Day 22: What if… that ghost came back?

What if…one day you wake up and your nightmare became a reality? What if the dream, along with the emotions and the past that triggered it, became a reality? What if, the one person you once loved still haunted you in your dreams. What if, one day, you find yourself standing right in front of that person… while you’re already with someone else. What if… what if…

It has been months, since May, that I’ve kept this thought from being written out through my blog. I’ve constructed multiple drafts, most of them remained in my unpublished archives- waiting silently, to have its writer one day have the courage to reveal- what she has been wanting to say for so long. I hesitated every moment to indulge in my thoughts, even with the slightest remembrance of a memory, that was suppressed by so many trails, so many pain, and so many tears that lead to my utter numbness. I hesitated because there was no reason to indulge into thoughts that once made my heart beat differently which lead it to its final retreat. I hesitated because I didn’t want to hurt Ricky even if I’m only writing it in my blog. I felt guilty to even write a draft about the man whom I once longed so much. I didn’t want to write about the man that once swept me off my feet. The man who left me with so much hope and with so much disappointment. But, I could not hold it in any longer. It’s bound to happen. I can’t run. I must write it all out.

It has been almost 5 months since I’ve heard this dreadful news. I didn’t think it would be possible. I thought it was just a thought, but it has been decided, recently. Giuseppe or Beppe, a man whom I’ve mourned in my very first blog posts, is coming back to the United States to visit. He was the man who swept me off my feet by his Italian suave; wooed me with his unforgettable romantic gestures; he was the man I mourned for a year when he left for Italy; he was the man who made me hope for fate to rethink its course; the one man who left me with these questions:

“What if Beppe comes back? What will you do? How would you react? Will you see him?”

It has haunted me for more than 5 months, way before I even started dating Ricky. I never thought I’d be asking those questions to myself again, but this time it’s quite necessary to answer them since it’s actually going to happen. I used to push them at the back of my head and reassured myself, “Why will he go back? And for what reason?” These were the questions that released me from his spell. They motivated me to pick up the pieces to move on. He couldn’t just go back because of me, but because there’s no point. It has worked so many times before, but now…I can’t ask those questions.

I had a strange, curious feeling inside me: “What if I asked myself down the road if I really do love Ricky or that I still have feelings for Giuseppe?” I never ended things with Giuseppe… it was almost like an open-ended thing. But I can’t hurt Ricky. Yet I can’t betray my own feelings. I never told Ricky this thought… that I might get confused. I always reassured him that Ricky has known and dated me longer than Giuseppe. So much has happened, so many things have changed so there’s no reason to fret. I’m just afraid that what if one day, the feelings I have surpressed for Giuseppe will eventually splurge and make a lunatic out of me? What do I do?

Another thing frightened me quite a bit:

There was a day when Ricky told me that he had a very strange dream. He dreamt that Giuseppe came back from Italy and he found me cuddling in his bed with Giuseppe and he asked me what I was doing. And I simply told him, “I don’t know… I’m confused…I just don’t know.” To have Ricky dream of that can mean one thing: he, too, seemed very apprehensive and he hides it so well. However, beneath that laid-back exterior that he has, I know somewhere in there, that thought is lingering inside his head. He’s not that insensitive… I know him.

I mean… Giuseppe is only visiting for a week or so and it seemed like he wasn’t planning on staying longer, so why am I worried? Why is my heart beating so fast for the last 3 or 4 hours of finding out about his certainty to visit? Why am I nervous? Maybe it’s because I wanted him to know how much I’ve changed and to see  what I’ve become after he left. I want him to see that I’m stronger, unmoving by his charms, and very much happy with Ricky. I want to be strong and finally put a closure to this. It may seem impossible and that’s what makes me nervous.

I wanted to tell Ricky about the news, but he is still at work and I didn’t want him to get all flustered with this issue when he could be saving lives instead of killing them because of my reckless, emotional rampage about a man who might be his rival. I didn’t want him to rush home in this inclement weather (Sandy is fast approaching us) and God forbid what happens if he did that. I didn’t want him to get disappointed right at this minute. I want to tell him when he is settled and in the joys of his home. I want him to feel unthreatened, because I do love him.

Upon my realization by this piece of fact that I love Ricky, I began to ponder that his love isn’t just infatuation, but it’s filled with pure affection, with sheer happiness and with so much blissful imperfections. It’s not perfect. It’s realistic. He’s Mr. Right. Right for me. He knows me and we’ve been through quite a lot. In the other hand, Giuseppe is a Prince Charming, he had a mighty horse, he swept me off my feet, he was my ideal fantasy. But all that he gave were temporary, it’s all a childish fantasy. No matter how perfect and beautiful our relationship seemed, truth is, we barely know each other. We’re not meant for each other.

Finally, I could still ask that question, rephrase it and answer it bravely: “So what if he comes back?” I wasn’t the reason why he’s coming back, he was coming back because he’s on vacation and to reunite with his old friends. So to think that he’s coming back for me, for only a week, is such a foolish thing to fantasize, don’t you think so? Who am I to influence him so much? By far, nothing. If he truly loves me that much, then he’ll dare to take me back with every magic that he’s got, but apparently, that isn’t going to happen any time soon.

I can’t tell you that it’s going to be an easy feeling to see him again, but I do know that a huge storm is coming. (No pun intended.)

For now, I’m going to finally post this… I hope.

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2 thoughts on “Day 22: What if… that ghost came back?

  1. I love how honest you are.. I haven’t been in this situation, but I can only imagine how hard it is.. but I kind of think you nailed it on the head when you said your love with Ricky is REALISTIC.. and your feelings for this other man.. are fantasies..

    I think if you spend the time .. when you’re NOT feeling so flustered by the news of his visit.. when all those feelings have had a little bit of time to settle.. to really let yourself THINK about it.. explore every avenue in your head.. let yourself be HONEST with yourself… and maybe it will make more sense to you.. instead of always pushing it aside.

    also when he’s here.. don’t do anything that you may regret.. just for a temporary thrill. (I know you’re smarter than that though.. just I had to say it haha)

    This must be such a mind boggling situation to be in.. but it’s probably GOOD that it’s happening.. so that you can STOP repressing these feelings.. and finally fully DEAL with it all.. so that you and Ricky can continue to move forward.

    but most importantly… STAY SAFE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Fawn,

      Your input on this has helped me a lot! I read this a few days ago and I didn’t know what to say. I took your advice… I thought about it, through and through, and despite how nerve-racking it will be to face him, I know I’ll be strong. And you’re right, I need to do this and put a “closure” on what I feel about him. I know I care for him as a friend, but to love him like I love Ricky is not the same. A lot has happened in 2 years and there’s no way that we are the same. Oh well… we’ll see how it goes.

      But, I really do appreciate that you’ve put some insight into this too! You’re almost like a best friend to me and your opinion is highly valued 😉

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