french fries are irresistible! What do they put in it anyways? Crack?

9. Is the world still spinning? We both know that we are afraid of zombies… so has the world been dominated by zombies yet?

Hahah, child, so far the world is still spinning with the lively, ruthless, greedy capitalists expanding their empires and with no existence of the undead. I actually just finished knocking on wood, in hopes that such an invasion will not happen.

10. Are you addicted to smoking? I started smoking a few days ago and I’ve grown quite addicted to it. Did we quit?

The smoking thing was just a fad! It was just a phase that you went through because you liked a guy who was also smoking. I’m glad we never got addicted to it! It’s sooo bad for you! Also, CVS no longer sells cigarettes!

11. Tell me anything that I do not know. Write me at least two pages!

I’m stuck with this question! It sounds as if I should have gained a lot of knowledge within the span of four years, but it feels like I haven’t changed much. Maybe I did change a lot, but I don’t see it. I do know that there were a lot of things that happened and I don’t regret anything at all. I’ve done a lot of growing up and I’m still in progress. There were times when I wanted to go back to 2010, when I didn’t care much, and I’ve tried to replicate that year with each passing year, but I never did. I’m am still hoping that I could be a better version of my free spirited, 20-year-old self. 

20: I’m thrilled to meet 21 soon. I can’t wait to meet you when I turn 24 🙂

24: I’m about to meet 25 and my oh my, I’m already facing a premature arthritis on my thumb. I’m gettin old!!!! I don’t think I’m ready to meet 25 at all!!!

Don’t forget about this letter!   I never did. 

Love always,

Your not-so perfect-self :

Khristine.

A Red Bra and a Pair of Daisy Dukes.

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I am a sentimental soul, who hoards letters, notes and even gift tags, given to me by several people, who has graciously left me their small mementoes to remember them. I usually have several boxes: a pink BCBG box for Ricky’s letters, a huge brown box for everyone else: exes, family, friends, relatives, etc, and a box, which I forgot what it looks like, designated to Beppe’s gifts. I never mix them all, with the exception of one letter that I accidentally stumbled upon a few nights ago.

It all started when I was looking for my former boss’ address. I wanted to send her and her husband a Christmas greeting card because I wanted to return the favor of sending them a joyous greeting, the same way they do on every holiday. As I was going through a pile of letters in the brown box, I stumbled upon Beppe’s last farewell letter to me before he went to Italy. I honestly did not want to open it, but I did. I momentarily opened it and saw that there were two CDs inserted in the envelope. I did not read the letter, instead, I returned the letter in the envelope then I tossed it back to the box and went on with my business in sending the greeting card.

It wasn’t until last night when my curiosity was heightened. I decided to look for the letter, not read it, but explore what’s inside the CDs. As I opened the CD’s contents in my computer, pictures and videos were lined up in the folder for me to see. I saw the young me, the young Ricky (which was my favorite to see; he has changed so much! A lot more handsome than before!), and the immature side of the Gang. The pictures gave me a terrible nostalgia: I hated how I acted in the videos: a mental drunkie and a drama queen. I wasn’t proud of seeing my 20-year-old self prancing around with nothing on, but a red bra and a pair of daisy dukes. I was craaaazy. Tanned, hot, but crazy. The worse part of all, was seeing Beppe and I in our most intimate moments. I cringed and I felt my stomach sick as I saw myself making out with Beppe. Ricky was suppose to be in those pictures! I used to cry about those moments of Beppe and I, then I wished that they would happen again. Now, I honestly despise all those memories. I hated how Beppe sounded, he was too hairy, he always snapped at me when I was drunk (I couldn’t blame anyone, but Ricky never screamed at me even when I was in my craziest state), but there was something about Beppe that I didn’t notice before, maybe it’s the fact that he is part of me that I thought was unforgettable, but I failed to see that our relationship was simply a summer fling, temporary and it has no future. I hated my immature side and I felt sick of seeing him. It made me miss Ricky and it made me proud of how much I have changed and how much I’ve grown.

