There’s a way…

“4 am” by Kaskade was playing in the radio.

It alluded so many memories from seven years ago.

She remembers how far she’s come.

Past loves, past life, past memories were all behind her.

She’s finally reached the temple.

On top of the mountain, she looks on to the sunrise and sings,

Dreams are shining.
Finally they’re within reach.

Advertisements

Let’s start over.

And to think Ricky and I were done, we’re not. Okay, I didn’t say that in a bad way!!! But… I think I need to repair the damages I created… such as telling everyone in my Facebook, my friends and my family that he and I broke up. Oh boy, I wish I could have just kept it all into myself, but I’m a girl. I let it out by opening my mouth! Anyways, you’re probably wondering, what happened? What changed it all when it seemed like there’s no hope?

Well… let’s just say, my heart was giving off signs and that a friend blogger, Fawn, was the final topping to finally giving Ricky a chance to hear his side.

Yesterday, I was set to move on. I was set to study alone and I was going to put myself into the single zone. But it didn’t feel right somehow. I started reminiscing the fun times Ricky and I enjoyed. I remember the reason why I fell for him and why I took all my walls down for him: it’s because I love the fact that I can be myself around him. I can be goofy and stupid together with him and it was just funny and perfect. We made each other laugh over the littlest things. I love the fact that I could listen to oldies jazz with him and listen to live performances without having to think “Oh my gosh, he might not like it… blah blah blah.” I love that I could tell him my frustrations about people’s stupidity because I know he shares the same thing. I love that I could tell him nerdy things I’ve learned in class because my degree and his correlates with one another. I love that he’s nice, gentle, sensitive and most of all, I love that he’ll do anything to cheer me up.

In addition to reminiscing, I started seeing things that reminded me of him. I saw shirts and bumper stickers from the previous university he attended. It felt like everywhere I go, everything reminded me of him. And then, I was sitting on my laptop, looking through my favorite reads and there it is… Fawn’s blog.

This quote from Bob Marley that she posted, totally hit me.

[Image taken]

I started tearing up when I read this. My heart was beating so fast, I could no longer sit on the chair at Panera. I had to leave… I had to patch things up with Ricky even if I initiate it. I have to hear his side on this. I have to hear Ricky before we lose each other completely. I have to take back the person who makes me laugh and the person who makes me strong.

I searched for my phone frantically and I was starting to get pissed off because when I need something, it doesn’t show up. Is this another sign? Not to talk to him? But I had to… I really did.

We went to a place… somewhere where we could talk. I saw the Ricky I know… he was calm yet nervous. He teared up when I repeated Bob Marley’s quote. I think in that moment, I realized, Ricky isn’t perfect. He doesn’t have all the time in the world, but he makes the most of it – with me. He strives hard because “I want a great future for us, Khristine.” Ricky isn’t perfect, but he sure is right for me and that’s all I need to know and to remember.

Ricky is perfect for me, the right guy who truly makes me happy and who truly makes me laugh.

Maybe that break up we had is what we needed. We needed to realize our mistakes, what we needed to work on, why we are together and most of all, we realized how significant we are for each other. When we were apart, we really couldn’t break away. We just can’t. I guess it’s what you call… love. Love that endures.

P.S. Thanks Fawn for posting stuff that speaks the truth and that hits a person’s heart right on the spot!  Keep posting more 🙂 You’re a great inspiration 🙂

Day 11: I failed my exit exam.

Yep. The heading says it all.

I don’t really know why I failed my final – the long awaited exit exam. I’ve taken a plethora of standarized tests that I hoped so hard to prepare me for the comprehensive exit test. By plethora, I meant A LOT. In the month of July, I have taken 3 tests every week. Three of those were comprehensive tests of each course material such as pharmacology, medical surgery and fundamentals of nursing. I passed every single one of them: above average. So what I don’t understand is why the hell did I fail the big test that I thought I’ve worked so hard to study for? WHY DID I FAIL?!

All my summer, I’ve studied nonstop just to pass all those tests. Each week, I craved to stay out, run and enjoy the heat of summer, but I had to keep moving forward. I had to! It was a long year of nursing program with nonstop lecture days and with no winter or spring breaks! Can you imagine me studying for a test on a spring break, when all my college friends are enjoying their time drowning their guts with alcohol? I keep telling myself, “This is for my future. This is for my future. Alcohol and games can wait.” But now that I’m in the end, I’m all burnt out. My head is slowing eating itself, “I need alcohol. I need alcohol. I need to chill.” I’m really tired of studying you know?

Ricky always knows best on how to cheer me up.

