Last week was such a hell to me.
I was endlessly ranting about my depression and my desperation to find friends. I was so desperate that I signed up for a “Meet-up” group. I was determined to meet people online and meet them in person. I told Ricky that I’m going to hang out with a few “online friends” last Saturday at a restaurant for Cinco de Mayo. He thought it was sketchy. I thought otherwise.
Ricky: “Why can’t you just be happy with yourself?”
Me: “I don’t know. It just seems like I need friends. I’m a people person and it makes me sad that I can’t be out there
hanging out with friends.”
Ricky: “It doesn’t have to be that way. You don’t have to look for friends to be happy. Why can’t you be happy with what you have? You have your family, me, you’re in good health, you’re smart, you’re beautiful…”
Me: “I know and I’m grateful that I have you and my family, but it seems like it’s not enough. I want to go out there, meet people.”
Ricky: “Friends will come and all you have to do is wait.”
Me: “I can’t wait. This isn’t like waiting for the right person to swing by and sweep me off my feet. It’s not like a relationship at all. I want to make a move. I want to tear down my barriers and go out there. I want to try and to know that at least I’ve given my best shot.”
[I broke down in tears.]
Ricky: “You’re a great person Khristine, I know you’ll find friends. I just want you to be happy.”
Me: “Out of my desperation, I decided to meet friends through ‘Meet-up’ and I’ll be seeing them on Saturday at a restaurant.”
Ricky: “Er… Are you going there by yourself?”
Me: “Yeah. I want to meet friends.”
Ricky: “Errr…. maybe I can come? I feel like it’s so sketchy and I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
Me: “I’ll be alright.”
Ricky: “Do you have your cellphone? Oh wait…” (My cellphone dies when it’s not plugged into a charger. I need a new battery!)
Me: “It’s going to be dead.”
Me: “I’m kidding, of course I want you to be there!”
Cinco de Mayo came and I decided not to go. The organizer texted me twice and I never replied back. Instead of going to that meet up with a couple of strangers, I’ve contacted a few old friends and I’ve organized a reunion on that previous Thursday of the same week. That’s probably why I didn’t think it was worth going to some restaurant and meeting strangers. It’s a good idea to go out in the open, but Ricky was right… Why do I have to look around when I have things to be grateful for right in front of my eyes? I have old friends that have disappeared in the face of the world but are willing to reach out even after a few years of no talking. They are no different from the strangers that I will meet, except that we have memories that makes us all connected to each other.
But… I’m not completely giving up on Meet-up. Maybe I’ll get to it when I’m less of a coward