A Red Bra and a Pair of Daisy Dukes.

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I am a sentimental soul, who hoards letters, notes and even gift tags, given to me by several people, who has graciously left me their small mementoes to remember them. I usually have several boxes: a pink BCBG box for Ricky’s letters, a huge brown box for everyone else: exes, family, friends, relatives, etc, and a box, which I forgot what it looks like, designated to Beppe’s gifts. I never mix them all, with the exception of one letter that I accidentally stumbled upon a few nights ago.

It all started when I was looking for my former boss’ address. I wanted to send her and her husband a Christmas greeting card because I wanted to return the favor of sending them a joyous greeting, the same way they do on every holiday. As I was going through a pile of letters in the brown box, I stumbled upon Beppe’s last farewell letter to me before he went to Italy. I honestly did not want to open it, but I did. I momentarily opened it and saw that there were two CDs inserted in the envelope. I did not read the letter, instead, I returned the letter in the envelope then I tossed it back to the box and went on with my business in sending the greeting card.

It wasn’t until last night when my curiosity was heightened. I decided to look for the letter, not read it, but explore what’s inside the CDs. As I opened the CD’s contents in my computer, pictures and videos were lined up in the folder for me to see. I saw the young me, the young Ricky (which was my favorite to see; he has changed so much! A lot more handsome than before!), and the immature side of the Gang. The pictures gave me a terrible nostalgia: I hated how I acted in the videos: a mental drunkie and a drama queen. I wasn’t proud of seeing my 20-year-old self prancing around with nothing on, but a red bra and a pair of daisy dukes. I was craaaazy. Tanned, hot, but crazy. The worse part of all, was seeing Beppe and I in our most intimate moments. I cringed and I felt my stomach sick as I saw myself making out with Beppe. Ricky was suppose to be in those pictures! I used to cry about those moments of Beppe and I, then I wished that they would happen again. Now, I honestly despise all those memories. I hated how Beppe sounded, he was too hairy, he always snapped at me when I was drunk (I couldn’t blame anyone, but Ricky never screamed at me even when I was in my craziest state), but there was something about Beppe that I didn’t notice before, maybe it’s the fact that he is part of me that I thought was unforgettable, but I failed to see that our relationship was simply a summer fling, temporary and it has no future. I hated my immature side and I felt sick of seeing him. It made me miss Ricky and it made me proud of how much I have changed and how much I’ve grown.

The best part of reminiscing 2010 was how Ricky and I started from nothing more than being good friends to husband and wife! 😀

Also, it was a wake up call! It’s time to lose the 15 pounds I’ve gained in nursing school and maybe slip into that red bra and daisy dukes once in a blue moon. What’s the harm of bringing out the Wild Khristine?!!

I love Me.

I love that I am imperfect.

I love that I make mistakes and whenever I fail,

I always manage to pull myself up.

I am my own enemy at the same time,

I am my own hero.

I love that about myself.

Karma is a B*tch

I will never forget that day when an ex, who cheated on me, told me, “No one will ever want you. Just look at you. No guy will ever want to be with you.”

Fast forward a few years later, I’m married with someone and my ex is still single, desperate for someone to love him in return.

Karma is a bitch.

Down the memory lane we go again!

I’ve been losing my mind in memory lane lately. I think I know why…

The most fun I’ve had in a long time was about 3-4 years ago when I was a thousand miles away from my nursing books and not knowing what I wanted to become in my life. I threw all my inhibitions out the window, enjoyed meeting guys left and right, got drunk until dawn, passed out on someone else’s couch or bed, caused terrible drama on who gets attention and what not, and I had no ounce of concern about others feelings, but myself.

Today, I am buried in my books, all I can think about are upcoming tests every two weeks, trying to catch up on reading and what the hell do I wear for school the next day? Actually,  I don’t even care what I wear. Sometimes I secretly repeat what I wore the day before yesterday. I am basically too busy to care for myself! Also, I re-gained the weight I’ve lost over the summer. Great. My pants will never fit me. EVER. Here’s sticking to tights for another semester or two…

I miss my carefree side. No nursing, no books, no school and absolutely no inhibitions.

Limerence

It’s been four years since we called it quits. It’s been four years since I saw you and my mind still lingers to what could have been…

But I’m getting married on Wednesday and I can’t keep dwelling on you anymore. I am in love with the idea of being with you, but to devote my entire lifetime in hopes of loving you is delusional.

I’ve had enough of you Giuseppe Iemma. I’ve held onto you longer than I’ve wanted to. So today, this moment at 10:21pm, I’m deleting you forever. Hopefully, this will give me the closure and peace that I deserve. This will give us a chance to finally go through our paths separately, forever. I am scattering our dreams into the infinite abyss of “what could have been’s” and locking it there with no hope of ever pulling it out again. It was nice, but it was never meant to be.

I’m erasing you from my memory not because I want to, but because I choose to.

It’s been nice… to recount all our beautiful memories spent together, but with every beginning, there is an ending.