Maybe that’s why I failed the big test that I confidently thought I would pass. I didn’t feel like opening my books or studying like I was hungry to learn. I was sick of studying. It feels like whenever I highlight important ideas, which I found helpful for memory, was no longer living up to its own magic. I felt like my brain just wants to shut itself down and it can no longer think. I am very lazy to read, to write and to even understand what’s in the context. So maybe that’s why I failed. I didn’t give my very best. But you know, I think I fought so hard and gave my best earlier in July that my strength and valor has been depleted. My brain power is in battery low. Literally speaking.

Since my program director is very forgiving, she let me retake my test with a price of $100.00. What a rip off right? Bless her heart. Oh well, I just need to pass my damn exit test so I can go ahead and punish the living hell out of the NCLEX boarding exam. Then, maybe I can fully rest and stop ranting on and on.

But really, I can’t believe I failed my comprehensive test. It just puts me back to reading my textbooks and notes. UGH. Please let this torture be done?

Pray  for me that I may pass my retake test. Please?

My best friend Ricky, is now my BOYFRIEND!

Me: “Are you scared?”

Ricky: “Of what?”

Me: “Are you in your safe place?”

Ricky: “What do you mean?”

Me: “How would you take a rejection…”

Ricky: “I would be upset…”

Me: “You said I’ve rejected you twice before. I never intended to you know?”

Ricky: “Yeah you did… I’ve asked you that I wanted to take you out for dinner.”

Me: “But I thought we were just hanging out like friends, so I said no because I was busy.”

Ricky: “How about that time when I was sorta tipsy and told you that you should date me.”

Me: “I thought you were joking so I said no! You were a friend and I never thought you’d be that type of guy I’d date.”

Ricky: “I guess that’s true… I was the guy who never said ‘I love you’ or fell in love. I even asked, what the hell is love? I never understood the concept until I was actually in love.”

Me: “That’s funny, because when you said that, I sorta did want to be the girl who you would first say that to, but then I pushed it in the back of my head.”

Ricky: “Did you?”

Me: “Yep.”

Pauses.

Me: “Lie across from me.  Let’s pretend we’re in a relationship… like we’re acting.”

Ricky: “Okay…”

Me: “Ricky, you’re my boyfriend.”

Ricky: “Umm…Khristine, you’re my girlfriend.”

Pauses.

Me: “I’m dating you.”

Ricky: “I’m dating you.”

Me: “I’m taken, that’s my boyfriend, Ricky!”

Ricky: “Yeah, that girl, that’s my girlfriend, Khristine.”

Me: “We’re… dating.”

Ricky: “We’re… a couple!”

Pauses.

Me: “Okay… we can stop pretending.”

Ricky: “Okay.”

Pauses.

I leaned forward closer to Ricky. I felt his warm breath surround me as I closed my eyes and as I threw my arms around him. I know I want to do this because it seemed so right. I love Ricky. His room was lit up with three spotlights that focused on us and placed us in the limelight.

Me: “Ricky, can I be your girlfriend?”

Ricky: “Um… are we still pretending?”

Me: “Noo silly!”

Ricky: “Oh no… I was going to ask you. Like I had a plan but I didn’t have the time to run my errands. I had my plan all in my head. I can still do it…But of course, the answer is yes!”

Me: “Ricky, you don’t have to make it all grand in asking me to be your girlfriend. I just want us to put emphasis on our relationship more than how we became official. And I love the fact that I wasn’t pressured.”

Pauses.

Ricky: “Wow… and you were there right in front of my nose.” Ricky held me tighter and looked up in the ceiling.

“It feels like we’re in an Indie movie. We only have three people watching and one person just sat up from his chair. This is like a love story that was like this…”  Ricky put his two index fingers up in the air, facing opposite directions from each other,  while I lay my head on his chest. “See we’re like these two fingers. All this time, we’ve been looking in different directions. However, here and there, I was looking back at you, just wondering what would it be like to date Khristine, and then I thought it was impossible.”

Me: “Do you think if we never came down to Richmond for that Halloween weekend, we wouldn’t even think of dating each other?”

Ricky: “I don’t think so. I would have tried a third time.”

Me: “Aww… I love you so much Ricky.”

Ricky: “I love you too Khristine.”

I’m in a relationship with my best friend and I can’t wait to see him tonight!

So… do this mean that the iloveME – for single blog ends its story here?

Not necessarily…

Love,

Khristine- the damsel– no longer- in distress.

Day 26: To be successful…

“Sometimes you have to stoop down to conquer.”

-Joy, president of my nursing school.

“Critical thinking comes with lots of practice.”

 -Josie, my clinical nurse instructor.

“The effort must be total for the results to be meaningful.”

-“Wit” movie