I Want to Meet You, but I Don’t [Desperately] Need Your Friendship.

Image[Image taken]

Time is so fast when you’re in nursing school. I didn’t even realize that February is almost over!

Where did the time go?

 

The Maternity course is almost over and I am glad that we are halfway through the semester. Plus, it’s starting to get a “little” warm outside. Warm weather after a cold, long winter makes people happy.

This semester has been very challenging and different. I didn’t hang out as much with the “friends” I met last semester. We always studied together, but this time, it seemed that I was merely put aside and casted away from the two girls whom I thought were going to be my closest amigas in nursing school. Apparently NOT since I don’t have kids to take with me so I can mingle with them and that obviously, I cannot speak Spanish. Oh well, whatever. 

After getting used to being alone and not having a set of friends (besides Ricky), I decided to embrace the beauty of being “alone.” I like having the independence of meeting new people in nursing school, connecting with them through the common frustrations we have from nursing school, not creating drama with anyone, and most of all, I love doing things on my own. I don’t have to worry about going out of my way to keep friends. I no longer have that pressure. I used to dread the idea that all my old friends had their own groups and I was out- of -the- loop. In fact, a quarter of my blog had been about my depression and how I don’t have any good friends other than Ricky. My depression went on for a year, until I started school again. Thanks to nursing school, I am happy that it made me very busy and preoccupied me with things to do rather than waste my time and wait for people to come into my life. 

 

I’ve had a love and hate relationship with Nursing. 

I hate that I have to spend hours and hours of studying just to pass, but I have so many reasons why I love it. One of them, being that I meet people who have *almost* the same interests as me. They are all trying to get through nursing school like me. Outside of school, they have different characters, which I am most interested in. However the downside of it is that I’ve met some whom I’ve been close with in the first semester and then we’ve grown apart over the next months. It’s normal and I’ve grown to accept it.

I like to meet people and I’m not really looking for any best friends or a set of friends. I only want to be in the company of people- whether they stay or go. 

I’m just really happy that in every semester, I’ve met quite a few people and I don’t feel entirely alone anymore. Plus, student nurses make a great support group!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When you try to run away from your past, IT WILL HAUNT YOU.

download

[Image taken]

I failed my first test in nursing school.

It’s the first time that I ever failed anything in nursing school, so as you can imagine, I was a totally wreck when I found out. After a day of mourning for my big, fat “F,” I had to dig deep and ask myself why I failed. The answer was obvious: I didn’t take things seriously and I definitely DID NOT go back to the book and reviewed EVERYTHING.

So yes, I deserve the “F” but it seems hard to pull myself up since I don’t like Maternity from the get go. Maternity was NEVER my strongest area. I never did well with OB/ Maternity when I was in my License Practical Nursing school. I had to take the final exam twice because I failed it (I guess I didn’t fail an exam in nursing school for the first time! hah!)

After going through the exam questions with my instructor, my mind was kind of surprised with the “WTF I KNOW ALL THIS, WHAT HAPPENED.” I really knew the answers, but I didn’t seem to know why I didn’t pick the obvious right answers… it’s like DUH..

I know why… before I took my test, I had the mentality of, “Oh, you know, you got this, no need to study THAT hard since you read the chapters and you answered 135 questions.” I got my walls completely down and when I saw the questions, I was caught off guard! I underestimated Maternity, like I did, two years ago!

So, in hopes of not failing for the second time, I’m trying to cram and read the chapters that I haven’t read. I don’t know how I’ll approach things differently, but I know something about myself:

When I get super stressed out and when I have the fear of failing, I tend to work harder. Hopefully, that mentality helps me.

So… the test is on Monday. HOPEFULLY, I PASS. PLEASE INCLUDE ME IN YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS!

Thank you!

<3

K

I’m so tempted to take you all back.

 

Image

I hate making rash decisions every time I’m PMSing. Usually around that time, I am very lonely, depressed and jealous of the world. My self-esteem is very low and I desperately need some kind of company. I don’t know what led to the event of calling someone from my past and giving that person another shot in my life, but to this day, I deeply regretted it. 

