Day 32: Green light.

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Earlier this evening, Ricky and I had another argument again.

I blamed him for being boring and for being too busy. I blamed him for not being spontaneous  enough and for being too predictable. I blamed him for being too boring because he’s studying a lot, so that he can finish school and have a future. I blamed his predictability for his hectic career. I blamed him for not having enough time for me. I blamed him for making me rely on Rover, a guy friend, to fill the “boy friend time” that I should be spending with Ricky. I blamed him for making me feel bored in our relationship.

Earlier, when I was clouded in my own misery, I didn’t realize that Ricky doesn’t feel bored in our relationship. He feels uneasy, inadequate but not bored (not that I know of). In my realization, his life, despite hectic and busy, is a lot more challenging and filled with more important things to do. His life is the complete opposite of what I have. I don’t have a hectic schedule and I don’t have deadlines to stress about. I’m a so-called bum, waiting for my “go-signal” to come. I’m the one who’s bored and I’m the one who’s boring. I hate that I blame my boredom to Ricky when it’s me who has the problem.

Lately, I’ve tried to make myself happy. My self-esteem has gotten better. I feel beautiful, yet I feel sad. My depression has gotten worse. I can’t sleep at night. I think a lot. I literally have to wait for the clock to strike to 5 am in order to sleep or I succumb to Nyquil to help me. I don’t know what’s making me more depressed: my life or being surrounded by problematic people. Recently, I’ve been hanging out with people who are having problems with their love life and it’s taking a toll on me. I over think their problems and I try to see their perspective beyond what they can see. I try so hard to help them by listening but I’ve only made things worse for me: I become their “shock-absorber.”

Truly, I am a wallflower and I am slowly getting sucked into my own endless thoughts and it’s eating me alive. Running doesn’t help much. I like to think that I run and sweat, but I don’t know if I’m really losing weight. I could care less if I lose weight since I know my physical health is okay. However, my mental health has been a little unhealthy. I’ve been depressed, I see shadows moving bigger- as if they are closing in on me. I’ve thought about hanging myself and ending it all and yet, I’m scared to do it, because I still believe that I have a “half full” cup of hope. Also, I am very fake. I put this facade that I’m very happy, but deep down inside, I’m hanging on a single thread and I’m about to fall down into a pit of dark, melancholic abyss. No one knows how miserable I am, except Ricky.

Florence Welch’s “Over the Love” made me stronger.

I feel miserable, but somehow, there is still a small torch of hope- flickering inside me. A “green light” as F. Scott Fitzgerald defined it in his novel, The Great Gatsby: “a single green light, minute and faraway.” These are the moments when I need to keep that torch burning brighter and stronger. I have to sustain my own hope inside me because it’s what keeps me going. I know that I’m in a complete turmoil right now, but I know that all things will work out fine. I truly know this.

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3 thoughts on “Day 32: Green light.

  1. You’re finished school right.. and can’t work.. do you think you’re bored? and maybe even somewhat, deep down jealous of Ricky?
    I know I hit a point a while back.. and even though being a stay at home mom is SO friggin rewarding, we were falling behind on bills this that, and I felt so USELESS. I didn’t just want any job, I wanted to amke a difference…
    I know you’re waiting to work and all that..
    but are you maybe able to Volunteer?
    At an animal shelter.. visit a retirement home? Join a big brother/big sister group and spend time with under privileged children?
    Do you think any of that would give you something important to do, and maybe help make you continue to feel better about yourself?
    I know lately I go to our mall that’s close by with Luci during the day. ALLLLL these old people spend ALL day long in this mall walking and talking.
    There’s one man who they all find annoying.
    He sings the same songs over and over, tells you the same stories over and over..About his siblings, how many he had, how many his mom had, brothers sisters, sons, wife, everything… Over.. and OVer.. and OVER again.. all the other old people walk away..
    so Luci and I go to the mall, just to sit and listen to him talk and hear his songs.
    Give him SOMEONE. and I feel so GOOD about it every single time.
    Also on the weekends that Donny and I just have Luci.. it’s SO slow and quiet.. so we go to the local shelters.. we never take dogs home, but we take them outside, walk with them play with them… hug and love them.. give them some attention…
    Just anything. If I had MORE time I’d do so much more volunteering..
    SEE what there is out there, to get you out and about doing things that will make you feel good as a person..
    These funks are normal .. completely normal. Don’t be too hard on yoruself.. it’s also normal to take it out on your other half, and the fact that you can ADMIT that.. is the first step to CHANGING it.
    ❤ Also I downloaded that APP!. How do I find you

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