The Fear.

I sat there in a corner, waiting for the days that would brand me as a single bachelorette again.

I’m not proud nor I’m excited.

It’s so painful to see the person you are falling for, slip out of your hands slowly.

The worst thing is, you can’t control the circumstances. You’re left to play with your own cards and participate.

This break up that I’m expected to go through ever since Beppe and I started dating, is counting down to its last resort.

It’s strange to say that it has been an anticipated break-up. Ever since we officially started dating, we knew that on September, we have to break up. No matter what.

So why did we jump in? Simple answer: I never wanted to regret anything and I am a proud follower of the saying, “Life is short, so I’d like to live it up to the fullest. No regrets.” It may sound as though I’m foolish and idealistic, but it was a great 3 months of knowing him. It felt like we’ve been happily dating for 3 years. But of course, all good things has their end..

Those good, perfect picture memories were definitely something to live for to remember. In 3 months, we didn’t expect anything… we just went with our guts whether what we are doing seemed so ‘corny’ or ‘strange’ to other people, but in the end, we both enjoyed those moments. In 3 months, we fell for each other.

Some people may think 3 months is short and too fast. Who can really tell when is the right time to fall in love? Is there a specific span or phase?

We were so used to each other that we don’t care if we burp, fart or barf on each other. We simply learned to love each other, just the way we were. Personally, Beppe is perfect for me. He is a chef, a family guy, a good friend, a social butterfly, caring, honest, his dominance turns me on, his short-temper challenges me, and most of all, he is sensitive. I love his sensitivity because it shows that he isn’t the typical guy who hides behind the ‘macho’ image. He wants to be there. He wants to make me feel as though I’m the only woman that he see and that’s what’s so unique about him. He was contented with me.

Our dates comprised of late night dinner at  5- star restaurants, a simple walk at the park in a breezy humid summer night, having a simple treat of gelato while we chat about ourselves, having to wake up on a Sunday morning between his sheets, and most of all, the unforgettable surprises that he has given me.

He was simply someone I saw a future with. It may scare him to read this, but he was perfect.

As 3 months went by so quickly, September finally came. It gave the warning that pretty soon, my sweetest Beppe will have to go back to Italy.

And so, the 3 months of bittersweet waiting turned into 1 month, 3 weeks and then finally… it went down to 2 days.

OH MY ****** GOD…. IT’S HERE.

So what did we decide in the end?

We decided to end it. The relationship is so beautiful that we didn’t want to drag it and we didn’t want to destroy it with doubts, distance and most of all, space. It’s the most mature and stronger way to handle things don’t you think? To end things in a good note.

Maybe someday, our paths shall cross again when time has no essence and when it seemed more appropriate for us to try one more time. But the more I hope, the more I give myself more doubts. All I can say is… all bad things result in some good things. Things? I don’t know… I have no idea. I want to be with him and that’s all I know.

I’m tired. Exhausted from sleepless nights of rolling and turning in my bed. My eyes are so tired from crying everyday and I feel like a walking zombie in my PJs.

Honestly, I am devastated. There are only two days left. How am I going to carry myself into the airport and see him disappear through the gates? How can I carry myself to say “goodbye.” How? How???? HOW?!!!

It’s hard. I’ve fallen and I don’t think I can recuperate soon.

Love sucks.

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3 thoughts on “The Fear.

  1. Love is beautiful, even when its painful. If you had your chance again – would you do the same thing over again? I am sure you would.

    Don’t lose touch with him.. and write letters, focus on the positive in your words and not what you miss. You would be amazed at how powerful letters can be.

    • I would love to go back and be a part of them again and again. It makes me cry that what used to be is now just a memory.

      I won’t lose in touch with him. I just hope that one day he won’t come to the conclusion that I should move on and that we should stop talking. I honestly don’t know where we are going with any of this. I’ll consider writing letters for now and see where it will lead.

  2. Pingback: Day 22: What if… that ghost came back? « iloveME.

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