 

Wait the minute… If you’re assuming that I hooked up with someone from my past- NO. It feels like I did, but it’s not even close. 

 

There’s this guy (it usually starts off like that doesn’t it?) named Jason, who is the best friend of Mr. Nit Picky and Beppe’s ultimate enemy. Jason and I bonded together after Beppe left me in the Fall of 2010 and I ended up meeting Mr. Nit Picky through him. Over the years, we’ve gone out-of-touch, partly because he kept pushing me to date (or hookup) with Mr. Nit Picky in numerous times when in fact, I was unstable to do such a thing after breaking up with Beppe. I didn’t like that Jason and Mr. Nit Picky played games with me, as if I was some trophy to win over. So, on the night of my 21st birthday party, I confronted Jason and Mr. Nit Picky, with a couple of shots under my belt, and that they were a bunch of immature f*cks who need to grow up. In that moment, I finally decided to take them both  out of my life.

Apparently, through the years, Jason tried getting my number from friends and he tried adding me in Facebook. Unfortunately, I never responded nor anyone ever wanted to give my number. He finally got my number after Mr. Nit Picky talked to me after so many years. Ever since then, Jason has been bugging me to call him, which is a habit of him that I distinctly remember that I hated so much. No matter how much “busy” you tell him over text messaging, you’ll hear him ring your phone again and again and again… till you succumb into calling him, which I did out of boredom. Over a very short phone call, I confronted him again about the reason why I decided to cut things off between me and the two of them. However, for some weird reason, I felt desperate to get the old times back when I was the center of attention, therefore I decided to give Jason another shot. To be honest, after two or three phone calls with him, it didn’t sound like he changed even though he clearly told me that he did. He was the same Jason- foul-mouthed, short-tempered and he irrationally jumps into conclusion…. which are qualities that I despise from him.  

There are a lot of reasons why I never wanted to take him or Mr. Nit Picky back. First and foremost, I am done with the flirting stage and getting impressed by “bad boys” who likes cars. To be honest, after four years of not hanging out with them, I strongly feel that I’ve grown apart from them and anyone I’ve stopped talking to in 2010. I like spending my Saturdays at home instead of wearing skimpy clothes just to get Mr. Nit Picky’s attention. I like drowning myself in books instead of wasting my time trying to find an outfit to impress the Sterling boys (Mr. Nit Picky and Jason’s group of boys). I like to spend time with my family even if it involves watching lame Filipino TV shows, instead of going out to the bar with them and discussing about girls and how to score one. I love wearing “plain clothes” instead of putting so much effort to get anyone’s attention. I’m done with all that! 

But… then there’s a part of me wondering if they’ve changed and there’s a part of me that wants to “prove” to them that I’m not the silly, naive and meek Khristine that they used to know. But then again, Ricky asked me:

“Why do you have to prove yourself to others when you can just prove all that to yourself?”

 

Exactly… why should I waste my time in trying to impress anyone when they don’t deserve to see any of that in the first place? (Isn’t that what he said?)

 

But anyways, Jason’s planning on moving back here from Florida for good. He wants to “treat me to dinner” and that he “misses talking” to me. Quite frankly, that’s very weird. It sounds like a date? EWW.

 

I feel like blocking him in Facebook and my cellphone. But then I don’t want to suffer with the what-ifs.

WAIT… what is the what-ifs anyways? Why should I even think of one? 

Gross.

 

So… what should I do?

Image

 

 

I make a dozen excuses when friends invite me to go out:

I’m busy.

I’m working.

I have to wake up early.

I couldn’t reply because I’ve lost my phone.

I am studying very hard for a test.  (not really)

I have to pick up my mom from work.

I am very sick.

The REAL reasons why I hesitate to go out:

Because I don’t like to get drunk, no one’s going to drive me home.

Because I don’t have enough money to go bar hopping.

Because those “friends” are intolerably annoying and BORING.

