I have been cheated twice in my life.
You see, I thought best friends turned -boyfriends were harmless. I fell for the idea that friendship is the best foundation to any relationship. Sadly, it didn’t work out with me and Ricky.
I regret bragging to everyone that he’s the “one.” I’m even embarrassed to post my “single” status in Facebook and I’m humiliated by the fact that my parents and my siblings trusted Ricky so much that they treated him like a family. He did not only break my heart, but he broke the hearts of the people who cared so much about me.
Everyone thought he loved me so much that he would never ever let me get hurt. My dad even thought he was the “real deal” only to find out that he was just like my first boyfriend: a selfish cheater.
Shame on me for letting this happen twice in a lifetime.
I wish Ricky told me what was going on his mind though. I think it would have changed everything.
I’m very exhausted. I haven’t slept in 24 hours, haven’t eaten anything and I haven’t studied for my two tests tomorrow.
I want to remember all these pain I’m going through:
My best friend broke my heart and left me with no one to talk to.
The image of him having sex with someone while he’s naked in front of a live web cam with a girl has been glued in my mind.
The person whom I thought was my knight -in-shining armor turned out to be another, “frog.”
I poured my heart you see? I’ve dropped all my guy friends just to stay loyal with him.
He won’t speak what’s in his mind and I never knew what he felt about everything until I force him to tell me.
He was willing to let me go so easily just to let me do whatever I want and all along, he was doing whatever he pleases him that’s why he probably thought it was okay for me to hang out with guys so that it’ll be fair with his live webcam obsession.
I wanted time from him… he gave me a credit card for shopping instead. I wanted him to record the song he made for me in our anniversary, but he always said he’s too busy, recording the music will take a lot of work and that he can’t just ditch his priorities for things like that. He was up until 3 am every single night, doing live sex chat with women. I don’t know how he could be THAT busy, until I figured out that he was in fact, THAT busy trying to please himself and some women via private webcam. He was paying women to please him! All I needed was time, but like what he did to those women, he “paid” me by giving gifts because he can’t give me his TIME.
So, today… I decided to cut myself out from his life. I’ve always attempted to and this time, I’m setting my foot on the floor and sticking to this. I’m giving him his TIME back. ALL OF IT. He can spend it with his family, his friends, his studies and his live chat women. There won’t be naggy Khristine, no more crazy b*tch of a girlfriend and no more spending money to satisfy her.
He broke my trust. I trusted him. He knew better not to hurt me this way since I’ve been cheated before. I told him my experience more than once.
In fact, he didn’t think live sex chat was cheating at all:
All he said was, “I didn’t know that you would actually get hurt. I didn’t know that it was cheating.”
He didn’t because he didn’t care enough about what I feel about it. Clearly, all those times that he was intimately interacting with women, he NEVER, NOT ONCE did he ever admit everything to me.
I know it’s all virtual, but he was interacting with REAL WOMEN. If you could only put yourself in my shoes, I think you’d throw your laptop away because he meant everything he said:
“I want to f*ck you baby. I love your smile. I love your nice butt. Oh damn… yes, I want to pound you.”
The most painful thing is, after we make love and when I left, he’d go straight to the computer and have sex with other women in there. What really bothered me while I’m processing all this is, as we’re doing it, am I turning him on or he’s turned on with a different woman in his mind?
I only have sex with him once every week now and he’d go have sex with any woman more than he’d do me. I compromised with his busy schedule and never nagged him to give it to me, only to find out that he’s been getting it from somewhere else.
I love him so much that I would do anything to work everything out. But he didn’t see me after all this. He didn’t tell me the live sex chat.
Ricky LIED to me. He WASN’T honest. He didn’t listen to what I needed: Time.
If I didn’t find out all that live web cam BS, when will he stop? Will he do it when we’re having bigger troubles along the way?
Sure, he didn’t have sex with an ACTUAL WOMAN physically, but he was interacting in a private room, naked, with a REAL WOMAN. I don’t care if it’s virtual, that sh*t is real! Until when was he going to keep me in the dark?
It was all a waste. I loved him so much. I trusted him so much. My family loved him so much. He blew it all away because he was “too horny.” I know I have my flaws, but I NEVER stoop so low to cheat on him. I told him EVERYTHING even if hearing the truth was painful.
I’m hurt. I’m really really hurt.
I don’t know if i’ll ever find the strength to forgive him. Eventually maybe, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget what he did.
Today, for a second there, I saw Dave’s face on his. It was that SCARY.
“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”
-The Mourning Bride by William Congreve
To my reader,
I’m really sorry if you’re reading this and it’s all mismatched and unedited. I had to pour out everything I feel or else I’d go crazy.