4: Spring Cleaning

It’s a beautiful April morning, when one will notice that the trees are either transitioning to Fall or Spring. The leaves are blooming with all sorts of colors, reminiscent of Autumn, but the cool Spring showers are nurturing them to bloom. The morning sky at 6:00 am is a cross between night and morning. It’s still dark in some parts, but the morning light is coming through the darkness. It almost looks as if it’s the afternoon transitioning into the night, but in reality, the morning sun will soon bring in its splendor. The beginning and end is always hard, but really,  life is a big continuum of pauses, replay, forward and go. There’s no stopping, only going.

There’s something new, something big and something unknown that’s about to come into Cece’s life. She doesn’t know what it is exactly, but she thinks it’s because she’s ending a chapter of her life: she’s finally going to be a Registered Nurse. Is it really the ending? Or is it only a moment to recount what she accomplished?  It looks like she’s finally starting a new slate, as if she’s had the chance to fix her mistakes from her past, but in reality, she’s going through changes that are going to have a big impact in her future. Her past has always been with Dante, always striking and always spontaneous. It always finds a way to remind her of what could have been. It was all too beautiful to let go, so she kept him close by, within reach when she’s feeling unappreciated. Then there’s her future with Richard, the perfect best friend- turned-husband, who has been her moral support ever since they were 12-years-old. She knows that in Richard’s arms, she’s safe, she’s stable and she trusts him with her heart that he will never hurt her the way Dante did. Richard is too nice, a quality she almost feels guilty of abusing, whenever Dante lingers in her mind.

One night, Cece and Richard had a petty fight in postponing their long-awaited trip to Europe. They have been planning it for three years, but since both of them are still in medical school, they didn’t have enough money. Cece was mostly the one who demanded to open another credit account to achieve what she thinks was “a once-in-a-lifetime- trip” that they will never have once they commit to their jobs.” Richard hesitated and decided to go to bed early, but Cece was in front of her computer, looking through her friends’ pictures in Facebook. She felt alone, unappreciated and jealous of her friends’ journey to different places. She felt trapped. She wishes she could travel.  “Travel where?” She asked herself. Travel to Italy. Then it struck her: she might see Dante. However, a part of her mind wants to forget Dante so she can be happy. He’s the reason why she keeps expecting a lot from Richard. It’s been nearly five years since she has seen Dante. She thought, it’s about time she let him go, the same way he let her go so easily on that dreary, cloudy October afternoon.

While she was busy looking through her friend, Evalyn’s pictures, Cece wondered, how the hell did she afford to go to Madrid, San Paulo, Bangkok and Sydney? As she was going through Evalyn’s pictures, stalking pages and pages of photos like a vulture, a message from Dante popped up at 12:20 am EST, a delayed response after she sent him a New Year’s message, four months ago:

“Ciao Cecilia, 

Come stai? I’m doing good, thank you for asking. I’m in holiday right now and I would like to share to you that I’m between New Zealand and Queensland. I don’t think we should forget the past, I think it is part of our lives and I will always be happy to remember you and the time we shared. How are things going with Richard? How is everything else? How’s your nursing courses? Aren’t you almost done?”

Cece re-read the message for the 20th time and was finally satisfied with what his letter meant. Actually, she felt offended, downright angry at him:

Is he mocking me? So, he’s in New Zealand and Australia now? Awesome. Guess where I am? I’m in Virginia, the same place where he eft me, stuck with books and school obligations. Past? Does he know how much I long to forget him? Why am I friends with him anyways? I am sooo sick of sounding like an obsessed b*tch while he’s out there enjoying his sweet time with Stella. Why should I keep him as my priority? He wants to be friends? I am DONE.

Cece’s emotions were mixed with anger, despair, neediness and hatred towards Dante. She knew she wants everything to end. She was ready to put her past with Dante away for good. She finally began typing what seemed to be a long, honest letter that she hopes Dante will read, not in the next months, but the next day:

Dear Dante, 

I think I need to enlighten you about a secret that I’ve been keeping for so many years. Don’t take this offensively, but I believe it’s time I pour every truth about you and I. No sugar coating this time. I need to go straight to the point. I have an issue for quite some time now, actually it has been happening for years and I tried telling it to you before, but I have been stopping myself for 5 whole years.

Honestly, I struggled to move on ever since you left that October afternoon for New York, then eventually to Italy. I have never forgotten that moment. To this day, I carry that close to my heart. You might have thought I moved on so quickly from you: I went straight into dating other guys, a month after you left. I tried every effort to erase you in my memory and in my heart because ending things with you was too painful to bear. I dated guys just to forget you but I couldn’t. It’s hard to forget you.

