There are some chapters that should be left unopened and untold.
Today, I thought giving a chance to reunite with my ex-boyfriend as friends would work, but it definitely can’t.
Even if “love” wasn’t there, I saw him as a friend because he knows me like a book… a possibility that maybe he could be my best friend instead.
However, it was all a failure.
There’s always the horrid past haunting us: the how- it used to be, what tore us apart, what pisses the shit out of us. Yes, those things… and I don’t think being friends will help fix those broken pieces.
It’s nice to know that he and I connected easily in conversations, but at the same time, we irritate each other far too quickly.
Jealousy comes into play when one person brags and wants to rub it in.
I mean, okay it’s nice that he found someone, but oh my God, is it necessary for him to rub it in? No. I’m not jealous, I’m just irritated.
Irritated by the fact that he’s all in love and I’m heartbroke because I lost someone.
Me: “Awww…. you guys look so cute together! But couldn’t she be a little FOB-ier than that?”
D: “Well at least she’s still HERE. At least she DIDN’T LEAVE THE COUNTRY!”
And that hit the spot.
It makes me jealous that all these couples are so in love and I’m feeling… quite alone.
And so I had to leave and I stormed out of his house. I hated it, I hated this feeling of being alone.
‘D’ is already planning for an ice-skating at the Rockefeller Center on Christmas Eve for Mint and a New Year’s Eve celebration with her in New York City. And I was thinking of myself… who am I going to spend my New Year’s and my Christmas eve with? My family again? I guess, truly, beggars can’t be choosers yah?
Oh well… life doesn’t end if I can’t have someone over the dreading cold seasons.
I talked myself through this depression:
I’m meant to be alone. I WANT to be alone. I need to be alone because I want to focus on my future, I want to focus on ME. But then again, there’s the aching feeling that… all of a sudden, I feel alone. Pretty soon, Beppe will find someone and I’m sure of that. Everyone’s happy except me… and why the heck am I being a pessimistic? Everything happens for a reason. I am alone because… I know I have to be, FOR NOW.
Storming out of ‘D’s house and deciding to never come back was the best thing I’ve done. I want to close that chapter of us. End it there. Make him happy with Mint and end our story there. It’s a chapter that I’ll never dare enter again. It failed once, another shot won’t make a difference.