Here I am! I CAN SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“The past the present and the future are all side by side hand in hand.”

– Kate Havnevik, “Unlike Me”

Here I am, in this very moment, when time is just a word we try to grasp and try to visualize. Here I am where my emotions can only be felt when my memories are flashing right in front of my eyes. I am in a space where I’m looking at a panoramic view of my dreams, my failures and my comebacks. Here I am standing stiffly on a cliff, ready to take a plunge and to begin a new chapter.

I can’t believe that it’s been more than five years since I was at the bottom of the staircase, wondering when life will finally turn around for me. I remember being so lost and I had no purpose. Now, here I am, almost surrounded with stars and I can breathe a little better and at ease. I’ve come a long way.

I’m no longer lost, but I’m scared of the unknown. I’m not used to the good things that are starting to appear. I’m scared that if I take my guard down, or that I indulge to the sweet life I’ve accomplished, I’ll be lost again. Is this  a trap? Or am I finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel?

Five years ago, I had a hostess job, I got paid $12/hr, I was appreciated by my looks and not with what I did. I served rich, overindulgent snobs who thought I was one of those girls who likes to have a sugar daddy. I didn’t feel satisfied where my life was going. I wanted to become someone or to do something so fulfilling and purposeful that gives a worldly impact to those who needed my help. I wanted to become a strong person, someone to look up to, and I wanted to become the girl who was more than just a pretty face. I’ve imagined my 25- year -old self to be successful but I don’t know with what. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be that girl.

If I didn’t quit my hostess job five years ago, where would I be now?

Now, here I am, look at me, here I am! I am expected to graduate as a Registered Nurse in May. I have sacrificed so much, I’ve worked harder and I’ve come so far. I’m going to be someone and I am going to do good in this world. This is another beginning and I’m looking forward in growing and in becoming someone whom I am met to become. I am so grateful for the bad and good things. I AM SOOOOO PROUD OF MYSELF!

To God, thank you. To my family, thank you. To my husband, thank you for inspiring me to become the “someone” I’ve imagined five years ago!

To my readers who are reading this, thank you for reading bits and pieces of me while I was in the process of finding myself and in finally, growing up.

Day 26: I’m still one lucky gal

 

Despite the fact that half of my life is in disarray and that there’s a burning anguish in the back of my head because of the things (like job) that are so unobtainable, I still believe that I’m one heck of a lucky girl.

I have something that few people have found and I’d say it’s my luck and that’s what keeps me going. Even though at times, this “luck” doesn’t seem to work, it still catches me in my lowest days. It doesn’t judge me, yet it keeps me stronger.

I have something so true and so powerful that so many have wished to have it. Some may never know how to ever obtain it or to hold onto it, but it came to me when I least expect it.

By luck, I don’t mean anything to do with a shamrock or a shamman’s blessing or a charm, but something that’s so intangible.That’s how powerful it is! No one can ever obtain it but me and that’s how special it is.

All I can really say is, I’m so lucky to be with Ricky, who’s unconditional and caring love has saved me from ending my life so early. Even when we were only friends, he inspired me to be the best person that I can be and if it were not for him, I don’t think I’ll be this much stronger, happier and content with how my life is turning out to be.

Compared to all the guys whoever walked into my life, Ricky is truly one amazing guy!

So yes, I’m so lucky to be that girl who found that special someone whom I can share a bit of laughter and that warm connection with!

Day 19: A tap on my shoulder

Yesterday, October 2nd, was Ricky and I’s 8th month.

I honestly felt it was only yesterday when we both started dating. It was a feeling that I didn’t have with any of my exes. I felt the opposite with each of them: I felt that I was in a longer relationship, I’ve known them longer and at that time it didn’t occur to me that I was already becoming utterly bored of the relationship.

Ricky felt that we were dating that long, but he didn’t think he is getting bored.

Eh, I shoved the thought- that maybe he was bored- at the back of my head.

Moving on…

Tomorrow is Ricky’s birthday. I decided to spend a few hours with Ricky in campus, since I won’t get to see him tomorrow, because I’ll be subbing for my mom at work and he’s busy with classes and work. I was texting my sister earlier on how I’ll be in campus from 10 am to 5pm, waiting for Ricky with my laptop in the commons while he goes to his classes and then spend those hours with him in between his classes. What a great girlfriend I am, aren’t I?

Apparently, this fascinated my sister and began to worry a little.

SIS: “So… you wait for him in campus for the whole day?”

ME: “Well, mostly half of the day.”

SIS: “Do you do this all the time?”

ME: “Yeah, mostly when he doesn’t have work.”

