I want to scream because I feel this ’emptiness’ inside me grow bigger that it starts to hurt. I feel so lonely and isolated. After all, isn’t this what I’ve asked for? People would leave me alone and let me be. But it seemed as though they’ve tossed me aside- like some side dish to their main course. But really, I feel like I want to scream and cry, but I cannot bring myself to do any of that.
The idea of “being happy by yourself,” and without depending on other people for happiness was initially suggested by Ricky. He believes that I shouldn’t rely on people to make me happy or for the sake of having company. [But aren’t human beings social by nature?] He thinks that I shouldn’t chase after people and let them come to me… blaahh blahh blahh.
What he doesn’t understand is that we’re different. He’s introvert and prefers spending his quiet nights playing his guitar, watching YouTube videos, getting amused aroused by the pictures in Chive and jerking off on some blonde b*t*ch in pornland. I, in the other hand, would prefer either spending the night by crafting alone [when I have no one to hang out with] or to hang out with people [who doesn’t heavily chug alcohol like it’s water] and by people- I mean, friends who I can be myself and be spontaneous with!
I think Ricky has it easier with everything else. He’s got friends from high school whom he can call whenever. I can’t do that because I didn’t have friendships in high school that survived this long. I know of some people whom I used to hang out with, but it’s been years and if it’s anything, we’ve only hung out because of a project we had to do.
The main root of my friendship disappointments stretches back to when I first came here in America. We moved a lot before we settled in Virginia and it has been tough trying to make friends because I knew those friendships won’t last. Then when we finally settled into Virginia, I dated my first boyfriend, Dave, when I was 16 and I was utterly naive. I wouldn’t spend time with any school mates because I knew I was comfortable with him and having friends didn’t seem like it was necessary at that time. After three years of dating Dave, I felt utterly alone because he was the only friend I’ve got. Eventually, I found friends, then ditched them for a new boyfriend, we broke up, then I try to find friends then have a new guy… etc. It has been a cycle.
In all honesty, I’ve got more experience in dating instead of handling friendships. I am very skeptical of people’s motives; therefore, I don’t usually keep them close. The only ones who pursued in getting my trust were men who were willing to date me. Other than that, I haven’t met anyone at this point, who wanted me to trust them. Maybe I do, but I’m just being too stubborn and too picky.
Hopefully, this feeling gets better eventually…