Chapter 3: “Friends and Enemies”
It’s been so long since I’ve updated my blog. More like a week? Oh yes.
Last week was my birthday… the 16th of May. Not much has happened, but the fact that I’ve had several surprises of which I couldn’t divulge you on it, not just yet! Perhaps, one of these days. Not now. I need a reassurance of some sort. I need my thoughts out of my head since I couldn’t sleep. Heck, it’s 1: 48 am and I need my sleep.
I’m PMSing again and I feel that I am getting a little depressed. My emotions are going wild. My self-esteem came from cloud 9 to cloud 5. I have these insecurities that I thought I’ve tried my hardest to minimize. One thing I’ve learned though, I’m insecure but I’m pretty good at hiding it… well at least to my fellow gals.
Last week, I’ve decided to throw a party to reunite the friends I’ve gotten out of touch with. It was nice to know that nothing changed but I felt that I’ve changed. I’ve changed from a once stronger, free-spirited woman to a much careful, weaker, more sensitive, and very insecure. But why do I feel this way? I know why.
I’m scared that the past is trying to repeat itself.
An, who has been a friend, rather an acquaintance, is known to bring new “friends” that either need to grow up, has drama like no other, and some that hates me for no reason. Her birthday party, which is a celebration of her finally turning 21 is planned to be quite a blast on Saturday. She and, most especially, our friend Rami, has been trying to convince me to come. Ricky is interested to come and I’m drawing to a close decision that I will need to go as well. According to Ricky, An is inviting “cool” people in her 21st party. Perhaps, maybe so… but I have this weird feeling. UGH I HATE IT WHEN I HAVE THAT FEELING:
One or two people from her little groupie will either snap the annoying sh*t out of me or who will find me quite an attention whore when I don’t intend to. I just come out rather friendly to people and some girls take that offensively. I like to be lively, cheerful, free spirited and some take it as an opportunity to judge me. I’m scared. But you know, a part of me keep saying, “There’s nothing to be scared of. Just be yourself,” as Ricky would say.
So what if I like wearing something that makes me feel beautiful? Wearing heels ain’t such a bad thing!
So what if I like stumbling on my feet and making everyone laugh as I slowly sip on my flavored mix drink?
So what if I look quiet at first, but slowly burst into a person whom anyone didn’t expect to have such a canny way of giving empowering drunken speeches?
So what if I wear a bright dress and a cheery smile that never fails to lift anyone’s mood even if only a glimpse of it was seen?
So what if I am loud and that I laugh out loud? I rarely get to do that even if I keep texting “lol” on the not-funniest conversations ever.
So what if girls will roll their eyes on me and look at me from head to feet? They just wish that their eyes were copy-scans that can turn them into me. They’re just jealous.
So what if girls will find Ricky attractive or interesting? They can do all the flirting and all the talking, but I… I AM the woman he loves and the one he goes home with… in HIS BED.
So what if I don’t know most of the people in there? Just keep drinking, because people in that party has one thing in common: Alcohol.
So what if I’m not ugly, I’m not fat, I’m not likeable, I’m not the typical quiet-mouthed Asian- innocent chick? I’m that chick who likes to laugh and not care of anyone’s beliefs or judging opinions because I know who my true friends are. I don’t need to change who I am to fit in. I know who I am. I know where I belong. I know what type of “groupie” I belong in… My own world. hahahaha!
I sense that these waters are tensed and being tested. But you know what? I have this moment…
This moment, somewhere inside me, which honestly believes that I don’t give a rat’s ass about anyone’s opinion.
I’ll make it alive and well-rooted.
I’m a big girl (a rock star and I got my rock movies) with a nice poise 😉