Supposedly, today is Ricky and I’s 6th month.
This is a time when my hormones have been jumping all over the place and I am extra emotional and very sensitive.
I get really pissed off over the smallest things and I know that’s something I can control but when I’m close to my period, I seem to make everything worse.
Well, I’m trying to make sense of what I did last night. I was suppose to sleep-over at Ricky’s but that changed when he snapped the last remaining patience I had with him yesterday:
Ricky: “Where are you going Khristine?”
Me: “Home. You don’t have to walk me to my car.”
Ricky: “Come on Khristine, what’s going on? Tell me what’s wrong.”
Me: “Look, I don’t have to tell you what’s wrong. You should probably know since it came out of your mouth.”
Ricky: “Um… Of course baby, you can sleep over! I’m not asking you to leave!”
Me: “NO! Of course I can but it’s not that.”
Ricky: “Then what is it.”
Me: “Ugh. I’m going home.”
Ricky: “Oh… is it because of your gradua- ”
Then I drove off.
I didn’t go home right away but I was around his neighborhood- thinking.
I know that it’s important for him to spend that weekend of the 19th with his family since he thinks he hasn’t hung out with them in such a long time. He promised his sister that he’s going to take her somewhere since she’s been dying to go travel. I don’t want to be stealing his time off from his family… but the thing is, August 19th is the day of my graduation.
He said he’s going to “try” and make it since he already asked his sister to take that weekend off. I don’t like to expect, wait and hope that he’s going to be there because in the end I know I’ll only be more disappointed. Funny thing is, he doesn’t even know if they are going to New York or going somewhere at all. That’s what I hate about Ricky… he doesn’t plan things and when he doesn’t, everything goes astray.
Okay, fine. I know family is first, but damn! I went to his graduation last May and I tried my hardest to make it special for him. I’ve put enough thought and time of making him handmade bracelets and my mom even gave him a present. I know it’s not great to ask for something in return, but all I wanted is for him to be on my graduation too. My graduation may not seem as a big deal since it’s only a License Practical Nursing program instead of the Registered Nursing curriculum, but it was a hard year for me with no breaks! I wanted him to be there… to be part of my accomplishment and to be part of my life.
I got so frustrated last night that I wanted to take a break from him. A space per se. Just like every space, it’s blank and I have no idea what to say or to think or… ugh. I just want a space and a break.
I’m not even going to go on a beach trip with him next weekend or
to my graduation. Hell, to be honest, if it’s a lame graduation and I’m the only one going there, I SHOULD go there. I need to praise myself for being able to make it. Just because Ricky couldn’t make it, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t go to my graduation. I deserve to be there.
If he doesn’t want to be part of my life, then so be it. He’s just like the rest of ’em…
All my exes asks me to be there for them on their big occasions and what not and when it’s my big occasion, none of them seem to show up.
Ugh. I’m so pissed off.