Trust cannot be healed overnight.

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One thing I’ve learned from dating and from being in relationships where there’s constant breakup and makeup is:

People don’t change overnight, particularly someone who has cheated. If you give someone a chance instantly with no amount of handwork to earn that one, last opportunity, chances are, he or she will cheat AGAIN. Why? Because that someone has grown accustomed to how you work things. They’re like bacteria that gets immune to antibiotics. If you keep on forgiving so EASILY, then you’ll let them predict you, know your flaws and how to get around you every time they screwed up.

I’ve noticed that with Ricky. I’ve told him things that bugged me and things that we needed to work on. I’ve gone to the point where I’ve threatened to leave him because he wasn’t changing. At first, he truly took things seriously and put the effort and remained constant, but eventually, he thought that I’ll always leave him because I say things that I don’t mean, so he always said “Okay” when I told him I’d break up with him. And he knew, the next day, I’d change my mind or he would go and put an effort in leaving me notes and romantic stuff, until he goes back to being the same: completely comfortable in his own shell.

People don’t change overnight.

When I got out of class today, I found a packet that was sitting on my windshield. Ricky drove all the way to my school and placed it there. In it was a two-page letter telling me how much he wants me back and he even made me a song and recorded it in a CD. He sang about how he screwed up and he asks me to give him a chance to “pick up the broken pieces.”

Aww, how sweet, but I’m NOT convinced.

You CANNOT earn someone’s trust overnight and you most definitely CANNOT CHANGE overnight. You may have the intention to change overnight, but to prove that you’ve changed will take time, meaning months and even years. I truly don’t care if Ricky has to wait that long for me to forgive and trust him again. If he can’t, well he’s not for me. If he claims that he wants to be that guy who deserves me, then he better prove it because I’m not changing my mind any time soon.

Everything he did to me: lied to me behind my back, lied in front of my face twice, and had the guts to have sex with women WILL NOT DISSIPATE OVERNIGHT. As a matter of fact, I cannot forget the image of him getting naked in front of the cam and telling a woman:

“I want to f*ck you so bad, my cam is open… you like doggystyle baby? 

“You’re incredible… maybe we can Skype sometime? 

“I think what everybody here looks for [is a] good looking girl and [a] good conversation….”

And in the letter he sent to me today, he said, “I assure you again that I never did it [live webchat] because I was unhappy with you in any way.” Oh yeah?! Then why was he in those chat rooms looking for “good looking girl[s] and good conversation?” Isn’t he better off finding girls to bang? Furthermore, he says, “It was just a perverted and wrongful way to pleasure myself.” REALLY?! I have no problem with him being perverted and watching the good ol’ porn, but why didn’t he let out all of his pervertion and his libido out on me? Because we’re both busy? I absolutely don’t think that’s a good reason. He lives 10 minutes away from me, according to him, that was one of the reasons why I should date him in the first place. I’m not going to let all of this pass so easily.

What hurts more is I love him so much and miss being in his arms, but a side of my brain automatically turns on my emotional -defense mechanism. My mind constantly reminds me the awful sex chat I’ve read with apparently, one of the woman he constantly had sexual interactions with:

Woman: hi my sexy man

Woman: miss you

Woman: mmmm you so hot always

Ricky: hey there

Ricky: it’s been awhile

Ricky: love to see your sexy self again

Woman: mmmm

Woman: you make me horny

Woman: want you

Ricky: i can’t do pvt (private message) tonight

Ricky: is tip okay?

Woman: oki love

Woman: maybe Skype?

Woman: come to me my hot man

Woman: you make my nipples hard

Woman: want see?

Ricky: maybe I can see you naked here in public

Ricky: hell yes!

Woman: I will do it for boobs

Ricky: That’s perfect!

Ricky: I want you so bad

Woman: I want you

Ricky: Your smile drives me crazy

Woman: mmmmmmmmmm you make me crazy too

Ricky: wish you could ride me

Ricky: i’m so hard for you

Woman: mmmmmmmm i like when you are hard for me

My desire to love and trust has vanished. I cannot trust Ricky and his motives. I will always assume that he has other accounts that I don’t know about, just like that Skype account he created in part of the live sex chat account. It makes me angry that he could do all this so easily and expect me to forgive him just because he recorded me a song.

