I’m not looking forward in adding one more candle to my cake and I’m absolutely not looking forward in celebrating it. Additionally, the idea of throwing a wild party: involving-heavy-drinking, and the occasional call for dressing up, doesn’t appeal to me this year. I have been celebrating my birthday for the past three years involving alcohol and with people- whom I don’t even talk to this day. I want to celebrate it intimately with people I know who’ll be there with me on my next birthdays. But the amount of people who celebrate it with me recedes every year.

The only reason why I am going to throw a party because Ricky suggested that I should. Some people remember that my birthday is coming up and I was sort of hoping that they wouldn’t. But then again, you might be thinking, what’s the big deal in throwing a party? It sounds super fun! Well… it’s not!

Especially when I’m inviting different groups of people: the Filipinos, the Americans, the Arabs and the random Asian (FOBS). How do I make them blend in? The least thing I really want to worry is: “Oh em gee… I hope everyone’s getting along with each other. I don’t want them to think the party is booooringgg!!”

I think the main thing I’m really concerned about is that I’m exposing the different sides of me and I feel like I’ll be a chameleon- changing into different personalities just to get along with the groups who represent the parts of me. I love that with different types of people, I tend to release sides of me that are unknown to other people and this might be offensive to some and quite surprising but… it’ll be interesting.  However, I do have a firm grip of the real me: the social part of me and that’ll be the basis for interacting with them.

This past week was so busy and this coming week will be agonizingly slow.

But hey, I think with enough liquor, everyone will get along juuuuust fine

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Earlier this evening, Ricky and I had another argument again.

I blamed him for being boring and for being too busy. I blamed him for not being spontaneous  enough and for being too predictable. I blamed him for being too boring because he’s studying a lot, so that he can finish school and have a future. I blamed his predictability for his hectic career. I blamed him for not having enough time for me. I blamed him for making me rely on Rover, a guy friend, to fill the “boy friend time” that I should be spending with Ricky. I blamed him for making me feel bored in our relationship.

Earlier, when I was clouded in my own misery, I didn’t realize that Ricky doesn’t feel bored in our relationship. He feels uneasy, inadequate but not bored (not that I know of). In my realization, his life, despite hectic and busy, is a lot more challenging and filled with more important things to do. His life is the complete opposite of what I have. I don’t have a hectic schedule and I don’t have deadlines to stress about. I’m a so-called bum, waiting for my “go-signal” to come. I’m the one who’s bored and I’m the one who’s boring. I hate that I blame my boredom to Ricky when it’s me who has the problem.

Lately, I’ve tried to make myself happy. My self-esteem has gotten better. I feel beautiful, yet I feel sad. My depression has gotten worse. I can’t sleep at night. I think a lot. I literally have to wait for the clock to strike to 5 am in order to sleep or I succumb to Nyquil to help me. I don’t know what’s making me more depressed: my life or being surrounded by problematic people. Recently, I’ve been hanging out with people who are having problems with their love life and it’s taking a toll on me. I over think their problems and I try to see their perspective beyond what they can see. I try so hard to help them by listening but I’ve only made things worse for me: I become their “shock-absorber.”

Truly, I am a wallflower and I am slowly getting sucked into my own endless thoughts and it’s eating me alive. Running doesn’t help much. I like to think that I run and sweat, but I don’t know if I’m really losing weight. I could care less if I lose weight since I know my physical health is okay. However, my mental health has been a little unhealthy. I’ve been depressed, I see shadows moving bigger- as if they are closing in on me. I’ve thought about hanging myself and ending it all and yet, I’m scared to do it, because I still believe that I have a “half full” cup of hope. Also, I am very fake. I put this facade that I’m very happy, but deep down inside, I’m hanging on a single thread and I’m about to fall down into a pit of dark, melancholic abyss. No one knows how miserable I am, except Ricky.

Florence Welch’s “Over the Love” made me stronger.

I feel miserable, but somehow, there is still a small torch of hope- flickering inside me. A “green light” as F. Scott Fitzgerald defined it in his novel, The Great Gatsby: “a single green light, minute and faraway.” These are the moments when I need to keep that torch burning brighter and stronger. I have to sustain my own hope inside me because it’s what keeps me going. I know that I’m in a complete turmoil right now, but I know that all things will work out fine. I truly know this.