That night you came back to the States, to meet me at the Lebanese Tavern, I was excited to see you. I was on the way actually, I was a street away, but I turned my car around when I found out you were with Stella, your new girlfriend that I didn’t know about. I loved you still that I decided to let you go because I know you were already happy with her. I was hurt that you’ve found her, but I had to let you go. Since then, to this day I have been regretting that moment that I didn’t see you. It might actually be the last moment I finally get to see you. But I shouldn’t regret it. I like that part when you left for New York and I was your girl. I’d rather remember that as the last time I ever saw you.

Listen, I know it’s easier for you to say that we shouldn’t forget things between us, that everything in the past happened for a reason because it has brought us here- today at this moment. It’s been hard for me to remember you and to try and have that same summer again. I still miss you. I still love you. It’s been 5 years and I feel that I’m the only one still holding on to us. You see, we never had a closure for us. I wish we did so that I can move on too. I don’t ask that you leave Stella, no, that’s not my intention. I think that the best thing we can both do, so that you can help me move on, is to cut all communication between us. I love you so much that I want you to be happy with Stella. I don’t want to destroy what you two have and I want to let you go. I think it’s time for me to move on and grow up from that past. I want to stop hoping that you and I will have another chance. That summer was beautiful when you came into my life, I was just moving on from a break up and you saved me. 

Now that there’s a new summer that’s about to start and that I’m about to begin a new chapter in my life, I want things differently, which does not include anything between us anymore. I know I sound rude and that you might hate me, but I think this is the best option for you and I.

Let’s end it all here. Please understand…

Thank you for the past, for that summer that made me grow up and become a stronger person that I am today.

Thank you.

Arrivederci, 

Cece. 

Her spring cleaning has begun.

Cece Dominguez unfriended Dante de Bella.

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7 thoughts on “4: Spring Cleaning

  1. Well done for taking control and making a decision of no contact! Isn’t it funny how the limerenet brain takes every opportunity to turn everything to LO? (“where shall I travel? Italy!”) I also have a “nice and safe” husband, I am really happy that there is no pain in being with him, but sometimes I feel like something is missing-the ecstatic feelings of limerence…But then I remind myself that there is no such thing in a long term relationship, those “in love” feelings always pass after some time…Do you think that by not going to see Dante that time when he was with Stella you subconsciously wanted to hold on to the hope of you being together? The only way out of this is to get rid of every little bit of hope, and when you feel so much pain it doesn’t matter any more if you get embarrassed by revealing your feelings. xx

    • Gia! You’re heaven- sent! I love that you understand what I’m going through! For the first time, I don’t feel different.
      And yes, I do feel that way: I miss the ecstatic feeling, that strong passion of I don’t care if it’ll hurt in the end, as long as I’m cherishing every moment with my limerent. It’s so addicting, it makes me feel so hopeful. Then my mind tells me, “Time passed, you’ve changed, your limerent changed.” Then reality kills that hope.

      That time when Dante came to visit, I wanted to see him sooooo badly even though I was already in a relationship with Richard. I didn’t want to go back to Dante, I just wanted to get that ecstatic feeling of seeing him, nothing more. I’m thankful that Stella came and destroyed that hope… then again, I should have seen him with her so that I can finally have that closure. Darn~! I just realized that now!

  2. Ah, thank you K! I do not like anybody suffering because I feel the pain too, knowing what it’s like. Yeah, exactly same feelings here, it’s like a drug, your brain overrides any reason just to get the fix of ecstatic feelings, but the price is too high. Maybe it would have helped if you saw Dante and Stella together, maybe not…You might get another opportunity, it would be very painful, possibly awkward, but it could help. I emailed you the link I promised. Take care Gia xx

    • Thank you Gia! Maybe my next trip to Australia, where is currently residing, will be the best place to end this. I might need to bring my husband so I don’t feel so awkward! Thanks for sending the link! I’m checking it out right now 😀

      • You are welcome! I understand, if nothing worked for me to stop the craziness, I would go too. There is nothing worse than feeling this miserable. It’s great you have such support in your husband! Does he know? I tried telling mine when we first met, but the jealous look in his eyes stopped me and for many years I kept it as a terrible dark secret, and I think that’s what made it even worse! I was so relieved when he was ready to hear it and when I was ready to tell him. Good luck! xoxox

      • Honestly, my husband knows this blog I made. He knows about it when we were still bestfriends and he knew that I would talk about Dante. However, recently, I’m not sure if my husband has been reading any of my posts. I doubt he does because he would have said anything, then again, he wouldn’t. I would have to fish it out from him. I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it with him. It’s quite complicated I guess because then he’ll wonder… do I still love Dante? Ugh, in a way, I kind of do… but I love the past and I don’t know if I love the present Dante. It’s complicated! haha

  3. I understand, it is tricky. My husband knows about my blog, but he doesn’t read it, I hope! I haven’t decided yet, if I let him, although he is curious. By writing anonymously I can open up and write really honestly, which I think I couldn’t, if people I know would read it. I am planning to publish my story as an ebook, so maybe when it’s all done and edited, I might give him a choice to read it, I don’t know, I don’t want to hurt him, we will see!

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