For weeks, I have been distracted and bombarded by the news that my ex Italian boyfriend, Beppe, is coming back from Italy. I was honestly dead scared, nervous and I couldn’t stop imagining how we’d meet again. It’s either I see him alone or with the friends he left here – my friends, including Ricky.
I honestly felt like I had to buy new clothes and what not. Somehow, I wasn’t able to buy any, not that I didn’t have any money, but because something felt so wrong. Sure, I shouldn’t be dressing up for him and what not, I clearly know that. Eventually, I decided to just be myself. I’ve got enough clothes to mix and match. I’m not going to spend a dime just to look good for him. I’d rather save my money for Ricky and I’s anniversary getaway.
Yesterday night, the gang, Ricky and I were going to meet up with Beppe at a mall. Unfortunately, to my own dismay, he wasn’t able to make it. Ricky and I were on the way to the mall when he decided, at the very last minute that he can’t come for such and such reason. I was disappointed because everybody was set to see him after two years. He was thinking we could all reschedule tomorrow, preferably in the time he prefers. Clearly, that pissed me off more by the fact that everyone doesn’t have the time to plan things according to his own liking. Everybody has either a job or a turkey dinner to attend to. Seriously, he came off really really selfish!
My frustrations started to grow and I felt rather nervous. I know I have to see him and finally put a closure on us because it seemed like we didn’t have it. It didn’t help that his flight to Miami was the next day either. So his time was limited and it’s either I see him now or never. Despite my growing annoyance and frustration, Beppe and I agreed to meet. He invited me to join him, his former boss, Andrea, and his former manager, Reem, to have dinner at some restaurant. It sounded inviting since Andrea and Reem knew me and I haven’t seen them in ages. Despite the fact that I was dead on nervous, something kept on bothering me. Why is it that when I try calling Beppe, he wouldn’t answer? Why is it that whenever he texts, he takes forever to reply. Additionally, why is it that whenever he refers to himself, he uses “us” or “we”? Most importantly, Who is he traveling with?
The biggest questions of the night finally forced me to ask him. As usual, he took forever. I figured that I should start heading out and get there early so I won’t be late. When I was two lights away from the restaurant, he texted me and said,
“Oh, I’m not with my friend Roberto this time. I’m with Sara, my girlfriend. So, we’ll see you at 8?”
We. Sarah. Girlfriend.
I turned my car around and went to the nearest mall. I need air. I need some thinking. I need to think fast and come up with a reasonable solution. Honestly, I felt like I was in a chess game, pulling out “safe” moves without putting my guard down. I have to make a move.
Okay, first of all, why didn’t he tell me that he’s with his girlfriend? That would have made a lot more sense! I’m surprised because he hasn’t told me one word about her existence ever since he was in Italy or when his plane landed here. No wonder he seemed rather… quiet, formal, and reserved. He is with his girlfriend!
When the clock striked 7:30, I was at the mall, walking around with my passion fruit iced drink. I was thinking very hard. Should I go? Should I not go? How do I introduce myself? His friend? Nah. I know girl friends can smell exes or former intimate lovers. What do I tell them?: Oh, how are you? When did you guys started dating? Where did you meet? AWKWARD.
Then it hit me, hard. I simply can’t see Beppe. I can’t. It’s not because I’m jealous with the girl. It’s not because I’m a coward. It’s not because I’m insecure. It’s simply because, I have no place to be in that dinner date. I have no purpose to be in the picture. I am simply an ex girlfriend. That’s how it is and that’s how it’s going to be.
While I was driving home, I was thinking that it was all a shame. A shame that things didn’t turn out how Beppe and I imagined ourselves to be after two years. It’s sad to think that I’m not the girl sitting in that restaurant. I’m not that girl sitting next to him who feels like his queen. It’s a shame that I didn’t get to see him, to smell his scent or give him a hug even for the very last time. But that’s how life made it all for us. He’s in a different path and so am I.
Even though I didn’t get to see him and his new girlfriend, I think it was enough to know that he’s in a relationship. It’s enough to know that he’s finally with someone again. It’s also enough to realize that Beppe and I are simply not meant to be.
Surprisingly, I haven’t cried yet. I think that I have every right to, but I chose not to. I think what made me strong is that despite the beautiful memories Beppe and I shared, despite how our love story was so short, and despite the fact that things didn’t turn out how we wanted it all to be, we didn’t end it with hatred, but rather we just let life do it’s own work.
Now that Beppe’s part in my life is finally over, 1% part of me wishes it didn’t. That 1% includes all those beautiful memories that influenced and shaped the person I am today. Beppe taught me so much about getting hurt, having my heart broken into million pieces until I felt crazy and wanted to break down and change myself. I learned to start from scratch, build myself into a confident woman and now I’m finally a lot more open-minded about life.
I’m so glad this week is almost over. It has been so crazy after Ricky’s breakup scare, Beppe’s storm, and a whole lot different shenanigans. Anyways, I think I need to start a new chapter ~ 🙂