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Last night, my dream revealed my deepest fear -something I have been hiding for quite some time now. I thought I’ve locked it somewhere safe, but apparently, it managed to sneak out. My deepest fear- which I think is utterly ugly- is the thought that Ricky might cheat on me. I dreamt of him as someone who resembled my first ex-boyfriend, Dave. It was as if Ricky and Dave was battling to be someone in my dream: Ricky’s calm persona switching to the douche-know-it-all Dave, all at the same time. Although, I knew that I was talking to Ricky because I remember asking who he was talking to and I immediately speculated that he was lying based on his nervous response “It’s nothing. It’s just… Zach, I…um I gotta take this outside.” Immediately, I saw a copy of his phone (I was dreaming!) blinking next to me because a text message arrived. I saw the contacts in his phone- each with an alias name- something that he has done to all his contacts in real life: He calls me “Crazy Bitch” instead of Khristine and “Big Poppa” instead of Zach. Well, in my dream, I saw different names and pet names of people. I wanted to open all his messages so bad, but his phone immediately locked itself. I began to wonder, “He never locked his phone and now he does.” This thought motivated me to speculate on Ricky. I tried opening his phone with my own code, but it didn’t open. I decided to catch Ricky’s act of cheating by waiting for another text message to arrive, so that the phone will unlock itself again, thereby allowing me to read everything. Unfortunately, in my dismay, I woke up- very nervous.

However, there was a small pause, almost like a porthole to reality that led me to believe that I was dreaming. I felt like I was in heaven, among the clouds and I was about to enter reality when it happened- I was repeating what I said from my previous blog post: ““I feel so ugly” and “I hate myself… why do I have to be like this.” Somehow, in that moment, (which I would coin as lucid dreaming) I wanted to make myself realize how my insecurities are starting to take a toll in my life. My insecurity of feeling worthless has led me to question my trust with Ricky. I recognize the same insecurities I had when I was dating Dave. Dave cheated on me with a girl whom he thinks was better than me, because I was insecure with myself, which he found undesirable. Subconsciously, my mind was trying to open my eyes by leading me into a nightmare- it was making me feel that same heart-wrenching poison of finding out that I’ve been cheated on. Despite the crazy dream, I realized that if I continue being insecure and being depressed, my insecurities might repeat history.

And so… I woke up and I was further slapped by an interview I’ve watched in Access Hollywood with Carol Burnett. She quoted her deceased daughter who died of cancer:

“One day, the nurse asked her [Burnett's daughter], ‘Why are you so happy all the time despite all that has happened to you?”

“Every time I wake up, I decided to love myself,” responded Burnett’s daughter.

It was right there and then that hit me in the face. That girl died of cancer, yet she loved every bit of herself. She had so much optimism, despite the drugs and all that she has done in the past. I looked at myself and I felt ashamed for letting myself down too much.

She was dying of cancer and I bet the chemo was turning her physically different, but she still loved every bit of herself. That’s true love right there.

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I believe that insecurity is the ugliest thing that can make a girl undesirable. Forget not wearing make-up. Real beauty is found in the inside and if a girl does not realize her own worth and her own unique beauty, then a man will never hold on to her. He would rather be with a girl who doesn’t wear make-up but she is content in her own skin and she is happy with her life whether it’s shitty or not. I want to respect myself and forgive myself for all the things I lack. I’m not perfect and I accept that. I want to be contented with what I have and make the most out of it. I believe that my life is beautiful and that I am truly blessed to have a chance to live and try again. I didn’t know how my mind saved me, but it triggered me to do something with my life. I know I’ll be depressed again, but hopefully I can go back to this moment and come out even stronger.

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I have this feeling again.

I can’t breathe.

My heart is pounding so hard and a lot of things are going through my mind.

My doubts and insecurities are eating me alive:

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to get into the RN- program since I failed the entrance exam.”

“I’m so dumb in Math… I can’t even calculate simple fractions and decimals without a calculator!”

“I feel bad that Ricky is supporting me with… everything. I feel like a huge burden to him.”