Thank you for the memories.

I loved you once and I still love you. It hurts to say that and I feel guilty, but I’d rather let it all out now then let it all linger.

I am nothing. I am a failure. I have done nothing so significant in my life, only regrets and problems. For once, I don’t know why I should still be here. I am so useless.

I Want to Meet You, but I Don’t [Desperately] Need Your Friendship.

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Time is so fast when you’re in nursing school. I didn’t even realize that February is almost over!

Where did the time go?

 

The Maternity course is almost over and I am glad that we are halfway through the semester. Plus, it’s starting to get a “little” warm outside. Warm weather after a cold, long winter makes people happy.

This semester has been very challenging and different. I didn’t hang out as much with the “friends” I met last semester. We always studied together, but this time, it seemed that I was merely put aside and casted away from the two girls whom I thought were going to be my closest amigas in nursing school. Apparently NOT since I don’t have kids to take with me so I can mingle with them and that obviously, I cannot speak Spanish. Oh well, whatever. 

After getting used to being alone and not having a set of friends (besides Ricky), I decided to embrace the beauty of being “alone.” I like having the independence of meeting new people in nursing school, connecting with them through the common frustrations we have from nursing school, not creating drama with anyone, and most of all, I love doing things on my own. I don’t have to worry about going out of my way to keep friends. I no longer have that pressure. I used to dread the idea that all my old friends had their own groups and I was out- of -the- loop. In fact, a quarter of my blog had been about my depression and how I don’t have any good friends other than Ricky. My depression went on for a year, until I started school again. Thanks to nursing school, I am happy that it made me very busy and preoccupied me with things to do rather than waste my time and wait for people to come into my life. 

 

I’ve had a love and hate relationship with Nursing. 

I hate that I have to spend hours and hours of studying just to pass, but I have so many reasons why I love it. One of them, being that I meet people who have *almost* the same interests as me. They are all trying to get through nursing school like me. Outside of school, they have different characters, which I am most interested in. However the downside of it is that I’ve met some whom I’ve been close with in the first semester and then we’ve grown apart over the next months. It’s normal and I’ve grown to accept it.

I like to meet people and I’m not really looking for any best friends or a set of friends. I only want to be in the company of people- whether they stay or go. 

I’m just really happy that in every semester, I’ve met quite a few people and I don’t feel entirely alone anymore. Plus, student nurses make a great support group!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When you try to run away from your past, IT WILL HAUNT YOU.

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I failed my first test in nursing school.

It’s the first time that I ever failed anything in nursing school, so as you can imagine, I was a totally wreck when I found out. After a day of mourning for my big, fat “F,” I had to dig deep and ask myself why I failed. The answer was obvious: I didn’t take things seriously and I definitely DID NOT go back to the book and reviewed EVERYTHING.

So yes, I deserve the “F” but it seems hard to pull myself up since I don’t like Maternity from the get go. Maternity was NEVER my strongest area. I never did well with OB/ Maternity when I was in my License Practical Nursing school. I had to take the final exam twice because I failed it (I guess I didn’t fail an exam in nursing school for the first time! hah!)

After going through the exam questions with my instructor, my mind was kind of surprised with the “WTF I KNOW ALL THIS, WHAT HAPPENED.” I really knew the answers, but I didn’t seem to know why I didn’t pick the obvious right answers… it’s like DUH..

I know why… before I took my test, I had the mentality of, “Oh, you know, you got this, no need to study THAT hard since you read the chapters and you answered 135 questions.” I got my walls completely down and when I saw the questions, I was caught off guard! I underestimated Maternity, like I did, two years ago!

So, in hopes of not failing for the second time, I’m trying to cram and read the chapters that I haven’t read. I don’t know how I’ll approach things differently, but I know something about myself:

When I get super stressed out and when I have the fear of failing, I tend to work harder. Hopefully, that mentality helps me.

So… the test is on Monday. HOPEFULLY, I PASS. PLEASE INCLUDE ME IN YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS!

Thank you!

❤

K

I’m so tempted to take you all back.

 

I hate making rash decisions every time I’m PMSing. Usually around that time, I am very lonely, depressed and jealous of the world. My self-esteem is very low and I desperately need some kind of company. I don’t know what led to the event of calling someone from my past and giving that person another shot in my life, but to this day, I deeply regretted it. 

 

Wait the minute… If you’re assuming that I hooked up with someone from my past- NO. It feels like I did, but it’s not even close. 

 

There’s this guy (it usually starts off like that doesn’t it?) named Jason, who is the best friend of Mr. Nit Picky and Beppe’s ultimate enemy. Jason and I bonded together after Beppe left me in the Fall of 2010 and I ended up meeting Mr. Nit Picky through him. Over the years, we’ve gone out-of-touch, partly because he kept pushing me to date (or hookup) with Mr. Nit Picky in numerous times when in fact, I was unstable to do such a thing after breaking up with Beppe. I didn’t like that Jason and Mr. Nit Picky played games with me, as if I was some trophy to win over. So, on the night of my 21st birthday party, I confronted Jason and Mr. Nit Picky, with a couple of shots under my belt, and that they were a bunch of immature f*cks who need to grow up. In that moment, I finally decided to take them both  out of my life.

