People say that when you fall in love with a person, that person changes you: both good and sometimes bad. Ricky, who initially was my best friend, has been my inspiration even before we started dating. His goals to be successful inspired me to focus on my goals and my dreams. It was such a great joy knowing that I’ve got a good friend who had a clear-cut path in his life and it changed me from being a happy-go-lucky hostess, working in a 4-star restaurant- to a determined, hard-working nursing student. He was my role model. Ricky was such a great influence in my life and I didn’t realize it until recently, that even his mantra of veracity has grown on me. However,
It’s been hard for me to be clear and honest to people. Ricky knows that I lie… I lie to get myself out of situations. I do feel the hardest pang of guilt afterwards but I learned to brush it off. It hasn’t been easy recently because Ricky had always been enforcing me to simply tell the truth. There’s nothing wrong in saying the truth and as a matter of fact, it makes things less complicated. I’ve learned that being honest has made me feel pure and somewhat confident about my real emotions.
Amelia, who has been mentioned in my previous post, has been a growing hindrance to my studies and she has been the least person I want to hang out with because of her sloppy behavior and she can be very manipulative. There was an incident that happened a week ago when Amelia met Ricky and our friend, An. According to Amelia, Ricky “didn’t seem interested” with me because he seemed more interested in communicating with our friend An than I. The only reason why he was like that, because Amelia and I were busy talking about our nursing stuff. Later that afternoon, Amelia and her husband, Alex, started shit-talking about my boyfriend, assuming that he could be “banging” An and that we were “fuck buddies” way before we started dating. Woah… they barely knew any of us! I stayed for an hour in their stinky house and left Amelia asking, “Is there something wrong? Is it something I said?” I told her, “No, I have to go, I want to go somewhere and get my mind off things.” The next day, Amelia asked if I was angry at her and I told her I am not. I lied.
Earlier this week, she asked me if I’d like to join her to a Mary-Kate make- over thing and I said yes knowing that I am not even interested. Ricky knows my real feelings toward Amelia. I finally got so sick of lying that I told her I’m no long interested. Our conversation didn’t stop there:
Amelia: “I wish you could have told me when I asked you so I didn’t had to reschedule it twice just so you can join me.”
Me: “I know but it was hard to tell you considering that you were looking forward in spending time with me.”
Amelia: “Well, next time, just tell me.”
Amelia: “What are you doing now?”
Amelia: “Yeah, I’m not looking forward to the test on Monday.”
Me: “Yeah, I wish I didn’t skip classes.” (I skipped classes with her!)
Amelia: “Well, they didn’t go through much when we skipped. Want to hang out on Sunday?”
Me: “Yeah well, I think I’m just going to sit in front go the class from now on because there’s too many distractions in the back (I moved because of her. BAD IDEA!) Nah, I’m going to be busy studying.”
Amelia: “Do you not want to hang out anymore?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything about that. I just want to catch up on studying since I’ve been slacking off recently.”
Amelia: “Don’t take that the wrong way!”
Me: “I did.”
Amelia: “Sorry because I felt that you changed ever since I hung out with you and your bf and your friend.
Me: “I will be honest, I did get offended by the fact that you were over thinking that situation. You over judged my bf when you barely knew him. He was trying to be nice to the chick because he didn’t want her to feel like a third wheel. On top of that, Alex’ comment didn’t help. I am best friends with my bf for two years before we became official. We weren’t “fuck buddies,” we just felt like it was meant to be. You and Alex barely knew our story and it’s a shame that both of you jumped into that and I felt stupid enough to fall for your opinion. I wanted to forget it, but you know, it’s hard because I know it wasn’t right and I let it slip by.
I waited for her reply and I wanted to tell her the utter truth about what more that I didn’t like about her: the sloppy home she has, but that would be such a bitch move. Amelia didn’t reply and I somewhat felt at ease knowing that I let that out, but I felt bad because I kept that anger for so long. I’ve been so honest recently that I didn’t seem to care if it bothered people. It’s better to let it all out than to have it in and run away. I’m tired of running away and getting myself out of situations by lying. It’s such a bad habit to get into.
Ugh… I hear Ricky’s voice again, “STOP LYING AND JUST BE HONEST.” Goodness, I hear his voice even when he’s not around.