It’s 4:43 am on a Saturday morning and I have been unable to sleep. My alarm was suppose to ring at 6:30 am, but millions of thoughts came rushing in my head, which led me to toss and turn in my bed. Reading the news doesn’t help either.
“What if I fail, what would my life be? 7.6 unemployment rate dropped since 4 years ago? But still, that’s not enough. Employers aren’t hiring enthusiastically because they don’t really need it? Why? Oh: because they are making loads of money with the small resources they have: double-worked employees with lesser pay? They are relying on technology to replace expensive labor? WTF, no wonder this economy is on a standstill. These big- time, selfish corporate A-holes are swimming in their own GARGANTUAN piles of money while the rest of us suffers.OMG… adult kids are moving back to their parents because they cannot afford housing on their own and since there aren’t any jobs available for them, on top of the student debts they are facing. I’m one of them, except I don’t have any student debt. Geez… I don’t know if mom is still able to pay for mortgage. I heard from sister that she’s struggling. Ugh… I wish I could work with a decent pay and help out…Do I really want to work as a nurse? UGH… G-TUBES are a pain in the arse. Maybe I should consider Ricky’s Medical Laboratory Technician (MLT) pathway since I won’t have to deal with patients. But how the hell will I pay for it. It’s kinda too late to switch majors now. With this economy, I wish we could have just moved to Australia, Canada or the UK. What would our lives have been? Better? But then, I wouldn’t have met Ricky. What if I decided to move somewhere else? How would I keep my relationship with him? Ugh… I hope living in the United States for the next years, won’t feel like living back home again, with no hope to prosper.”
I know I need to sleep because I’ll be working to take care of an old lady for an entire day, but my mind was restless. I figured, maybe if I blog, I’d be able to release all the pent – up tension in my head. I should have done it before I went to bed last night around 10pm, but I needed to sleep. Heh. Funny how that back-fired.
For the most part, I think I’m grateful that this blog has kept me from losing it- losing myself to insanity. I’ve ranted on the most emotional breakdowns I’ve encountered and I’m glad that most of the time, I usually come out with some realization or a lesson to hold on to. However, today, I don’t really know if I’ll be able to come up with something. I don’t even know where to start ranting!
I think ever since August- ever since I graduated from my License Practical Nursing (LPN) program, I’ve become less interested with my life. There was always the pending question of “What now?” I knew that I have to take my board exam, take a course in Bio, then proceed to applying for a Registered Nurse (RN) degree: to whichever school accepts me since there has been rather a competitive admission to any nursing school in my state. Then what? Instead of facing the question of “What’s next?,” I figured, it would be nice to take a break and to face all that question when that time comes.
But time flies pretty darn fast, you know?
Well… I honestly regret taking a break. Four months have past and I honestly have been unproductive. I haven’t opened my nursing books and I have been disenchanted to study for my board exam. I don’t know how I managed to ignore the fact that I need to take my board exam soon. I was able to push away the pressure of taking the test and was able to block any lingering thought of sitting for 3-4 hours in a testing center, trying to answer 300 or so questions. I even moved my original testing date of November 16th to December 20th.Procrastination has definitely been sweet, but it came with a price – I have been depressed, restless and stressed.
Now that I have nearly less than two weeks to cram, the stress, that I needed to push me to study, is finally kicking in. I thought I could suppress the pressure of taking my board exam, but it seems that my mind has its own defense mechanism: yesterday night, I had the nightmare of failing my exam and tonight’s fiasco of not being able to sleep has gotten me to open my old notes and to simply start reviewing.
I simply cannot fail this test that I paid to take for $370.00. Crazy huh?
I don’t know how I’ll be able to study today since I’ll be “babysitting” an old lady. She’ll definitely doze off, but the TV will be my biggest challenge. Maybe I’ll mute it.
Now, I need 12 cups of hot coffee to wake me up and get me in the zone.
To my readers, please wish me all the luck in cramming. I mean, I was really one of the best students until I started losing interest and motivation. But really… WISH ME LUCK!