SIS: “Wow.. you really love him huh.”

ME: “Yep.”

SIS: “Okay, so you go there and you wait for him for hours?

ME: “Pretty much, I mean I have my laptop and stuff to study with.”

SIS: “So, you adjust yourself to his OWN schedule?”

ME: “Yeah… because he’s busy.”

SIS: “Ricky, to me, comes off as a selfish guy. I mean, I know he puts out and stuff, but still.”

ME: “Huh? How?”

SIS: “Does he spontaneously adjust himself to you if you ever become busy?”

ME: “I mean, we’re usually busy together, if not, he’s busier than me. He did say that he usually gives all that he can to make me happy when he has the time.”

SIS: “Interesting. It’s just that, he seemed like he’s more willing to postpone anything for his family more than you. ”

ME: “Well…”

Then that made me go on a huge flashback and my blog has the proof. I remember that time when I had my graduation and he wasn’t able to make it, because he had to go to New York City with his family, even though I’ve told him months before that August is the big month. Clearly, he could have made plans earlier than August to spend time with his family and reserve August for me, but he didn’t. That hit me hard and somehow I couldn’t forget that.

SIS: “I am not trying to say Ricky is a bad guy, but I’m your sister and I’m getting quite concerned about you. It’s just that it seemed as though he doesn’t value you as much as his family.”

ME: “Well, he did say he puts priority on his family, above all else.”

SIS: “His family and him.”

ME: “Yeah… and I remember that time when I specifically made time to go for his pinning ceremony. I remember how I asked to be dismissed early by my clinical instructor so I could make it in time for his ceremony. And I did make it a priority to be on his big day. But you know, this idea of him not cherishing me as much as his family has been lingering in my head for months now. I am aware that I am not yet his wife, but you know, I do have my own needs and priorities that I cherish too.”

SIS: “I want you to realize not to give so much without receiving it the same way. Ricky is in his comfort zone right now and he knows that he doesn’t have to raise one finger because he is fully aware that you are already putting out. This is one of the reasons why couples fall to the entrapment of boredom. Being in the comfort zone. You should make him put out as much as you are doing right now.”

I won’t indulge you with what advice she told me, since I know that Ricky is aware that this blog and its website exists and there is a chance that he can read my thoughts anytime.

ME: “There was also that one time when I insisted that we cuddle for 30 minutes. He thought it was bizarre since he had a test the next morning. Seriously, it was only 30 minutes! I didn’t ask for the entire night!”

Unfortunately, I remember that night clearly, since it was etched in my blog.

So, going back to the initial doubt, “Is Ricky getting bored of me?”

I don’t have a definitive answer to that, but of course, it’s obvious that he’s comfortable thinking that Khristine will always make up for the time that’s lost for us, because he has a busy schedule.

I also remember that time, I was complaining to Ricky that I am able to skip a class on Valentine’s Day so that I could go down to Richmond with him and his sister, even though it was only meant to be a together moment. I was complaining that he, himself, couldn’t even skip a class just to see me, when he, all out willingly, would skip a school day just so he can take his sister to a Gotye concert. You know what he said, out of all that whining I made?

“But babe, you need to put yourself as your own priority. Don’t let things get in the way of your studies.”

I am digging out the past problems and I know it isn’t good, but I felt that they haven’t been addressed- fairly. I do love Ricky, but somehow, I see a flaw that needs to be changed.

I am not asking him to put me above his family. I’m not asking him to put all his time on me. All I want to see  from his side is that he is able to make a sacrifice, not enormously huge, but something significant enough that would tell me, hey, this is the guy, who would do anything for me despite his busy schedule, because he knows that I am worth all that shenanigan.

I want to see him do that voluntarily, not forced.

If he can’t, then maybe… ugh, maybe he doesn’t value me that much as his family. Sadly.

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK! Please… any advice?

Day 17: Coffee date with an ex?

Ricky asked me a question one day:

“Is it alright to meet your ex or anyone you’ve seen over a cup of coffee to catch up?”

ME: “Of course not! Why would you agree to that in the first place?”

RICKY: “You know, just to catch up, to see how things turned out for the other person.”

ME: “Well, I don’t know.”

RICKY: “I mean wouldn’t you do that? I think you’ve done that before.”

ME: “I can’t remember that I did, but I don’t think I’m not okay with coffee because it seemed like it’s a bit too ‘intimate.’

RICKY: “How is that intimate?”

ME: “Because it’s one on one. If it’s a group, where you and her are talking with the other people then I’ll be fine with it.”

RICKY: “Won’t you trust your partner not to do anything with his ex?”