The biggest mistake that anyone could ever have, is to break someone else’s heart, who’s been through a lot from dating A*holes and has put all their effort to take a leap of faith, no matter how scary it was to get into a relationship.

I slept so soundly last night. My mind, body and soul had to rest and I wish I could go back to bed. But each day is another day.

My best friend who became my boyfriend and eventually who became my EX.

 

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I have been cheated twice in my life. 

 

You see, I thought best friends turned -boyfriends were harmless. I fell for the idea that friendship is the best foundation to any relationship. Sadly, it didn’t work out with me and Ricky. 

 

I regret bragging to everyone that he’s the “one.” I’m even embarrassed to post my “single” status in Facebook and I’m humiliated by the fact that my parents and my siblings trusted Ricky so much that they treated him like a family. He did not only break my heart, but he broke the hearts of the people who cared so much about me. 

 

Everyone thought he loved me so much that he would never ever let me get hurt. My dad even thought he was the “real deal” only to find out that he was just like my first boyfriend: a selfish cheater.

 

Shame on me for letting this happen twice in a lifetime. 

 

I wish Ricky told me what was going on his mind though. I think it would have changed everything. 

 

I’m very exhausted. I haven’t slept in 24 hours, haven’t eaten anything and I haven’t studied for my two tests tomorrow.

 

I want to remember all these pain I’m going through:

My best friend broke my heart and left me with no one to talk to. 

The image of him having sex with someone while he’s naked in front of a live web cam with a girl has been glued in my mind.

The person whom I thought was my knight -in-shining armor turned out to be another, “frog.”

I poured my heart you see? I’ve dropped all my guy friends just to stay loyal with him.

He won’t speak what’s in his mind and I never knew what he felt about everything until I force him to tell me. 

He was willing to let me go so easily just to let me do whatever I want and all along, he was doing whatever he pleases him that’s why he probably thought it was okay for me to hang out with guys so that it’ll be fair with his live webcam obsession.

 

I wanted time from him… he gave me a credit card for shopping instead. I wanted him to record the song he made for me in our anniversary, but he always said he’s too busy, recording the music will take a lot of work and that he can’t just ditch his priorities for things like that. He was up until 3 am every single night, doing live sex chat with women. I don’t know how he could be THAT busy, until I figured out that he was in fact, THAT busy trying to please himself and some women via private webcam. He was paying women to please him! All I needed was time, but like what he did to those women, he “paid” me by giving gifts because he can’t give me his TIME.

 

So, today… I decided to cut myself out from his life. I’ve always attempted to and this time, I’m setting my foot on the floor and sticking to this. I’m giving him his TIME back. ALL OF IT. He can spend it with his family, his friends, his studies and his live chat women. There won’t be naggy Khristine, no more crazy b*tch of a girlfriend and no more spending money to satisfy her.

 

He broke my trust. I trusted him. He knew better not to hurt me this way since I’ve been cheated before. I told him my experience more than once. 

In fact, he didn’t think live sex chat was cheating at all:

All he said was, “I didn’t know that you would actually get hurt. I didn’t know that it was cheating.” 

He didn’t because he didn’t care enough about what I feel about it. Clearly, all those times that he was intimately interacting with women, he NEVER, NOT ONCE did he ever admit everything to me.

I know it’s all virtual, but he was interacting with REAL WOMEN. If you could only put yourself in my shoes, I think you’d throw your laptop away because he meant everything he said:

“I want to f*ck you baby. I love your smile. I love your nice butt. Oh damn… yes, I want to pound you.”

 

The most painful thing is, after we make love and when I left, he’d go straight to the computer and have sex with other women in there. What really bothered me while I’m processing all this is, as we’re doing it, am I turning him on or he’s turned on with a different woman in his mind? 