“I hate myself… why do I have to be like this.”

“I don’t know why I keep pushing people out of my life.”

“I want people to like me.”

“I feel so ugly.”

“I feel so fat with this belly.”

“Why can’t I be as perfect as Jennifer Lawrence?”

“I want to be someone but how do I become one?”

“I dream so much and all I do is make them up.”

“Am I going to be a really good nurse someday?”

“What if I kill someone -accidentally?”

“What if Ricky finds someone better than me?”

“Am I a snob?”

“I am such a two-face:

“I appear to be happy, but I’m depressed just like everyone else I know who’s running to me for advice.”

I know that I have to remember to love myself, but it’s getting harder to be me. I wish that for a month, I could be happy.

I think it’s getting dim in my side of the world. I have to switch the lights on before I lose myself completely.

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Dear friends,

I’m depressed and I’ve had images of hanging myself in my room- I probably shouldn’t be thinking of that.

My boyfriend Ricky tells me a lot that I am going to be fine that everything is going to be okay. However, the thing is, life hasn’t been okay. On top of that, he’s sick of me because I need to give him his own space. He doesn’t know that he’s the only person I love to hang out with because he’s the coolest among all of them. Apparently, being around me can be sickening to him and the only thing he seems to get around from me is sex. After all, sex is what I can pay him for everything he has done for me. It kinda sucks, but okay, I’ll give him space.

Here’s a few things I’ll do:

Cut the Boyfriend time.

I plan to see him one to two days in a week. Have sex with him one to twice a week (since that’s only how much he can give me and to ask for more will be too much since I’m demanding a lot already).

No more sleeping over.

I’ve said this so many times before, but it seems like sleeping over isn’t something he’d like anymore. He thinks I’m a burden to wake up in the morning, so I think it’s best that I don’t sleep over at his place ever.

Get-in-touch with your old friends.

It doesn’t matter who they are -even if I hate hanging out with them. I must contact them. I need them to get away from Ricky and the world. Ricky has a lot on his plate right now, so why not bother some other people instead.

Make your own friends.

I think it’s better that I stop hanging out with his friends. Those are his own pack and I need my own. I want a few friends whom I can fall back to when Ricky isn’t around. Also, it’s better that he doesn’t hang out with my own friends too. It’s only fair…

He needs his space, then I will give it to me.

No more Skyping. No more weekday visits. Limit spending time with him.

Today, he didn’t get the fact that I am someone who loves the company of people. He thinks that a few months ago, I hated people. Maybe I did because he influenced me to hate them and I’m starting to see that that’s just not me. I love gatherings and I love a crowd of people- no matter how stupid they all seem to be. He prefers staying home, studying and being alone. That’s just not my thing. He thinks that I should love spending time with myself. Maybe it’s not in my nature to sit at home and enjoy that loneliness. Maybe it’s good to lay off on spending time with Ricky since his joy of spending time alone and his ”introvert-ness” has been rubbing off on me way too much. It has gotten me miserable.

I am going to do all these before I become too needy, clingy and ugly.

The weather is getting warm and it’s time to take out the old, outgoing, happy-go-lucky and party-hard Khristine for a walk. Friends, here I come.

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Hello Insomnia, we meet again.

It’s 2: 36 am and I have been awake- stalking people in Facebook, desperately trying to message old friends who have rotted in my “To Talk” list. Six hours ago, I had a mental breakdown inside Ricky’s car because I was crying for new friends, new routine, new places to eat, new things to do, basically… something different and “new.” I got pissed off over a small thing like a sandwich that Ricky thought was “bad” (as in spoiled) because it had been sitting in the car for 6 hours… I mean come on, there are so many people who can’t eat and he was going to throw that away? It really was a waste.

I don’t know why I was so pent up with so much emotions. I don’t know if it was the fullness of the moon since I seem to always turn into a moody b*tch (a friend called me a werewolf!) or that I was so emotionally stressed out that I had to basically breakdown in tears. Running in the gym didn’t help since I started looking at the people as if they were hamsters running in elliptical machines.

It was a really crazy day.