The best part of reminiscing 2010 was how Ricky and I started from nothing more than being good friends to husband and wife! 😀

Also, it was a wake up call! It’s time to lose the 15 pounds I’ve gained in nursing school and maybe slip into that red bra and daisy dukes once in a blue moon. What’s the harm of bringing out the Wild Khristine?!!

I Want to Meet You, but I Don’t [Desperately] Need Your Friendship.

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Time is so fast when you’re in nursing school. I didn’t even realize that February is almost over!

Where did the time go?

 

The Maternity course is almost over and I am glad that we are halfway through the semester. Plus, it’s starting to get a “little” warm outside. Warm weather after a cold, long winter makes people happy.

This semester has been very challenging and different. I didn’t hang out as much with the “friends” I met last semester. We always studied together, but this time, it seemed that I was merely put aside and casted away from the two girls whom I thought were going to be my closest amigas in nursing school. Apparently NOT since I don’t have kids to take with me so I can mingle with them and that obviously, I cannot speak Spanish. Oh well, whatever. 

After getting used to being alone and not having a set of friends (besides Ricky), I decided to embrace the beauty of being “alone.” I like having the independence of meeting new people in nursing school, connecting with them through the common frustrations we have from nursing school, not creating drama with anyone, and most of all, I love doing things on my own. I don’t have to worry about going out of my way to keep friends. I no longer have that pressure. I used to dread the idea that all my old friends had their own groups and I was out- of -the- loop. In fact, a quarter of my blog had been about my depression and how I don’t have any good friends other than Ricky. My depression went on for a year, until I started school again. Thanks to nursing school, I am happy that it made me very busy and preoccupied me with things to do rather than waste my time and wait for people to come into my life. 

 

I’ve had a love and hate relationship with Nursing. 

I hate that I have to spend hours and hours of studying just to pass, but I have so many reasons why I love it. One of them, being that I meet people who have *almost* the same interests as me. They are all trying to get through nursing school like me. Outside of school, they have different characters, which I am most interested in. However the downside of it is that I’ve met some whom I’ve been close with in the first semester and then we’ve grown apart over the next months. It’s normal and I’ve grown to accept it.

I like to meet people and I’m not really looking for any best friends or a set of friends. I only want to be in the company of people- whether they stay or go. 

I’m just really happy that in every semester, I’ve met quite a few people and I don’t feel entirely alone anymore. Plus, student nurses make a great support group!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m so tempted to take you all back.

 

I hate making rash decisions every time I’m PMSing. Usually around that time, I am very lonely, depressed and jealous of the world. My self-esteem is very low and I desperately need some kind of company. I don’t know what led to the event of calling someone from my past and giving that person another shot in my life, but to this day, I deeply regretted it. 

 

Wait the minute… If you’re assuming that I hooked up with someone from my past- NO. It feels like I did, but it’s not even close. 

 

There’s this guy (it usually starts off like that doesn’t it?) named Jason, who is the best friend of Mr. Nit Picky and Beppe’s ultimate enemy. Jason and I bonded together after Beppe left me in the Fall of 2010 and I ended up meeting Mr. Nit Picky through him. Over the years, we’ve gone out-of-touch, partly because he kept pushing me to date (or hookup) with Mr. Nit Picky in numerous times when in fact, I was unstable to do such a thing after breaking up with Beppe. I didn’t like that Jason and Mr. Nit Picky played games with me, as if I was some trophy to win over. So, on the night of my 21st birthday party, I confronted Jason and Mr. Nit Picky, with a couple of shots under my belt, and that they were a bunch of immature f*cks who need to grow up. In that moment, I finally decided to take them both  out of my life.

