Day 9: Who am I?

I’ve been having flashbacks of my “old” self and I couldn’t figure out who I truly am without getting influenced by people. I wasn’t doubting who I am until I’ve read a post from one of my favorite blogs, Cogito Ergo Blog. Nate, who was the author of the blog, brought up an interesting thought that got me thinking, “It is hard to define who you are.The person you want to be is rarely the person you think you are and neither of them are the person that other people see you as. Now question should be: Which person should I be?” How do you define yourself? Are you being true to yourself all this time?!

I’ve dated a few guys and it seems that I wasn’t really being myself. I mean, I don’t even know what’s the baseline personality of me. I do know that I get along with people pretty well, but sometimes, I question myself… Am I being true to myself or am I changing myself for the sole purpose of conforming to what others want me to be?

I want to focus on 3 guys I’ve dated that might have tweaked a little bit of myself.

1. Dave:

He was my first serious boyfriend. He taught me to get out of my shell and to express what’s in my mind. He believed, “Awkward is only in your head.” He was book-smart and a know-it-all and that often becomes the root of our arguments. He expressed his mind without caring if he was insensitive or that he will offend someone. He didn’t care if he didn’t shower or what he wore in public. I was very young when I dated Dave. Instead of coming home from school when I was 17 years old, I’d go to his place and spend 5 hours in bed with him while my parents thought I was doing an after-school activity. To fit into what Dave finds normal, I thought of becoming rebellious, quite reckless and that left me insecure with myself.

2. Giuseppe

He was my unforgettable Italian boyfriend. He changed me from the girl who didn’t have self-esteem to the girl who walked knowing that she was simply beautiful in her own way. He was romantic and he made me embrace the beauty that I didn’t see in myself. His Italian mannerisms of self-worth and elegance influenced me. His daily enchantment of bella and Sei bellissima boosted my confidence. I found myself wearing dresses and skirts, which I didn’t do when I was with Dave. I walked as if I was in Italy everyday. I learned Italian in a few weeks and I was able to carry some basic communication with him. I began chanting Italian cuss words and I felt like I was Italian. It was a beautiful feeling until he left. I felt like an Italian when he was around and when he was gone, I felt like my old self except that I learned to love myself and to see myself as a “prize” —> A good lesson that I’ve cherished until now.

3. Carlos

He was my first Latino (Peruvian) boyfriend. When I first met him, I didn’t really like him. However, when we started hanging out with a few work buddies from Chima restaurant, I thought he was a fun guy who was free-spirited and didn’t give a damn where life brings him. He lived in the present and didn’t want to plan anything for his future (a total turn off to me). I dated him right after I broke up with Dimitry, my Russian ex, who made me bored out of my mind. Carlos brought out my “inner” Latina spice (that stimulated my dormant Spanish roots, inherited from my Mom’s side of the family) and my wild party girl. Hanging out with him, I felt like I was one of the cool kids. In hopes to getting along with him and our Latino group, I attended Salsa nights and I was always present in all their parties. I knew it was all going to be short-lived when I quit working in Chima.

To sum it up, I’ve been reckless, a so-so Italian goddess, a try-hard-to-be-cool “Latina” and now, I am doubting myself.

I’ve been having thoughts lately and thinking heavily on whether or not Ricky is influencing me. He’s got an interesting side in him such as that he seemed like one of those “hipster” dudes but he’s in-denial. I mean, he doesn’t go all out as a hipster, but he likes to be unique and totally nonconforming into the whole mainstream, pop culture thing like having a Facebook or listening to the top 40s. He listens to bands I’ve never heard of and his artsy side is catching up to me. I mean… we’ve been friends but it seems that I’ve been enjoying his “unknown” indie bands recently and I’ve been adopting his nonconformist views that he believes in. But… I have listened to some bands that were unknown to him or to anyone who likes pop, way before I dated Ricky and I’ve been artsy way before I met him. Maybe he’s influencing me or maybe he’s making me get in touch to things I haven’t known. But that’s still something I’m trying to figure out.

Going back to Nate’s probing question that got me thinking, I guess there’s a difference between defining yourself in things you truly enjoy versus getting influenced by things that forces you to be someone else. In hopes of being in a happy relationship with my ex-boyfriends, I changed myself into something that wasn’t going to make me grow into a better person, but instead as someone who would make someone else happy. I know for a fact that I’m defining myself with things I like such as Ricky’s nonconformist view of getting in touch with my artsy-self rather than getting in touch with Facebook to find praise and attention. Maybe my baseline personality is knowing what makes me happy from what doesn’t and the rest are constantly changing. As long as I’m happy with what I’m doing and not forcefully, I know I’ll be fine.


4 thoughts on “Day 9: Who am I?

  1. And even if he is changing who you are to some degree, at least part of it is he is making you less of a liar. haha I need to find someone to keep me honest, too.

    Thanks for the shout out and I’m glad something I said got you thinking.

    • Hhaha true that! I’d give Ricky kudos for that 😀 Well, you seem like a really nice guy with an interesting mind, you’ll get “someone” eventually! Someone’s going to come along when you least expect it! 😀

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