I Want to Meet You, but I Don’t [Desperately] Need Your Friendship.

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Time is so fast when you’re in nursing school. I didn’t even realize that February is almost over!

Where did the time go?

 

The Maternity course is almost over and I am glad that we are halfway through the semester. Plus, it’s starting to get a “little” warm outside. Warm weather after a cold, long winter makes people happy.

This semester has been very challenging and different. I didn’t hang out as much with the “friends” I met last semester. We always studied together, but this time, it seemed that I was merely put aside and casted away from the two girls whom I thought were going to be my closest amigas in nursing school. Apparently NOT since I don’t have kids to take with me so I can mingle with them and that obviously, I cannot speak Spanish. Oh well, whatever. 

After getting used to being alone and not having a set of friends (besides Ricky), I decided to embrace the beauty of being “alone.” I like having the independence of meeting new people in nursing school, connecting with them through the common frustrations we have from nursing school, not creating drama with anyone, and most of all, I love doing things on my own. I don’t have to worry about going out of my way to keep friends. I no longer have that pressure. I used to dread the idea that all my old friends had their own groups and I was out- of -the- loop. In fact, a quarter of my blog had been about my depression and how I don’t have any good friends other than Ricky. My depression went on for a year, until I started school again. Thanks to nursing school, I am happy that it made me very busy and preoccupied me with things to do rather than waste my time and wait for people to come into my life. 

 

I’ve had a love and hate relationship with Nursing. 

I hate that I have to spend hours and hours of studying just to pass, but I have so many reasons why I love it. One of them, being that I meet people who have *almost* the same interests as me. They are all trying to get through nursing school like me. Outside of school, they have different characters, which I am most interested in. However the downside of it is that I’ve met some whom I’ve been close with in the first semester and then we’ve grown apart over the next months. It’s normal and I’ve grown to accept it.

I like to meet people and I’m not really looking for any best friends or a set of friends. I only want to be in the company of people- whether they stay or go. 

I’m just really happy that in every semester, I’ve met quite a few people and I don’t feel entirely alone anymore. Plus, student nurses make a great support group!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When you try to run away from your past, IT WILL HAUNT YOU.

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I failed my first test in nursing school.

It’s the first time that I ever failed anything in nursing school, so as you can imagine, I was a totally wreck when I found out. After a day of mourning for my big, fat “F,” I had to dig deep and ask myself why I failed. The answer was obvious: I didn’t take things seriously and I definitely DID NOT go back to the book and reviewed EVERYTHING.

So yes, I deserve the “F” but it seems hard to pull myself up since I don’t like Maternity from the get go. Maternity was NEVER my strongest area. I never did well with OB/ Maternity when I was in my License Practical Nursing school. I had to take the final exam twice because I failed it (I guess I didn’t fail an exam in nursing school for the first time! hah!)

After going through the exam questions with my instructor, my mind was kind of surprised with the “WTF I KNOW ALL THIS, WHAT HAPPENED.” I really knew the answers, but I didn’t seem to know why I didn’t pick the obvious right answers… it’s like DUH..

I know why… before I took my test, I had the mentality of, “Oh, you know, you got this, no need to study THAT hard since you read the chapters and you answered 135 questions.” I got my walls completely down and when I saw the questions, I was caught off guard! I underestimated Maternity, like I did, two years ago!

So, in hopes of not failing for the second time, I’m trying to cram and read the chapters that I haven’t read. I don’t know how I’ll approach things differently, but I know something about myself:

When I get super stressed out and when I have the fear of failing, I tend to work harder. Hopefully, that mentality helps me.

So… the test is on Monday. HOPEFULLY, I PASS. PLEASE INCLUDE ME IN YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS!

Thank you!

<3

K

I’m so tempted to take you all back.

 

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I hate making rash decisions every time I’m PMSing. Usually around that time, I am very lonely, depressed and jealous of the world. My self-esteem is very low and I desperately need some kind of company. I don’t know what led to the event of calling someone from my past and giving that person another shot in my life, but to this day, I deeply regretted it. 

 

Wait the minute… If you’re assuming that I hooked up with someone from my past- NO. It feels like I did, but it’s not even close. 