Apparently, through the years, Jason tried getting my number from friends and he tried adding me in Facebook. Unfortunately, I never responded nor anyone ever wanted to give my number. He finally got my number after Mr. Nit Picky talked to me after so many years. Ever since then, Jason has been bugging me to call him, which is a habit of him that I distinctly remember that I hated so much. No matter how much “busy” you tell him over text messaging, you’ll hear him ring your phone again and again and again… till you succumb into calling him, which I did out of boredom. Over a very short phone call, I confronted him again about the reason why I decided to cut things off between me and the two of them. However, for some weird reason, I felt desperate to get the old times back when I was the center of attention, therefore I decided to give Jason another shot. To be honest, after two or three phone calls with him, it didn’t sound like he changed even though he clearly told me that he did. He was the same Jason- foul-mouthed, short-tempered and he irrationally jumps into conclusion…. which are qualities that I despise from him.  

There are a lot of reasons why I never wanted to take him or Mr. Nit Picky back. First and foremost, I am done with the flirting stage and getting impressed by “bad boys” who likes cars. To be honest, after four years of not hanging out with them, I strongly feel that I’ve grown apart from them and anyone I’ve stopped talking to in 2010. I like spending my Saturdays at home instead of wearing skimpy clothes just to get Mr. Nit Picky’s attention. I like drowning myself in books instead of wasting my time trying to find an outfit to impress the Sterling boys (Mr. Nit Picky and Jason’s group of boys). I like to spend time with my family even if it involves watching lame Filipino TV shows, instead of going out to the bar with them and discussing about girls and how to score one. I love wearing “plain clothes” instead of putting so much effort to get anyone’s attention. I’m done with all that! 

But… then there’s a part of me wondering if they’ve changed and there’s a part of me that wants to “prove” to them that I’m not the silly, naive and meek Khristine that they used to know. But then again, Ricky asked me:

“Why do you have to prove yourself to others when you can just prove all that to yourself?”

 

Exactly… why should I waste my time in trying to impress anyone when they don’t deserve to see any of that in the first place? (Isn’t that what he said?)

 

But anyways, Jason’s planning on moving back here from Florida for good. He wants to “treat me to dinner” and that he “misses talking” to me. Quite frankly, that’s very weird. It sounds like a date? EWW.

 

I feel like blocking him in Facebook and my cellphone. But then I don’t want to suffer with the what-ifs.

WAIT… what is the what-ifs anyways? Why should I even think of one? 

Gross.

 

So… what should I do?

Every one of us craves to be noticed or to be applauded. We were all raised to be competitive and to make something out of ourselves. We all grew up believing that being admired for achievements or for physical attributes made us feel really good about ourselves. We all want to be a SOMEBODY, someone who everybody could look up to, someone who everybody wants to be and someone who gets to have that “prized poney.”

Who doesn’t want to be admired?

No one.

I recently started my Registered Nurse (RN) Program and I will say that it’s been very tough. It’s very hard to concentrate and it’s so hard to be on top of things because professors throw readings and homework assigns left and right. They pressure us to get into groups and establish a connection with our peers because they all believe that down the road, we will all become “bestest friends.”

Yeah right.

For the past two weeks, I have noticed that a lot of students are trying too hard to stand out. They all want to be that student who gets the “A.” They like to suck up to the teacher, despite how horrible the teacher’s jokes are. I mean… how can I establish connections with people who strive too hard to be someone?

To be honest, I think it’s just me being very insecure. I feel inadequate, as if I’m not trying hard enough to be that motivated student I see in each class. I mean, I do my homework, but I barely read.  I do pay attention in class to the point that I will try so hard to arrive in class 30 minutes early (which doesn’t always happen), just to get in front of the class. If I don’t get the seat in front, I GO MENTALLY BALISTIC inside.

Also, it doesn’t help that I have a “baby face.” I look like I’m 19 and people in my class (almost all of them are 25+) do not take me seriously. I know the answer but half the time, they don’t listen to me- they have to re-check and look at the book. UGH.

