The Ghosts of Summer 2010

There’s something different in the air this summer. I can’t seem to pinpoint it, but it feels strangely too calm, as if there’s a rising uproar in the distance. I want to know what it is, but I have this weird feeling that is so similar to what I’ve felt five years ago. It’s strangely familiar yet it feels different.

The people I’ve met five years ago are slowly creeping in. Old friendships are re-kindling, friends who were turned away are once again looking forward to a second chance. Old, forgotten habits are slowly re-surfacing. Could old romances be repeated once again? Maybe not. That’s too impossible. That’s been locked and buried 1000 ft. below sea level.

Pretty soon I’m turning 25. Maybe summer’s going to be different this year. Whether the ghost of the past comes back or not, all I want is to finally have a chance to sip my sangrias without wasting this summer without a nice (fake) tan 😉

Maybe the young Kat will finally re-surface once again. Maybe this time, she’s more mature yet wilder.

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Day 19: A tap on my shoulder

Yesterday, October 2nd, was Ricky and I’s 8th month.

I honestly felt it was only yesterday when we both started dating. It was a feeling that I didn’t have with any of my exes. I felt the opposite with each of them: I felt that I was in a longer relationship, I’ve known them longer and at that time it didn’t occur to me that I was already becoming utterly bored of the relationship.

Ricky felt that we were dating that long, but he didn’t think he is getting bored.

Eh, I shoved the thought- that maybe he was bored- at the back of my head.

Moving on…

Tomorrow is Ricky’s birthday. I decided to spend a few hours with Ricky in campus, since I won’t get to see him tomorrow, because I’ll be subbing for my mom at work and he’s busy with classes and work. I was texting my sister earlier on how I’ll be in campus from 10 am to 5pm, waiting for Ricky with my laptop in the commons while he goes to his classes and then spend those hours with him in between his classes. What a great girlfriend I am, aren’t I?

Apparently, this fascinated my sister and began to worry a little.

SIS: “So… you wait for him in campus for the whole day?”

ME: “Well, mostly half of the day.”

SIS: “Do you do this all the time?”

ME: “Yeah, mostly when he doesn’t have work.”

SIS: “Wow.. you really love him huh.”

ME: “Yep.”

SIS: “Okay, so you go there and you wait for him for hours?

ME: “Pretty much, I mean I have my laptop and stuff to study with.”

SIS: “So, you adjust yourself to his OWN schedule?”

ME: “Yeah… because he’s busy.”

SIS: “Ricky, to me, comes off as a selfish guy. I mean, I know he puts out and stuff, but still.”

ME: “Huh? How?”

SIS: “Does he spontaneously adjust himself to you if you ever become busy?”

ME: “I mean, we’re usually busy together, if not, he’s busier than me. He did say that he usually gives all that he can to make me happy when he has the time.”

SIS: “Interesting. It’s just that, he seemed like he’s more willing to postpone anything for his family more than you. ”

ME: “Well…”

Then that made me go on a huge flashback and my blog has the proof. I remember that time when I had my graduation and he wasn’t able to make it, because he had to go to New York City with his family, even though I’ve told him months before that August is the big month. Clearly, he could have made plans earlier than August to spend time with his family and reserve August for me, but he didn’t. That hit me hard and somehow I couldn’t forget that.

SIS: “I am not trying to say Ricky is a bad guy, but I’m your sister and I’m getting quite concerned about you. It’s just that it seemed as though he doesn’t value you as much as his family.”

ME: “Well, he did say he puts priority on his family, above all else.”

SIS: “His family and him.”

ME: “Yeah… and I remember that time when I specifically made time to go for his pinning ceremony. I remember how I asked to be dismissed early by my clinical instructor so I could make it in time for his ceremony. And I did make it a priority to be on his big day. But you know, this idea of him not cherishing me as much as his family has been lingering in my head for months now. I am aware that I am not yet his wife, but you know, I do have my own needs and priorities that I cherish too.”

SIS: “I want you to realize not to give so much without receiving it the same way. Ricky is in his comfort zone right now and he knows that he doesn’t have to raise one finger because he is fully aware that you are already putting out. This is one of the reasons why couples fall to the entrapment of boredom. Being in the comfort zone. You should make him put out as much as you are doing right now.”

I won’t indulge you with what advice she told me, since I know that Ricky is aware that this blog and its website exists and there is a chance that he can read my thoughts anytime.

ME: “There was also that one time when I insisted that we cuddle for 30 minutes. He thought it was bizarre since he had a test the next morning. Seriously, it was only 30 minutes! I didn’t ask for the entire night!”

Unfortunately, I remember that night clearly, since it was etched in my blog.

So, going back to the initial doubt, “Is Ricky getting bored of me?”

I don’t have a definitive answer to that, but of course, it’s obvious that he’s comfortable thinking that Khristine will always make up for the time that’s lost for us, because he has a busy schedule.

I also remember that time, I was complaining to Ricky that I am able to skip a class on Valentine’s Day so that I could go down to Richmond with him and his sister, even though it was only meant to be a together moment. I was complaining that he, himself, couldn’t even skip a class just to see me, when he, all out willingly, would skip a school day just so he can take his sister to a Gotye concert. You know what he said, out of all that whining I made?

“But babe, you need to put yourself as your own priority. Don’t let things get in the way of your studies.”

I am digging out the past problems and I know it isn’t good, but I felt that they haven’t been addressed- fairly. I do love Ricky, but somehow, I see a flaw that needs to be changed.

I am not asking him to put me above his family. I’m not asking him to put all his time on me. All I want to see  from his side is that he is able to make a sacrifice, not enormously huge, but something significant enough that would tell me, hey, this is the guy, who would do anything for me despite his busy schedule, because he knows that I am worth all that shenanigan.

I want to see him do that voluntarily, not forced.

If he can’t, then maybe… ugh, maybe he doesn’t value me that much as his family. Sadly.

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK! Please… any advice?