Day 24: I am a liar.

I try my hardest to be the most honest person, but lately, I grew more insecure, more distrustful and a little more secretive. I found myself lying to mask my insecurities, my low self-esteem and my growing depression. The only exception in which I would dare NOT lie, is through this blog. I find comfort in letting strangers know my secrets because I know that strangers do not judge… rather, they listen and often times, they too, feel the same way.

So here comes a few assumptions about me and the hard core truths:

  • People think I’ve finished school, but I’m still working on finishing my degree in Associates and eventually my bachelors.
  • Some think I go to a university because they find me in a coffee shop in campus, studying there while waiting for my boyfriend to get out of class, but in truth, I don’t even go there.
  • People think I’m working as a nurse in some hospital or nursing home because I finished my LPN license, but I can’t work because I only have a student visa. I would love to work, but I couldn’t and that’s what crushes me more.
  • People know I work, but I work for my mom and I don’t get paid at all. Some of my friends are graduating and I’m still stuck in square one.
  • People think I’m the most happiest girl with the best guy in the world, truth is,  I have a very busy boyfriend who’s a full time student and working part time at a medical lab, and who couldn’t make love to me as much as I want him to. We spend our dates on coffee shops- studying together. Our relationship has become a routine.
  • People think I’ve got loads of friends, in reality, I’ve lost a few because of distance and by the fact that I’ve gotten broke that going out has been limited for me especially financially.
  • People think I’m busy studying or whatever but I have found myself relying on a game for social, fun, and for sex purposes. And that game, my friends, is what I’ll gladly share with you all:

It’s called Second Life. I’ve been playing that game for about 4 years now- on and off. It’s a game where you create an avatar, customize it based on your own liking, and socialize. Whenever I get depressed, bored and whenever “real life” doesn’t satisfy my needs of socializing, or when I’ve gotten really depressed, I literally sign in to Second Life and get lost … Get lost with the avatar I created that is completely different from me. Get lost in a world that doesn’t judge me or care if I’m unemployed, worthless or if I’m a liar. My avatar simply have to be fabulous, beautiful, fun to socialize with, and willing to spare one hour a few hours to have fun.

This is my teen avatar. I don’t use her for sex, but for socializing and for other PG related activities.

The game is free to play, however in some occasions, if I find something great to put on my avatar, I have to use real money (1-2 dollars will do). But it’s not that expensive compared to going out and buying loads of alcohol at a bar. Frankly, I’d rather be in second life socializing with people all over the world- learning languages or networking cheaply than going out to bars only to find out how much I utterly hate some people who judges me based on my looks and wouldn’t talk to me because I’m not one of their group of girls who are pretty and who talk dumb.

Lately, I found myself enjoying life in there: making friends and socializing which is what I rely on since most of my real friends are busy when I’m free. Also, as bad as it sounds, I’ve relied on it for sex purposes… and yes avatars do have sex in there and it’s quite freaky, but if you’re desperate and you do not want to cheat on your special someone in real life without having physical sexual interaction then Second Life is a great choice. Hey, I do have sex with male avatars in there, but at least I don’t go out and actually do it with guys. My boyfriend isn’t as sexual like me, so I couldn’t blame him. I have my own needs and if he can’t pleasure me, well Second Life can. It sounds sad, but hey… it works and I’m just trying to keep myself happy while having him do whatever he needs to do.

This is my adult avatar that I use for R-rated activities or when I attend a Jazz ballroom.

Don’t worry, I still do what I need to do in real life: eat, breathe, study, exercise and lots of sleep. I’m not gaining weight or losing myself. I’m just… trying to escape the real world injustice on me 😉

So if you do decide to create one or have an avatar already, say hi! 🙂


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