I only have sex with him once every week now and he’d go have sex with any woman more than he’d do me. I compromised with his busy schedule and never nagged him to give it to me, only to find out that he’s been getting it from somewhere else.

 

 

I love him so much that I would do anything to work everything out. But he didn’t see me after all this. He didn’t tell me the live sex chat.

 

Ricky LIED to me. He WASN’T honest. He didn’t listen to what I needed: Time. 

 

If I didn’t find out all that live web cam BS, when will he stop? Will he do it when we’re having bigger troubles along the way? 

 

 

Sure, he didn’t have sex with an ACTUAL WOMAN physically, but he was interacting in a private room, naked, with a REAL WOMAN. I don’t care if it’s virtual, that sh*t is real! Until when was he going to keep me in the dark? 

 

 

It was all a waste. I loved him so much. I trusted him so much. My family loved him so much. He blew it all away because he was “too horny.” I know I have my flaws, but I NEVER stoop so low to cheat on him. I told him EVERYTHING even if hearing the truth was painful.

 

I’m hurt. I’m really really hurt. 

 

 

 

I don’t know if i’ll ever find the strength to forgive him. Eventually maybe, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget what he did. 

 

Today, for a second there, I saw Dave’s face on his. It was that SCARY. 

 

 

“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”

-The Mourning Bride by William Congreve
 

 

 

 

To my reader,

I’m really sorry if you’re reading this and it’s all mismatched and unedited. I had to pour out everything I feel or else I’d go crazy. 

 

My Defense Mechanism

Old Khristine is coming out.

She’s coming out with something new.

She’s not so old and yet not so new.

But she’s coming out.

Fierce.

So… go ahead and cheat.

Deny and Lie as you please

Because you and I both know

The truth to all your secrets.

Love is selfish.

I will be selfish.

Cheers to the fool I’ve become.

Here’s to the weak heart that cries

I’ll bury it alive to let its misery die.

Goodbye to the promises of tomorrow.

Goodbye to the pictures of yesterday.

 Hello to the fierce me who will NEVER

EVER

EVER

AGAIN

FALL DOWN IN VAIN.

Here’s your gift.

I’m here!

Love,

Khristine.

Day 38: What are you doing?

“What are you doing?” 

That’s the question I’ve been asking myself lately. What am I doing?! Why am I being all depressed when this blog is entitled  “iLoveMe.” Obviously, it shouldn’t be about how depressing my life is or how I’m going downhill. It should be about… well trying to discover ways that I could fall in love with myself or make myself happy!

OMG.

So for the past few days, I’ve realized that reading my blog is treacherous and mood-killing. Even I hate reading my latest posts.

 

SO… I’ve decided to turn things around and hopefully, I stick to this plan.

 

I have a love-hate relationship with working out and I figured that I think it would be better if I post my progress here. That way, I would be more motivated to actually work-out and lose 15 lbs since I’m 135 lbs with a height of 5’2: THAT WEIGHT IS BAD.

 

Wish me luck and hopefully, you’ll stay tuned! :D  

Day 32: Green light.

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Earlier this evening, Ricky and I had another argument again.

I blamed him for being boring and for being too busy. I blamed him for not being spontaneous  enough and for being too predictable. I blamed him for being too boring because he’s studying a lot, so that he can finish school and have a future. I blamed his predictability for his hectic career. I blamed him for not having enough time for me. I blamed him for making me rely on Rover, a guy friend, to fill the “boy friend time” that I should be spending with Ricky. I blamed him for making me feel bored in our relationship.

Earlier, when I was clouded in my own misery, I didn’t realize that Ricky doesn’t feel bored in our relationship. He feels uneasy, inadequate but not bored (not that I know of). In my realization, his life, despite hectic and busy, is a lot more challenging and filled with more important things to do. His life is the complete opposite of what I have. I don’t have a hectic schedule and I don’t have deadlines to stress about. I’m a so-called bum, waiting for my “go-signal” to come. I’m the one who’s bored and I’m the one who’s boring. I hate that I blame my boredom to Ricky when it’s me who has the problem.