And now, I find myself unable to sleep when I need to wake up early so I can start my day right.

Not long ago, I was apologizing to old friends for being MIA and thanking them for their existence in Facebook (I’m losing it). My goal was to message all 170 friends, but you know, as I looked through my friend’s list, I started telling myself,

“Oh God, I’m not talking to her, she’s a c*nt.”

“Hell to the no that I’m hitting him up! He’ll think I’m interested in him.”

“Why am I friends with these people? I don’t even like them.”

As much as I dreaded the idea of messaging all 170 friends, I gave up and chose the ones that matter. The ones who deserve an apology from me, like my sister in Singapore whom I haven’t seen or talked to in awhile because I was too busy being a selfish teenager – “back in the day.”

Anyways, I really don’t know what I’m talking about in this post. I feel like my logical balance has gone astray, an aura is overwhelmingly making me moody and I feel more confused over the littlest things. Just in case you are wondering, it’s not PMS-ing. I just had my monthly dues! So yeah… I think my body’s a bit in tuned with nature lately: if it’s cloudy, expect me to be in a really bad and lazy mood and if it’s sunny, expect me to be so happy and with so much energy. I must be mother nature’s manifestation. (#BULL_CRAP)

Okay… I think I need to hit the bed.

Night. I meant, morning.

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My life is pretty boring right now.

I’m turning 23 soon and I’m looking back to the time when I was (younger) partying (hard-er) and socializing with people who were willing to have a great time. I was a sad drunk who made everyone chase after me before I get to my car, a drama queen who grieves over her ex boyfriends and according to Ricky, I had this energy that attracts people to me (aka center of attention?).

I love to socialize with people no matter how silly, miserable or fake they all seemed. I didn’t care. I wanted to have fun and I wanted to be around the people who were full of energy because in my head, they were all in my sick- imaginative- reality drama series. I was the mastermind and they were my puppets.

I was a slimy girl who plotted on drama that would infuse the night more interestingly. I would go to parties where my enemies had no idea that I was going to. I enjoyed my time and I ignored their presence. Once, I even invited a friends-with-benefits guy in one of my birthdays where my ex-boyfriend was at the same time. The night didn’t end well since a friend of his and my ex-bf started fighting. I thought that was interesting. There were also a couple of nights when I literally made myself drunk to the point where I’ve stopped everyone from drinking and gave drunk speeches and got carried to the car because I passed out-drunk. Then there was a night when I pulled out a knife to someone (jokingly) because I thought she was flirting with an ex boyfriend. I know, I was wild and crazy! However, I don’t regret any of those because I see them as fun (sick) memories. They are memories who defined who I am today:

A mature young lady, who no longer cries over her ex boyfriends, no longer gives drunk speeches and no longer passes out drunk without having a fit with someone.

Although it seems like it’s all a great ending to a post-teenage coming of age story, it isn’t.

I miss those days. Why?

It’s because, lately, I’ve been stuck doing these:

I hate boring hang outs where you’re only sitting in front of a table playing ‘Kings,’ just because it’s the only thing that could spark amusement and that would make the night easier to drink away the boredom. Swear, most of my nights are like that now… it’s either I get stuck with guys chatting about girls or sports or with people who rely on Kings just to have fun. I’m honestly bored with that.

I’m craving for a bit of drama, something crazy and wild to talk about. It seems that lately, I’ve been in my nice lady shoes and not so much in my crazy, wild stilettos. I’ve restrained myself from hanging out with people who has so much drama. When in fact, I’ve previously complained about getting sick of people with their drama and their BS and now I want them back in my life. ISN’T THAT CRAZY?

I erased people in my life and now I want them back to leech the living hell out of me. I don’t know about you, but I like drama in my life right now. I miss having some kind of climax or some kind of socializing with different people other than the ones who I’m usually hanging out with. I don’t know if I miss having to deal with drama but I think what I really miss is hanging out with different people.

So now, I was thinking of hitting up some old friends (whom I’ve deleted in Facebook) and some old ones that were just laying around. I want some company and it’s going to be warm pretty soon so I’m hoping for backyard and house parties more often, since it’s really that time of the year to get out there and socialize.

