I am nothing. I am a failure. I have done nothing so significant in my life, only regrets and problems. For once, I don’t know why I should still be here. I am so useless.
Time is so fast when you’re in nursing school. I didn’t even realize that February is almost over!
Where did the time go?
The Maternity course is almost over and I am glad that we are halfway through the semester. Plus, it’s starting to get a “little” warm outside. Warm weather after a cold, long winter makes people happy.
This semester has been very challenging and different. I didn’t hang out as much with the “friends” I met last semester. We always studied together, but this time, it seemed that I was merely put aside and casted away from the two girls whom I thought were going to be my closest amigas in nursing school. Apparently NOT since I don’t have kids to take with me so I can mingle with them and that obviously, I cannot speak Spanish. Oh well, whatever.
After getting used to being alone and not having a set of friends (besides Ricky), I decided to embrace the beauty of being “alone.” I like having the independence of meeting new people in nursing school, connecting with them through the common frustrations we have from nursing school, not creating drama with anyone, and most of all, I love doing things on my own. I don’t have to worry about going out of my way to keep friends. I no longer have that pressure. I used to dread the idea that all my old friends had their own groups and I was out- of -the- loop. In fact, a quarter of my blog had been about my depression and how I don’t have any good friends other than Ricky. My depression went on for a year, until I started school again. Thanks to nursing school, I am happy that it made me very busy and preoccupied me with things to do rather than waste my time and wait for people to come into my life.
I’ve had a love and hate relationship with Nursing.
I hate that I have to spend hours and hours of studying just to pass, but I have so many reasons why I love it. One of them, being that I meet people who have *almost* the same interests as me. They are all trying to get through nursing school like me. Outside of school, they have different characters, which I am most interested in. However the downside of it is that I’ve met some whom I’ve been close with in the first semester and then we’ve grown apart over the next months. It’s normal and I’ve grown to accept it.
I like to meet people and I’m not really looking for any best friends or a set of friends. I only want to be in the company of people- whether they stay or go.
I’m just really happy that in every semester, I’ve met quite a few people and I don’t feel entirely alone anymore. Plus, student nurses make a great support group!
I failed my first test in nursing school.
It’s the first time that I ever failed anything in nursing school, so as you can imagine, I was a totally wreck when I found out. After a day of mourning for my big, fat “F,” I had to dig deep and ask myself why I failed. The answer was obvious: I didn’t take things seriously and I definitely DID NOT go back to the book and reviewed EVERYTHING.
So yes, I deserve the “F” but it seems hard to pull myself up since I don’t like Maternity from the get go. Maternity was NEVER my strongest area. I never did well with OB/ Maternity when I was in my License Practical Nursing school. I had to take the final exam twice because I failed it (I guess I didn’t fail an exam in nursing school for the first time! hah!)
After going through the exam questions with my instructor, my mind was kind of surprised with the “WTF I KNOW ALL THIS, WHAT HAPPENED.” I really knew the answers, but I didn’t seem to know why I didn’t pick the obvious right answers… it’s like DUH..
I know why… before I took my test, I had the mentality of, “Oh, you know, you got this, no need to study THAT hard since you read the chapters and you answered 135 questions.” I got my walls completely down and when I saw the questions, I was caught off guard! I underestimated Maternity, like I did, two years ago!
So, in hopes of not failing for the second time, I’m trying to cram and read the chapters that I haven’t read. I don’t know how I’ll approach things differently, but I know something about myself:
When I get super stressed out and when I have the fear of failing, I tend to work harder. Hopefully, that mentality helps me.
So… the test is on Monday. HOPEFULLY, I PASS. PLEASE INCLUDE ME IN YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS!
I hate making rash decisions every time I’m PMSing. Usually around that time, I am very lonely, depressed and jealous of the world. My self-esteem is very low and I desperately need some kind of company. I don’t know what led to the event of calling someone from my past and giving that person another shot in my life, but to this day, I deeply regretted it.
Wait the minute… If you’re assuming that I hooked up with someone from my past- NO. It feels like I did, but it’s not even close.
