It was a week ago… when I lay right next to him on his bed… this time, without his sheets on his bed.
I fell asleep around 1am ’till 2 am.
Around 2:30 am, I felt him move and so I woke up and realized that the next hour, I’ll have to drive him to the airport. Within an hour, that last hour, I laid right next to him for the very last time.
One last time.
I felt numb. I guess he felt me move, so he came close to me and wrapped his arms around me, tightly. All I can remember was that … it was dark. The room felt hallow, dark, empty and it seemed like… it had the air of mourning. He didn’t show it, but I know that he barely slept that night.
I rolled to his side and wrapped my arms around him. He kissed my forehead as I felt tears gushing out of my eyes. We both knew that on that day, we had to separate. We had to “break- up.”
He said, “We have to. But we don’t say that we ‘broke up.’ We don’t write each other about it and we don’t talk about it. We simply just let it be.”
I can’t sleep right now. It was a week ago when I was awake at the same hour and at the same day, but without him right next to me. I can’t stop remembering how I felt that night. It was a terrible feeling… it was as if I was getting stabbed through my gut.
I remember standing in his bathroom and it was completely empty. His shaving and bath utensils were gone. The bathroom, which he cleaned early that night, was left empty.
His bed that became our oasis, had no sheets on it. The pillows were bare and so was the mattress.
His closet that once was filled with his graphic shirts, was left completely empty.
All his drawers were empty.
The room itself was empty.
I felt… empty.
There are times when I feel great, but I do know that I was only fooling myself. I feel the emptiness overwhelm me and I can’t stop crying. I want to stop crying, but I can’t. As much as I want to feel happy with the memories that he left behind, I felt it was harder for me. It was harder for me to set aside those memories.
I wanted to go back to that night a week ago, in that dark and quiet room, on that bare mattress and right next to his warm body. I wanted to freeze there and to capture that moment. A moment, that can never be taken back.
I miss him so much that it hurts a lot.