One thing I’ve learned from dating and from being in relationships where there’s constant breakup and makeup is:
People don’t change overnight, particularly someone who has cheated. If you give someone a chance instantly with no amount of handwork to earn that one, last opportunity, chances are, he or she will cheat AGAIN. Why? Because that someone has grown accustomed to how you work things. They’re like bacteria that gets immune to antibiotics. If you keep on forgiving so EASILY, then you’ll let them predict you, know your flaws and how to get around you every time they screwed up.
I’ve noticed that with Ricky. I’ve told him things that bugged me and things that we needed to work on. I’ve gone to the point where I’ve threatened to leave him because he wasn’t changing. At first, he truly took things seriously and put the effort and remained constant, but eventually, he thought that I’ll always leave him because I say things that I don’t mean, so he always said “Okay” when I told him I’d break up with him. And he knew, the next day, I’d change my mind or he would go and put an effort in leaving me notes and romantic stuff, until he goes back to being the same: completely comfortable in his own shell.
People don’t change overnight.
When I got out of class today, I found a packet that was sitting on my windshield. Ricky drove all the way to my school and placed it there. In it was a two-page letter telling me how much he wants me back and he even made me a song and recorded it in a CD. He sang about how he screwed up and he asks me to give him a chance to “pick up the broken pieces.”
Aww, how sweet, but I’m NOT convinced.
You CANNOT earn someone’s trust overnight and you most definitely CANNOT CHANGE overnight. You may have the intention to change overnight, but to prove that you’ve changed will take time, meaning months and even years. I truly don’t care if Ricky has to wait that long for me to forgive and trust him again. If he can’t, well he’s not for me. If he claims that he wants to be that guy who deserves me, then he better prove it because I’m not changing my mind any time soon.
Everything he did to me: lied to me behind my back, lied in front of my face twice, and had the guts to have sex with women WILL NOT DISSIPATE OVERNIGHT. As a matter of fact, I cannot forget the image of him getting naked in front of the cam and telling a woman:
“I want to f*ck you so bad, my cam is open… you like doggystyle baby?
“You’re incredible… maybe we can Skype sometime?
“I think what everybody here looks for [is a] good looking girl and [a] good conversation….”
And in the letter he sent to me today, he said, “I assure you again that I never did it [live webchat] because I was unhappy with you in any way.” Oh yeah?! Then why was he in those chat rooms looking for “good looking girl[s] and good conversation?” Isn’t he better off finding girls to bang? Furthermore, he says, “It was just a perverted and wrongful way to pleasure myself.” REALLY?! I have no problem with him being perverted and watching the good ol’ porn, but why didn’t he let out all of his pervertion and his libido out on me? Because we’re both busy? I absolutely don’t think that’s a good reason. He lives 10 minutes away from me, according to him, that was one of the reasons why I should date him in the first place. I’m not going to let all of this pass so easily.
What hurts more is I love him so much and miss being in his arms, but a side of my brain automatically turns on my emotional -defense mechanism. My mind constantly reminds me the awful sex chat I’ve read with apparently, one of the woman he constantly had sexual interactions with:
Woman: hi my sexy man
Woman: miss you
Woman: mmmm you so hot always
Ricky: hey there
Ricky: it’s been awhile
Ricky: love to see your sexy self again
Woman: you make me horny
Woman: want you
Ricky: i can’t do pvt (private message) tonight
Ricky: is tip okay?
Woman: oki love
Woman: maybe Skype?
Woman: come to me my hot man
Woman: you make my nipples hard
Woman: want see?
Ricky: maybe I can see you naked here in public
Ricky: hell yes!
Woman: I will do it for boobs
Ricky: That’s perfect!
Ricky: I want you so bad
Woman: I want you
Ricky: Your smile drives me crazy
Woman: mmmmmmmmmm you make me crazy too
Ricky: wish you could ride me
Ricky: i’m so hard for you
Woman: mmmmmmmm i like when you are hard for me
My desire to love and trust has vanished. I cannot trust Ricky and his motives. I will always assume that he has other accounts that I don’t know about, just like that Skype account he created in part of the live sex chat account. It makes me angry that he could do all this so easily and expect me to forgive him just because he recorded me a song.
The biggest mistake that anyone could ever have, is to break someone else’s heart, who’s been through a lot from dating A*holes and has put all their effort to take a leap of faith, no matter how scary it was to get into a relationship.
I slept so soundly last night. My mind, body and soul had to rest and I wish I could go back to bed. But each day is another day.