I’m still thinking about the quote that I ‘stole’ from Sushi Grade Insight’s:
“Take chances and risks, and throw all caution to the wind. You only have one heart, so love, goddamn it, love until it’s battered and bruised, because that’s a sign of a heart that knows what it wants. Don’t build walls around it, because they don’t keep people out. They fence you in. When you find the people you want to spend your entire life with, never, ever give them up without a fight. People who take your breath away don’t come often; sometimes, never again. I hope you find where you belong.”
And then… I think of Beppe. No matter how much I try not to miss or even think of him, I miss him so much.
I’m 20 years old. I know that I’m young. Everyone tells me I’m young and I’ll meet so many guys along the way, but I have. In 2010, I’ve encountered and casually dated 4 guys and only one guy took my heart in the span of 3 months. In my lifetime, I’ve had 7 serious boyfriends and a couple of casual dates on the side, but only one guy stood out who did so much more than I can hope for.
But it was only 3 months and what if it was only an infatuation?
No… it couldn’t be.
I want to tell you a secret. Something that I’ve been pushing in the back of my mind because I know it scares me, but at the same time it’s making me feel bubbly.
I see a future with Beppe. What if…he’s the one?
Our arguments enabled us to be more comfortable with each other. Even if our relationship was only 3 months, I saw what I wanted in a man. Beppe and I got along pretty well. We had our arguments… and oh boy, they were interesting. I remember one night at a friend’s party; I was so drunk that I drove away. I didn’t know why. I just have the tendency to do that. Beppe was pissed that night because I was so stubborn. He left me a voicemail:
Beppe: “You know what Khristine, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!”
The next day, we were on our way back from his place and he told me, “You shouldn’t check your voicemail. You’ll stop talking to me so erase it will you?”
I put my phone on speaker and there it blew out loud- the shrieking voice of the angered scorpion. I was shocked.
So what happened after hearing that shocking voicemail? We both started laughing. I replay the voicemail 4 times and we laughed hysterically. Call us crazy but it was indeed funny.
It fascinates me that when Beppe and I fight, we’ll give each other some space and for some weird reason, we’ll start laughing and then we compromise. And truly, I never drink and drive since that last incident with Beppe. I’ve never experienced having someone who had a great impact on me. Fighting with him made us more comfortable and it led me to think that perhaps he was someone I can put up with for as long as I can handle.
For every conversation we had, I felt like I can share everything. We were both equal and we were both nonjudgmental when we talk.
He wants to know what’s in my mind. He wants to know what’s bothering me. He cares. That’s the first. A guy who cares about what I think and who cares about what I feel. He made me feel like I was in the right hands. He’ll listen to my rambles and when he talks, he’ll give me the best insightful commentaries. It seemed like we’re always on the same page. I love talking to him one on one. Beppe made me realize that he was close to being my perfect diary. His feedback made me appreciate him more and it made me appreciate myself.
Making love with him felt more than just pleasing each other.
I remember him whisper Italian words as we were making love. The best part of it was when we lie next to each other. I remember him wrapping his arms around me so tightly that it felt like he never wants to let go. I want that sensitivity from a man without trying too hard. He would kiss me in my forehead… a kiss after making love, that same kiss when I hug him tightly, and that very same kiss when I cuddle with him when falling asleep in his arms. His kiss on my forehead seemed so strange and I never knew the meaning. It wasn’t in the lips… it was on my forehead. It was an endearing gesture that when every time he kisses my forehead, it felt like he was breathing and sharing a life with me.
What’s a little scarier?
I see my dad in him. I love my dad despite how he can be so strict that it drives me nuts, but I know that my dad loves me because he wants to protect me. He loves my mom and accepts her for who she is (she’s been married twice and had kids) and my dad still accepted my stepbrother and stepsisters as his children. My dad sacrificed so much for my family and he puts our family above everything else. This was a trait I found so appealing in Beppe. Beppe highly respects his mom and his sister. He puts importance to his family and he makes it as his number one priority. It was something I really love about him. He reminds me so much of my dad, in a scary but lovely way. He had that protective knight- in- a shining armor aura and I felt like I was his princess.
I guess I’ve had one of those day dreaming fantasies that every girl wishes to have:
To get married with the guy they have fallen for, but Beppe isn’t any other guy.
Going back to Sushi’s quote, what if I want to spend my life with Beppe? What if he’s the one who took my breath away and never will I ever meet someone like him? What if… I want to pursue the unbearable truth: to be in a long distance relationship with him? What if I want to break and ‘bruise’ my heart more than it can handle because it knows what it wants…. it wants Beppe.
But then again, it takes two to tango and it takes two strong and patient hearts to make it through the Atlantic –love barrier.
I’m in the east coast USA and he’s in Italy.
Please slap me with reality.