 

There’s this guy (it usually starts off like that doesn’t it?) named Jason, who is the best friend of Mr. Nit Picky and Beppe’s ultimate enemy. Jason and I bonded together after Beppe left me in the Fall of 2010 and I ended up meeting Mr. Nit Picky through him. Over the years, we’ve gone out-of-touch, partly because he kept pushing me to date (or hookup) with Mr. Nit Picky in numerous times when in fact, I was unstable to do such a thing after breaking up with Beppe. I didn’t like that Jason and Mr. Nit Picky played games with me, as if I was some trophy to win over. So, on the night of my 21st birthday party, I confronted Jason and Mr. Nit Picky, with a couple of shots under my belt, and that they were a bunch of immature f*cks who need to grow up. In that moment, I finally decided to take them both  out of my life.

Apparently, through the years, Jason tried getting my number from friends and he tried adding me in Facebook. Unfortunately, I never responded nor anyone ever wanted to give my number. He finally got my number after Mr. Nit Picky talked to me after so many years. Ever since then, Jason has been bugging me to call him, which is a habit of him that I distinctly remember that I hated so much. No matter how much “busy” you tell him over text messaging, you’ll hear him ring your phone again and again and again… till you succumb into calling him, which I did out of boredom. Over a very short phone call, I confronted him again about the reason why I decided to cut things off between me and the two of them. However, for some weird reason, I felt desperate to get the old times back when I was the center of attention, therefore I decided to give Jason another shot. To be honest, after two or three phone calls with him, it didn’t sound like he changed even though he clearly told me that he did. He was the same Jason- foul-mouthed, short-tempered and he irrationally jumps into conclusion…. which are qualities that I despise from him.  

There are a lot of reasons why I never wanted to take him or Mr. Nit Picky back. First and foremost, I am done with the flirting stage and getting impressed by “bad boys” who likes cars. To be honest, after four years of not hanging out with them, I strongly feel that I’ve grown apart from them and anyone I’ve stopped talking to in 2010. I like spending my Saturdays at home instead of wearing skimpy clothes just to get Mr. Nit Picky’s attention. I like drowning myself in books instead of wasting my time trying to find an outfit to impress the Sterling boys (Mr. Nit Picky and Jason’s group of boys). I like to spend time with my family even if it involves watching lame Filipino TV shows, instead of going out to the bar with them and discussing about girls and how to score one. I love wearing “plain clothes” instead of putting so much effort to get anyone’s attention. I’m done with all that! 

But… then there’s a part of me wondering if they’ve changed and there’s a part of me that wants to “prove” to them that I’m not the silly, naive and meek Khristine that they used to know. But then again, Ricky asked me:

“Why do you have to prove yourself to others when you can just prove all that to yourself?”

 

Exactly… why should I waste my time in trying to impress anyone when they don’t deserve to see any of that in the first place? (Isn’t that what he said?)

 

But anyways, Jason’s planning on moving back here from Florida for good. He wants to “treat me to dinner” and that he “misses talking” to me. Quite frankly, that’s very weird. It sounds like a date? EWW.

 

I feel like blocking him in Facebook and my cellphone. But then I don’t want to suffer with the what-ifs.

WAIT… what is the what-ifs anyways? Why should I even think of one? 

Gross.

 

So… what should I do?

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I make a dozen excuses when friends invite me to go out:

I’m busy.

I’m working.

I have to wake up early.

I couldn’t reply because I’ve lost my phone.

I am studying very hard for a test.  (not really)

I have to pick up my mom from work.

I am very sick.

The REAL reasons why I hesitate to go out:

Because I don’t like to get drunk, no one’s going to drive me home.

Because I don’t have enough money to go bar hopping.

Because those “friends” are intolerably annoying and BORING.

Because the only way I can have fun with them is by drinking alcohol.

Because I simply don’t like to get ready, dress up and go.

Because I’m lazy to drive.

And…

Because I don’t want to be alone. I want to bring Ricky.

The last reason shows how dependent I am with Ricky. That’s bad. When Ricky and I were still friends, I would go to parties alone. I didn’t rely on a boyfriend to come with me. I didn’t really care who was there and I didn’t care if I didn’t have fun. All I wanted was a company of people. Now that I’m dating Ricky, I became skeptical of people and almost dependent on him. I always think that I wouldn’t enjoy anyone’s company without Ricky. I felt so alone and vulnerable when Ricky wasn’t there. It was really awful.

