Day 22: What if I have cancer?

I received a missed call from my OB-GYN doctor’s office this morning stating that I need to come in for a colposcopy for a cervical biopsy because my pap smear came back with an abnormal result. Initially, I went in to get checked for a lump found in my left breast and now I’m more concerned on what’s going on down there in my vagina more than what my boobies are going through. I think I place my deepest concern on my vagina since I have this gut feeling that something might be wrong down there.

Umm… yes, that looks painful. I’m not looking forward in having that biopsy at all.

I hate admitting to my health care provider or to anyone who examines my vagina that I’ve had multiple sex partners and multiple instances wherein I’ve relied on birth pills rather than using condoms. So, that places me as a high risk for sexually transmitted diseases. I know, I totally know since it’s what I’ve learned and heard for more than a hundred times from attending nursing school. I’ve been to my public health care center routinely checked for STDs, HIV, AIDS, and all my results came back negative. Even though I’ve had multiple unprotected sex, I came out clean. However, I’ve got a feeling that I need to get tested on HPV, a human papilloma virus that causes cervial cancer in women, since it’s something that most public health care clinics don’t offer free on getting tested. So, all this time, I’ve been negative on all common STDs but a pap smear that came back with an abnormal result threw me off my seat.

I wonder how my abnormal cells looked like…

Do you know how distressed I was when I heard ‘abnormal result’ from the voice message left from my doctor’s office? We’ve talked briefly about HPV in my nursing class, but I’ve never seen how a simple test like a pap smear could be so mind-boggling. I started freaking out about my gut feeling of perhaps getting “HPV” from my previous sexual affairs. I really hated the fact that when I’m finally settling down with Ricky, not wanting to have sex with anyone else, and having hopes of striving to keep a monogamous relationship, I got an abnormal result from my pap smear that could indicate that I have abnormal cell growth in my cervix, a virus or some kind of bacteria. I’m really scared.

I don’t care if my left breast is uncomfortable right now, as a matter of fact, I don’t even care about it at all. I want my cervix to be healthy. I want my vagina to be free from STDs and I want the majority of my reproductive system to work properly. All the while I sat on the edge of my bed, thinking about colposcopy, cervical biopsy, HPV, cancer, not being able to bear kids, having to lose my hair, what if I die? I was thinking about Ricky, our plans of getting married, having kids, having our own little “Emma,” what am I going to tell my parents? I’m dying of cancer that I’ve gotten from having sex with guys unprotected? What a righteous way to live life isn’t it?

You’re probably thinking, right at this moment, she’s overreacting. Maybe it’s just a yeast infection? Or maybe it’s some minor thing that can be reversible. Ironically, I’m going to be a nurse teaching patients about what to expect in physical tests but I, myself, cannot even handle going through a simple colposcopy. Of course I’m scared. I’m a human. I’ve got every right to freak out, cry, and even think of the worst case scenario. I even shunned Ricky’s “everything’s going to be fine” and it bugs me more than to feel better. Ugh… I don’t feel good at all. I really don’t.


So, do me a favor, if you are a woman or you have a love one who’s a woman, advice them to get a pap smear done from their doctor. Also, ALWAYS USE A CONDOM when you’re going to have sex with someone you know you’re not going to have a long-term relationship with. If I could go back in time, I’d carry condoms as if they are part of my make-up routine.

Because if you’re not protected, you can have AIDS and cancer. You wouldn’t want to destroy your life, would you?


[Image credits]




5 thoughts on “Day 22: What if I have cancer?

  1. OMG. That’s terrifying. As I mentioned before, I know how scary it is to deal with down there problems.. when they found that cyst on my ovaries, one of the first thoughts that went through our heads, was that we’d never get to have a child together…
    When are you going in for the testing!?!?
    Honestly though.. a friend of mine had abnormal results.. (I don’t remember exactly what they said..) some levels of something were higher.. or something.. and when she went back a few months later.. they were all fine again.. and she’s A OKAY to this day..
    I really hope that this goes well.. for your boobie and cervix!!!!!!!!!

    So scary =(

    • Thank you so much for your encouragement Fawn!
      I really would like to have kids and to be honest, if I could choose between my boobies and cervix, I’d rather choose my cervix and not have boobies. But anyways, we don’t know how it’s all going to be. I hope my results turn out to be like your friend’s. Right now, I’m just going to enjoy each day and just spend this entire weekend with Ricky and I’m blocking that biopsy issue out of my head till Monday. Oh well, everything will work out how it’s suppose to work out.

      Thanks for reading! It means a lot to me 😀

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