Have you ever had a slight trauma about an event? You know when your mind keeps on repeating the words, sentences, sounds, smell, and images of that particular shock? Well I have one of those.
Yesterday afternoon, I was in skype with Beppe. I was having a conversation with him, which clarified everything and left me really shocked.
It’s another ending with another ex-boyfriend.
Last week, I cut ties with D and now, it’s Beppe’s turn.
These are Beppe’s words that kept on circulating in my head for the past 24 hours or so:
“I can’t wait for you for two years until your graduation.
I still have plans to go to Australia or California, but for now,
I need to work at Switzerland.”
“I know I don’t want to lose you.
I’m afraid of losing you to someone.
I’m scared to find that one day when you move on,
You will delete me from facebook,
You will not be online in skype anymore,
I won’t receive any e-mails from you.”
“I have it hard too, but yours is harder.
I’m sorry that’s how you feel, but I don’t know what to do for you.
You are far away and we’re both far away from each other.
Maybe what you suggested is better… to not talk to each other for awhile.”
“We are both young. We don’t know what will happen in 6 months from now.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that you wanted to be in a long distance relationship before I left?
Why don’t you just tell me what you feel instead of telling me all these words?”
“I’ve been in a long-distance relationship before and you know how it ended…
I didn’t want to end things with you in a bad note.”
“I want to share an apartment with you, one in which you and I can share together. But for now,
I don’t have goals like that. At least you do, but my goal as of right now is to survive.”
As you can see… the way I laid out everything is sporadic, like my mind. It’s going around and around… telling me what Beppe said yesterday. Now that I see it all laid out in front of me, I’ve come to realize something:
We can’t pursue a relationship. We both have to go on our own paths. We both have to let go. I have to let go.
And that’s the bitter and ugly truth.
I’m 20 years old and I will definitely consider living at 20 from now on. No more imagining of a “happily ever after.”
Life will end the way it should end.