So today, I am supposed to go to my friends’ house. I haven’t talked to any of them in four months after they all forgot my birthday. I almost bailed out on them [again] because Ricky wouldn’t be there. However, I challenged myself to make an effort to be happy alone and to claim that individuality I’ve lost while dating Ricky. I have to make my own friends- separate from Ricky’s guy pack. Hopefully, I am a lot more tolerable with my friends as I tend to be a lot sensitive than usual.

change starts with you

I think one great tip is that you should always love yourself. If you don’t love yourself, take care of yourself, cater to yourself and that little inner voice, you will really not be very worthy of being with someone else, because you won’t be the best version of you.

Kimora Lee Simmons

I want to change so bad. I hate feeling depress, insecure and soulless.

I want to be the best Khristine that I can be.

It’s been a long time since I’ve paid much attention to me. I have been worrying about my school requirements, my future career path, friends I wish I have, and my relationship with Ricky. It’s been awhile since I’ve pampered myself. It’s been ages since I’ve painted my nails, put on make-up and worked- out.

I’ve had a long-term battle with loving myself. Some days I hate myself, some days I truly adore being me.

But I really want to establish a long-term relationship with me without feeling like I am my own enemy.

The biggest change I want to accomplish is to stop being so insecure and for doubting myself.

I believe in myself. 

I believe that I am beautiful in my own way.

I accept that I’m not a 10/ 10 who’s meant to be a superstar or a model. I am a 10/10 because that’s the rating I give to myself.

I accept my imperfections and I am human. However, that doesn’t mean I can’t be different and that I can’t be the best that I can be. I’m going to be a new-me, only I’ll be the better version. I’m going to fill the next pages of my blog with so much light, so much laughter and so much love! 

Changes

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Five days ago, WordPress has notified me that my blog turned three. My blog is a toddler and I haven’t been blogging as much as I used to (or ever!). I almost forgot that this blog existed and if it weren’t for my blog- bff, Fawn, I would have probably never logged in anymore.

I’m kidding! Of course I would never forget this blog despite the fact that I’ve made two other blogs. I’m such a traitor! Hah~

I haven’t been active in the blog-o-sphere recently because BIGGER and BETTER things has occupied my time- not that I’m implying that my blog is no longer of any interest to me. It’s just that, somehow, I’ve been occupied with such great news.

Firstly, I have been accepted to one of the most competitive nursing schools in my region. I couldn’t believe that I’ve made it into the RN program where so many have tried and dreamed so hard to get into. They have only accepted 34 students in my program, including me, and I feel very very honored!

Despite the fact that I’ve been accepted, I had to complete the other important requirements that are due by the 12th of August. So, as you can tell, I have been really busy in completing my immunizations, liability insurance, attending orientations and so forth. It has gotten so stressful that I almost missed my period for an entire month. I thought I was pregnant from all that monkey-business with Ricky and I’s one-week vacation in Cali and Vegas. Luckily, last Wednesday, the last day of July and dad’s birthday (ironically), my period came and I’m NOT pregnant!

In the flip side…

So many things has happened for the last months when I haven’t been blogging. I’ve stopped running and I’ve gained a few pounds where I’m currently standing at 140 lbs (BMI: Overweight). My insecurity has doubled and I’ve completely ditched my [immature] friends – leaving me with Ricky (it’s not my fault that I matured faster than any of them). Lastly, I have been putting my free time into socializing in a “metaworld” where I’m interacting with avatars. I have been inactive in my real life socially and I am planning on changing that as soon as I start school.

I have huge expectations in going back to school. I hope that I would gain as many friends as I could, but when I’ve attended my orientations, most of the people in my program are… well, older. Some have kids, married, in their middle-age and some are even as old as my mom (she’s 56!). I don’t think I’ll be able to make friends, because I couldn’t relate to any of them. This is probably why it’s hard for me to find girl-friends because it’s either I’m too young or that my mindset is too mature. I’ll just try to join the honor society or some school club if I have enough time. Maybe I’ll ditch the idea of working part-time. Oh whatever. I’m excited!

Finally, I’ve been wanting to start a new blog which is solely for fitness and working out. I want to go back into running again and actually aim to be really fit and toned. I want to start another blog, but it seems that I am tired of making new ones. Maybe, this blog should house all that fitness updates. After all, it’s already three-years-old and this blog could use a change. Maybe I’ll stick with adding fitness updates and still stick into adding my other musings about my personal life.

Oh well… we’ll see.