Down the memory lane we go again!

I’ve been losing my mind in memory lane lately. I think I know why…

The most fun I’ve had in a long time was about 3-4 years ago when I was a thousand miles away from my nursing books and not knowing what I wanted to become in my life. I threw all my inhibitions out the window, enjoyed meeting guys left and right, got drunk until dawn, passed out on someone else’s couch or bed, caused terrible drama on who gets attention and what not, and I had no ounce of concern about others feelings, but myself.

Today, I am buried in my books, all I can think about are upcoming tests every two weeks, trying to catch up on reading and what the hell do I wear for school the next day? Actually,  I don’t even care what I wear. Sometimes I secretly repeat what I wore the day before yesterday. I am basically too busy to care for myself! Also, I re-gained the weight I’ve lost over the summer. Great. My pants will never fit me. EVER. Here’s sticking to tights for another semester or two…

I miss my carefree side. No nursing, no books, no school and absolutely no inhibitions.

Limerence

It’s been four years since we called it quits. It’s been four years since I saw you and my mind still lingers to what could have been…

But I’m getting married on Wednesday and I can’t keep dwelling on you anymore. I am in love with the idea of being with you, but to devote my entire lifetime in hopes of loving you is delusional.

I’ve had enough of you Giuseppe Iemma. I’ve held onto you longer than I’ve wanted to. So today, this moment at 10:21pm, I’m deleting you forever. Hopefully, this will give me the closure and peace that I deserve. This will give us a chance to finally go through our paths separately, forever. I am scattering our dreams into the infinite abyss of “what could have been’s” and locking it there with no hope of ever pulling it out again. It was nice, but it was never meant to be.

I’m erasing you from my memory not because I want to, but because I choose to.

It’s been nice… to recount all our beautiful memories spent together, but with every beginning, there is an ending.

Thank you for the memories.

I loved you once and I still love you. It hurts to say that and I feel guilty, but I’d rather let it all out now then let it all linger.

I am nothing. I am a failure. I have done nothing so significant in my life, only regrets and problems. For once, I don’t know why I should still be here. I am so useless.

I Want to Meet You, but I Don’t [Desperately] Need Your Friendship.

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Time is so fast when you’re in nursing school. I didn’t even realize that February is almost over!

Where did the time go?

 

The Maternity course is almost over and I am glad that we are halfway through the semester. Plus, it’s starting to get a “little” warm outside. Warm weather after a cold, long winter makes people happy.

This semester has been very challenging and different. I didn’t hang out as much with the “friends” I met last semester. We always studied together, but this time, it seemed that I was merely put aside and casted away from the two girls whom I thought were going to be my closest amigas in nursing school. Apparently NOT since I don’t have kids to take with me so I can mingle with them and that obviously, I cannot speak Spanish. Oh well, whatever. 

After getting used to being alone and not having a set of friends (besides Ricky), I decided to embrace the beauty of being “alone.” I like having the independence of meeting new people in nursing school, connecting with them through the common frustrations we have from nursing school, not creating drama with anyone, and most of all, I love doing things on my own. I don’t have to worry about going out of my way to keep friends. I no longer have that pressure. I used to dread the idea that all my old friends had their own groups and I was out- of -the- loop. In fact, a quarter of my blog had been about my depression and how I don’t have any good friends other than Ricky. My depression went on for a year, until I started school again. Thanks to nursing school, I am happy that it made me very busy and preoccupied me with things to do rather than waste my time and wait for people to come into my life. 

 

I’ve had a love and hate relationship with Nursing. 

I hate that I have to spend hours and hours of studying just to pass, but I have so many reasons why I love it. One of them, being that I meet people who have *almost* the same interests as me. They are all trying to get through nursing school like me. Outside of school, they have different characters, which I am most interested in. However the downside of it is that I’ve met some whom I’ve been close with in the first semester and then we’ve grown apart over the next months. It’s normal and I’ve grown to accept it.

I like to meet people and I’m not really looking for any best friends or a set of friends. I only want to be in the company of people- whether they stay or go. 

I’m just really happy that in every semester, I’ve met quite a few people and I don’t feel entirely alone anymore. Plus, student nurses make a great support group!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When you try to run away from your past, IT WILL HAUNT YOU.

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I failed my first test in nursing school.

It’s the first time that I ever failed anything in nursing school, so as you can imagine, I was a totally wreck when I found out. After a day of mourning for my big, fat “F,” I had to dig deep and ask myself why I failed. The answer was obvious: I didn’t take things seriously and I definitely DID NOT go back to the book and reviewed EVERYTHING.

So yes, I deserve the “F” but it seems hard to pull myself up since I don’t like Maternity from the get go. Maternity was NEVER my strongest area. I never did well with OB/ Maternity when I was in my License Practical Nursing school. I had to take the final exam twice because I failed it (I guess I didn’t fail an exam in nursing school for the first time! hah!)

After going through the exam questions with my instructor, my mind was kind of surprised with the “WTF I KNOW ALL THIS, WHAT HAPPENED.” I really knew the answers, but I didn’t seem to know why I didn’t pick the obvious right answers… it’s like DUH..

I know why… before I took my test, I had the mentality of, “Oh, you know, you got this, no need to study THAT hard since you read the chapters and you answered 135 questions.” I got my walls completely down and when I saw the questions, I was caught off guard! I underestimated Maternity, like I did, two years ago!

So, in hopes of not failing for the second time, I’m trying to cram and read the chapters that I haven’t read. I don’t know how I’ll approach things differently, but I know something about myself:

When I get super stressed out and when I have the fear of failing, I tend to work harder. Hopefully, that mentality helps me.

So… the test is on Monday. HOPEFULLY, I PASS. PLEASE INCLUDE ME IN YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS!

Thank you!

<3

K