I wish that I won’t regret this in the end, but you know what they always say, “Be careful what you wish for because you might not like it.”

We’ll see.

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I have something that few people have found and I’d say it’s my luck and that’s what keeps me going. Even though at times, this “luck” doesn’t seem to work, it still catches me in my lowest days. It doesn’t judge me, yet it keeps me stronger.

I have something so true and so powerful that so many have wished to have it. Some may never know how to ever obtain it or to hold onto it, but it came to me when I least expect it.

By luck, I don’t mean anything to do with a shamrock or a shamman’s blessing or a charm, but something that’s so intangible.That’s how powerful it is! No one can ever obtain it but me and that’s how special it is.

All I can really say is, I’m so lucky to be with Ricky, who’s unconditional and caring love has saved me from ending my life so early. Even when we were only friends, he inspired me to be the best person that I can be and if it were not for him, I don’t think I’ll be this much stronger, happier and content with how my life is turning out to be.

Compared to all the guys whoever walked into my life, Ricky is truly one amazing guy!

So yes, I’m so lucky to be that girl who found that special someone whom I can share a bit of laughter and that warm connection with!

Dear life,

My driver’s license is going to be taken away from me pretty soon.

My work permit is gone and now my driver’s license.

What’s next? My visa?

Gee… thanks.

Love,

Someone who wants a future.

I loathe anyone I know who whines to me about the smallest dilemmas of their life:

“I need a scarf dummy, go to the mall with me because I need a girl’s help on a gift.”

said a demanding guy who can’t think for himself.

“When are you going to bring b*tches here with us? I need to get laid.”

said a desperate guy who passes the responsibility of hooking up with someone to me.

“I MISS MY EX-BOYFRIEND! I wish I could be with him, but I don’t want to be a military mom. Though I don’t want anyone else but him.”

said someone who wants to get back with her ex. That girl is VERY COMPLICATED.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life… should I take that job but I’m being underpaid?”

said a girl who is picky with jobs. Beggars can’t be choosers. Lucky her, she can work.

“I miss Kelly, I love her but we have our own differences. But I don’t want to be alone. What should I do?”

said a guy who’s been in and out of a relationship with the same girl for 5 years now. Clearly, the relationship isn’t working out anymore!

If you’re one of them and you can drive, work and stay here in this country without any needed documents, YOU ARE ONE LUCKY PERSON.

Lesson of the day,

It seems that the jet lag, the daylight savings time and my period (TMI!) made me feel lazy, tired, unmotivated, and I’ve been eating a lot. Recently, I got back into playing MMPORG games (online gaming) and I’ve been drinking beer (I want more Guiness!) and I’ve been inactive. Bottom line, I’m 143 lbs and I’m freaking out.

Ironically, with the weight I’ve gained, I’m more motivated than ever. Since spring is here and I’m looking forward to the warm weather, the 5K marathon I’m going to do in 2 weeks, and the impending doom of bikini season, I have been more active for the last 3 days! It’s a great progress from sitting at home and eating away my insecurities.

Here’s what I’ve done so far:

It all started with a light walk/ run and some healthy eating!

That day, the weather was in the 50′s and it was sunny! It was the perfect day to run/ walk a long distance. It was a slow start, but it was definitely worth doing!

Also, my mom said never to play with my food, but decorating and “playing” with my food turned out too pretty to eat!

This was surprisingly an adrenaline-pumping, heart -raising, and fun-filled day! I thought it was going to be a rest day for me, but my friend Chris, invited  me to ride his motorbike and go hiking! My legs were sore from the previous day, but I didn’t hesitate.

I can’t believe, I actually had so much fun even though it was so risky!

As my brother always say,

“YOLO!”  

(You only live once).

I’m really excited to do so much more activities! Ricky invited me to go Salsa dancing on either today or tomorrow and I’m glad that I’m doing a lot of activities for my body! I can tell that my body is happy because I feel lighter, my pimples are diminishing, and most of all, I feel really pumped up with so much energy! I’m honestly excited and I wish I could lose 20 pounds by July!

I really hope that I keep up with all these postings and keep doing what I am good at doing : coming back up after a downfall

I’ll keep you posted again!