Because the only way I can have fun with them is by drinking alcohol.

Because I simply don’t like to get ready, dress up and go.

Because I’m lazy to drive.

And…

Because I don’t want to be alone. I want to bring Ricky.

The last reason shows how dependent I am with Ricky. That’s bad. When Ricky and I were still friends, I would go to parties alone. I didn’t rely on a boyfriend to come with me. I didn’t really care who was there and I didn’t care if I didn’t have fun. All I wanted was a company of people. Now that I’m dating Ricky, I became skeptical of people and almost dependent on him. I always think that I wouldn’t enjoy anyone’s company without Ricky. I felt so alone and vulnerable when Ricky wasn’t there. It was really awful.

So today, I am supposed to go to my friends’ house. I haven’t talked to any of them in four months after they all forgot my birthday. I almost bailed out on them [again] because Ricky wouldn’t be there. However, I challenged myself to make an effort to be happy alone and to claim that individuality I’ve lost while dating Ricky. I have to make my own friends- separate from Ricky’s guy pack. Hopefully, I am a lot more tolerable with my friends as I tend to be a lot sensitive than usual.

change starts with you

I think one great tip is that you should always love yourself. If you don’t love yourself, take care of yourself, cater to yourself and that little inner voice, you will really not be very worthy of being with someone else, because you won’t be the best version of you.

Kimora Lee Simmons

I want to change so bad. I hate feeling depress, insecure and soulless.

I want to be the best Khristine that I can be.

It’s been a long time since I’ve paid much attention to me. I have been worrying about my school requirements, my future career path, friends I wish I have, and my relationship with Ricky. It’s been awhile since I’ve pampered myself. It’s been ages since I’ve painted my nails, put on make-up and worked- out.

I’ve had a long-term battle with loving myself. Some days I hate myself, some days I truly adore being me.

But I really want to establish a long-term relationship with me without feeling like I am my own enemy.

The biggest change I want to accomplish is to stop being so insecure and for doubting myself.

I believe in myself. 

I believe that I am beautiful in my own way.

I accept that I’m not a 10/ 10 who’s meant to be a superstar or a model. I am a 10/10 because that’s the rating I give to myself.

I accept my imperfections and I am human. However, that doesn’t mean I can’t be different and that I can’t be the best that I can be. I’m going to be a new-me, only I’ll be the better version. I’m going to fill the next pages of my blog with so much light, so much laughter and so much love! 

Changes

Image

[Image taken]

Five days ago, WordPress has notified me that my blog turned three. My blog is a toddler and I haven’t been blogging as much as I used to (or ever!). I almost forgot that this blog existed and if it weren’t for my blog- bff, Fawn, I would have probably never logged in anymore.

I’m kidding! Of course I would never forget this blog despite the fact that I’ve made two other blogs. I’m such a traitor! Hah~

I haven’t been active in the blog-o-sphere recently because BIGGER and BETTER things has occupied my time- not that I’m implying that my blog is no longer of any interest to me. It’s just that, somehow, I’ve been occupied with such great news.

Firstly, I have been accepted to one of the most competitive nursing schools in my region. I couldn’t believe that I’ve made it into the RN program where so many have tried and dreamed so hard to get into. They have only accepted 34 students in my program, including me, and I feel very very honored!

Despite the fact that I’ve been accepted, I had to complete the other important requirements that are due by the 12th of August. So, as you can tell, I have been really busy in completing my immunizations, liability insurance, attending orientations and so forth. It has gotten so stressful that I almost missed my period for an entire month. I thought I was pregnant from all that monkey-business with Ricky and I’s one-week vacation in Cali and Vegas. Luckily, last Wednesday, the last day of July and dad’s birthday (ironically), my period came and I’m NOT pregnant!