ME: “Yeah… but it’s still…not good.”

From our past conversation, I sound very apprehensive about that horrid idea of Ricky catching up to his first girlfriend, Alexa or any other girl he has formerly been attracted to. I was scared that he’d find her a lot more interesting than me.  But what if, that question was actually really meant for me? What if I did had the urge of catching up with one of the guys I’ve dated over a cup of coffee? Wouldn’t that make me a HUGE hypocrite? Yep, pretty much.

Mr. Nit-Picky, whom I’ve seen for a month in October ’10, wanted to “hang out” yesterday. Since we had a reunion a few months ago, which didn’t turn out great considering how it almost went down with a fight between Ricky and him, I figured I’ll pick a much safer place (without involving the use of alcohol) by choosing to meet at a coffee shop.

I felt a bit hesitant because initially, I’ll sound like a huge hypocrite to Ricky because I believed meeting up with an ex is unacceptable even over a cup of coffee. Secondly, I felt guilty meeting up with Mr. Nit-Picky when I clearly told Ricky that I’ll never want to see him again. I ended up eating all the words I’ve said to him. Those words didn’t taste good at all.

Before I met up with Mr. Nit-Picky, I’ve informed Ricky about my decision to catch up with him. I know that he didn’t like it, but he believes that he trust me well enough not to do anything outrageous. I had a strong feeling that I shouldn’t go- as the weather didn’t approved of it that day: strong winds and heavy rain made me feel reluctant to show up.

My routine earlier that day was a bit too much. It felt like I was getting ready for a first-date, which I felt quite guilty. All that time, I was thinking,

“Ugh… I’m too dressy, I don’t want to look like I’ve put too much effort, he might think I’m interested,

Why am I taking forever?! Why am I putting extra make up on? Wait, that’s good, because then he won’t like me as much.

Okay, I have to make sure that I have enough time to get there

Oh, I should wear this long V-neck shirt, because it makes me look chill, low key and effortless. Then again, I want to be more feminine. I’ll opt for a black slender dress.

OMG. I have got to stop this! I’ll be late for class!”

And what do you know, I was late for class. I hate being late for class because of dressing up. Why do I need to dress up for Mr. Nit-Picky anyways? I felt like I was cheating on Ricky. Then again, it’s not really cheating, it’s just that I wanted to be as fake to him as possible. I don’t want to reveal my true self. Only the special people get to see the real Khristine.

When the short hand pointed to 5 pm, I texted him and wondered if he’ll come since we originally planned to meet at 4:30. As it turned out, he had a huge assignment to do with his group. Originally, my excuse not to show up was somewhere along his lines. UGH… he beat me to it! I got stood up. Fudge. Well, I deserved it.

So, for real. I felt bad because I’ve put so much effort just to see a worthless person who probably preferred meeting at a bar than a coffee shop. Clearly, he wasn’t after my friendship but rather someone to fuck with. Why do I keep giving Mr. Nit-Picky a chance that we could still be only friends and not have anything else beyond that?  Well… obviously, I got the answer. WE CAN NEVER BE FRIENDS!!!

Now, I’ve put myself in Ricky’s shoes which was originally mine, he may not admit it, but he probably felt apprehensive and a bit jealous that I decided to see Mr. Nit-Picky. I am ashamed that I disrespected Ricky. All I wanted was to feed my curiosity of how much Mr. Nit-Picky changed. From my experience, I don’t think he has.

Despite my disappointment, I am able to appreciate Ricky’s trust with me and he’s openness to anything I do. With that being said, I respect Ricky more than anyone else I know and I love him for that.

Day 31: R.I.P. Long Hair…

I have a loss. It’s partially my fault for listening to my dad that I should try having my long locks trimmed by an inexpensive barber-salon place. I should have listened to my guts! I knew it… they only specialized in men’s hair cuts seeing how I’ve had a haircut instead of a trim. I lost about 4 inches and I’m highly disappointed. I lost my long hair… one of my best attributes.

This is almost the same length as my current hair 😦

I graduate in July and I’m hoping that by that time, I’ll have my long hair back with healthier locks. I’m partially grateful because I had most of my split ends cut and I’m no longer battling with my hair because of tangles. It’s like I’ve got a fresh start: a short hair that I will manage to grow healthier again. But… it’s a loss. I feel like I’ve lost part of my femininity.

Now, in hopes to compensate for my loss, I’d like to know how to grow healthier hair with less split ends. Can you lend me a few tips?

 

Day 18: A word of advice

 

I am very grateful for meeting the wisest and experienced people in my life. I find interest in meeting strong women who are older than me. They always have great advices to share, great experiences to tell and most of all, they have the strongest hearts to boast.