Lately, I’ve tried to make myself happy. My self-esteem has gotten better. I feel beautiful, yet I feel sad. My depression has gotten worse. I can’t sleep at night. I think a lot. I literally have to wait for the clock to strike to 5 am in order to sleep or I succumb to Nyquil to help me. I don’t know what’s making me more depressed: my life or being surrounded by problematic people. Recently, I’ve been hanging out with people who are having problems with their love life and it’s taking a toll on me. I over think their problems and I try to see their perspective beyond what they can see. I try so hard to help them by listening but I’ve only made things worse for me: I become their “shock-absorber.”

Truly, I am a wallflower and I am slowly getting sucked into my own endless thoughts and it’s eating me alive. Running doesn’t help much. I like to think that I run and sweat, but I don’t know if I’m really losing weight. I could care less if I lose weight since I know my physical health is okay. However, my mental health has been a little unhealthy. I’ve been depressed, I see shadows moving bigger- as if they are closing in on me. I’ve thought about hanging myself and ending it all and yet, I’m scared to do it, because I still believe that I have a “half full” cup of hope. Also, I am very fake. I put this facade that I’m very happy, but deep down inside, I’m hanging on a single thread and I’m about to fall down into a pit of dark, melancholic abyss. No one knows how miserable I am, except Ricky.

Florence Welch’s “Over the Love” made me stronger.

I feel miserable, but somehow, there is still a small torch of hope- flickering inside me. A “green light” as F. Scott Fitzgerald defined it in his novel, The Great Gatsby: “a single green light, minute and faraway.” These are the moments when I need to keep that torch burning brighter and stronger. I have to sustain my own hope inside me because it’s what keeps me going. I know that I’m in a complete turmoil right now, but I know that all things will work out fine. I truly know this.

Day 31: Here’s a nightmare, I hope you wake up.

I have been depressed for the past few days and I think yesterday’s post revealed that I was in my lowest point. Miraculously, somehow, I woke up today with a bit more optimistic look in my life and it seemed as if I literally woke up from a nightmare.

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Last night, my dream revealed my deepest fear -something I have been hiding for quite some time now. I thought I’ve locked it somewhere safe, but apparently, it managed to sneak out. My deepest fear- which I think is utterly ugly- is the thought that Ricky might cheat on me. I dreamt of him as someone who resembled my first ex-boyfriend, Dave. It was as if Ricky and Dave was battling to be someone in my dream: Ricky’s calm persona switching to the douche-know-it-all Dave, all at the same time. Although, I knew that I was talking to Ricky because I remember asking who he was talking to and I immediately speculated that he was lying based on his nervous response “It’s nothing. It’s just… Zach, I…um I gotta take this outside.” Immediately, I saw a copy of his phone (I was dreaming!) blinking next to me because a text message arrived. I saw the contacts in his phone- each with an alias name- something that he has done to all his contacts in real life: He calls me “Crazy Bitch” instead of Khristine and “Big Poppa” instead of Zach. Well, in my dream, I saw different names and pet names of people. I wanted to open all his messages so bad, but his phone immediately locked itself. I began to wonder, “He never locked his phone and now he does.” This thought motivated me to speculate on Ricky. I tried opening his phone with my own code, but it didn’t open. I decided to catch Ricky’s act of cheating by waiting for another text message to arrive, so that the phone will unlock itself again, thereby allowing me to read everything. Unfortunately, in my dismay, I woke up- very nervous.

However, there was a small pause, almost like a porthole to reality that led me to believe that I was dreaming. I felt like I was in heaven, among the clouds and I was about to enter reality when it happened- I was repeating what I said from my previous blog post: ““I feel so ugly” and “I hate myself… why do I have to be like this.” Somehow, in that moment, (which I would coin as lucid dreaming) I wanted to make myself realize how my insecurities are starting to take a toll in my life. My insecurity of feeling worthless has led me to question my trust with Ricky. I recognize the same insecurities I had when I was dating Dave. Dave cheated on me with a girl whom he thinks was better than me, because I was insecure with myself, which he found undesirable. Subconsciously, my mind was trying to open my eyes by leading me into a nightmare- it was making me feel that same heart-wrenching poison of finding out that I’ve been cheated on. Despite the crazy dream, I realized that if I continue being insecure and being depressed, my insecurities might repeat history.