I tell all these frustrations I have to Ricky. He told me that I shouldn’t be insecure and that I should always be pacing myself. Who cares if I don’t get to be the teacher’s pet? Or if I didn’t get an A in the class? As long as I’m in my own pace, doing what I need to do, then I’ll be okay. I look at Ricky and he does make sense. He went through his own MLT program concentrating on his own thing and didn’t care what other people do or think. He focused in his own stuff and now he’s working in a lab at a hospital and pursuing his Biology major in the university. What a role model huh? He left his own mark and he’s someone I look up to.

So, in conclusion to my ranting, I should focus on my thing and let the others do whatever they want. After all, we all want to be somebody, but it doesn’t mean that we all have to be the same.

 

 

I make a dozen excuses when friends invite me to go out:

I’m busy.

I’m working.

I have to wake up early.

I couldn’t reply because I’ve lost my phone.

I am studying very hard for a test.  (not really)

I have to pick up my mom from work.

I am very sick.

The REAL reasons why I hesitate to go out:

Because I don’t like to get drunk, no one’s going to drive me home.

Because I don’t have enough money to go bar hopping.

Because those “friends” are intolerably annoying and BORING.

Because the only way I can have fun with them is by drinking alcohol.

Because I simply don’t like to get ready, dress up and go.

Because I’m lazy to drive.

And…

Because I don’t want to be alone. I want to bring Ricky.

The last reason shows how dependent I am with Ricky. That’s bad. When Ricky and I were still friends, I would go to parties alone. I didn’t rely on a boyfriend to come with me. I didn’t really care who was there and I didn’t care if I didn’t have fun. All I wanted was a company of people. Now that I’m dating Ricky, I became skeptical of people and almost dependent on him. I always think that I wouldn’t enjoy anyone’s company without Ricky. I felt so alone and vulnerable when Ricky wasn’t there. It was really awful.

So today, I am supposed to go to my friends’ house. I haven’t talked to any of them in four months after they all forgot my birthday. I almost bailed out on them [again] because Ricky wouldn’t be there. However, I challenged myself to make an effort to be happy alone and to claim that individuality I’ve lost while dating Ricky. I have to make my own friends- separate from Ricky’s guy pack. Hopefully, I am a lot more tolerable with my friends as I tend to be a lot sensitive than usual.

Day 36: In need of a friend.

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It’s 11: 21 pm and I’ve logged into Facebook for the sixth time today. I lied, it’s actually six plus ten, that’s how much it was. As usual, I see people’s updates in my feed- people, not friends (with the exception of my siblings and my mom). I often wonder, why do I keep all 169 people in my list when none of them count as my friends? I think I see the good side in people despite my cynical disposition in their motives, but in all honesty, none of them really care about me.

However, what they love to do is to “like” my pictures, my occasional rants of begging for company, my inspirational quotes, but none of them likes to dial my number to call me or to even write me a “how are you?” on my wall or my inbox. Even with the so-called friends I’ve gotten to know more closely, they haven’t been in contact with me. It seems that alcohol was the only thing that connected us all.

But anyways, it has been like that today and every day. My phone vibrates endlessly throughout the day and the only thing close to having a communication with the rest of the world are spam e-mails on numerous discounts, demanding Facebook requests in fueling people’s obsession with Candy Crush, nagging updates for my phone and Ricky’s texts messages. He’s the only one I’ve been communicating with other than my family’s requests. I mean, it sounds like I should be contented with that, but I’m not.

