A lot of things happened this weekend and I couldn’t get myself to write down things that has been going on inside my head. There’s just too much to think! I feel as if I’m in the middle of a hurricane: quietly and slowly digesting information in the center of a hurricane. I don’t know what to say, specially when Ricky is full of surprises. He literally blew me away and I don’t know where to begin. However…
There was a time when Ricky begged me to show him my blog (THIS BLOG!). It took me a few minutes but I showed him my earlier posts, through his laptop! Okay, so I was thinking, maybe he’s stupid enough not to save a bookmark, or let alone look through his history to read my LONG and dragging blog, but I underestimated him too much. The other night, I accidentally sent Ricky my blog URL because I intended to show it to my friend, Faith, in hopes that she’ll know what I’ve been up to lately. Ricky replied saying, “Oh… I’ve been reading your blog before and I’ve been hoping to tell you one of these days.” Oh my goodness?! Has he?! So… that means he has been reading my posts in regards to us having sex, my thoughts on it, etc. Sure, it was bound to happen because I showed it to him in the first place, but I didn’t expect him to actually literally… follow it!? Before I hit the “send” button in a second attempt for Faith to know my blog, I hesitated. I don’t want to ever show my blog to anyone I know again, even if they are my closest friend! I do talk about everything and about everyone, sometimes even scandalously too. The last thing I want is to make things awkward, well it’s too late for that now!
In hopes to keep things less awkward the next day, I wanted to hang out with Ricky and pretend that everything is back to normal. I don’t know, but it’s so hard for Ricky to really piss me off because we end up laughing at things no matter how fucked up they seem to be. Anyways, we were planning to hang out that night with another friend of mine, named Chris (GAWD, I know too many Chris!) and I felt something bizarre might happen that night, but I pushed it off my head.
Before I hopped into Ricky’s car, there was a pink paper bag sitting on the car seat. I was wondering what it was for and I even thought it was a birthday party that he was going to attend. But it hit me… it could have been for me?! NO way! What did he do?!
Me: Woah… what’s this for?
Ricky: Umm… well it’s for you…
Me: WHAT?! It’s not my birthday…
Ricky: Well… it’s about last night. I thought you’d never talk to me again because I was reading your blog and I lied to you about it.
Me: I mean you didn’t have to give me this. Wait, are you bribing me to forgive you?!
Ricky: NOOOOO Khristine!!!!!!! I was thinking of dropping it in front of your porch earlier but I didn’t know that you’ll call me today and hang out.
Me: Hahah… highlighters?! Niiiiceeeeee!!! OMG… Ferrero chocolates! Coconut! My favoriteeee !
Ricky: Yeah, I figured you need highlighters (I have a pouch full of them for studying!).
And to think Ricky’s drama stopped there, it didn’t.
Later that night, Ricky and I met up with my friend, Chris, at a bar in downtown DC. My friend Chris, who I met in my Communications class two years ago, is this rich, white, foul-mouthed conservative, who’s been having a slight interest with me- according to Ricky. I warned Ricky, who hasn’t met Chris, that he might need to tolerate Chris’ behavior and that he might not even like him. Ricky, who’s one of the most chill guys I’ve known, didn’t mind. Shortly after, we all got a couple of happy hour drinks, we were in a mild buzz and we all decided to go home. On the way to the parking lot, Chris and I have been playfully walking behind Ricky. Chris carried me onto his arms and walk some of the way and I would scream at him to put me down. That went on until we got to the bottom of the hill and I’ve noticed that Ricky was unnaturally quiet. When we were in the parking lot, we bid Chris goodbye and Ricky and I were in the car. Before Ricky shifted his car to drive, he was slightly upset and he told me:
Ricky: I feel like I was such a cock-blocker tonight or maybe I’m just tipsy and I’m saying this.
ME: What do you mean?! How can you be a cock-blocker?
Ricky: By the looks of it, it seems that I’ve been a third-wheeler. The guy clearly wants to hook up with you.
ME: What?! Chris is only a friend. He’s already dating this hot blonde chick and he’s slightly interested with his best friend.Anyways, what made you think you’re a cock-blocker?
Ricky: I mean, it has been fun hanging out with you two at the bar, but you two have been flirting and the way he carried you around earlier, actually made me angry and… ugh… jealous. Like… okay, I’ll be honest.
I know you’ve been preaching me so many times that you want to be single, okay, that’s fine with me, no pressure. But, lately, I’ve been having this weird feelings towards you, even before we started having sex. I felt as if I’m actually happy around you and I haven’t been this happy with anyone. Like I’m seriously feeling this… love. Seeing you with Chris earlier really made me angry. Also, I’m not pressuring you into doing anything and I understand that a lot of things are going on with you. I understand that we can all forget this once you get home and we’ll be back the way we are. I just don’t want to lose our friendship because that’s very important to me. But, do you at least feel something different?
I paused for a long time and I didn’t know what to say.
ME: Well… I don’t know what to say. I’m confused.
Yes, I’m confused. I couldn’t stop thinking about that Friday night with Ricky and how he professed his true feelings (even when he’s tipsy). I don’t know what to say. It’s nice to know that he has feelings for me and I’m starting to ask myself that very same question he asked me. Do you at least feel something different?
Even with my knowledge that Ricky reads my blog even though he promised he won’t ever read it again, it doesn’t really prevent me from saying what I want to say, but this time I’m very confused and my mind is blank. I try not to think too hard on things or even try to block out reasons why I shouldn’t feel different, yet my mind keep telling me,
“He’s your closest guy- best friend. Do you want to lose him too, just like the rest of your exes? Now that he feels something for you, you can’t casually talk about guys having interest in you because you know that a part of him dies. Don’t you see now? You’re actually going to lose your best friend because of jealousy. Are you even ready to be in a relationship when the time comes when he wants to be exclusive? I mean… are you two even going to that same path or are you two still open for dating other people? Do you at least feel something different?!”
My mind even asks me that very same question. I have read some of your comments and as much as the idea of two best friends falling in love to each other seems like a romantic scenario, straight out of a movie, it doesn’t work that way outside your t.v. screens. Sure, who knows, Ricky and I are perfect for each other, because we know ourselves and we’ve actually been bestest friends before we even considered dating. But am I ready to be exclusive and perhaps start a future with Ricky? I mean, all relationships lead that way right? If it lasts long enough, it results to marriage or a break-up which is the ultimate loss of a relationship and a really good friendship. I’m thinking too far ahead and I just want things to make sense. I don’t want to get hurt and lose Ricky. Our friendship is the heart in here and I want to save it.
I will never know what’s the outcome, unless I actually try. Maybe I should just naively let myself GO. Maybe instead of dodging a hurricane or from raindrops, I should actually dance with the rain and go with it. I don’t want to walk through life asking myself, “What if…” Maybe being intimate with Ricky isn’t such a bad thing. Mayyybee…