It’s just one of those moody mornings I’ve had. I’ve been constantly thinking about it through and through and it doesn’t seem to escape my mind. I need someone to talk about this, but of course, no one seems willing and no one seems to care. I’m ranting here because I know that even the random person will say something or even “like” my post when that’s the least thing I really want to have. But hey, it’s better than nothing right?
A few things that bothered me this morning:
1. Sleeping over at Ricky’s knowing that my parents are against it (I’m still under their roof, so they still have a say!)
2. Having the pure guilt of waking up really late at 12 pm and having the knowledge that I didn’t drive my mom to work so she probably took the cab instead. Ugh, my fault as you can see!
3. Waking up and expecting (I hate expecting!) a warm breakfast right after making love with Ricky. I mean, it seems right and fair! But I didn’t get any.
4. Having to go with Ricky as soon as we got up to meet a sketchy dude from Craig’s list to pick up concert tickets that he bought for his sister’s birthday, while having to suffer from hunger and doubts on whether or not we might make it out alive.
4. Expecting (darn it, I really hate that word!) that Ricky will be skipping his class at 6 pm today just so he can meet that sketchy dude but he met the guy earlier, so he decided to attend class. I wanted to spend an entire Wednesday with him knowing that he’ll be skipping class, but yay, there goes another spontaneous date that might have happened but due to unforeseen events, it didn’t happen.
What seems to be the issue here? Dur… I want to spend a meaningful time with Ricky because I know that we’ve been spending most of our time in his place or my place doing “study” sessions and other what nots. He’s going to be way busier than usual next week so there literally won’t be enough time fooling around. Since my clinical days switch from Saturdays to Wednesdays, my weekend slots are finally open for me to go to work. I’m ranting because I want spontaneity and a bit of sacrifice from him. I’ve skipped one class for the sake of spending Valentine’s day with him, so why can’t he skip this one class to spend it with me? I guess I’m asking way too much. If money is the issue, I’m willing to drive in D.C. and walk around the Tidal Basin to look at the blooming cherry blossoms but I guess that’s going to happen another time when those flowers are gone.
When we were on our way back from meeting that Craig’s list dude, I was completely quiet even when we were driving to go see him. Ricky was probably wondering if it’s one of my “gatcha” jokes that will soon pop out but guess what, this time around, I can’t help but try to desensitize my gushing emotions of wanting to cry out like a baby just so he can spend time with me. It wasn’t a “gatcha” this time, it’s for real and I’m pissed.
Sure, you can call me a selfish, self-centered, clingy girlfriend, but recently, I never got a chance to go on a spontaneous date with Ricky, without having a limited time on our hands. It always seemed like we’d meet late at night, have sex, fall asleep, then wake up having sex or not then go about our own ways. I never had the chance of laying in bed with him for an entire day or having to wake up without being rushed. If money was the issue in spending an entire day together, I would have been happy in making love with him all day, staying home with him all day and having pizza delivery for lunch+ dinner.
Am I expecting a lot? I’ve abandoned my responsibilities for Wednesday even though I know it wasn’t good just for the sake of spending it with Ricky.
One of the reasons why I probably went completely quiet in the car was because I hated myself- it happens to every boyfriend who I enjoyed spending time with: I give so much of my time to the point of abandoning some of my responsibilities and having to expect that same sacrifice in return. I guess I’m just a fool in love. I’m aware that I SHOULDN’T abandon my own stuff to do, but to spare it all for just a day? Why not?
I’m just pissed off at myself for abandoning what I have to do. Maybe I should start learning to give a little but that wouldn’t be love… right?