I have been single for awhile now… for 3 or 5 months, around there. I like that I’ve controlled my life without the pressure of dating. Although there are a few guys who have been interested, I remain strong in being single. Sometimes I wish things would go the way I want things to happen but sometimes life randomly throws in hurdles that changes my intended path. I want to be single and yet…
I had sex with my best friend. His name, which I have mentioned in my earlier blog posts, hasn’t been placed with significance until now. I’d like to name him as Ricky to hide his identity (hopefully!). I have known him for 2 years now and we’ve been great friends. He has known all my darkest secrets, my historic relationships, and most of the thoughts that were inside my head. We were never as intimate as we had expected. We had kissed each other before in one of those late-night beer games such as Truth or Dare, but other than that, we haven’t really been this close to being almost like a couple.
We aren’t a couple! He is seeing this girl named Lana and he find her quite interesting. They aren’t officially in a relationship, they haven’t had sex and they only made out a few times. From what I heard from Ricky, Lana’s been busy and they only see each other whenever both of them are available. He likes her but I feel that he doesn’t like her enough. I mean, he has sent me random text messages and he seem to sound more contemplative than usual:
“Hey… do you think it’s okay if I don’t text Lana that much?”
“So I’m wondering, is it normal that I don’t see myself having sex with Lana?”
And yet… he managed to have sex with me.
I have said before that I’m not really interested in friends with benefits because things doesn’t end well with that. I don’t want to lose my best friend and I’ve told Ricky about my thoughts on us having sex. He said that he’s not like one of those guys who doesn’t only wants to have sex. Instead, Ricky wants to spend time with me doing productive things other than sex and still be great friends. I mean… I think I’m the only one who’s complicating things. Okay… so we’re great friends but with benefits… right?
What I’m scared of is… what if things get out of hand? What if we grow so intimate that we end up jumping into a relationship when I’m not ready? What if I fell in love with Ricky yet he’s starting to have feelings for Lana? Then what? I’m back to square one and I’m going to try and recuperate and lose my best friend in the process. What the fuck have I gotten myself into?
This is obviously a change of course in our relationship but it shouldn’t be. Our friendship is in jeopardy and romance makes it all risky to hold on. This smells like trouble. Help!