Recently, my dreams have been weird. Every night, I have been sent back in time when I used to go to school in the Philippines. I was hanging out with my childhood best friend, Stephanie, who was the only person I enjoyed hanging out with before I left for America.  Spending time with her was almost realistic, yet surreal. I didn’t want to leave because my mind was feeding off from what completed me: her friendship. However, my subconscious mind drew a strong parallelism with the reality and my dreams to the point where it all clashed into a twister of confusion and then I was in the verge of not wanting to wake up until it brought me to the edge of reality: my sadistic thoughts and every piece of my worries rushed back to my body to wake me up. It has been like this almost everyday but sometimes, I wouldn’t remember my dreams. I would sleep for hours, sometimes nine to ten hours and I wouldn’t want to wake up. I would set up an alarm to wake me up at exactly eight hours of sleep time, but I strongly urge myself to go back to dreamland. Dreaming was my escape from reality, from loneliness and the pain of being alive and incomplete. It was my numbing addiction and it has kept me sane so far.

Sometimes, I question my sanity. I over think and try my hardest to cheer myself up. However, it’s not always pretty in my head. I envisioned stabbing myself with a knife, wondering how it feels like to have that blunt stabbing pain pressing onto me, puncturing every organ, while my blood trickles down to a huge bloody puddle on the floor. My thoughts of suicide become more vivid when I realize that there isn’t something I’d live for or when I feel the dull silence of loneliness. No one cares as much, except maybe Ricky who half-listens and who half-understands. I tried battling my depression but my inadequacy in terms of my hiatus in my career and failed friendships have led me to be weaker. I lost my spark to look forward in life as if my embers have been scattered elsewhere or have been frozen with the occurring harshness of life. It feels like I’m in a dark tunnel with no end and no signs of light. I tried my hardest to push forth, but it’s all very repetitive. I’ve posted quotes on my mirror and on my walls encouraging me to push and to hope harder- but I happen to see past all of them. The words in those quotes are redundant and they begin to sound empty to me.

I’m trying to find my light- that light that I imagined at the end of the tunnel. I think the main reason why I haven’t given up it’s because I still have a tiny bit of hope- a small, wavering light buried underneath all the frozen embers-still lit but very fragile. I imagine myself- bigger, boastful and certainly satisfied with life. I see myself working in my dream job, meeting co-workers who would eventually become some of my friends, and standing tall and prideful to those who have forgotten me completely when I was weak.

I know that all of these sufferings are temporary because eventually it will all pay off. Not now, not tomorrow, but soon. Life is a cycle and I’m glad that it is or else, how are we suppose to live without going through hell first and then surviving it to make it to heaven?

In this very moment that I’m typing this, I want to be thankful that I’m still living and experiencing this sad part of my life. People are worrying for far greater things than me and they have a million reasons to end it all, but most of them still chooses to live. I want to be a person who becomes a prodigy of success from my depression and not a reminder of pity and of giving up. Right now, I want to accept every inch of my loneliness, every empty space in my heart, and all of my inadequacy. I want to lay out this ugly side of me and all my vulnerability to the world. This is who I am and this is what I have come to accept before I get to the end of the tunnel. I accept all of this because honestly, I don’t give a rat’s ass about it anymore.

So, to my reader, thank you for patiently reading my rambles. I hope I could shed a light into your life no matter how sad or happy you are right now.

Thank you, you’ve made a purpose in my life:

To tell you all my misery that were driving my sanity off the edge and all my hopes that are still keeping me in touch with you.

I sincerely thank you for everything.

Day 29: He is getting sick of you.

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Dear friends,

I’m depressed and I’ve had images of hanging myself in my room- I probably shouldn’t be thinking of that.

My boyfriend Ricky tells me a lot that I am going to be fine that everything is going to be okay. However, the thing is, life hasn’t been okay. On top of that, he’s sick of me because I need to give him his own space. He doesn’t know that he’s the only person I love to hang out with because he’s the coolest among all of them. Apparently, being around me can be sickening to him and the only thing he seems to get around from me is sex. After all, sex is what I can pay him for everything he has done for me. It kinda sucks, but okay, I’ll give him space.

Here’s a few things I’ll do:

Cut the Boyfriend time.

I plan to see him one to two days in a week. Have sex with him one to twice a week (since that’s only how much he can give me and to ask for more will be too much since I’m demanding a lot already).

