Here I am! I CAN SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“The past the present and the future are all side by side hand in hand.”

– Kate Havnevik, “Unlike Me”

Here I am, in this very moment, when time is just a word we try to grasp and try to visualize. Here I am where my emotions can only be felt when my memories are flashing right in front of my eyes. I am in a space where I’m looking at a panoramic view of my dreams, my failures and my comebacks. Here I am standing stiffly on a cliff, ready to take a plunge and to begin a new chapter.

I can’t believe that it’s been more than five years since I was at the bottom of the staircase, wondering when life will finally turn around for me. I remember being so lost and I had no purpose. Now, here I am, almost surrounded with stars and I can breathe a little better and at ease. I’ve come a long way.

I’m no longer lost, but I’m scared of the unknown. I’m not used to the good things that are starting to appear. I’m scared that if I take my guard down, or that I indulge to the sweet life I’ve accomplished, I’ll be lost again. Is this  a trap? Or am I finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel?

Five years ago, I had a hostess job, I got paid $12/hr, I was appreciated by my looks and not with what I did. I served rich, overindulgent snobs who thought I was one of those girls who likes to have a sugar daddy. I didn’t feel satisfied where my life was going. I wanted to become someone or to do something so fulfilling and purposeful that gives a worldly impact to those who needed my help. I wanted to become a strong person, someone to look up to, and I wanted to become the girl who was more than just a pretty face. I’ve imagined my 25- year -old self to be successful but I don’t know with what. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be that girl.

If I didn’t quit my hostess job five years ago, where would I be now?

Now, here I am, look at me, here I am! I am expected to graduate as a Registered Nurse in May. I have sacrificed so much, I’ve worked harder and I’ve come so far. I’m going to be someone and I am going to do good in this world. This is another beginning and I’m looking forward in growing and in becoming someone whom I am met to become. I am so grateful for the bad and good things. I AM SOOOOO PROUD OF MYSELF!

To God, thank you. To my family, thank you. To my husband, thank you for inspiring me to become the “someone” I’ve imagined five years ago!

To my readers who are reading this, thank you for reading bits and pieces of me while I was in the process of finding myself and in finally, growing up.

Khristine-Claus.

You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I’m telling you why
Khristine-Claus is coming to town
She’s making a list
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out Who’s naughty and nice
Khristine-Claus is coming to town


Since this year has been such a hell and a blessing for me, I think it’s by far the bestest I’ve ever had.

I decided to give away presents to show how much I appreciate and I’m thankful of all the people who uplifted me to become a better person this year.

This is something I’ve never done before because I’ve always expected to receive something from other people. This has been a selfish deed that I have acquired over the years and I want to change it.

2010 has been a great year. It has been a rockin’ rollercoaster. It was a hell to the point that I almost killed myself of a terrible 3-year relationship break-up. Nevertheless, I have been given so many great things beyond my expectations and therefore I decided to share the goodness (karma) around.

I don’t want any materialistic things in return. I only want to keep my recent acquired friendships to grow longer and become stronger. And most of all, I’d love to see my smile reflected on people’s faces. I want to leave people’s hearts touched with a simple gift and a memorable card that would make them feel like they’ve done such a great thing to an individual’s life this year. I want them to end this year with so much happiness even if it was just a second.

Who knew shopping can be such a hustle! I’m a poor college student and I have a LONG list of people to be grateful for! It’s very easy to find presents for young and blooming women, but it’s difficult to find presents for men who are either  young or old. So bargains are my best friend and researching has been a great tool to find presents that will suit every individual’s interest.

Christmas is in less than a week and I haven’t finished my shopping and I haven’t even started on wrapping my presents. Even though I know that I’ll be broke by the end of the month, I hope that my heart will be as wealthy as a drug lord, but with the exception of I, having to be loved by so many and hated by a few. I hope to heal my broken and beaten heart with happy smiles from the people I care for.

I want to end 2010 with a good note and with so much love.

Thankful.

Almost a year ago, I had the most heart-aching break-up.

I found my 3-year boyfriend, Dave, in the shower with one of our friends. What made me walk in to that scene was completely based on my intuition: my sixth sense per se. I remember kicking and stomping at him and wanting to assault on the so-called friend, Vicki, whom I comforted earlier that week because her boyfriend cheated on her with her roommate. It was heart- aching and I felt myself betrayed by my partner who is also my bestfriend and my boyfriend. I remember walking out of that god-forsaken house: my entire body frozen, my face drenched in tears, and my heart beating so fast as if I was running away from an ax-murderer. I walked out of that house, swore to myself never to turn back and never to return to Dave.

January was the hardest month that I’ve endured. I didn’t know where to begin. I hated myself but I knew that somehow, I had to start somewhere and I had to start with forgiving myself.

Looking back, 10 months have gone by and that memory seemed so far away; nevertheless, it seems so insignificant. I feel aloof of that thrust-throwing and heavy-breathing I had felt earlier this year. The reason why it seems so insignifcant now, because of the events that followed right after the horrendous break-up. I am thankful that I broke up with Dave and I am thankful to find him and Vicki in the shower: both oblivious of me entering the house on that Wednesday morning.

If I didn’t break up with Dave, I wouldn’t have:

– found a job that provided me the money to become independent.

– re-united with my old friend Rami, who eventually became my bestest friend.

– met such great co-workers who eventually became my awesome and closest friends.

– enjoyed a summer with new friends who became my mentors.

– been in love with myself.

– known that there is life after the “storm.”

– grown- up into an “independent and strong young lady.”

– been optimistic about life and about being in love again.

– ever imagined that there are truly tons of guys out there who have been interested with me.

– met Beppe, an Italian romantic, who swept me off my feet.

 

I’m thankful, truly thankful that I didn’t gave up on myself completely.

I’m thankful that I had a chance to restart a new life and a new journey.

I’m thankful that I found friends and finally found myself.

 

I am very lucky indeed!