My friend, Sally, who wouldn’t reveal her age to me, but a mother of two children (around my age), is taking up Nursing class with me. I sat next to her during break time because she was munching on some sweet, dried bananas that I love so much to snack on. She is from Sierra Leone and she wondered how I am doing with the Sierra Leonean guy, Phil, who I mentioned to her once. Phil and I had a thing in late summer and he seemed to be more interested in me than I was with him. Sally asked me if I was considering on dating him exclusively and I told her that he and I are only friends. I did mention to her that I only wanted friendship with Phil because I couldn’t commit to anyone right now.

Sally went on chatting about her expectations on her daughter’s future boyfriends. She sounded like every parent who very much love their daughter: “I want her boyfriend to be stable, in school, etc.” However, Phil wasn’t in school. He only pursued a Certified Nursing Assistant license and a Medical Technologist license, but not a degree. Sally went on advising me on how I should find a man and what I should be thinking when a man comes along:

You’re young, you’re beautiful, you’ll meet more. With men, it’s never a 100%. You can have an amazing 75% and the rest, you can always tolerate. You can’t have a perfect man, but you can have a tolerable person to be with for the rest of your life. When you meet a guy, you don’t look for the appearance, you look beyond that. If you want a committed relationship, find that potential man who’s got what it takes to hold a relationship: not only financially, not only emotionally, and not only sexually. It’s okay if a man can’t satisfy you completely because of sex, but as long as he is devoted and stable in all other areas, then that’s fine. Would you rather enjoy the night or wake up without anything to eat? Like I said, you can’t have 100% and you can never have a perfect relationship. That’s impossible. But what you can have is someone who has the potential: the potential to be perfectly tolerable and who can provide you a perfect 75% .

 

Then it got me thinking… why do we expect so much when we can be happy with just 75% perfect and only 25% that we can live with even though they aren’t what we have expected?

I love my Ex-boyfriends.

My best mentors in life, whether they know it or not, are my ex boyfriends/ ex partners and my former intimate acquaintances. They are all bastards who broke my heart, who taught me that the sweetest revenge is to rise and to prove my worth to them. Also, they created a monster that would eventually master their mind games and tricks.

I never regret dating every single one of them. I never regret sharing my life, my kisses and even my love for each and every one of them. Never. I never regret telling them “I miss you” or “I love you.” I never regret wasting my time in getting ready every single day just to look good for them. Never. I never regret satisfying them in bed even if sometimes I couldn’t even go on climax. I never regret playing with any one of them who may have a small, medium, pencil head, gigantic, or fat penis. Never. I never regret dating any one of them who never showered, who was inborn with some kind of stink disease, and who wore the same underwear for three days. I never regret dating any one of them who took me out on a top-notched restaurant only to find out that we had to share a dish, or the bill, or even the doggy- bags. Never. Because all of them helped me in creating a list of what-not- to want from a guy.

Men often complain that us gals are too picky and are mostly armed with a standard list of the “Ideal Guy.” We couldn’t blame ourselves because, well, most guys are simply put, animals; literally speaking. We, women, were born to believe that just like in Disney fairy tales, men are gentlemen who can sweep us off our feet with romantic getaways and gallivant rides with white horses. We, women, expect too much only to come into a conclusion that it takes kissing several frogs before we can find our so-called Prince Charming.

We, women, learn to keep a list to weed out the good from the bad. We keep a standard list of what we want from men because we do not want to fall back in our faces- head face straight to the ground. Of course, we do not only make a list of what we want out of our potential next boyfriends, but we also make a list of what we need to improve on ourselves.

I learned from Will that men love competition and they hate easy, clingy and dependent women. Through dating Dave, I learned to keep my life in balance and not to devote all my time on a boyfriend. I learned from Howie not to sleep with a guy after two dates; that’s being easy. Through dating Ian, I learned not to be with a guy who couldn’t satisfy me sexually. I learned from Beppe that no matter how much a woman desires to be the top priority of a man, that will never happen because he believes that his career matters before her. Through dating Mr. Nit-Picky, I learned that friends-with benefits do not work in making two people fall in love, because eventually one of them will have to take the bullet and leave.

Heartbreaks are there for a purpose: to give the heart a boost to sustain and build its own ego. The true purpose of heartaches isn’t to make a person heartless, but to make a person smarter in choosing for a prospective lifetime partner.

Sincerely, I want to give thanks to all the men who broke my heart. Without them, I wouldn’t be able to learn and find myself along the process.