In the flip side…

So many things has happened for the last months when I haven’t been blogging. I’ve stopped running and I’ve gained a few pounds where I’m currently standing at 140 lbs (BMI: Overweight). My insecurity has doubled and I’ve completely ditched my [immature] friends – leaving me with Ricky (it’s not my fault that I matured faster than any of them). Lastly, I have been putting my free time into socializing in a “metaworld” where I’m interacting with avatars. I have been inactive in my real life socially and I am planning on changing that as soon as I start school.

I have huge expectations in going back to school. I hope that I would gain as many friends as I could, but when I’ve attended my orientations, most of the people in my program are… well, older. Some have kids, married, in their middle-age and some are even as old as my mom (she’s 56!). I don’t think I’ll be able to make friends, because I couldn’t relate to any of them. This is probably why it’s hard for me to find girl-friends because it’s either I’m too young or that my mindset is too mature. I’ll just try to join the honor society or some school club if I have enough time. Maybe I’ll ditch the idea of working part-time. Oh whatever. I’m excited!

Finally, I’ve been wanting to start a new blog which is solely for fitness and working out. I want to go back into running again and actually aim to be really fit and toned. I want to start another blog, but it seems that I am tired of making new ones. Maybe, this blog should house all that fitness updates. After all, it’s already three-years-old and this blog could use a change. Maybe I’ll stick with adding fitness updates and still stick into adding my other musings about my personal life.

Oh well… we’ll see.

Day 38: What are you doing?

“What are you doing?” 

That’s the question I’ve been asking myself lately. What am I doing?! Why am I being all depressed when this blog is entitled  “iLoveMe.” Obviously, it shouldn’t be about how depressing my life is or how I’m going downhill. It should be about… well trying to discover ways that I could fall in love with myself or make myself happy!

OMG.

So for the past few days, I’ve realized that reading my blog is treacherous and mood-killing. Even I hate reading my latest posts.

 

SO… I’ve decided to turn things around and hopefully, I stick to this plan.

 

I have a love-hate relationship with working out and I figured that I think it would be better if I post my progress here. That way, I would be more motivated to actually work-out and lose 15 lbs since I’m 135 lbs with a height of 5’2: THAT WEIGHT IS BAD.

 

Wish me luck and hopefully, you’ll stay tuned! :D  

Day 36: In need of a friend.

It’s 11: 21 pm and I’ve logged into Facebook for the sixth time today. I lied, it’s actually six plus ten, that’s how much it was. As usual, I see people’s updates in my feed- people, not friends (with the exception of my siblings and my mom). I often wonder, why do I keep all 169 people in my list when none of them count as my friends? I think I see the good side in people despite my cynical disposition in their motives, but in all honesty, none of them really care about me.

However, what they love to do is to “like” my pictures, my occasional rants of begging for company, my inspirational quotes, but none of them likes to dial my number to call me or to even write me a “how are you?” on my wall or my inbox. Even with the so-called friends I’ve gotten to know more closely, they haven’t been in contact with me. It seems that alcohol was the only thing that connected us all.

But anyways, it has been like that today and every day. My phone vibrates endlessly throughout the day and the only thing close to having a communication with the rest of the world are spam e-mails on numerous discounts, demanding Facebook requests in fueling people’s obsession with Candy Crush, nagging updates for my phone and Ricky’s texts messages. He’s the only one I’ve been communicating with other than my family’s requests. I mean, it sounds like I should be contented with that, but I’m not.

Recently, my dreams have been weird. Every night, I have been sent back in time when I used to go to school in the Philippines. I was hanging out with my childhood best friend, Stephanie, who was the only person I enjoyed hanging out with before I left for America.  Spending time with her was almost realistic, yet surreal. I didn’t want to leave because my mind was feeding off from what completed me: her friendship. However, my subconscious mind drew a strong parallelism with the reality and my dreams to the point where it all clashed into a twister of confusion and then I was in the verge of not wanting to wake up until it brought me to the edge of reality: my sadistic thoughts and every piece of my worries rushed back to my body to wake me up. It has been like this almost everyday but sometimes, I wouldn’t remember my dreams. I would sleep for hours, sometimes nine to ten hours and I wouldn’t want to wake up. I would set up an alarm to wake me up at exactly eight hours of sleep time, but I strongly urge myself to go back to dreamland. Dreaming was my escape from reality, from loneliness and the pain of being alive and incomplete. It was my numbing addiction and it has kept me sane so far.

