I haven’t been really active in blogging lately. A month has gone by and it has been all about Ricky, not entirely, but most of it yes. I don’t know if I’m single or if I’m freely able to wave that title with me. I am still single since Ricky hasn’t officially asked me to be his girlfriend, not that he doesn’t want to, but he just didn’t want to brand it. However,
A month long of seeing Ricky almost 5 days every week, when normally it’s once or twice a week; sleeping naked with him under his covers once or twice a week, when normally we always kept our clothes on- in one of those rare nights I slept over; kissing Ricky almost every time I see him, when normally he never came close to wrapping his arms around me; having sex with Ricky passionately, when normally we never imagined doing it every time we see each other; snuggling in his arms and feeling quite warm and secured, when normally we only chat aimlessly on his couch about our “separate” dating lives; calling each other with pet names when we normally call each other by our names; these are all indications that Ricky and I are obviously hooked to each other.
I don’t really know what Ricky and I are. He didn’t want to brand what we have, yet he would love to say that I’m his girlfriend. He didn’t want to pressure me to jump into anything such as a relationship, yet he dies every time I tell him about a guy who’s interested. He is my best friend and I tell him everything, but sometimes, I feel like that part is like a bridge that closed down. I can’t tell Ricky about these guys roaming around, but it saddens me that I can’t tell him about them when I normally do. It feels like a part of our friendship died. He did say once, “You need a girlfriend to talk about the guy-stuff,“ but I mean… I was so comfortable sharing it to him as I have been, knowing that he’ll give me his thought-provoking male insights. Besides, what do girls know about guys anyways?
Now you might be asking me, what more can I ask from a guy whom I have known for 2 years as a loyal friend and now who seems perfectly right to be a boyfriend? I couldn’t ask for more… obviously. I can’t jump into conclusions and I can’t just say, he might end up like my exes when we haven’t tried. I’m already setting myself up for failure by thinking that my relationship with Ricky is no different with all the guys who came and left. Also, I can’t assume that Ricky is someone I might have a future with, since it’s like blinding myself from reality: shit can still happen. At this point, I just want to go with the flow. Take it slow. Don’t say words that I half-way mean… like… I might be falling in love with Ricky…
I’m falling in love with Ricky. I am slowly starting to feel something for someone again… For months I’ve been utterely heartless and carelessly infatuated with random guys, but this time, I’m more certain, quite reluctant, scared, but curiously interested.
I’m falling in love with my best friend and it’s a secret that he’s probably waiting to hear. But this time, it’s one secret that I will have to hide from him until I’m fully ready to tell him.
I’m falling in love with Ricky…
Ricky: “The only difference between us among all your relationships and mine, is that we didn’t start like any other couple who started getting to know each other, then getting attracted, then jumping into a relationship, then discovering their true sides, then splitting. We’re different because we started off as friends, found our interests, found what we can tolerate with each other, found the things that piss us off, came to know our true selves, then we started falling in love, what’s next? We find reasons why we’re falling in love, things that keep us going, things that we haven’t done such as kissing… lying naked next to each other… and talking about random funny shit as we always did. We’ll just have to be ourselves, like we’ve always been to each other.”
That’s love… slowly building isn’t it?