There’s this guy (it usually starts off like that doesn’t it?) named Jason, who is the best friend of Mr. Nit Picky and Beppe’s ultimate enemy. Jason and I bonded together after Beppe left me in the Fall of 2010 and I ended up meeting Mr. Nit Picky through him. Over the years, we’ve gone out-of-touch, partly because he kept pushing me to date (or hookup) with Mr. Nit Picky in numerous times when in fact, I was unstable to do such a thing after breaking up with Beppe. I didn’t like that Jason and Mr. Nit Picky played games with me, as if I was some trophy to win over. So, on the night of my 21st birthday party, I confronted Jason and Mr. Nit Picky, with a couple of shots under my belt, and that they were a bunch of immature f*cks who need to grow up. In that moment, I finally decided to take them both out of my life.
Apparently, through the years, Jason tried getting my number from friends and he tried adding me in Facebook. Unfortunately, I never responded nor anyone ever wanted to give my number. He finally got my number after Mr. Nit Picky talked to me after so many years. Ever since then, Jason has been bugging me to call him, which is a habit of him that I distinctly remember that I hated so much. No matter how much “busy” you tell him over text messaging, you’ll hear him ring your phone again and again and again… till you succumb into calling him, which I did out of boredom. Over a very short phone call, I confronted him again about the reason why I decided to cut things off between me and the two of them. However, for some weird reason, I felt desperate to get the old times back when I was the center of attention, therefore I decided to give Jason another shot. To be honest, after two or three phone calls with him, it didn’t sound like he changed even though he clearly told me that he did. He was the same Jason- foul-mouthed, short-tempered and he irrationally jumps into conclusion…. which are qualities that I despise from him.
There are a lot of reasons why I never wanted to take him or Mr. Nit Picky back. First and foremost, I am done with the flirting stage and getting impressed by “bad boys” who likes cars. To be honest, after four years of not hanging out with them, I strongly feel that I’ve grown apart from them and anyone I’ve stopped talking to in 2010. I like spending my Saturdays at home instead of wearing skimpy clothes just to get Mr. Nit Picky’s attention. I like drowning myself in books instead of wasting my time trying to find an outfit to impress the Sterling boys (Mr. Nit Picky and Jason’s group of boys). I like to spend time with my family even if it involves watching lame Filipino TV shows, instead of going out to the bar with them and discussing about girls and how to score one. I love wearing “plain clothes” instead of putting so much effort to get anyone’s attention. I’m done with all that!
But… then there’s a part of me wondering if they’ve changed and there’s a part of me that wants to “prove” to them that I’m not the silly, naive and meek Khristine that they used to know. But then again, Ricky asked me:
“Why do you have to prove yourself to others when you can just prove all that to yourself?”
Exactly… why should I waste my time in trying to impress anyone when they don’t deserve to see any of that in the first place? (Isn’t that what he said?)
But anyways, Jason’s planning on moving back here from Florida for good. He wants to “treat me to dinner” and that he “misses talking” to me. Quite frankly, that’s very weird. It sounds like a date? EWW.
I feel like blocking him in Facebook and my cellphone. But then I don’t want to suffer with the what-ifs.
WAIT… what is the what-ifs anyways? Why should I even think of one?
So… what should I do?
So far, the stress of completing readings (11 chapters to read by the first day!), stressing on whether I passed or failed the dosage math exam (taken on the first day, if failed for the second time, I will be terminated from the program) and completing assignments (due by Saturday THIS WEEK) has led me out-of-my-normal sync and it has put all of my scheduled running goals on hold. I haven’t ran since Monday! *gasps*
“The first week is always the hardest.” -Ricky.
On top of the workload, I have the b*tchiest instructors who were sticklers for every single pet-peeve that they’ve obtained from previous students, who made them who they are today. It seems that for every semester, they acquire a nuisance and they add it to their long and tedious syllabus that they coined “the contract between the students and the teachers.” I do admit that reading those syllabus has amplified my strong fear for strict, alpha-female teachers, but not entirely. The fear I acquire from them motivates me to excel and not settle for anything less. I had a very strict teacher once and she molded me to be an A – B range nursing student, something that I didn’t expect years ago- when I failed my first Biology class when I first started college.