No more sleeping over.

I’ve said this so many times before, but it seems like sleeping over isn’t something he’d like anymore. He thinks I’m a burden to wake up in the morning, so I think it’s best that I don’t sleep over at his place ever.

Get-in-touch with your old friends.

It doesn’t matter who they are -even if I hate hanging out with them. I must contact them. I need them to get away from Ricky and the world. Ricky has a lot on his plate right now, so why not bother some other people instead.

Make your own friends.

I think it’s better that I stop hanging out with his friends. Those are his own pack and I need my own. I want a few friends whom I can fall back to when Ricky isn’t around. Also, it’s better that he doesn’t hang out with my own friends too. It’s only fair…

He needs his space, then I will give it to me.

No more Skyping. No more weekday visits. Limit spending time with him.

Today, he didn’t get the fact that I am someone who loves the company of people. He thinks that a few months ago, I hated people. Maybe I did because he influenced me to hate them and I’m starting to see that that’s just not me. I love gatherings and I love a crowd of people- no matter how stupid they all seem to be. He prefers staying home, studying and being alone. That’s just not my thing. He thinks that I should love spending time with myself. Maybe it’s not in my nature to sit at home and enjoy that loneliness. Maybe it’s good to lay off on spending time with Ricky since his joy of spending time alone and his “introvert-ness” has been rubbing off on me way too much. It has gotten me miserable.

I am going to do all these before I become too needy, clingy and ugly.

The weather is getting warm and it’s time to take out the old, outgoing, happy-go-lucky and party-hard Khristine for a walk. Friends, here I come.

Day 28: To message ALL 170 FRIENDS

[Image taken]

Hello Insomnia, we meet again.

It’s 2: 36 am and I have been awake- stalking people in Facebook, desperately trying to message old friends who have rotted in my “To Talk” list. Six hours ago, I had a mental breakdown inside Ricky’s car because I was crying for new friends, new routine, new places to eat, new things to do, basically… something different and “new.” I got pissed off over a small thing like a sandwich that Ricky thought was “bad” (as in spoiled) because it had been sitting in the car for 6 hours… I mean come on, there are so many people who can’t eat and he was going to throw that away? It really was a waste.

I don’t know why I was so pent up with so much emotions. I don’t know if it was the fullness of the moon since I seem to always turn into a moody b*tch (a friend called me a werewolf!) or that I was so emotionally stressed out that I had to basically breakdown in tears. Running in the gym didn’t help since I started looking at the people as if they were hamsters running in elliptical machines.

It was a really crazy day.

And now, I find myself unable to sleep when I need to wake up early so I can start my day right.

Not long ago, I was apologizing to old friends for being MIA and thanking them for their existence in Facebook (I’m losing it). My goal was to message all 170 friends, but you know, as I looked through my friend’s list, I started telling myself,

“Oh God, I’m not talking to her, she’s a c*nt.”

“Hell to the no that I’m hitting him up! He’ll think I’m interested in him.”

“Why am I friends with these people? I don’t even like them.”

As much as I dreaded the idea of messaging all 170 friends, I gave up and chose the ones that matter. The ones who deserve an apology from me, like my sister in Singapore whom I haven’t seen or talked to in awhile because I was too busy being a selfish teenager – “back in the day.”

Anyways, I really don’t know what I’m talking about in this post. I feel like my logical balance has gone astray, an aura is overwhelmingly making me moody and I feel more confused over the littlest things. Just in case you are wondering, it’s not PMS-ing. I just had my monthly dues! So yeah… I think my body’s a bit in tuned with nature lately: if it’s cloudy, expect me to be in a really bad and lazy mood and if it’s sunny, expect me to be so happy and with so much energy. I must be mother nature’s manifestation. (#BULL_CRAP)

Okay… I think I need to hit the bed.

Night. I meant, morning.