Day 6: Rant. Rant. Rant.

I am very tired.

I work for about 65 hours a week and spend the rest of my time finishing up nursing school- drowned with final tests- and on top of that, I’m also taking one math online summer class which is horribly challenging for me.

I’m working for free.

I work for my mom, err… it’s a long story. I dare not elaborate, but it does involve paying for the house I live in, my car, my gas, and the food I eat, but I never get a chance to actually have the money come out of my bank account, let alone my own pocket. My mom simply takes the money and handles it herself. Fact is, she doesn’t even pay for my tuition. So yeah, bloody effing 65 hours of no pay. I bet you, that 65 hours weekly for $15 per hour is enough for me to move out and have my own place. Do the math. Heh.

I am at the  edge of knocking myself down with a bottle o’ rum and vodka. I am literally drowned in integrated and accumulative tests about drugs, medical pathologies and nursing interventions. A year worth of studying comes down to a month of “connecting the dots” and putting the last “icing” on the cake, as my instructor repeatedly tells us in class. How stupendously annoying is that?! It’s fucking HARD! You literally have to dig into your brain, take out that knowledge buried deep beneath other information that you’ve piled every waking hour, every day, every week and even for months! Tests and clinical simulations are given weekly and if you fail, your failure adds up and if you didn’t make it, you DON’T graduate, which means, you don’t get your diploma, hence you don’t get the “go-signal” to take the nursing licensure exam! Which ultimately means, YOU DON’T BECOME A NURSE AFTER A YEAR OF STUDYING YOUR ASS OFF with no winter and no spring breaks. DAMN.

Taking a math class doesn’t make things easier. In fact, it makes me feel like I’m choking myself to death.  I’ve tried to stuff my brain with formulas, crammed it with computations, and squeezed in a few things to memorize. I definitely know that memorizing problems wouldn’t benefit me and I’d probably lose my memory on the day of the test. But hey, if that’s what I need to do to pass, then so be it.

I know my mom needs to go back home to the Philippines and tend to my dying grandmother, but I am literally very tired and it’s not giving me any justice to open my books and study.  Rather than studying, My brain only wants to shut itself off in hopes of compensating for sleep. So how am I suppose to study? I need sleep first.

Honestly,

If I wasn’t studying for my nursing license, I don’t mind working 65 hours weekly with no pay. I really don’t.

But if I have something else far more important to do, like say… pass my exit exams to get my diploma so that I can take my board exam, then I think I deserve to have at least some kind of break- from working.

I feel like… almost giving up and just shutting my eyes off and crying.

I really want to pass and I’m very scared that I won’t.

I’m so tired.

Please… pray or hope so hard that I would pass.

Please?!

Day 3: A Rant.

I want to be single. Almost all of my relationships lasted for a maximum of 3 months and I felt as if I had a new boyfriend or boy-toy every season. It has become harder for me to restrain myself from indulging to the idea that meeting other guys is not bad. And to still get in touch with ex-boyfriends, just as long as there is no physical contact, will not harm me at all. However,

I personally don’t like it when an ex boyfriend randomly sends me a message because he’s feeling lonely.

I’m fine the way you left me, so please, leave me be.

I’m not dumb. Just because I’m quiet about your posts in Facebook doesn’t mean I don’t know anything.

Two weeks ago, you were adoring one girl from Hawaii and now you want my number and you want to see me?

Honestly…

I’m not a substitute and I’ve had it with you. I’ve given you more than two chances already.

I’m sooo done! 

Listen.

“Khristine. Listen.

I know it’s hard. From what I see, you’re trying to make yourself look good to you and to your parents.

I know it gets really frustrating that you have to work and study extra harder and sacrifice your social life.

I know that you haven’t lost all your friends. They’re still there. You don’t see them, but they are around.

It’s normal to breakdown like this… to feel dramatic. I know that you want drama because your life as it is, is dull.

You want something fun and you want something that would make you feel good. I understand that.

Although, I may have demons myself, you can always talk to me.

I won’t leave you crying alone because I like you too much and I care for you.

If I didn’t, I would have said, “Fuck it, she’s on her own and I’m going to a club and take home a chick.”

But I didn’t… because I like you too much…

All of these that you’re going through is hard. But if you stay… see, if you stay and keep on doing what you’re doing, you’ll succeed.

Someday, you’ll look back at this moment and you won’t feel sorry at all.

So… smile. Life isn’t too bad as you might think it is.”

– Dimitry.