So yes, the perks of having strict teachers involve pushing students to strive harder and to pursue perfection in their best capabilities. Also, it encourages students to live up to their teacher’s expectations, wherein the students mold themselves as close as they can to be the professor’s “ideal nursing student.” Some of the students try hard to kiss ass, they are snotty, aggressive and bossy to their peers and they like to get the attention of the instructor. I find myself rolling my eyes and shaking my head when they argue with the teacher about a fact or when a fellow student blurts out the answer to them, No! That’s not what the book says… or How did you know that- that is the answer?! My response: B*tch, please! I read the book, so I know. Of course, I didn’t say that out loud, but I wish I did!
I always like to tell myself, “Welcome back to nursing school! These are the type of people you’ll be working with.” Great.
Anyways, tomorrow’s my first clinical for the RN program. I have to wake up at 5 am and report at 7am. I gotta sleep NOW OR I WILL REGRET SLEEPING LATE!
Hopefully, tomorrow’s interesting which means, I’m open for more b*tchy instructors and bossy classmates. Can’t wait for drama.
I am not looking forward to next week’s first day of Spring 2014 semester. I am not excited in meeting new student nurses who are at first, a bunch of know-it-alls, but turns out to be nonetheless a couple know-nothings about nursing-related stuff. I’m not excited about Maternity, re-learning about pregnancy (not that I have anything against it), re-learning about the phases of labor and delivery and all that complicated stuff. I am really not into maternity and pediatrics! I do love kids and pregnant women, but … the process of everything is so overwhelming.
On top of my Maternity lectures, I am not looking forward to another lab where I’ll get tested by intimidating instructors every week and I am definitely not excited about my 12- hour clinicals. I heard we don’t get to touch the fun stuff… WHAT?! But that’s the fun of it all!! Ugh. I have a bad feeling about this semester…
Outside my nursing drama, I will be applying to a university where I need to get started with my prerequisites for my Bachelor’s of Science in Nursing (BSN). I hope I get in.
Ugh… I am so not excited.
2013 has been such a blur to me partly because it’s either I was drowned in homework or I wasted my time in playing computer games. But I did have an awesome year. Having said that, I do remember traveling to California, Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon for the first time, thanks to Ricky’s generosity. I graduated with an Associate in General Studies, which will come handy when I pursue for my bachelor’s in nursing. I have finally got accepted to the region’s most competitive RN program. And I have seen my sister and my nephew after five years.
I know there are a few not-so-auspicious-things that I’d like to remember, but one thing stood out: Ricky’s infidelity that broke our relationship. It’s been months since I’ve ranted about our mishap and a lot of things have been revealed and so much have been left for future Khristine and future Ricky to discuss and to fix. Up to this day, we consider ourselves “single” yet exclusive to each other since we’re still intimately attached. Instead of branding ourselves as “in a relationship,” we are “complicated.”
I think Ricky understands that to re-gain my trust and to prove to me that I deserve more than an apology to get me back, I have seen him put a lot of effort, which he failed to address when we were still together. That’s probably why up to this day, I haven’t agreed to become his “official” girlfriend because my theory is that once he puts the leash on me, branded me as his girl, he’ll get back to his comfy chair and let the old times roll by. He assured me that this won’t happen, but I am not quite convinced yet.
This year, 2014, I have no expectations of grand surprises other than the fact that the World Cup is right around the corner. I’m not a sports fanatic and I’m not a soccer/football enthusiast. However, it does bring me a reminiscing eerie from World Cup 2010, the last match I saw with my Italian ex-boyfriend, Beppe, and the year that I met him and Ricky. It has been four whole years since I’ve seen Beppe and four whole years since I’ve known Ricky. I look back and remember the people who came and left and the promises I made to myself that I hoped to accomplish this year. None of it was close to what I’ve expected, but I don’t regret anything at all. In fact, I believe that the outcome was far better than I’ve expected.
As for my resolution, I don’t have anything in mind since I know that I don’t usually follow through. I do have goals both short and long. I’m hoping that my progress in life remains constant and unchanging. My goals involve living a healthier lifestyle and to stick with it no matter what. Also, I want to build a stable relationship with myself and to honor a designated day where I can enjoy it doing something that does not involve surfing the net or playing video games. I’ve got some more goals in mind, but I’d prefer to write it down rather than to type it in here and then forget that they existed.
2014 is a new year. What’s your resolution(s) or goals in mind?