Sometimes, I question my sanity. I over think and try my hardest to cheer myself up. However, it’s not always pretty in my head. I envisioned stabbing myself with a knife, wondering how it feels like to have that blunt stabbing pain pressing onto me, puncturing every organ, while my blood trickles down to a huge bloody puddle on the floor. My thoughts of suicide become more vivid when I realize that there isn’t something I’d live for or when I feel the dull silence of loneliness. No one cares as much, except maybe Ricky who half-listens and who half-understands. I tried battling my depression but my inadequacy in terms of my hiatus in my career and failed friendships have led me to be weaker. I lost my spark to look forward in life as if my embers have been scattered elsewhere or have been frozen with the occurring harshness of life. It feels like I’m in a dark tunnel with no end and no signs of light. I tried my hardest to push forth, but it’s all very repetitive. I’ve posted quotes on my mirror and on my walls encouraging me to push and to hope harder- but I happen to see past all of them. The words in those quotes are redundant and they begin to sound empty to me.

I’m trying to find my light- that light that I imagined at the end of the tunnel. I think the main reason why I haven’t given up it’s because I still have a tiny bit of hope- a small, wavering light buried underneath all the frozen embers-still lit but very fragile. I imagine myself- bigger, boastful and certainly satisfied with life. I see myself working in my dream job, meeting co-workers who would eventually become some of my friends, and standing tall and prideful to those who have forgotten me completely when I was weak.

I know that all of these sufferings are temporary because eventually it will all pay off. Not now, not tomorrow, but soon. Life is a cycle and I’m glad that it is or else, how are we suppose to live without going through hell first and then surviving it to make it to heaven?

In this very moment that I’m typing this, I want to be thankful that I’m still living and experiencing this sad part of my life. People are worrying for far greater things than me and they have a million reasons to end it all, but most of them still chooses to live. I want to be a person who becomes a prodigy of success from my depression and not a reminder of pity and of giving up. Right now, I want to accept every inch of my loneliness, every empty space in my heart, and all of my inadequacy. I want to lay out this ugly side of me and all my vulnerability to the world. This is who I am and this is what I have come to accept before I get to the end of the tunnel. I accept all of this because honestly, I don’t give a rat’s ass about it anymore.

So, to my reader, thank you for patiently reading my rambles. I hope I could shed a light into your life no matter how sad or happy you are right now.

Thank you, you’ve made a purpose in my life:

To tell you all my misery that were driving my sanity off the edge and all my hopes that are still keeping me in touch with you.

I sincerely thank you for everything.

Day 35: The same crap

Image

I want to scream because I feel this ‘emptiness’ inside me grow bigger that it starts to hurt. I feel so lonely and isolated. After all, isn’t this what I’ve asked for? People would leave me alone and let me be. But it seemed as though they’ve tossed me aside- like some side dish to their main course.  But really, I feel like I want to scream and cry, but I cannot bring myself to do any of that.

The idea of “being happy by yourself,” and without depending on other people for happiness was initially suggested by Ricky. He believes that I shouldn’t rely on people to make me happy or for the sake of having company. [But aren't human beings social by nature?] He thinks that I shouldn’t chase after people and let them come to me… blaahh blahh blahh.

What he doesn’t understand is that we’re different. He’s introvert and prefers spending his quiet nights playing his guitar, watching YouTube videos, getting amused aroused by the pictures in Chive and jerking off on some blonde b*t*ch in pornland. I, in the other hand, would prefer either spending the night by crafting alone [when I have no one to hang out with]  or to hang out with people [who doesn't heavily chug alcohol like it's water] and by people- I mean, friends who I can be myself and be spontaneous with!

