Day 29: Self-love conquers selfless love.

Dear Khristine,

I’m not ready. I know it sounds like I’ve been crazy about this whole Ricky- thing going on, but I don’t think I’m ready to trade what we’ve established for 7 months of single hood. Don’t get me wrong, but it’s been an amazing three months of intimate nights and moments with Ricky, but I think that we need to slow down. I do feel threatened because we’ve got plans remember? We’ve made them as our main priority way before you started having feelings for Ricky and it would do me justice if you followed our promise and our goals before settling down to another guy. I want you to remember the time before Ricky kissed you on Halloween night: the time when we felt completely unattached and we had full control of what we want in our life.

We had plans. We wanted to concentrate entirely in attending nursing school. We scored above the 90s and we were sharp when it comes to answers, but lately we’ve been doubting ourselves. We had a clear- cut path: books first before boys. We decided to spend more weekend- time with the family rather than skipping it to spend time with Ricky or some friends. Finding and meeting friends was also in the agenda because we didn’t want to simply just have one friend. We planned to work out, stay healthy and fit so that we can feel attractive to the opposite sex, without officially getting attached to anyone. We wanted to be single, happy, stable and most certainly attractive, but ever since Ricky dropped the L- bomb, you’re slowly losing our priorities. You’re slowly adding 5 more pounds, you’re not opening yourself in meeting new friends and you’re not as sharp in nursing as before. You can’t do this to yourself and to us. Just because Ricky is everything from a best friend to a potential boyfriend or future husband, you have to stop yourself from falling because you will fall to the ground with me. I don’t want any of that. It’s not fair. It’s not fair for me, and it’s not fair for us.

Do you still love me or are you trading me to have Ricky? You better not commit the same mistake of putting your priorities on dating guys rather than putting the effort into your future. You’ve wasted time. Put us first before any guys because you’ll lose your path… you’ll lose yourself. I know you when you fall in love. You lose everything and it’s stupid. You don’t want to start where we were: on the ground. We’ve worked so hard to raise ourselves to where we are now. Therefore, I ask you to wait. You and Ricky have been friends for two years now, you both waited and you two can still wait for 3 more years. We are first not you and Ricky. Remember that.

You need to wake up my dearest self. I know it’s for the best of us.

Don’t get us lost.

With love,

– Your selfish, doubtful and consciencious own self.

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