Day 29: He is getting sick of you.

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Dear friends,

I’m depressed and I’ve had images of hanging myself in my room- I probably shouldn’t be thinking of that.

My boyfriend Ricky tells me a lot that I am going to be fine that everything is going to be okay. However, the thing is, life hasn’t been okay. On top of that, he’s sick of me because I need to give him his own space. He doesn’t know that he’s the only person I love to hang out with because he’s the coolest among all of them. Apparently, being around me can be sickening to him and the only thing he seems to get around from me is sex. After all, sex is what I can pay him for everything he has done for me. It kinda sucks, but okay, I’ll give him space.

Here’s a few things I’ll do:

Cut the Boyfriend time.

I plan to see him one to two days in a week. Have sex with him one to twice a week (since that’s only how much he can give me and to ask for more will be too much since I’m demanding a lot already).

No more sleeping over.

I’ve said this so many times before, but it seems like sleeping over isn’t something he’d like anymore. He thinks I’m a burden to wake up in the morning, so I think it’s best that I don’t sleep over at his place ever.

Get-in-touch with your old friends.

It doesn’t matter who they are -even if I hate hanging out with them. I must contact them. I need them to get away from Ricky and the world. Ricky has a lot on his plate right now, so why not bother some other people instead.

Make your own friends.

I think it’s better that I stop hanging out with his friends. Those are his own pack and I need my own. I want a few friends whom I can fall back to when Ricky isn’t around. Also, it’s better that he doesn’t hang out with my own friends too. It’s only fair…

He needs his space, then I will give it to me.

No more Skyping. No more weekday visits. Limit spending time with him.

Today, he didn’t get the fact that I am someone who loves the company of people. He thinks that a few months ago, I hated people. Maybe I did because he influenced me to hate them and I’m starting to see that that’s just not me. I love gatherings and I love a crowd of people- no matter how stupid they all seem to be. He prefers staying home, studying and being alone. That’s just not my thing. He thinks that I should love spending time with myself. Maybe it’s not in my nature to sit at home and enjoy that loneliness. Maybe it’s good to lay off on spending time with Ricky since his joy of spending time alone and his “introvert-ness” has been rubbing off on me way too much. It has gotten me miserable.

I am going to do all these before I become too needy, clingy and ugly.

The weather is getting warm and it’s time to take out the old, outgoing, happy-go-lucky and party-hard Khristine for a walk. Friends, here I come.

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