Day 13: “It was meant to be…”

Am I still single? I haven’t been in a relationship for a good 5 months and I don’t know if I’m ready to be in one. I guess it all depends on who I want to be with and how much feelings I have for that person. All along, I’ve been preaching to myself and to my best friend, Ricky, that I want to be single and I’ll be restricting myself from having sex with anyone. Who knew, that I would end up eating half of what I said. A few nights ago, I started having sex with my best friend, Ricky. And to think we stopped after that accidental night, we didn’t. So, do I regret having an intercourse with a friend whom I treated close to having a sibling, a gal-friend and now… a sex buddy? Perhaps? However…

Ricky has seen the ugly, the beautiful and the unbearable moments I had. I’ve spent the most unforgettable and exciting parties with him and friends, who are no longer spending time with us. He has seen me cry over boyfriends who left me and those that I despised so much. I’ve weeded out people from my life whom I thought were friends and yet Ricky was the last person who is left standing. I never thought that he would be the most trustful and reliable person out of the friends whom I thought were my “real buddies.” And now, to see Ricky as someone more than just my best friend, but as someone I’m becoming more intimate with, I feel quite scared.

Last night, I was sitting on his couch, reading his physics notes, while he was stroking my back. We were talking about how I was cheated on with my first serious boyfriend, Dave, with Valerie, a friend whom I comforted when she was cheated by her boyfriend, Chris (how ironic). That was 2 years ago when I haven’t met Ricky.

ME: “So, where and what were you doing 2 years ago, way before I met you and during that horrendous time of my life?”

Ricky: “Oh, I just got back from VCU and decided to move back here and pursue lab technology near home since it’s cheaper. I remember I got a job offer from Home Depot for $10.46/ hr and I only had to pass a drug test. At that time, I thought the Marijuana I took earlier when I was in VCU was out of my system, but… they found traces of it in my system so I wasn’t been able to get the job. But see, because of that minor incident, I wouldn’t have worked at Panera and I wouldn’t have met you… so it was meant to be.”

I remember looking at a picture from two summers ago when I threw a farewell party for my ex- Italian boyfriend, Giuseppe, at Ricky’s place. The frozen scenery of Ricky and I, with my short stature grabbing onto Ricky’s shoulders for a huge thankful hug has captured what I have felt for Ricky all along. I’m thankful for having him in my life, whether or not things might not go so smoothly between us in the future. Like what he said, everything that happened this far, was meant to be.

I know life is going to throw me another twist along my way and I’m slightly scared and yet, determined to face it. Whatever comes, then so be it.

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