And so… I woke up and I was further slapped by an interview I’ve watched in Access Hollywood with Carol Burnett. She quoted her deceased daughter who died of cancer:

“One day, the nurse asked her [Burnett's daughter], ‘Why are you so happy all the time despite all that has happened to you?”

“Every time I wake up, I decided to love myself,” responded Burnett’s daughter.

It was right there and then that hit me in the face. That girl died of cancer, yet she loved every bit of herself. She had so much optimism, despite the drugs and all that she has done in the past. I looked at myself and I felt ashamed for letting myself down too much.

She was dying of cancer and I bet the chemo was turning her physically different, but she still loved every bit of herself. That’s true love right there.

 

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I believe that insecurity is the ugliest thing that can make a girl undesirable. Forget not wearing make-up. Real beauty is found in the inside and if a girl does not realize her own worth and her own unique beauty, then a man will never hold on to her. He would rather be with a girl who doesn’t wear make-up but she is content in her own skin and she is happy with her life whether it’s shitty or not. I want to respect myself and forgive myself for all the things I lack. I’m not perfect and I accept that. I want to be contented with what I have and make the most out of it. I believe that my life is beautiful and that I am truly blessed to have a chance to live and try again. I didn’t know how my mind saved me, but it triggered me to do something with my life. I know I’ll be depressed again, but hopefully I can go back to this moment and come out even stronger.

Day 29: He is getting sick of you.

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Dear friends,

I’m depressed and I’ve had images of hanging myself in my room- I probably shouldn’t be thinking of that.

My boyfriend Ricky tells me a lot that I am going to be fine that everything is going to be okay. However, the thing is, life hasn’t been okay. On top of that, he’s sick of me because I need to give him his own space. He doesn’t know that he’s the only person I love to hang out with because he’s the coolest among all of them. Apparently, being around me can be sickening to him and the only thing he seems to get around from me is sex. After all, sex is what I can pay him for everything he has done for me. It kinda sucks, but okay, I’ll give him space.

Here’s a few things I’ll do:

Cut the Boyfriend time.

I plan to see him one to two days in a week. Have sex with him one to twice a week (since that’s only how much he can give me and to ask for more will be too much since I’m demanding a lot already).

No more sleeping over.

I’ve said this so many times before, but it seems like sleeping over isn’t something he’d like anymore. He thinks I’m a burden to wake up in the morning, so I think it’s best that I don’t sleep over at his place ever.

Get-in-touch with your old friends.

It doesn’t matter who they are -even if I hate hanging out with them. I must contact them. I need them to get away from Ricky and the world. Ricky has a lot on his plate right now, so why not bother some other people instead.

Make your own friends.

I think it’s better that I stop hanging out with his friends. Those are his own pack and I need my own. I want a few friends whom I can fall back to when Ricky isn’t around. Also, it’s better that he doesn’t hang out with my own friends too. It’s only fair…

He needs his space, then I will give it to me.

No more Skyping. No more weekday visits. Limit spending time with him.

Today, he didn’t get the fact that I am someone who loves the company of people. He thinks that a few months ago, I hated people. Maybe I did because he influenced me to hate them and I’m starting to see that that’s just not me. I love gatherings and I love a crowd of people- no matter how stupid they all seem to be. He prefers staying home, studying and being alone. That’s just not my thing. He thinks that I should love spending time with myself. Maybe it’s not in my nature to sit at home and enjoy that loneliness. Maybe it’s good to lay off on spending time with Ricky since his joy of spending time alone and his “introvert-ness” has been rubbing off on me way too much. It has gotten me miserable.

I am going to do all these before I become too needy, clingy and ugly.

The weather is getting warm and it’s time to take out the old, outgoing, happy-go-lucky and party-hard Khristine for a walk. Friends, here I come.