I think Ricky has it easier with everything else. He’s got friends from high school whom he can call whenever. I can’t do that because I didn’t have friendships in high school that survived this long. I know of some people whom I used to hang out with, but it’s been years and if it’s anything, we’ve only hung out because of a project we had to do.

The main root of my friendship disappointments stretches back to when I first came here in America. We moved a lot before we settled in Virginia and it has been tough trying to make friends because I knew those friendships won’t last. Then when we finally settled into Virginia, I dated my first boyfriend, Dave, when I was 16 and I was utterly naive. I wouldn’t spend time with any school mates because I knew I was comfortable with him and having friends didn’t seem like it was necessary at that time. After three years of dating Dave, I felt utterly alone because he was the only friend I’ve got. Eventually, I found friends, then ditched them for a new boyfriend, we broke up, then I try to find friends then have a new guy… etc. It has been a cycle.

In all honesty, I’ve got more experience in dating instead of handling friendships. I am very skeptical of people’s motives; therefore, I don’t usually keep them close. The only ones who  pursued in getting my trust were men who were willing to date me. Other than that, I haven’t met anyone at this point, who wanted me to trust them. Maybe I do, but I’m just being too stubborn and too picky.

Hopefully, this feeling gets better eventually…

Day 32: Green light.

Image

[Image taken]

Earlier this evening, Ricky and I had another argument again.

I blamed him for being boring and for being too busy. I blamed him for not being spontaneous  enough and for being too predictable. I blamed him for being too boring because he’s studying a lot, so that he can finish school and have a future. I blamed his predictability for his hectic career. I blamed him for not having enough time for me. I blamed him for making me rely on Rover, a guy friend, to fill the “boy friend time” that I should be spending with Ricky. I blamed him for making me feel bored in our relationship.

Earlier, when I was clouded in my own misery, I didn’t realize that Ricky doesn’t feel bored in our relationship. He feels uneasy, inadequate but not bored (not that I know of). In my realization, his life, despite hectic and busy, is a lot more challenging and filled with more important things to do. His life is the complete opposite of what I have. I don’t have a hectic schedule and I don’t have deadlines to stress about. I’m a so-called bum, waiting for my “go-signal” to come. I’m the one who’s bored and I’m the one who’s boring. I hate that I blame my boredom to Ricky when it’s me who has the problem.

Lately, I’ve tried to make myself happy. My self-esteem has gotten better. I feel beautiful, yet I feel sad. My depression has gotten worse. I can’t sleep at night. I think a lot. I literally have to wait for the clock to strike to 5 am in order to sleep or I succumb to Nyquil to help me. I don’t know what’s making me more depressed: my life or being surrounded by problematic people. Recently, I’ve been hanging out with people who are having problems with their love life and it’s taking a toll on me. I over think their problems and I try to see their perspective beyond what they can see. I try so hard to help them by listening but I’ve only made things worse for me: I become their “shock-absorber.”

Truly, I am a wallflower and I am slowly getting sucked into my own endless thoughts and it’s eating me alive. Running doesn’t help much. I like to think that I run and sweat, but I don’t know if I’m really losing weight. I could care less if I lose weight since I know my physical health is okay. However, my mental health has been a little unhealthy. I’ve been depressed, I see shadows moving bigger- as if they are closing in on me. I’ve thought about hanging myself and ending it all and yet, I’m scared to do it, because I still believe that I have a “half full” cup of hope. Also, I am very fake. I put this facade that I’m very happy, but deep down inside, I’m hanging on a single thread and I’m about to fall down into a pit of dark, melancholic abyss. No one knows how miserable I am, except Ricky.

Florence Welch’s “Over the Love” made me stronger.

I feel miserable, but somehow, there is still a small torch of hope- flickering inside me. A “green light” as F. Scott Fitzgerald defined it in his novel, The Great Gatsby: “a single green light, minute and faraway.” These are the moments when I need to keep that torch burning brighter and stronger. I have to sustain my own hope inside me because it’s what keeps me going. I know that I’m in a complete turmoil right now, but I know that all things will work out fine. I truly know this.