Apparently, through the years, Jason tried getting my number from friends and he tried adding me in Facebook. Unfortunately, I never responded nor anyone ever wanted to give my number. He finally got my number after Mr. Nit Picky talked to me after so many years. Ever since then, Jason has been bugging me to call him, which is a habit of him that I distinctly remember that I hated so much. No matter how much “busy” you tell him over text messaging, you’ll hear him ring your phone again and again and again… till you succumb into calling him, which I did out of boredom. Over a very short phone call, I confronted him again about the reason why I decided to cut things off between me and the two of them. However, for some weird reason, I felt desperate to get the old times back when I was the center of attention, therefore I decided to give Jason another shot. To be honest, after two or three phone calls with him, it didn’t sound like he changed even though he clearly told me that he did. He was the same Jason- foul-mouthed, short-tempered and he irrationally jumps into conclusion…. which are qualities that I despise from him.  

There are a lot of reasons why I never wanted to take him or Mr. Nit Picky back. First and foremost, I am done with the flirting stage and getting impressed by “bad boys” who likes cars. To be honest, after four years of not hanging out with them, I strongly feel that I’ve grown apart from them and anyone I’ve stopped talking to in 2010. I like spending my Saturdays at home instead of wearing skimpy clothes just to get Mr. Nit Picky’s attention. I like drowning myself in books instead of wasting my time trying to find an outfit to impress the Sterling boys (Mr. Nit Picky and Jason’s group of boys). I like to spend time with my family even if it involves watching lame Filipino TV shows, instead of going out to the bar with them and discussing about girls and how to score one. I love wearing “plain clothes” instead of putting so much effort to get anyone’s attention. I’m done with all that! 

But… then there’s a part of me wondering if they’ve changed and there’s a part of me that wants to “prove” to them that I’m not the silly, naive and meek Khristine that they used to know. But then again, Ricky asked me:

“Why do you have to prove yourself to others when you can just prove all that to yourself?”

 

Exactly… why should I waste my time in trying to impress anyone when they don’t deserve to see any of that in the first place? (Isn’t that what he said?)

 

But anyways, Jason’s planning on moving back here from Florida for good. He wants to “treat me to dinner” and that he “misses talking” to me. Quite frankly, that’s very weird. It sounds like a date? EWW.

 

I feel like blocking him in Facebook and my cellphone. But then I don’t want to suffer with the what-ifs.

WAIT… what is the what-ifs anyways? Why should I even think of one? 

Gross.

 

So… what should I do?

First Week: A Bunch of Alpha-Female Teachers. *B&tch Stares.*

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Another first week of the nursing semester has begun, which means, new classes, tons of homework, new faces and new teachers.

So far, the stress of completing readings (11 chapters to read by the first day!), stressing on whether I passed or failed the dosage math exam (taken on the first day, if failed for the second time, I will be terminated from the program) and completing assignments (due by Saturday THIS WEEK) has led me out-of-my-normal sync and it has put all of my scheduled running goals on hold. I haven’t ran since Monday! *gasps*

“The first week is always the hardest.” -Ricky.

On top of the workload, I have the b*tchiest instructors who were sticklers for every single pet-peeve that they’ve obtained from previous students, who made them who they are today. It seems that for every semester, they acquire a nuisance and they add it to their long and tedious syllabus that they coined “the contract between the students and the teachers.” I do admit that reading those syllabus has amplified my strong fear for strict, alpha-female teachers, but not entirely. The fear I acquire from them motivates me to excel and not settle for anything less. I had a very strict teacher once and she molded me to be an A – B range nursing student, something that I didn’t expect years ago- when I failed my first Biology class when I first started college.

So yes, the perks of having strict teachers involve pushing students to strive harder and to pursue perfection in their best capabilities. Also, it encourages students to live up to their teacher’s expectations, wherein the students mold themselves as close as they can to be the professor’s “ideal nursing student.” Some of the students try hard to kiss ass, they are snotty, aggressive and bossy to their peers and they like to get the attention of the instructor. I find myself rolling my eyes and shaking my head when they argue with the teacher about a fact or when a fellow student blurts out the answer to them,  No! That’s not what the book says… or How did you know that- that is the answer?! My response: B*tch, please! I read the book, so I know. Of course, I didn’t say that out loud, but I wish I did!

I always like to tell myself, “Welcome back to nursing school! These are the type of people you’ll be working with.” Great.

Anyways, tomorrow’s my first clinical for the RN program. I have to wake up at 5 am and report at 7am. I gotta sleep NOW OR I WILL REGRET SLEEPING LATE!

Hopefully, tomorrow’s interesting which means, I’m open for more b*tchy instructors and bossy classmates. Can’t wait for drama.

Yay.